Work, work, work away the days of your life – 29th March 1994

Simon and Mary’s mum and brother are here hanging around the house. It’s like being in an Irish family house! It’s kind of homely. We just come back from Kerry’s. We watched ‘In the Line of Fire’ – a film with Clint Eastwood. It was cool and even Broni (Clint hater) enjoyed it. Now at home and it’s time for bed already. Short day but kinda fun. Work sucked though! Back two days and hating it already – can’t wait to leave.

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike – 29th March 1994

Sunday – lazy day – with the one hour lost we didn’t really wake up until midday. We bummed around the house til we made a decision (!) to go bike riding.

The weather wasn’t as nice as yesterday but was okay. Quite cold to start on our bikes but we put our hoods up and braved it. We headed for the Branksome Chine woods and threaded our way down to the beach through beautiful trees and paths. It was bitterly cold at the beach but we cycled along to one of the other chines and up that. Our first real leg tester! As we came up to the top of the hill it became warmer and we made our way home through lots of backstreets and woods, passing by some of the biggest houses we’ve ever seen. We had stiff limbs and sore bums after our first bike ride of the year!

Hurray for random images found on the internet.

Time seemed to run on fairly quickly and before we knew it the evening was upon us. It was brilliant that it didn’t get dark until about 7.15pm. Everyone was in a good mood. Broni even washed the floor, now looking shiny and new.

We watched a video about the Australian rainforest (Lamington National Park) where Bronwyn has been! It looks beautiful and we thought we may have our honeymoon there. We curled up into bed late and fell asleep quickly. Our love to keep us warm.

Happy birthday Rob!

Monday morning caught up with us and we wandered our merry ways to work. Coming home was the best thing. Broni’s eyes lit up when she saw me and she dragged me upstairs and devoured me sensually.

We went and got our passport photos done for our visas. Then I dropped my sweetheart at Kerry’s as she was going out to a meal with her and a friend. This left me with a few hours alone so I carried on writing up my story which is coming along well I think.

Broni came home happy and cheerful. We finished our visa forms which really stressed us out – by now it was time to sleep. We slept magically! Hey, you know Broni actually sang in her sleep yesterday night! Weird!

Forever and ever, along for the ride – 27th March 1994

Ah, the feelings of love flow like electricity when we are in union. Be it physically or spiritually or mentally. It’s great to experience these emotions. She really is a soulmate partner.

Yesterday after protein refuelling we lazily escaped our luxurious confinement and got in the old tin box work van, petrol paid, and merrily made our way up the old well trodden road. How many times had I made this journey now? Who knows? But most of the journey’s have been worthwhile. We turned on the radio and sang all songs we knew. Our mad day was beginning to catch up with my baby and by the time we got there I could tell she was a bit reticent about going to this gig tonight.

I thought we could go elsewhere as I’d never heard the band either (The Wizards of Twiddly). We phoned up Rob and arrange to go pick him up. When we got there we both immediately picked up the acoustic guitars Rob had laying around and showed him our hopeless talents!

Well, we hightailed it back down the roadways to that ever friendly pub the Joiners. The band went on fairly soon and really knocked our socks off. Their moniker really describes their music. Bizarre twists and styles had us in superlatives after their first set. We came up with comparisons like Zappa, Tar Babies, Cardiacs but they had their own style and flair. We bought everything they had for sale! After the second set we were fairly stunned stupid. Such a great band.

We made a vague attempt to get into the Crown and Sceptre but couldn’t get past the gorilla and his girlfriend on the door. This didn’t dampen our spirits though and we went back to Rob’s and played guitars, drank tea and coffee and heard the final tape for the Thirst 7″.

Along the way back home we lost an hour as the clocks went forward so we didn’t actually touchdown home till 2.45am! Needless to say Bronwyn slept on the way home, sweetly tucked onto my shoulder. She even slept as she walked from the van to the house! Bottom lip nearly on the ground but smiling when I laughed. I stayed up and chatted with John and drank coffee before slipping quietly into bed, half three-ish.

With no time and no space and no schedule and no place
And we pass right through it without a trace
And sometimes that music drifts through my car
On a spring night when anything is possible
And I close my eyes and I nod my head
And I wonder how you’ve been and I count to a hundred and ten
Because you’ll always be my hero, even if I never see you again

Let’s get physical, let me hear your body talk – 26th March 1994

The sun streaming in uncurtained windows, we woke wrapped in each other. Warm and cosy like teddy bears. My usual morning passions stirred I proceeded to kiss my sweetheart all over her soft skin until it had the desired effect and she began to return kisses gently. Our lips met and sparks ignited our passions until our frenzy was spent! Half an hour later we repeated the performance. We later went to town and I got my haircut (quite severely) and bought some expensive chocolate. We came home and once again repeated our performance like it was the end of the world tomorrow. She has also been knitting a new cardigan when I gave her the chance and it looks like it’s going to be a work of art. She doesn’t do things by halves that’s for sure. We went out to the park with John and played for an hour with the rugby ball. I wanted to carry on but they’d had enough. Work hard play hard I say! On our return she returned to her knitting but I soon interrupted with the promise of fulfilment. We undressed and I licked her body into a frenzy and orgasm before entering her from behind until I too reached my climax. It’s been one of those physical kind of days and her body is my shrine to worship.

Your thoughts are chosen, your world is advertising now – 25th March 1994

Here you are again dear reader.  I’m currently sat here in the van waiting for my physio appointment.  Some old man politely hassling me about how long I’m going to be parked here cos he wants to put his car here.

Had a weird dream last night that involved a known paedophile and bestial man who I saw running naked down a street chasing a pig.  I was with a bunch of youngsters (11 to 12-year-olds) and to show them that this man was wrong I beat him the ground and pissed all over him!  Knowing he’d be mad at me I ran to the next town and went to where I lived (?) with Martin B(!) on a houseboat(!!!).  The man had got there already and had stolen Martin’s dog!  Jeez, what does all that mean I wonder?

Me and my baby are often in dispute these days and I wonder what it is that’s changed.  We are both of strong character but very forgiving so most arguments are laid to rest quickly but what is it that creates them?  Is it being together every night?  Is it how I am busy in the evenings and Broni just wants to relax?  I can’t help busying myself, it’s the only time I get to do things that I like (ie reading, writing etc).  I know these things are mostly to do on my own and in some ways that’s not fair but I do also take time and trouble to make Bronwyn happy.  It is difficult living with someone even if you are as madly in love with each other as we are. 

I wonder if things were any easier a hundred years ago when the men ruled the roost?  I honestly don’t think I could do that in this day and age, though it seems plenty of people still do.  I’m increasingly appalled by man’s treatment of women.  Why is there a page three girl?  Why so many (any) pornographic magazines?  Women blatantly used to sell everything.  Where in the world can I go to get away from it?  Where do people live in some sort of harmony?  With respect?

Sometimes I feel myself falling into these traps because they are ever present, bombarded at you from every media angle.  What future for our children?  So many decisions are made by few people who believe they know what’s best for the majority.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about Rich and how it’d be nice if he loosened up a bit!  He and Rob have their fair share of arguments I understand, and they live together.  Rich tells me some of the tales but I must confess to not being very sympathetic.  He’s on holiday in Europe right now so maybe that’ll relax him up a bit. 

Mostly the other things on my mind involve Australia.  Everyone’s wishing me luck for when I go. (Hey, I caught up with Little Crabby in Safeways and heard the latest gossip!  His parents got divorced!  Wow!  Murray’s still the same and Jasper’s a pothead!  Double wow!  I remember he wouldn’t touch that stuff when I had it!).  I can’t wait to get to Australia – I think it’s going to be a great adventure and a turning point in my life.

I heard someone talking about their destiny the other day and whether they put their success down to luck but he said it was just about making choices and he was positive in his thinking and therefore made the right choices.  This is the way I will be and I know I’m making the right choice in going to Australia.  I know that this country has little to offer me unless I want to work my ass off for the next 50 years (dying in the next 10 from stomach ulcers).


I’m in search of that harmonious world, not expecting to find but just happy searching.

I want to mention that Kerry has given up drinking and has slimmed down considerably over the last four weeks.  I mention this on looking back at previous entries when she was drunk!  Just wanted to put that straight.

The ice of Boston is muddy – 23rd March 1994

Hey you – what you looking at!  Took my sweetheart some flowers yesterday and left them at work for her to discover today – romantic old thing that I am!  It was hard to keep the secret but it brought several smiles to my face throughout.

Broni had a bad day yesterday so we got drunk to celebrate, Kerry being our taxi.

Several other minor incidents probably occurred but wrist will hurt if I tell in more detail.  So stop looking in here and get your own life!

I sit there in my easy chair, looking at the clouds, orange with celebration
And I wonder if you’re out there

We’ve said things you wouldn’t believe – 21st March 1994

Back to handwriting again for a while – just to see how things go!  Well, lots has occurred once again in the last ten days and too much for me to describe in detail but briefly.

Me and Bronwyn babysat for Chrissy while she went skiing (practising for her trip to America).  I went back to work, though just driving for now and I’ve been continuing with physio.

We’ve had a few frank discussions this week as we’ve both been a bit pissed off with each other at times though I’m confident now that we can sort them out.

We went to see Schindler’s List with Kerry.  What a brutal movie that is.  Went after to a beautiful Thai restaurant.


Yesterday we went to Southampton and recorded the poem ‘Friend’ for Thirst’s 7″.

I’m here now writing this and chasing monster fleas around the room.  They are huge!  More details as they happen.


No one gave us the answer to the big question – 10th March 1994

Jeez, it’s a strange and wondrous world.  What more can happen to a man in the mere space of one week?  Now seven days since last entry and I told of possibilities of fatherhood!  Well! 

In chronological order, Broni was into the forty days and I’d decided this was it so we came up with all sorts of wonderfully colourful names such as Moonbeast Bumflap Snot Nose but settled with Bubka Blue, Bubka being a member of that great band Deep Turtle, though I thought we’d better find out if the name Bubka had a meaning (like it could mean ‘man who milks cows’, not much of a name for a girl!)

Broni was in particularly nasty moods and I acted with little patience on occasion but how easy I forget.  Her cousin Piers was traversing cross country in search of garments for his trip to Pakistan though he had no luck!  He popped in for an overnight stay and we took him to the Piccolo Mondo for our favourite pizza and then to the movies.

While in the bar pre-hand Broni took off to the toilets and I chatted with Piers about jazz music – his forte!  At last, someone who could advise me on jazz.  When Broni came back we headed towards celluloid screens and she told me she’d started bleeding. Hmm.

We watched the film, Mrs Doubtfire, utter crap American trash, unconvincing performances and story with dubious moral ending (what bollocks thought I) and set off home where I talked to Piers with Broni quiet and pondering.  Piers went out to pick up his sleeping kit from his car and me and my baby had a misunderstanding which led to tears.  She told me this could be her period or worse still, a miscarriage.  I had neglected her in favour of looking after our guest and did feel upset.  She retired as I put Piers to bed with some John Zorn which I don’t think he was too keen on!

When I eventually came upstairs I found Bronwyn in tears and we comforted each other but I could not stem the flow and I had to let go too feeling the unbelievable sadness emanating from her soul.  But I felt that this wasn’t a miscarriage and that she was late due to stress at work and from moving house. On the Monday we went to the doctor who indicated that this was more likely.  I hope so too.  I’m comforted in the fact that I could be prepared for the birth and raising of my children someday (soon).

On the Monday afternoon, we watched a great movie called Fried Green Tomatoes which I must confess brought a tear to my eye (and many to Broni’s).  Tuesday, Broni dropped me in Poole on her way to work in Swanage, (with renewed ideas about causing herself less stress – how many times have I told her to cut down on her workload!) where I waited for the library to open.

With horrible coffee and sandwich I watched the world on its way to work and when in library looked at every single book before settling down to read the first part of Vanity of Doulouz (Kerouac again, friends!), what a great story it was too, dealing with his teenage years and commenting, even back then, on the horrendous advancement of car and it’s associated industry, plus noticing how people seem to saunter everywhere in no particular hurry (ie on their way to the car).  It was like the car had transformed everyone into strangely different people without them knowing and just accepting it.  There is much debate these days on the future of transport and despite cars doubling on the roads every few years, it looks to be a wasted industry.  How I wish we could do away with them.  I have been walking to and from Poole all week and it is such a good feeling but then I have the time at the moment.  Most normal days I would not, such a trap.

Well, after that I went to the physio at the hospital, a nice young lady, name of Kate, who prodded by bones, pulled and twisted, unsure of my problem.  I sat seven minutes on a machine that buzzed electricity into me, supposedly to confuse my brain that there was no pain there.  However, that afternoon was the most painful it had been!

Evening passed quiet but I had a fitful sleep complaining of stomach ache and sure enough, I puked up a mouthful in the morning after Broni went to work.  I went back to sleep and was awoke by Broni’s phone call at around 10.  Straight after I puked up the rest of last night’s tea, grape skins and all!  Feeling better I went back to bed and was next awake at twenty to two!  I watched a Jacke Chan movie with John and went back to bed again so tired was I.

Broni cared for me the rest of the evening and we soon fell asleep.  Long gone are the days of wakeness til two in the morning playing with each other under silky sheets, we work so hard and relax little at this stage but I’m eager to tidy things up here for a big relax in Oz when I get there.  I hope my baby can stand it.

And finally, today, Broni once again dropped me into Poole after the most ridiculous argument we had about slices of bread!  I have to tell you, dear reader, here and now I talk of arguments often but our life together is not so, we live in bliss and in love and our affection grows stronger every day.  Each argument is a lesson – but sometimes us pupils are unwilling to learn.

In the book I’m reading, Bukowski tells he enjoys a women’s company at first but soon finds her eccentricities annoying and becomes tired of her but he has little hope of lasting relationships and is unable to deal with problems rationally.  We know we can and our real care for each other will overcome any problems that may arise, never once have I considered walking away from the beautiful woman with whom I now share my life, not for anyone else, not for anything else, what possible reason could there be?


I waited around Poole before my physio appointment drinking that shitty coffee again, this time reading Neal Cassady’s autobiography, more good reading.  Physio advised I may have a problem in one joint which leads to all the other problems so sent me to pick up a brace from upstairs.  On my way out I met long ago buddy Jeremy, whose pictures me and Broni were looking at only last week!  Last time I saw him was about five years ago and I didn’t really want to talk to him and I felt a bit uncomfortable today.  I told him of my plans but he didn’t seem particularly interested so I let him talk about himself.  He’s been married and divorced after three months, has a child with Vanessa H (from old school days even I remember, short blonde hair) but is living with another girl from Colehill who he was with, arm a-bandaged.  And his story depressed me for we were such good friends and now he seems to have a madness that seems to affect so many people. He told of fights and people coming to his house with baseball bats (this is how her arm was broke!) in search of his blood!  Surely this is madness?  Or mere childishness and oneupmanship. “I’m better than you”.

I feel like I have grown up but not grown old, these people seem to want to recreate their past unhappiness from childhood or teenage years, are they doomed, will they ever see their glory?  Life is so rich and varied, yet it is easy to get bogged down in it all.  I hope one day to look back on these words and be happy that I got myself out of that bog and stayed out of it!

Jeremy still spoke with the humour of old and I liked that but I think he lost his way with women somewhere, showing none of them much respect that I could see.  I wonder if he felt self-conscious telling me all this?  I think maybe when we were friends he looked up to me and often took my advice on things and telling me all this he could sense my disapproval?  It was a strange encounter and to be honest I’d prefer not to meet him again.  When I talk about the madness, I wonder what it is that gets into people.  Everyone seems to bitter and resentful.  Jeremy’s smiles were unconvincing of happiness.  Old Mark B has the same madness, aimless in life and hateful towards women and often others, for no reason what so ever.  Don’t they understand that respect has to be earned, both ways?  Maybe their lives would be happier with that kind of knowledge but with increasing age seems to come a closing of mind.  Fatty I think too, is affected by it.  Maybe I’m resented for being optimistic and hopeful for my future, I wish (I really do) that everyone could too.

Well, all this thought got put on paper, I’m glad.  Now I think I’ll walk out somewhere and write some poetry, it is a beautiful sunny day and my mind is alive once again with a million zillion thoughts.

Flying monkeys dressed like bellmen – 3rd March 1994

What mad destiny had led me here, keyboard sat and twisty back?  Last entry into my world made six days gone.

Weekend spent with drunken buddies at the Joiners, we presented P.J. with a 31 candled cake Broni whipped up in the storm of the morning.  I took stage for drunken announcement which I don’t remember whether to regret.

Me, my baby and the Maybush mad dogs had drunk ourselves to oblivion and we were barking no more.  We hit our various sacks and I fell asleep dreaming of dancing in aisles, hassling young girls telling me they’re with a brother’s friend who’s in a band that’s playing that they can’t quite remember the name of, of P.J.’s face, lit up with grim surprise, of Red Dwarf and Broni’s complaining of tiredness.

Waking with others lain strewn about the house, rest of the crew let themselves in 3am after dumping P.J’s vodka drenched body home.  He toilet slept after sickness, no doubt some of our cake included. 

We laughed at the stories of the night before and we all lifted from our slumber, some to band practice, others to the industrial mecca of Eastleigh, where me, Broni and Richie consumed coffees at his, then Chrissy’s.  She’s occupied all her waking moments and twas good to see her happiness at the poetry booklet, now finished and for sale.  She and little tike Amanda read poems together as people came and went like the house was an airport terminal.  Poor Chrissy, faced with such loss, I saw some of her scribblings saying ‘Chrissy loves Steve’, recently done.  The hullabaloo of the house though must distract her somewhat, surrounded by so many friends.  Beautiful Rebecca now able to sit upright without topsy-turvying over on the floor, soon writing poetry I bet!

Came back black highway and relaxed with cheese and wine, for we live like kings, and watched a beautiful film called Orlando and eventually fell asleep to another called The Lover.

My Monday at work cut short as my wrist said ‘Hey Mister, no more you write with me’, so appointment made I wait around the sunny Tuesday at home and on visiting surgery (the receptionist another one of the deja vu people as I’ll now call them) get signed off for two weeks rest and pleasure.  But what frustration this brings as I have a million things to put to paper with pen and an arm that won’t accept the challenge, hence here sat typing this!

Midweek brought the freshest sunny day so far this year and I sat in the park watching the world go by and reading some more from Jack, sat desolate in the mountain tops pondering existence and coming up with some pretty good ideas.


All this and more too as Broni is several moondays late and we think up names and cry and wonder about our future and what plans best to make.  Nothing definite yet though.

But I’m still full of happiness for the world and know I can overcome whatever challenge life might wish to throw at me.

Two postscripts; Broni hits car at fifty miles an hour reverse!  And I’m in the bad books with Fatty though I’ve not yet heard it from his lips and my guess is unlikely too either. Poor boy.