Squeezing something nonexistent – 29th June 1994


Haha! If only it were so easy. This is a critical time and we’re both getting very fucking impatient. We know we are going to be heartbroken at leaving our friends behind and jeez, we wanna get it over with, you know. It’s like waiting for a disaster, knowing it’s going to happen.

We’re both sick of work too – it drives us crazy. We’re not saying we don’t want to work but just time for a break, a change. Glad I’m in a position to be able to afford a change. Well, you can imagine what tensions we go through in the evenings. Of course, we both understand this too.

Well kids, as to today, I’m not so well. I can’t fucking breathe. My head’s all stuffed and I’m short of breath. But last night I’ll tell you, dusky sunset over the beautiful park water, shimmering with the breeze. We played ball in the sombre quiet fading of day before strolling at water’s edge to swan heaven, where about 15 huge lumbering white feathered creatures lurched, cleaned, pecked and scraped, fluffed, flapped and some slept necks twisted up over their backs, beaks tucked under wings. We watched in awe for about 10 minutes before walking back across the grass and after a while to a small pond, now dark and quiet. Here about 70 or so ducks and swans swam quietly and elegantly about their business. I came to the water’s edge and proclaimed “Hail, I am Duck Jesus” and all my faithful followers swam for me and I blessed them with water before telling them to go out and tell the world their story.

You may be interested to know that Ireland are through to the second stage of the World Cup though I have doubts about how much further they’ll make it after last nights don’t match with Norway.

Not much more but I will tell you that Fatty and his comments do still play on my mind despite my efforts to forget. I guess I’ll have to learn more to let go when things out of my control.

The time is so little, the time belongs to us – 28th June 1994

The Chase

What a sad affair yesterday’s entry was but now it is written the emotion has passed. If you’d like to know, writing things down helps you to sort things out, makes things clear – hell, you probably know all this already.

But now let me tell you about the sky. Oh sweet sky, sapphire desire. Last night I happen to glimpse the sky at what must’ve been a quintessential moment in time, just as Saturn went through Jupiter (or some such nonsense). I could see miles onto the horizon where the blue was hazy, light and white, like a faded blue, sunbleached by time. And up, slowly becoming substantial, deepening, a brief flurry of fluffy white and on and up til oh, so deep the colour, like eyes, big, deep pools of the vivescense (if there is no such word – imagine it, goddamn) and my breath was taken away. I looked and looked and loved and my attitude changed. I filled up on good feelings and daydreamt about Australia and blue and water and life. Soon these dreams will turn into reality – easy!

Well, besides these things I can tell you the following that destiny threw at me and I faced proud and strong (god, Shaun, you are dramatic). Here’s some tiny things I did!

Munched out at the Thai restaurant with both the women in my life, my sweetheart and my mum! Being the only customers, we were waited on hand and foot by the whole staff (could have been the whole family) and served up delicious delicacies, beers and dessert. But remember to speak slowly and in sign language or better still, learn their language. They were sweet and willing though.

Of course, there’s been fucking tons of football on and I’ve been watching as much as possible. Too much to tell you about here – buy the video!

Broni fell off her bike in the middle-of-the-road – luckily not the busy one but I watched in despair as she keeled over unable to put her foot down, her laces being wrapped ’round the pedal and so sweet, her baby crying face as she sat, dumped on her back, on the tarmac. A couple of bruises to show now. You know, she bruises so easily – I have to be very careful when I pick her up and turn her upside down.

I was thinking anyway, about us, and fuck, there’s magic between us. I think some of the more cynical of you out there might think we’re like soppy sloppy teenagers but I reckon you just haven’t come across this feeling before (and fuck I love this feeling, I just want to suck it all up, more more more). But you know, you’re all okay too. You can guess we’re both still madly, badly in love with each other. If that makes you sick, you make me sad. I still have faith in the human spirit. Some of my friends out there give me that faith.

Hell, went to see ‘The Chase’ too, with Henry Rollins playing some meathead cop (total fucking irony – who said Americans don’t understand irony!), with a soundtrack featuring NOFX, Bad Religion, Down by Law, Rancid and a ton more. You know it’s punk to go to the cinema, don’t you! Yes, it’s true – everything you do with your life is punk.

You know me, I probably did a million other things though now I’m not in such a fucking hurry. Taking it easy up until launch date – no stress for me and my baby. As always will keep you informed.

Don’t wait or hesitate, take care, beware, Wrong! – 27th June 1994

Hate That Smile in Holland

You want gossip! Here’s what’s on my mind right now. Write it down, clear it out, forget about it – here’s the rub.

Spoke to Rich from Eastleigh a couple of days ago and had a cool chat, Rich being more forward than usual and telling me what he’d been up to. Anyways he mentioned Fatty had been in touch to try and speak to Rob. Rob not being there, Rich had a quick chat with Fatty saying he should get in touch with me, ur that maybe I should get in touch with him. According to Rich, Fatty didn’t say anything to that and when Rich mentioned about going up to some of the gigs in Southampton, Fatty replied ‘maybe after September’. Rich was rather taken aback by this apparently and we can only assume that he’s waiting from me to leave this country before taking up again with our mutual friends.

When Rich told me this I just said ‘Oh well, no good to harbour hatred’ and shrugged it off, but afterwards it really got me down. It’s not nice knowing someone out there hates you to the extent of wanting to see you go away completely. It’s upsetting and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m very sensitive to these things (as you may have worked out by now anyway). It also makes me angry because I have not done anything wrong and my hater (Fatty) can’t even come and talk to me about it.

Okay, I’m saddened because this person can’t deal with their problem, can’t handle their emotions and can’t be honest with me about it. Remember, last time I spoke to Fatty, we left on amicable terms and he’d be in touch (also remember I don’t know his new address or phone number – Yes, I could get both if I really wanted to!) And now the turnaround – his problem is not my problem.

If I met him now I would talk to him like nothing has happened (in fact nothing has happened has it!?) and it really is a shame for him that he hasn’t been to see me in the last six months and a shame he probably won’t see me again after September. For me, however, it is not a shame. I feel like I’ve cut out a poisonous sore, an infection. Close the door on a chapter of my past, one which turned sour, especially at a critical time for me emotionally, with Steve passing away.

I am stronger. My character will carry me through this and I can only hope one day Fatty can see how foolish and stubborn he has been. Good luck old friend, remember, happiness is only just around the corner. So there it is. Now I can forget about it. Will write you some more later.

I feel great, let’s celebrate
It’s a sunny day, let’s dance and play
Never fear, love is here
– Wrong by Nomeansno

I don’t understand a word she says, she’s on my side – 23rd June 1994

Time moves on, ticking by. Stars collide, weather changes.

I get a haircut and finish reading Nick Cave’s ‘And the Ass Saw the Angel’. This book being the reason for my lack of entries over the past two days. That feeling of time running out, that feeling of just another page, egging you on at quarter to the midnight hour (before the football starts). Just another twist of plot to intrigue and entice further inspection. To tease tired eyes onwards.

And now I’m empty of literature – dispensed it all out of my mind as soon as it went in and now in need of another fix. Like a junkie looking for a needle, I was looking through our small book collection. Think I may start on a reread of Hunter S Thompson’s ‘The Great Shark Hunt’.

Football, of course, has kept my brain stimulated and Broni has quested on a fitness regime at the gym and pool while I slob in front of the TV, egging my teams on (whoever they maybe). I won’t bore you with scores, old memory, but see if you can drag up that Italy vs Norway match when Italy’s keeper got sent off and remarkably their coach opted to sacrifice Roberto Baggio (one of the world’s best players) and eventually his gamble paid off.

Much, much more to look forward to on the football front but now I must devote some time to my sweetheart – a companion worthy of my attention. A lover worthy of my desire. I love her and want her and she forgives me all the shit I give her in my way.

Sometimes I don’t understand my way. In fact I don’t think it’s meant for me to understand but for people looking in – for you. I hope you don’t judge me purely on my way – in fact, try not to judge me at all (I’ll try not to judge). You are you, you be your way – that’s okay. I am my way. I think you’re beginning to get my drift.

All’s you need to know, diary friend, is she is special to me,

I could have been like Lou Barlow but I’m more like Ken Barlow – 20th June 1994

Okay, children of the revelation – no entries for five lots of 24. Here’s why.

Night of the 15th, me and Broni watched the film The Subterraneans – based on the Kerouac novel. In which George Peppard (very fucking young and non cigar chewing) plays the writer and spiels his ‘time’ spiel i.e. “there’s not enough time to watch every football match, kiss every girl, talk to everyone, but I must keep trying” and the mad girl tells him “You writers – you spend so much time writing about things you’ve done at the expense of things you could be doing and trying to write it down oh so right!” This crushed me! Till now anyway.

John-boy lost his voice on Wednesday, to which gave us all great delight in ribbing him as he is normally 1 million words a minute.

And so, The World Cup did start on Friday, much to Broni’s bemusement but we watched first match at Kerry’s (Germany one, Bolivia nil – the Germans are the most boring team to watch and Bolivia did give them a run for awhile). I stayed up to watch Spain versus South Korea and at 2.20am, with 6 minutes to go, decided to call it a night, with Spain two goals up, only to find out next day South Korea scored two cracking goals in six minutes to level it! Spain are also very dull and South Korea played beautiful passing football.

With a barbecue and TV planted outdoors we watched Ireland triumphantly beat Italy one nil and last night (Sunday), Norway vs Mexico in the same group (also one nil). Stayed up for the first half of Cameroon vs Sweden, which was a cracker of a match (One one, half time) Don’t know who won yet!

Broni doesn’t quite share my enthusiasm so I’ve been letting her get some sleep in the full of our single bed and last night I came to bed excited about wedding speeches. And, of course, I must tell you that we’ve ordered some designer wedding rings from a jeweller in Salisbury – the only thing I think I’ll get on my finger – slightly unusual, well, very unusual for wedding bands, mixed coloured golds and non-symmetric. Much nicer then the tack of yer standard high street affairs.

So I dreamt about Lou Barlow instead of Henry Rollins, and sure, I introduced him to my mum! Woke up to the lovely cooing face of my sweetheart. Life is good, life is scary, life is fun, life is love.

(Later) Here I sit, in the summer swelter, thirsty and starved, contemplating my situation. And oh, life is just a series of appointments but I have the energy and enthusiasm to meet every deadline I may have made from myself. Fucking hell, lots of people can’t even get out of their chairs to turn the TV off (I’m no smarter or dumber than them) – it’s just about doing it. And now I know I can deal with this big stress a-coming, just a series of appointments I’ve made, big ones, little ones, it is true, size is not important. These paths I travel are destiny – they are waiting for me to seek them out. I accept the challenge.

On the way home through the ruins I wave to the ghosts far beyond – 15th June 1994

Romantic summer days are here, away from the rush and push of offices and ungentlemen.

Here today, I am sat in my favourite long wide valley, next to a muddy old excuse for a duckpond. A scattering of houses, barns and farms make up this community that probably hasn’t changed in 100 years. Only thing new here is tarmac and pylons –something we are now anaesthetised to. These are the places of fairytales, fables and folklore. The old crooked fence, the run down barn, birds a-chattering and flapping by. And people – where are they? Lazily making their way to the cows, I bet.

From one reality to another, with a brief sentence respite (this one).

Last night, me and my love dressed up in our rags for another punky party at the Joiners, where we videoed Thirst, The Harries and Broken Toys. I was feeling very unsocial after hurting my back carrying records to and fro and found myself with not much to say to anyone. Did I get my period again so soon? I wonder what it is that brings about this emotional unbalance in me.

And now today – I feel okay! Every morning I wake up bright and chirpy but by afternoon I’m a different difficult kettle of coconuts.

Another visit to the chiropractor today. Fun in the fundus. Go forth amongst men and be civil.

How do you hide from something you have found? – 14th June 1994

Ah, Sweet summer days are here upon us. And I have the summer madness.

Broni said she was reminded of Australia when she woke up this morning to bright beaming sunshine. She even managed to raise her slender elegance out of bed before I left for work. And by some conniving I’ve managed to get the driving job for the two weeks our driver is off – so this morning I loaded up quickly and by 9 o’clock (Now) I’m sat in the hotness of the morning by the tempting waters of the River Stour, hardly a soul around to disturb my pleasure.

The heat is rising off the land in this long wide valley and the sky melts from grey to blue the higher you go, and then to yellow the nearer the sun. Birds are chattering away their demented messages and butterflies flutter to and fro, a sundance.

Briefly, let me tell you the past few days. At last, a quietish weekend with a short night out to see some of Kerry’s friends at the Avon Causeway to celebrate someone’s birthday (This was Friday). I couldn’t cope with the smoke and incessant chatter – I could not hear a fucking thing anyone was saying. Soon bored (me anyway) we came home.

Saturday I can’t recall at this moment. Let me tell you, my quiet has been erased here by some farmer type teaching his dog to fetch. This he is doing by throwing a dead duck into the river and the dog eagerly jumping in and returning with it. Kinda yuck but strangely normal. Now they’re going, rippling waters the only sign left they’ve been here.

Ah! Saturday me and Broni walked through the park and watched big fish jump and crash in the murky waters. And fluffy cygnets eating bugs while mom and pop hissed at any passers-by. Mad youngsters jump off roofs into bushes, trampoline style their support (and a reminder of my youth – not long gone).

I went to the bone cruncher yesterday for the first time – an odd experience but hopefully worthwhile at the end of this treatment.

Now I must go – one last look around – life can’t get much better than this – once more in the pursuit of happiness. Bye bye.

It begins with a blessing and ends with a curse – 9th/10th June 1994


Oh aching extremities, busted bones!


Ha ha! Yesterday’s entry was all I could manage and I even added the exclamation mark today!

The reason for those aches and pains was a long session of tennis with Snowy in which I came back to win the first set 6-4 from 3-0 down. Second set, I got trounced 6-0 and third set I finally won 9-7, two and a quarter hours later, amid beautiful evening sunshine and blowy wind.

The object really was to get some exercise so I guess that worked quite well though here I am now, two days later with sore muscles in places I never knew existed. I went to occupational therapy for my wrist the morning before playing tennis and the guy there looked in despair at me and my poor wrist when I mentioned playing tennis! He discharged me and said he could do no more for me!

Still – day after I visited a chiropractor who thinks all my wrist problems could be the result of a back problem affecting my right side upper body. So convinced was this guy that he could help me that I’ve opted for some treatment by this bone cruncher.

Each night me and my Broni have been too exhausted to even think – we work so fucking hard and have so many things to think about at the moment that we’re in danger of total mental collapse. Needless to say, little arguments arise out of our frustrated situation and it’s making September 27th beg to come sooner!

Last Friday I went to the Joiners to see Herb Garden, MTA and Frankenslag. I had a cool chat with Karl, Herb Garden’s singer, about Australia amongst other things. I seem to have this habit of bringing up the subject whoever I talk to – it’s interesting to get people’s reactions. Most are in favour – saying they’d like to go too – only one guy said it was bad and couldn’t understand why I want to leave such a good country! Yeah right! I couldn’t believe it either!

Me and Broni talked some today about our situation and we came up with half a plan for Australia. We hope (to be able to afford) that I can stay home and write, maybe do some part-time work while Broni works a well-paid job. Then, when inevitably, little babies come along, she can do her work privately and part-time and share our responsibilities to little Bubka and Quarrychase! I hope to make some quick financial gains to give me a confidence boost and to make it seem worthwhile. I know we’ll make it all work one way or another.

Well, here’s to a quiet weekend after last weekend’s oddness – went to Blandford to see Urban Strawberry Lunch bang some tubes and trash cans and then the Wizards of Twiddly play their brand of funked-up, pumped up jazz. All this in a marquee in a field – freezing cold – to an unreceptive audience – we videoed kids dancing their peculiar childish dances which made us laugh and wish to be kids. From here on something hit me emotionally and drained me of all my energy and enthusiasm. Like the low point of my cycle – the moon in the wrong place or some such and that blew the weekend, unfortunately.

Hope to have more for you soon. Time is now.

Somedays this and somedays that – 2nd June 1994

Soon awake around 9 but such a wonderful sleep. Breakfast ate and monies paid for board, we trekked back across London to Kew Gardens – once again bright sunny day.

We spent about four hours in gasping amazement at the wonders of nature that are held here. Flowering Rhododendrons, tall bushy trees, ducks and squirrels, palms and bamboo. Despite our weary legs we saw as much as we could, sunshine charging our batteries. So much beauty contained here in the middle of the big stink. Do the London people come here to relax at 4 pounds per time, I wonder?

I still think London is a beautiful place and I’m looking forward to living in Sydney with a bit of hustle and bustle, at least for awhile.

Our drive home was torturous, legs aching so, and desperate to sit down and do nothing! We dropped off Robbie in Southampton and arrived home an hour later, only to make arrangements to go and cook up some dinner at Kerry’s. Ah! Sweet food, shovelled in and nothing else to do but watch TV and read magazines, and I fell asleep as the girls watched Beauty and the Beast.

Pick me up and turn me round
Into the disarray around me

And for next two nights till now we’re still catching up on our beauty rest, my Broni being the cutest thing on earth when waking each new morning. Soon I’ll be able to stay in bed there with her and talk and play and not get up till teatime!

Squalor is at large in tidy suburbia – 1st June 1994

Oh and Rob was dancing da boogie to da Ramones and we all did, and the house rocked, literally. Me and Broni slept on the tiniest single bed that we ever slept but we did sleep instantly heads hit pillow.

I woke at 7am, sun streaming in across lillied water, some bird gently greeting the day too right outside, in his own house of sorts. Soon I stirred everyone (Broni and Rob) and coffee’d them up into action and saying our farewells we left this beautiful spot for the big smoke.

Oh but it was a beautiful journey through tunnels of gloriously green trees and on through twisty villages, sun streaming constant casting beautiful tree shadows across the road we journeyed. On and on, til building shaped the scape and after much navigation found New Cross and parked up close to tonight’s gig and hit the road on foot and rail. Taking the underground overground and into the city to Victoria, to book some place to stay the night and catch another coffee (us all tired and weak by now).

Onto South Ken to the V&A Museum which was most cool as we spent hours looking at jewellery and costumes and artefacts and the excellent glass exhibition. Shapes and colours bouncing and reflecting – understandable fascination people have with glass, the collection of it.

Oh but it’s all too much and our dials are on overload so to Covent Garden to watch performers and candlemakers through hustle and bustle to food and nourishment .Budweiser returns colour to cheeks and my tired body prepared itself for next part of our adventure which I will have to detail you later.

And now is later. So we took long train back under and over to New Cross and got ourselves ready for the night’s ear bash. Inside the venue (called The Venue) some band thankfully finished their Carter inspired set – singer being a real whinger moaning type, but they looked pretty young so good luck to them in the future.

Into second beer and second band, Poisoned Electric Head, came on all wired and weird in funny masks and I think the singers should have kept them on. They started out vaguely interesting but soon hit dirgedom. Oh well, next band we saw from upstairs and have no idea who they is, a violin or two and hymnal female vocals reminded me of Cranes – I thought they were great at what they do but not my groove thang, you understand.

Into the middle front for Cardiacs who, fuck me dead, started with Burn Your House Brown – what a fucking ripper! And Loosefish Scapegrace in there too with some newies and oldie classic. My itching body throbbed to the beat and if more room was available I’da been windmilling air guitar, Pete Townshend (John Otway) style. Stone Age Dinosaurs/To Go Off and Things blew me away. Phew. We leave soon after second encore, ears ringing pretty tunes. Rob says ‘fairground hardcore’ and that’s all I can make out.

We sit drained in the car and navigate to our B&B where long needed rest is urged upon our bodies. Soon found it soon happens and tomorrow is another day.