Always searching for the elusive Open to interpretation Blown along like leaves in the wind To catch on to inspiration There’s no dogma here on the fence With a view of the garden on each side Just going along with the flow And the push and pull of the tide We’re humbled by the mysterious In awe of those who rage There’s a beautiful idea here Just waiting for the page
inspired by Red Hand Files #229
Today I’m feeling:
Flat, sad. The fucking smoke outside isn’t helping as the light barely gets beyond a dusklike feeling all day. It’s like a typical English dull grey weekend sky. This just makes me want to sleep. The slight mood upswing yesterday has been brought right back to earth. How do I miss a cat so much? Is it my mistake to have focused all my love onto Kim without even realizing it. Is it safer to not love?
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy being able to visit Mai in Albury which helps distract from her own feeling of loss and discomfort at not being here. It’s hard for me to be enthusiastic on video calls but seeing Mai’s daughter YaYa is pretty entertaining as she is a very lively and active 5-year-old.
The best thing about today was:
I’m still unenthusiastic but the first coffee was good and the 20 baht of strawberries I picked up outside 7/11 were ripe and juicy. It’s good that the garden got taken care of and also to see Amy and YaYa.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve not quite got a grip on my emotions yet and finding it hard to be here without Amy. I know things will get better and it will take time.
Something I learned today?
I came across the movie Made in Britain on YouTube today. I can remember watching it in 1982 and being excited by the music and the fucked up attitude of Trevor, played by Tim Roth. I seem to recall being confused by it at the time because it wasn’t clear to me what the message might have been as it amounts to either conform or go to prison. I know that was the purpose of the movie, that there didn’t seem to be any other options but that was little consolation to angry 14-year-old me. My solution was to run away to Australia which I think was the best decision of my life. Watching it again now made me kind of unhappily nostalgic. Those times were depressing yet they were all I knew. I guess inside I did still have a will to find a way out because that’s what happened. I can’t imagine what I would be doing if I was still stuck there. I was useless, with a bad attitude but I never had the guts to do the dumb things Trevor did in the movie. When my old schoolmate Jeremy boasts about having been in prison I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. Fuck I’m glad those times are over yet I still wish I could live them again.
Describe a perfect day from start to finish.
Right now I feel like answering this like my students would answer it – sleeping!
I took this picture because the gardeners came today and cleaned things up but this picture still reflects my sadness as all the things are still set up in Kim’s room in the centre. Going in there and sorting things act may be the final admission that she’s gone. I still can’t understand it.
I just want to feel numb today Don’t need the good things you say Just want to sleep and fail to care Just want to wallow in my own despair
I want nothing that can be had I just want to be happy being sad I want to punch and scream and yell Let me remain in my personal hell
I want to sink into a deep depression I want to be familiar with this obsession I want to be alone, I want to be there Just let me wallow in my own despair
Today I’m feeling:
Flat, a little uninspired but forcing myself through a to-do list I made last night. It’s distracting me as much as it can but little Kim is everywhere in my mind. Thinking about doing some meditation but think I will be unable to clear my mind and all I will end up thinking about is Kim. I’m tired but slept well and eight hours. I’m looking forward to watching the last two episodes of Top Boy and trying to save them for tonight. I’m at Utopia again this afternoon, enjoying this four-coffee high but wondering if I can get back to crossing something off my list or just falling into watching tv or reading. I need to eat too so that should give me a little brain boost as well.
Today I’m grateful for:
The farmers burning in the mountains behind our house. Why? Well, it looked like they did it when the wind was taking the smoke over the mountain rather than down into the valley. Sorry for the folks that live up there. I wanted to turn into a giant and pour a glass of water over it all and blow away the smoke like I was the Monkey King or something. Despite my comforts I am a victim of poverty too. Tonight, ash is rain.
The best thing about today was:
I dosed and lucid-dreamed, a coffee coma, whilst listening to an interview with David Foster Wallace and a review of The Infinite Jest. Makes me want to read it again. As the conversation phased in and out I felt inspired but when I got up my thoughts turned blank. Or more accurately, they returned to the vacuum in my life once filled by a lovely little cat.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The fires were out of my control but as I mention above I try to make the best of it by imagining they were trying to do the right thing whilst doing the wrong thing.
Something I learned today?
I took a little ride around on the way home from Utopia this afternoon and discovered new roads and paths further into the mountain jungle, where fires have already burned out. There’s lots more building and activity going on. Land being cleared may be for new crops or new houses. Sometimes I don’t recognise places that I rode through only a year ago.
Who has made a difference in my life lately?
This may be one of the usual suspects. Amy and Hayden. My circle is small, I’m fine with that even though I know it can leave me vulnerable in the future. So for people who have made a difference perhaps I might say Bruno for his friendship or David as a work colleague. Maybe the staff at my favourite coffee shops or customers that I have made friends with. Just their small contributions to my life make a difference.
I took this picture because I thought these flowers had all gone already. These are on the corner of the pond below Lake Hill Resort. The pond has now been landscaped for fishing and lots of jungle cleared to transform the area.
Will you be there? Will you be my friend? Will you come to the garden that I tend? Will you gas me up and make me whole? Guide me to the ground when I lose control
Today I’m feeling:
Flat, sad but not teary today. As I experience another day with the empty space that Kim used to fill I start to feel like I’m forgetting her already. This is grief and its recovery. I call her name when I go to the bathroom, pretending she is in the walk-in and if I peek around the corner I will see her beautiful eyes staring out from her favourite box.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s mum and dad inviting me out for dinner as Amy’s brother is here for a few days. However, I’m not up for it. I only slept for 6 hours last night, not due to any trouble sleeping, just that I stayed up late and got up early. I will sleep early tonight for sure. Anyway, I appreciate their offer and that they dropped off some food anyway.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling a bit better than yesterday. Getting a few things done. Distracting myself.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Beyond the usual waiting time at the hospital for my two-minute consultation with the psych which I’m used to now, there was nothing much out of my control. I told him I changed my dose back to a full tablet a couple of weeks ago and also told him about my sadness but that it is not depression and I can tell the difference. I know I have to be careful that I don’t let it develop into depression though but I don’t think it will.
Something I learned today?
I learned that my petulant student Nam is working during her holidays. This kind of makes sense to me as I know she is smart but not academic. I like her a lot despite her attitude towards me sometimes. I love the challenge to make her smile and partake in class even if it is only for brief moments.
What do I love about where I live?
My house feels like home. My village is quiet but I’m still surrounded by convenience or perhaps I’ve just adjusted my activities to what’s available. The temperature is good for about 10 months of the year and the weather is good about the same when there’s no burning. I like the slow pace of life and the countryside environment. There are beautiful hills and valleys to explore and people are kind and curious.
I took this picture because even though we have 100s of photos of Cap there may come a time when we think we never took enough. He’s about 14 years old now and has been with us for all of our (Amy and me) relationship. I fixed up his climbing frame and scratching posts so that he has fresh rope to grip with his nails. He loves to be chased there and will scratch as his purrs echo outwards from the corner walls.
A bridge is beckoning And she’s holding the rope Talk of a reckoning Now unable to cope Don’t take that flight Out of selfish pride Step up to the fight Your future undenied The love you never felt Maybe on its way Fold the hand dealt Here to stand and stay
Today I’m feeling:
Happy in myself, a little stressed for others.
Today I’m grateful for:
The kind psychiatrist that talked with me and Baitoey about her problems and ideas to help her. Baitoey scored very poorly on her psychiatric evaluation and I didn’t realise quite how bad she is feeling. The psychiatrist was nice, calm and helpful though and asked me to come back with Baitoey if she doesn’t want her parents to come next time.
The best thing about today was:
I had an enjoyable time walking around school and watching different sports events that many of my students are involved in. There was a really good atmosphere, and everyone was having fun.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got to the hospital with Baitoey it was just as they closed the department for lunch for an hour. Instead of just sitting there I decided to head to TLC to pick up my work permit documents and swing by Oasis to pick up food for dinner. When I got to TLC there was no one there but I messaged and waited for a bit and eventually, Nancy appeared with my documents. I jokingly asked if the application money was there too and was shocked when she said that TLC would reimburse the fee this year! Cool! Baitoey waited patiently in the car and then we headed to Oasis but when we got there it was shut! Damn, I was looking forward to their food too! Oh well, never mind. We got back to the hospital in time just as they reopened again.
Something I learned today?
Old mate Dean Crowe is playing in a band called Potential and will tour New Zealand and catch up with Kieran and Chrissie there. I want to go to NZ again!
What would I like to savour or enjoy more often this year?
I’d like to enjoy better health and having more energy. To savour doesn’t really come into it because savouring can come at odd times, sometimes unexpectedly.
Art and I took these pictures on Saturday because as I was taking the picture of P’ti he was taking the picture of me.
With an easy week last week, no classes on Monday as it was Teachers’ Day and lots of kids skipping school on Friday as it was Chinese New Year made for a nice relaxing lead into the weekend.
On Saturday morning I couldn’t quite decide if I was motivated enough to do anything but eventually, I forced myself out after riding my pushbike to Utopia and back and washing Amy’s doona, which one of our cats had thrown up on. It took all day and several goes in the machine to get it clean and spun, it’s heavy when full of water and stops the machine sometimes and by the evening I gave up and hung it out wet.
So at around 10.30 am I dropped a vial of acid and headed out on little Fino, magical mystery motorbike, with a plan to finally find the way to Mae Chan through the mountains to see how easy it is to avoid the checkpoint. I already knew it wasn’t easy but I’d never actually completed a round trip.
The last time I tried was at the end of the rainy season and that was when I got covered in lots of mud. This time the dirt tracks were flattened rock hard and further on, became a dusty powder.
With a little detour I found the route and as the acid kicked in I felt a wonderous bond with the earth. The valleys of jungle descending to rice fields and streams shone in the golden light and deep blue sky.
On this outward journey, I noted several side roads that looked interesting and thought to investigate on the return. At the end of the valleys, an old village of weather-worn farmers and cute kids and then soon to my destination. It had taken much less time than I expected so those side roads were ripe for investigation.
Up along ridges, riding through pineapple fields, high gradient, still damp earth tracks that I wondered if I could cruise back down without overheating the brakes, off into the forest, where I opted for the new path rather than the familiar, ending up I-don’t-know-where but just kept going because all roads lead to somewhere (most of the time!).
After an hour I hit some paved road and another village of old people and cute kids. As I sat at a junction, one way saying ‘the way out’ but the other way begging me along, an old man with red teeth, high on betelnut maybe, came forward and I asked if I could go on ‘the way in’ and he waved me on with a belly laugh.
And the way in was more beautiful valleys, one after the other.
A beam of light in the distance caught my eye and through a small field, another valley shone as golden hour approached I rode on until I woke up a farmer in his shack, who quickly put on some pants and wandered out to the path. I apologised for making him get dressed as his beautiful dogs came to play. He suggested there was no way out if I kept going and this time I deferred to his judgement and turned back, chuckling at the apparent serenity of this farmer’s life and wondering of the stories he would tell about this stupid farang riding his little bike deep into the middle of nowhere.
And so I went on, reasonably confident I was heading somewhere and new beautiful valleys appeared around every corner, even though they all look the same. It’s amazing to imagine all these places exist and are not just photographs in National Geographic.
Riding between two rice fields I suddenly hit some smashed-up concrete blocks that would have been dumped here in the mud during the rainy season to provide some grip. Now they were embedded in the solid ground and crumbling with each tyre that hit them. Unfortunately, I hit one at the wrong angle and it sent my front wheel off into the powdered earth and keeling over to a sudden stop, throwing me off in front, and perhaps I jumped a little too in an effort to get away from this heavy machine that could land on my leg.
I tumbled forward, hitting my chest on the ground and twisted onto my back where I then also hit my head on the hard earth and came to a stop. I looked at the sky from my new bed of dust, blinked, and mentally surveyed my body, triggering memories of times previous when I’d hit my head or an object had hit it, with that loud stinging ping. I picked up my arms to readjust my glasses and started laughing! Then I slowly and gingerly got up.
As I twisted onto my side I felt a pain in the right side of my chest and my thumb where some skin had come off. Not too bad, considering! I picked up Fino, who had survived completely intact and soldiered on with some laboured breathing as the excitement of events still rattled my body.
On and on until finally back to paved road again and eventually the main road. But still, in the golden hour that lasts from about 3pm to 5.30pm depending on where you are, I went on to investigate PB Valley – some kind of resort with a pretty lake and waterside restaurant. It looked well-maintained but hard to tell if it was being used. There was no one around and a lone security guard sat in the shade away from the gate and motioned me to just go ahead. I wondered who would come all this way to stay here. There didn’t look like there was enough entertainment within the resort and apart from an elephant camp a few kilometres away there’s not much else around.
Eventually, I weaved my way home, waving to various kids and shouting hello and I wondered about the possibilities of doing something for these kids. I have these big ideas at times like this but never feel the push to investigate more, perhaps scared of overcommitting and knowing that these kids need more than just irregular fun visitors.
Finally home and evaluating my injuries after a good shower, I think I’ll be ok. Though as I’m writing this two days later I’m contemplating a checkup at the hospital. I think if I do have a cracked rib though there’s nothing that can be done.
Saturday night I woke up to more cat-sick sounds and a quiet Sunday saw me washing my doona and hoping that at least one of them would be dry by evening.
This week at school is Sports Day (Sports Four Days!) so no classes til Friday and I’m guessing lots of kids will skip that day too. I’ll just have to walk around a couple of events each morning before heading off for coffee and home. Sabai Sabai!
My old student Baitoey contacted me as she heard that I took Boss to the hospital on Friday and she wants to do the same, so I will help her this week too. I’m a little worried that I may get some flack for helping these kids but feel duty-bound to offer help in any way I can. The more kids I speak to, the more I see that they need emotional support. Some can manage themselves but others are really struggling and when they say they don’t want to live anymore then I have to do something.
That’s the end of this book but surely not the end of the story.
Sitting at a desk struggling with pen The whispers sadden the heart Quietly goes the evening time As walls all around rip apart
No muse did visit this night And the pen resheathed in place But sleep offered little respite Nor the purring kitten’s embrace
All disappear in the morning glow Both good and bad, hard reset Return to the stool and empty paper Where no thoughts have emerged yet
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and needed.
Today I’m grateful for:
Everything! Can I be grateful for everything? New pens, the chemist that sold me medication, the check out lady that helped repack my bag and I joked with her saying thank you for doing it properly cos I’m just a boy, the nemo CDs Yukari sent me and I blasted today, my phone, the camera, each one of my lovely students and each one of the not so lovely students and even the students I don’t know that just randomly talk with me and this and that and everything!
The best thing about today was:
Switching to my teacher’s Facebook account and finding a three-day-old message from Boss saying that he has been feeling down and wants medical help. I urgently messaged him back and thankfully he was ok. I met him at lunch time and we discussed, via lots of Google translate, getting him to the hospital on Friday morning. We talked for about thirty minutes and he was tearing up at the end and as we were about to leave he held out his arms for a hug and I felt sad for him as he obviously doesn’t get any attention or affection from his father and he appreciates the help I’m giving him.
This all came after last night when I had sent a message to Mee asking if she was ok because she had felt sick and feverish in my class. She wrote back saying that she really appreciated my message because no one else had asked her how she was. We then got talking and she mentioned she is taking antidepressants which I found unusual as she’s only 12 or 13.
But that is the age that I started to feel depressed for no good reason and it was another 17 years before I was diagnosed so I think it’s ok that it is recognised earlier now though also cautious that it’s not just a quick fix offered by doctors.
Anyway, when I saw her again today she ran up to me and gave me a hug, along with Yok and Pet. They are not great students but I’m aware they have other, bigger things going on in their lives that have an effect. They are still great kids.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Anything out of my control was handled with calm and a smile. Really there wasn’t anything except the usual issues with slack students. It’s so regular that I don’t get upset about it specifically and handle it by contacting the headteacher who can deal with it as they please.
Something I learned today?
I’ve been checking dates and information on Treworgey Tree Fayre in 1989 and found a short BBC video about English festivals. I don’t remember seeing it before but I must have at the time, the violence meted out by the police (in the Battle of the Beanfield) on the peace convoy in 1985 was vicious and appalling. It made me angry all over again. I guess this was something I relearned today.
Write about your siblings…
Well, this is a simple one. I don’t have any. I can remember when I was in Whitehaven, aged between 4 and 8, I would tell my mum that I wanted a sibling. I knew Mum had a boyfriend and I liked him. It couldn’t be that difficult could it! It wasn’t until years later I found out that he didn’t treat her so well and that is probably one of the reasons we moved away.
I took this picture because I forced myself to go outside and find something to take a picture of. Cap followed me out and so yes, it’s another cat pic but look at him. Still a lovely old man.
When Frank died his soul flew up high And ended up in a powerful war machine He screamed ‘ANNIHILATE’ but didn’t know why But then it turned out it was all just a dream
Inspired by Armoured Gideon, 2000AD
It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are all full of the truthless ideal which has been instilled into them, and each time they come into contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded.
W. Somerset Maugham
Today I’m feeling: Happy and satisfied. Today I’m grateful for: The front wheel of my motorbike. It took some hard knocks on some tough roads today and I was worried I would have to limp down the mountain with a flat tyre but it held up and got me home. The best thing about today was: Riding around new mountains and discovering some beautiful villages and amazing scenery. It was blissful.
What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life? For 24 years now I’ve been taking sertraline and that has made an incredible difference to my life, keeping me stable and less prone to depression. I still have bad moments but in general, I am much happier than a was in my first 30 years. Brushing my teeth. Sad to say that I didn’t look after my teeth well for my first 20 years or so. They are just hanging on since starting to care about them more. Making my bed. A small habit I only acted on since moving to Thailand. I actually don’t care if my bed is made or not but I do it so as to include it in a series of morning habits and to feel, no matter how minor, to have achieved something already, right at the beginning of the day. Exercise….if I do it every day it will definitely improve my quality of life. Now I just have to do it every day!
I took this picture because Bruno and I met these kids after a long muddy ride and they were so happy and inquisitive to see two muddy white men in their mountain school at the end of the road.
We didn’t know it before Why the dark clouds came You just had to get on with it With only yourself to blame
Then someone turns on the light And it all starts to make sense So begins the slow process To down the shields of defence
Inspired by reading Mick Wall’s Black Sabbath biography and Geezer Butler growing up with undiagnosed depression, much like myself. 9th Nov 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – sabbath
The feeling of having no power over people and events is generally unbearable to us.
Robert Greene
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that Kim was waiting in the bookshelf this morning as I couldn’t find her last night to put her in her room.
There’s no problem between us I’d never tell you you have to stay We are always together at heart Even after you’ve gone away
Our dreams are sometimes different And other times they are the same We push each other to realise them Cos our love will always remain
With the latest technology We are merely a whisper apart It may be a while ’til we meet again But you always remain in my heart
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for Google Translate. It can help make the parents aware of their children’s work and to push them to complete it.
On Friday afternoon, I started to enjoy a grim feeling. Lethargic, sour thoughts, dizziness. I got home and vegitated with some Netflix but I couldn’t enjoy it.
I woke up feeling good on Saturday but soon this sad feeling appeared again. I was very aware of it. Anything I watched or read compounded it; nothing was contributing anything good to the world.
I slept a little and in the evening read a load of comics and a little bit of Rollins ‘Stay Fanatic’. I thought that perhaps I should understand clearly what Rollins was saying about the power of music and he hides himself in the melodies and nuance of those sounds. Perhaps I should’ve tried the same.
Today, I’m feeling ok again and intend to indulge myself in some music – just listening, nothing else. Something familiar.
I’ve recently been adverse to going to my man cave. Something about it displeases me and I can’t quite figure out what. Could be time for a rearrangement. I want a comfy armchair to relax on. I rarely see comfy armchairs in Thailand.
I am so happy and grateful for our mask supply so we can change them often and try to stay safe.
It felt like a busy weekend but I notice a calmness within me these days. Before, I felt like I have to do this and do that and get it done. I still have things to do but I have a confidence that they will get done and don’t feel any stress to get them out of the way.
Perhaps I know about all the things I have lined up in the future – things that may keep me occupied for another lifetime or two. Yes, I want to start fiddling around with music again – it will happen when the time is right.
Perhaps this pandemic has taught me to slow down a little. Without it, I’m sure I would be busy organising new things to be involved in. A situation such as this is not so bad timing for me. I did a lot and achieved many things up until the pandemic. It’s easy for me to sit back and relax a bit.
I hope that others come out the other side with renewed energy and can pick up where things were in their lives and the state of their societies.
I had a long talk with Oh’s girlfriend Namtan on Friday. She struggles with anxiety and depression, so I told her my story. Something I said hit me quite unexpectedly.
I said that Amy was lucky that the chemicals in her brain were capable of making her positive most of the time. I said to Namtan that we are not like that – we are always questioning things and searching for meaning. It’s just the way we are. And I have accepted that. It’s not an option anymore to try to be something you’re not.
I’ve known this all along but without resolution until recently. Namtan is 28. I told her not to give up. Every day is a struggle but we are capable of digging ourselves out of the mental holes we created until now.
It was nice to be able to offer advice, though I think perhaps I overwhelmed her with too much information.
We talked a lot about books too. She’s a librarian and an avid reader. I think that’s a good start to get on the right track.
I had some stomach bug for most of the weekend and lost a kilogram in weight. Somehow, I managed to push through the abs routine each morning, though. I can see a definite change in my belly fat. I’m actually starting to like the way I look again.
Snuffle in the undergrowth There’s something living there Scratching at an itchy head And sniffing at the air Sad dog sat contemplating Where has the feeder gone? Time to sleep in the road Til the next car comes along
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my new pillow. This one seems to be helping with my sore neck. I’m hoping it can help get rid of the pain altogether.
12th July 2023 – We have a stack of pillows in our house now as we are constantly seeking relief for sore necks. I believe I may have finally come to the realisation that it is not the pillow that is the problem but my lack of movement and exercise throughout the day. Some pillows are undoubtedly better than others but my neck pain has dissipated much more since exercising and stretching it more often.
I was just reminded about depression (reading about someone’s experience) and realise I haven’t had any dark thoughts, or dark days, I should say, for a long time. At least, it feels that way. I guess I do have dark thoughts but they are let go without breeding further. A little bit of exercise, medicine, less alcohol, a combination of all. I feel more comfortable in this world at the moment, conscious of how time passes by so quickly.
Yesterday, I took a quick afternoon ride and discovered yet more hidden hills and valleys close to home. It was a beautiful day. Hot but cooling, as I was exploring randomly. Many dead ends, stuck in pineapple fields. Going up a hill track that I hoped I wouldn’t have to come back down, then, without option, careening back down. Covered in mud and scratches from thorny plants.
Returned home to find the gardeners finishing up, took a shower and enjoyed our house, renewed again with trimming back of the jungle.
On Tuesday, Amy and I talked with a bunch of students at Berm and Hangie’s new cafe and Amy got fired up, thinking, ‘we could be doing this at our own place and helping the students with their English. It’s good to see her thinking about this option again.
