I feel calm. I have a sense of loneliness with anticipation. Anything could happen. I’m calm but I want it to happen now. Right now. If I have to make it happen then I will. I know I can do anything – it just seems strange to have no one to share it with.

26th Dec 2021 – As we look back it’s strange to imagine that these words are from 20 years ago. The emotional intensity is still immediate, yet I’m now somehow detached.

At a low point, despite feeling calm, I was still agitated and anxious about the future. I had been through a handful of years at an extreme high, now was the time to deal with the hangover.

TLJ had often mentioned to me that I always seemed to feel that I needed a girlfriend or a partner and, despite my denials, it was true. I needed that female figure, that mother replacement, in my life and it felt like a constant search.

It wouldn’t be for another few years before that feeling would change and, at the same time, finding the long term partner that I had been seeking.