She’s an egg, putting on a face A tough nut, that’s a fact She needs some love and kindness Or she’s bound to end up cracked She’s an egg amongst many others One mistake may lead to ruin When the shell starts to break open She may be her own undoing She’s an egg, hidden away inside Soft and so easy to rot Let some air in to breathe Before she gets herself forgot
A nation of lazy contemplative men would be incapable of fighting a war unless their very laziness were attacked. Wars are the activities of busy-ness.
Today I’m feeling: Gurgling guts, sore tummy and tired from lack of sleep, though it’s not getting me down. Just write off the day catching up with videos I’ve wanted to watch. Today I’m grateful for: The carbon pills and electrolyte powder to help settle my stomach. These are a standard in every Thai household first aid kit. Bad guts and diarrhoea are pretty common here. The best thing about today was: Buying new socks. Some days it’s the simple things. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? My ass was out of control today and I handled it by being lazy and lethargic and being close to the toilet in case of an emergency. Shit happens. Something I learned today? Thailand imports trash especially since China banned importation in 2017 but since it has such difficulty dealing with it will slowly phase out bringing in more by 2025. That’s the plan but I can foresee things getting in the way of that target. What’s your New Year’s Resolution or goal? I haven’t done new year’s resolutions for many years, discovering how difficult they are to maintain. Why choose this date? If you’ve failed with them by the end of January maybe you feel bad for the rest of the year or just wait til the next new year to start again. I’ve had more success with just starting things at times that felt right or were appropriate. I also never beat myself up if these things get derailed and just do my best to get back on track.
I asked AI to take the Lardna image and make it into a manga image – hence the featured (yet unrelated otherwise!) manga picture.
She made me dream She made me wonder She made me feel I’m nearing six feet under
And she didn’t do anything She just simply needed to be I don’t know who she was And she certainly didn’t know me
Across the room She quietly sat And suddenly My world no longer flat
She stood up and walked around And I followed with my stare I lived a life in ten minutes Of which she was completely unaware
So I give thanks Princess unknown To the thought That you’ll never be alone
Make sure to live a life complete My all your dreams come true And if you never live another day At least someone remembered you
I was ashamed of myself when I realised that life was a costume party; and I attended with my real face.
Today I’m feeling: Tired and ok Today I’m grateful for: The parking officer at the hotel in the city, who has always been nice and helpful. Amy remembers him from when she was younger and he was always nice even then. The best thing about today was: A night out in the city. I haven’t been here all year. It’s different and interesting to see what’s going on even though it doesn’t excite me. The main part of the city is really for tourists and I’m not a tourist anymore. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? My exhaustion from driving yesterday knocked me out until about 5pm, knowing I had to go out for the evening. I just slept and watched tv until then when I finally started to feel normal again. Now I’m giving in to the urge to medicate with alcohol, cocktails are all this old man can manage. I hope tomorrow doesn’t hate me too much. Something I learned today? Some new exercises for my aching hips. The pain is getting worse and I just hope I can avoid any major complications by doing some exercises. My neck has improved somewhat since using stretch bands to work my shoulders. Pain just moves around my body from one place to the next. I need to exercise everything all day if I want to maintain but who’s going to do that? How do you feel about video games? I like them but I’m too old for them now. My eyes can’t keep up with the action on the screen. Modern games seem to promote excitement over gameplay which is not so interesting to me. I got into video games during their introduction and watched their early evolution carefully. If I was a kid today I’m sure I’d be sucked into them. Real life is a video game.
How to fill the hole in that space? The emptiness in the halls When reminded every day By the pictures on the walls? Your smell permeates the air Your shoes still outside the door Waiting for some other soul Because you don’t need them anymore As your clothes hang in the cupboard Unbearable, the thought to remove But one day the burden must lift Knowing you’d surely approve Now you’re blown to the wind But the heart is where you stay Bittersweet what time is left Until I join you again one day
Educate the children and it won’t be neccesary to punish the men.
Today I’m feeling: Tired and sleepy Today I’m grateful for: Shitty 7/11 coffee to fuel my drive to Lampang. No decent coffee today but that will make tomorrow all the more sweet. The best thing about today was: At uncle’s funeral today there was the usual chanting and ceremony but something I hadn’t seen before was a traditional acapella song that sounded almost islander in origin. Mourners gathered around the coffin and with arms around each other in a long chain they swung side to side with the rhythm. It was really quite beautiful. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Almost everything was out of my control today except my thoughts and reactions, which were all positive. Today was a day for other people and I submitted to that. Something I learned today? The US military has recruiters in US schools actively targeting the poor and those unable to afford college tuition fees (or their debt). Military personnel, I believe, get free college tuition. That’s pretty crazy! What are you most proud of in your life? Coincidentally I just posted a response to a similar question that I wrote a couple of years ago. That was a list of three things I was proud of, which still stands today. Though looking at this question grammatically, I wouldn’t want to have one thing I was most proud of but to be proud of many things. Life is long and deserves many proud moments.
When the rain pours Is it angry at man? The anger addict shouts At all the clouds he can Looking for a reason To again raise his voice Practice becomes instinct The anger addicts’ choice Upset by words written Baited for the bite The anger addict screaming That he is always right Finally, breath runs out Wasted time disappeared No one ever listened As the anger addict feared Proved himself correct With nothing left to say Quietly, proudly satisfied Happy in his own way
There is no complete life. There are only fragments. We are born to have nothing, to have it pour through our hands.
Today I’m feeling: Happy Today I’m grateful for: Dutchie, JubJib, Sheena and Khet for working hard to organise a fun lesson (scavenger hunt in the park opposite the school) for the last one of the year for their class. They even pushed me along to get going with things today. They all learned a lot about organising and planning and how throwing a bunch of people of students into the mix will likely fuck up those plans! The best thing about today was: The happy faces of the class when I told them we’d be doing the rest of the class in the park. They didn’t know what to expect but they were surely not disappointed when I told them to put their books away! What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? As usual, these will be my classes. I think outside of those there wasn’t anything really exciting that got too wacky. In my 2/7 class Gun became particularly annoying and instead of confronting and escalating further I just tried to ignore him and dobbed him in to his homeroom teacher. I like Gun even though he’s crude, rude and lazy but he stops other students from learning and that’s something I can’t accept. Something I learned today? I learned that tomorrow I have to wake up at 5 am. I know that other information entered my brain today but it’s shoved somewhere at the back and right now, getting up early is what’s on my mind as I’m laying here in bed wondering when I might actually fall asleep! Add a photo that makes you smile every time you see it. Our first king-size mattress. It would be a while before we got a bed. Either way, Amy made claim on her part of the bed immediately.
*format from The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams
Every path is the right path. Anything might have been anything else and had just as much meaning to it.
Today I’m feeling: Happy, a little tired from noisy classes Today I’m grateful for: The salad seller at the market again. Amy told me she would be out for dinner when I got home so I rode off to the market not sure what I would decide to have and this time I went back to the salad which I haven’t had for a while now. It was great. The best thing about today was: Having fun in my classes despite the kids being noisy and lazy. I made Nam and Aoi laugh when they sometimes get angry with me pushing them. Goya was loud and hard-working and enjoying things and at the end, Gam happily stayed back to finish her work whilst I played around with Fah who was waiting for her. In the morning I helped Dena, Nicha and Namkhing individually with some reading and sent the top 4 off to investigate and prepare for our scavenger hunt which we should have on Wednesday if all goes to plan. I think that I’ve got my mind in the right place for these kids now. I also found out today that we have Friday and Monday off for the new year holiday. Cool! What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? The kids in the morning were particularly noisy so I moved a few of them around which helped for a while. As I was trying to help them with reading and pronunciation most were just talking with each other so I stopped and told them I wouldn’t help them anymore and to record themselves reading the passage. I almost lost it but distracted myself by talking with the top 4 as described above, so at least I still felt useful. Slowly students started to come and ask for my help, realising they should have been listening before. They all did it and did it well enough in the end. There are different ways to get to the destination. Something I learned today? Tangmo has got a new friend and decided to bring them here tonight. I thought it was ‘Mo on the terrace but then saw it was a slightly thinner shape and when I went to open the door it ran off. Later I went out to see if it was still around when I thought I saw it in the darkness but then Tangmo ran out to me. I went to get the rope for him and then saw the other dog cautiously nearby. It wouldn’t come close but was curious. I threw the rope for ‘Mo who collected it and then ran out with it, then to chase the new dog up the road and out of sight with the rope flowing behind him from his mouth…probably never to be seen again! The rope, that is. Dopey ‘Mo will be back tomorrow wondering why I have no rope to play with anymore. What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony? I’m not sure that I’m holding on to anything these days. I’ve let go of most things that have caused me trouble, often, maybe too often, by avoidance or running away, but now just by forgiveness and forgetting. I don’t make other people’s problems mine anymore. Sometimes I still hold on to the point that I should be trying to stuff as much information into my student’s heads as possible and whilst that may be suitable for one or two kids it doesn’t lead to harmony in the classroom. So I do usually let that go anyway.
All around is static A photo reel reflection I see myself, a boy, a man Open to inspection Shadows passing in ceaseless flux A work in progression Destruction and evolution Are the cycles of obsession Holding onto pain Until I learned to let it go Significance is impermanent As I’ve slowly come to know
People who cannot suffer can never grow up, never discover who they are.
Today I’m feeling: Relaxed and average, not up, not down. Today I’m grateful for: Our machete, which I seem to blunt every time I use it but it helped me cut through the vines of the passionfruit. Do I need to buy an angle grinder now so that I can sharpen it again? Or perhaps I will go to auntie next door one day and challenge myself to communicate what I need. The best thing about today was: Pushing through my desire to sleep and motivate myself to finish pulling down all the passionfruit plants. I thought I would just let it go wild forever but after three months of constant collecting and juicing, then drinking I feel like I’ve had enough passionfruit now! The plant tangles up easily and even a couple of weeks after I chopped it off at the base it was still a pain in the ass to get it down from the frame it was wrapped around. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I got up a little later than usual so by the time I got to Utopia my usual spot was gone and I had to sit on the uncomfortable car seat. That’s ok, sometimes it’s good to see the same part of the world from a different angle (see yesterday). The coffee was good, the book was good. As it was uncomfortable to sit for long I didn’t hang around as long as I usually do so that was kinda good anyway, get home and get on with things. Something I learned today? Today I messed around with ChatGPT and then the full Invoke AI, to see what pictures it came up with. I’ll learn a little more about this to see if I can use it to generate images for my blog posts. Did you celebrate Christmas today? Write about it. Not particularly. Amy likes to put up a Christmas tree and lights and she gave a gift to Nut and Bruno before we went for a more upmarket-than-normal meal. Amy is getting her eyelashes done and I’m listening to Liars and The Feud at home.
Why is this time dead? A month to end the year When will the winter wane And snowfalls start to clear? Eternal hope for spring Give us one more go Young buds march on pretty Running beyond the slow Why is December dying And January a start? Run no more towards the sun Temper your beating heart
Darkness must fall before we are aware of the majesty of the stars above our heads.
Today I’m feeling: Tired, dizzy but in an ok mood. Today I’m grateful for: Amy’s friends to take her up to Doi Chang overnight for a drunken adventure. The best thing about today was: Finding an interesting youtube channel of a Chinese girl travelling from Europe to China. It’s nice to see this kind of video from a non-western perspective. Another thing was my old student Baitoey sending me a recording of her playing an online kalimba. She played Happy Birthday and wanted me to hear it. That was very nice of her and I appreciated it. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I wasn’t sure when Amy would be coming down from the mountain. She called at 10 am and it seemed like it would be early afternoon but it turned out to be around 6pm and by that time she was drunk already and we had to get through some shopping at Makro. She was in a good happy mood and I just let her be herself and everything was groovy. Something I learned today? From watching the youtube mentioned above I got a quick tour around the small Chinese city of Guangde in Anhui and it made me want to go there. Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind. The tune to We Three Kings as I was just playing it on guitar. It didn’t sound terrible!
A filter for your fine wine Clever ways to pass the time Background noise, it overtakes A price to pay for your mistakes Filter out your reputation Open to reinterpretation A vessel holding temporary A vintage wine exemplary
…people sell their freedom as a necessity for getting rid of the anxiety which is too great to bear…
Today I’m feeling: Happy and relaxed Today I’m grateful for: My student’s relatively good moods. I can’t quite comprehend what Christmas means for these kids but, being what they are, they take full advantage of the generally relaxed atmosphere. The best thing about today was: Talking with Eing, Nicha, Nam and Dena outside class. They were in a friendly and curious mood and with our mixed language skills we managed to communicate together for a good ten minutes. This felt like the place where real learning, trying and experiencing, happens. In the classroom is just a setup, a prep. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I’m actually writing this on Saturday morning as I fell asleep listening to music last night. Time ran out of my control. I also got a message from Bronwyn that Hayden had to confront a potential burglar at home on Thursday night. I called him, he was a bit shaken by the experience but he seemed to handle everything well really. His covid symptoms aren’t so bad this time but he has to stay away from work for two weeks which is leaving him short of cash. Despite everything, and his voice being a little down, he seemed pretty positive. Being far away and being a dad to an adult means relinquishing control and letting your child deal with the good and the bad in the world. Watching personalities develop is an interesting experiment. I will do it with Hayden for the rest of my life. I will do it with my students for a year or two of theirs. Something I learned today? I learned that Martin Atkins has a post-punk museum in Chicago. He was talking about it on the Curious Creatures podcast. I communicated briefly with Martin a few years ago when getting hold of the Snapline album that he mixed. In interviews I’ve seen with him online he has a certain bravado, a barrier he constructs but his articulation with the hosts of the podcast was much more sincere and I liked him a lot more. How are you celebrating the holidays this year? As can be expected this app (Day One) is a western Christian-centric app, despite being available to people anywhere in the world and it expects you to be having holidays about now. And I’m not. So I’ll be working as these are just normal days here.
Am I sitting down yet? Are my feet touching the floor? No recognition of reality Is it worth existing anymore Am I breathing air? Is blood pumping through my veins? No recognition of a life itself No usefulness remains
*inspired by a story from Seneca
You determine the quality of your mind by the nature of your daily thoughts.
Robert Greene, Daily Laws
Today I’m feeling: Happy but a little on edge Today I’m grateful for: Our air fryer which nicely cooked the Hainan ginger fake chicken I ate for dinner with rice and cucumber (to counter the hot chilli sauce dressing). Amy has made me 3 servings to freeze for when she has gone too. I suppose I could learn to use the fryer too but I just don’t bother cooking by myself. The best thing about today was: Undoubtedly, both my classes which I took a very relaxed attitude towards whilst still having the kids semi-engaged with activities. Even the kids that get annoyed with me did some work and seemed to enjoy what we were doing. Some days I love them all. Today was one of those days. Tomorrow should be too. One class making Christmas cards and another two just doing online quizzes and then it’s the weekend again (finally – last night I thought it would be Friday today until I realised it wouldn’t and felt the energy drain out of me!) What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Amy is grumpy today, maybe PMT, so I’m trying to not bite at her and let it pass. I’m not always successful and she got angry when I misheard her about something and reacted badly. I let it blow over and apologised for misunderstanding and just tried to carry on as if nothing happened. I don’t think we’ll have good communication for the rest of the night, so let it lie and wake up tomorrow to a brand new sunny day, or at least we get to start again. Something I learned today? Hayden has Covid again. Hopefully, it’s not as bad as the first time and he recovers soon. I messaged Ellen too, who I haven’t been in contact with for about six months and since China relaxed their lockdown policy a couple of weeks ago, she and many of her clients got Covid too. I think China’s tough covid policy was the best way to deal with it and hopefully, now the virus is weaker there will be fewer deaths from infections. It’s amazing to me that other countries didn’t take it as seriously. What tattoo do you want and where would you put it? The next tattoo I get will be some Cardiacs lyrics on my right calf. I also want to get a Boognish tattoo but not quite sure where yet. Still thinking about the weird Trumans Water Spasm Smash cover too.
If this is the last time I see you Remember the love I had for you Recall the tender times, the loving touch Hold it for a second But don’t be afraid to let it go I may be a ghost in your rooms Always close, felt but not seen Be as you always were Because that is what made me love you
*title from Toshida Kenko
We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: evidence of our willingness to give. We play roles doomed to failure before they are begun.
Today I’m feeling: Today I was happy until I got a little bit stressed. Amy was calling me during the class because our electricity got cut off. When I got home, I started to feel exhausted Today I’m grateful for: The electricity people who restored our electricity quickly after we paid our bill. It looks like we may have been without electricity overnight, but luckily, they could restore it in time so that when I got home, everything was okay. The best thing about today was: Sending four of my smarter kids off to do a little project task and asking them to design another task for the rest of the class to do. They were a little bit incredulous at me asking them to do this and one of them, Sheena, jokingly said: “oh so we’re the teachers now?” I kind of said yeah! Actually, it’s more like the kind of work they used to do previously when they were doing integrated study and the level I have to teach them at now, it’s too easy for these kids, just these four, maybe a couple of others. Anyway, they seem to enjoy the challenge and I keep pushing them a little bit harder. Unfortunately, it means I have to teach one class, but two different groups at two different levels all at the same time which is a little bit challenging for me though I think it will be better in the end. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? So, out of my control today was the fact our electricity got cut off because the bill hadn’t been paid. I thought that I had paid it back when we were in Phuket at the beginning of the month but it looks like either the payment didn’t go through or I ended up forgetting to finish it off because there were too many problems with the app and the payment system. So in the middle of my class, Amy was calling me over and over and over again because she was at home with no electricity. Eventually, I returned her call and I tried to find information on my phone about when I paid the bill, but I had kids hassling me for their work and taking care of them and I was getting a bit stressed trying to multitask and then Amy calling back again and asking if I found it. And finally, she called me back and said that she paid the bill, but she wasn’t sure if they were gonna have time to come and turn the electricity back on and she was obviously a little bit upset. For me, I was remembering something I was reading this morning which was ‘if there’s a problem that you can’t fix stop worrying about it and if it’s a problem that you can fix, then stop worrying about it’ and this was a problem but ultimately it was quite an easy fix so I tried to stay calm even when Amy still had an angry face when I got home. Everything is good now though. Crisis averted. Something I learned today? I should check that all the bills have been paid every couple of weeks just in case there’s any problem. I learned lots of other little things today, but this is one I have to remember Where do you get your news? I watch some commentary programs on YouTube and follow some writers in Substack but in general, I don’t follow the news enough to know what is going on everywhere and don’t see any need to. Most of it has no impact on me and if there’s something important that I do need to know about then someone will tell me.