Barry – 30th July 1983


You look cool with a beard of bumfluff
Cos it looks cool to have that stuff
Barry the maniac, daredevil cool
Barry ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha fool!

25th Apr 2023 – Barry was in our class, which one I can’t remember though and his name wasn’t Barry. I’m not sure how he earned that nickname. I remember Barry was sometimes a word used in a derogatory way too (‘you Barry!’) and I’m also not sure where that came from either. Google doesn’t seem to know either. Look at all the things we don’t know.


Round, shapely, curved or flat
Big, small, nippley, ones that sag

25th Apr 2023 – As a hetero male teenager female breasts were a mystical thing for a while. I don’t really remember thinking about them too much though but others certainly did. Jim was dating Bernice who was the most well-endowed of our friends. She was a nice, funny girl but I didn’t like the way others were obsessed about her boobs as if that was her sole asset.
I was already well developed with my contrariness and being one of the lads was something I was slowly coming to loathe (unless it suited me, of course!). I remember Brian Chapman bragging about having seen Alison Pratt’s chest and that she had no boobs but huge nipples.
I was envious of the boys’ stories but never felt comfortable talking about girls in this way. I was obviously thinking about boobs though!
I had already decided that if I had a girlfriend I wouldn’t have sex with her for at least three months to see if she really liked me.
So my preference became for a small chest, always rooting for the underdog. This led to a memorable exchange with TLJ in late 2001 after I finally revealed to her about an infidelity and her response was ‘Did she have a smaller chest than me?’
Amy too was a small-breasted angel that matched her small body. However, she wasn’t happy with her chest and got herself an upgrade about a year or two into our relationship. Whatever makes her happy. Her doctor (are they doctors?) did a good job and she didn’t end up with obviously fake orbs. As she has gotten older and her petite frame started to mature into an auntie’s body they are a better match now. She still gets stares though. The downside of this operation though was painful nipples when touched, which is a shame.
It seems I have a lot to consider on this subject and here is a final thought. I hate the word ‘tits’. It’s just way too sharp and spiky for something that is soft and cuddly. Totally heterological. (Yes, I had to look that up!)

Haywire – 25th July 1983

Beuagh, guts are lying everywhere
And my brains are going spare
Another physics lesson, I’m going to start a fire
Haywire, haywire, haywire, haywire

24th Apr 2023 – Mr Hayward was our Physics teacher and struggled to keep us nasty, disobedient kids under control. Naturally, we called him Haywire.
One time I was burning incense at the back of the class and when he saw the smoke he ran to us and threatened to take us to the headmaster for smoking marijuana in class. Scared at the prospect of going to the headmaster’s office we told him it was just incense and after a while, he calmed down, but that was his undoing. From then on we knew we could get away with anything in his classes.
For the Easter holiday in 1984, we (Rupes, Jez, Jim and Muz) stole a stroboscope out of the cupboard on the last day of school and had a party in my room where we made ourselves dizzy and broke the varispeed dial. Not to be disheartened we fixed it by shoving a matchstick into the shaft and got it going again. As we would only be at school intermittently for our exams from that time onwards we had no intention of returning this equipment but we ended up thinking it would be funnier if we could put it back without anyone noticing and so that’s what we did.
Needless to say, I failed my Physics exam and quite possibly most of our class did.
I found out a few years after leaving school Mr Hayward died of a heart attack whilst playing squash. Really, I had fond memories of him and though I hated physics I always enjoyed his class.

Hypothesis – 5th July 1983


Hypotheory about the world
Change society to suit me
Everybody will be running round
And nobody will be free

Too Bad

Too bad for you, you stupid fool
I will change, change the rule
And you will sit, sit back and cry
And will laugh, laugh at your boring life


You are salt of the earth
Pretty since your birth
But now you are a demented moron
When someone made you drop the bomb
Salt of the earth/Salt on the earth