You’d like to write a book but you’re not sure how to begin – 23rd February 2002

Something is wrong
Just so easy for me to get distressed – just some little thing
I hate it! Why?
Because I didn’t get enough sleep or enough to eat?
So I resort to drink – when I know it only makes it worse!
It’s just nothing but it changes the whole day.

I love my boy
But I can’t do enough. I really really don’t want him to end up like this part of me!
I know there is good inside me – how can I give this to him?

I’m drunk I’m gone – it’s just a waste of breath.

25th Feb 2022 – When I look back at this today I can see that I was obviously dejected and glum about my life as it was but it’s noticeable that I’m very aware of it. It was just that I didn’t have the tools to make the positive changes that I needed. It would be at some point in the next year or two that I sought out professional help again.

I was living just a short walk from Macquarie University and occasionally would go and check out the library to find interesting things to read. At some point, I also enrolled in Chinese Language 101 so was around the campus even more often. It was then I discovered that there was a Psychiatry Department and as part of final year student training was 60 hours of real-life consulting. The students got real-life experience and best of all, for patients, was heavily discounted rates. At the time I think it was $20 per hour, where the usual rate could be between $80 and $150 per hour. There was a limit of ten sessions but this was too good an opportunity for me to get some help.

Image is an AI interpretation of the first three lines of text – made at NightCafe

I can’t stop now, I’ve travelled so far, to change this lonely life – 19th February 2002

I don’t know what love is.
I know what it isn’t.

25th Feb 2022 – Well, here I am twenty years later and I feel like I understand better about ‘love’ now. Part of that is being with the right person, another part is my improved self-esteem. In the words I wrote, I feel that the word ‘love’ could be replaced with many things. It’s a sign of immaturity – which is fine – so long as it resolves at some point in your life.

Unfortunately, this post puts a particular song into my head, which I won’t mention, saving you from the same head worm. The clue is in the title though.

Image found through an image search using the post title.

Purely by coincidence, the next article I read contained this quote (or paraphrase) from Aristotle:
“To understand anything, we must understand what it is not.” Perhaps I was already on the way.

We don’t care what you say…. – 14th February 2002

Strength through adversity. Fuck ’em all. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
That’s a ‘good’ fuck you!

13th Jan 2022 – The emotions are angry and the feeling is negative yet it’s clear that I had a positive approach. My head understood what confused my heart. I could be strong and independent, and at the same time, weak and wanting. Balance was on its slow path to engaging this scared little boy.

Bonus points for the connection between the picture and this post.

There’s kerosene around – 3rd February 2002

In 2001 I set myself on fire – now I’ll smoulder. I’ve got to learn to control it – direct my thoughts.

9th Jan 2022 – The calm after the storm. I knew what I had to do but it would be a long while before I actually could. Sometimes I’m a slow learner. More storms on the horizon.

Not my picture included but I have memories of seeing approaching storms at Bondi Beach, just like this.