The Poems of a Ridiculous Man – 7th August 2021

So here’s the last of my Dostoevsky cool quotes for now, this time from the fantastic The Dream of a Ridiculous Man. Despite being quite dark and moody I feel like my poems came out a little more on the positive side – perhaps a reflection on how I was feeling when I wrote the poems compared with when I was inspired by the quotes as I was reading the story.

Acknowledgement to Husker Du and Rob Crow/Heavy Vegetable for some relevant phrases and ideas and, as before, the poems borrow heavily from the text.

Searching for a picture for this post also lead me to finding this hand painted animation of the story.

Ah, it’s so hard to be the only one to know the truth! But they won’t understand it. No, they won’t.

No Truth

Only I know the truth
They sure won’t understand
I carry this burden
It is just as I planned
Truth is in the saying
The truth will set you free
But I will never share
The truth is just for me

Maybe it was the result of the conviction that dawned upon me quite independently of my will that nothing made any difference in this world.

Conviction

I tried and tried and tried and tried
To make a difference before I died
Close to the end a sudden dawning
Independently and without warning
Your time is pointless, meaning, none
A pinprick in millions more to come
So make the best and start believing
Despite the sentence we’re all receiving

…eternally dear to the hearts of her most ungrateful children.

Realm

This earthly realm
Where it all starts
Never ending, eternally
Dear to the hearts
….of her most ungrateful children

We can truly love only with suffering and through suffering. We don’t know how to love otherwise; we don’t know any other love. I want to suffer so that I may love.

Love and Suffering

I wanted it all, wanted it so badly
Staring out of misted windows like a fool
To love this love is to suffer it gladly
Our twisted hearts make us look so cruel
This love, true love, it knows no other way
Crushed and broken hearts not spoken thereof
Life lived without it, not for another day
I must, I want to suffer so that I may love

My hatred for the people of our earth had always contained a feeling of despair – why couldn’t I hate them without loving them?

World of Masochism

My hatred for the people of our earth
Has always contained a feeling of despair
Why couldn’t I hate them without loving them?
Why did I have to care?
Some days I’m just in KEN Mode
A rage of pure hate and seething
Other days I wish for utopia
A paradise full of our dreaming
Which way will it go today?
Which side of the bed did I wake?
Every thought is masochism
No matter which path I take

They grew to appreciate the beauty of untruth…the germ of the lie penetrated their hearts, and they took a fancy to it.

A Good Lie

Sometimes a lie is like a lover
A beauty to be believed
The untruth penetrates the heart
Willingly deceived

…they experienced suffering, and came to love it; they declared that suffering was the only way to Truth. Then science spread among them.

To Suffer

He felt he’d suffered enough
So the Buddhist jumped from the roof
Science says ‘he’s dead’
He thought it the way to truth

Each became so jealous of his individuality that he had to do his best to belittle and humble the individuality of others….

Tall Poppy

You’ve reached the greatest height
Like it’s some crowning achievement
Society brings you down to earth
Where everyone is in agreement

Voluntary slavery in which the weak submitted to the strong of their own free will, if only in order to gain their support to oppress those who were even weaker than themselves.

Shit Trickles Down

Submit to the strong by your own free will
Eat the shit until you’ve had your fill
So you may enslave those below you
Pass on the shit your master throw you
The human centipede, a fitting analogy
A voluntary agreement to this economy
A vicious circle made of 7 billion pieces
The pyramid scheme of human faeces

We’re striving for the same things; we’re all, from the sage to the worst criminal, making our way toward the same objective. Only we’re trying to get there by different roads.

Different Roads

You take the high, I’ll take the low
It’s the same whichever way you go
You take the low, I’ll take the high
Arriving together, just in time to die

Let’s say paradise will never come about! I know myself it won’t – yet I’ll still go on preaching.

Right Turn

Never stop believing
Counter negative traits
Never stop the search
Paradise awaits
It will never come
In your lifetime’s fight
You know what is right
Be doing what is right

Afterword:

Man’s desires are not reasonable and often make him act against his own interest and common sense, but they are what makes him human.

Contradictions

I am respectable, yet not reasonable
My flaws are the things that make me
My desires maybe contradictions
This human interest will not break me

Why don’t you do something, at least get out of our way – 6th June 2020

Tiananmen – America burns – irony, oh the ironing – where did that phrase come from?

Core is useless – short plank – five reverse situps and 16 bike, at least I know it’s something I can improve.

Smoky air today despite lots of rain, coughing phlegm – neck sore from sleep – would like my neck to be free from pain – been a problem for so many years now. Look up neck exercises.

Still Heavy Vegetable* on the iMind player. Foot massage yesterday, good but ineffective – need every day! I can’t breathe anymore – I can’t see through these lenses.*

Fat Tigger purring in my arms – still eager to get down. No lap cats in my life. Maya and Inca.

Little garden changes – making a home.

Okay – some weights. Slowly, slowly changing body.

*was actually Thingy’s Ketchup Sandwich

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to discover so many things that I enjoy. They keep my brain satisfied.

I’ve got to get some pretty pictures in my mind – 29th May 2020

Count on the insane to save the souls of the suckers.

Nuclear nightmares last night at Chatswood apartment – safe but the outside world changed – coronavirus allegory? Kimchee trapped in an escalator – she turned up in the morning safe and sound. Why those dreams?

Eat more, exercise more – no energy, weight is okay but need to toughen up my body. Thinking, I think too much and haven’t turned thoughts into actions. Stay positive – look at everything positive – listen better – compliment, help others. Life is easy so take time for others. You can do it.

What else you got in your head this morning? Creaky little froggy under the fan, foot aching old man. Take what you want from others’ speech. They may be right, they may be wrong. Do you need to say the words? If not then don’t say them. This is your life now so do the best with it – it’s easy.

Pink, the colour – not the person. I really don’t know modern popular music – I think it’s funny. Is it calming your mind? I freeze my thoughts writing this but if I sit to meditate, thoughts come on back. Today, yesterday. Seeking clarity. Couldn’t do long meditation yesterday – got too itchy and antsy. Keep going. Keep trying. The benefits are what I’m looking for – fat sticky stomach. Breathe. Big yawn – fun day ahead and weekend after that. Gratitude and project good wishes.

Okay, rest your weakened wrists now. Got coffee cups to hold.

Gratitude Journal

I am happy and grateful for my newly found patience with things at the school. Things can be so dynamic here that they can change with every person you meet. I have been able to deal with this well so far this semester.

Oh no, it’s starting again and time will bend – 28th May 2020

image: making videos for students working from home

Sat at my desk in amongst the clutter to make it easier on my back and wrists. Reminds me of an old online friend who had a blog called ‘atmydesk’ – I think her name was Sara – some connection with Nomeansno – was thinking about my tattoo this morning for some reason or was it a dream “of a 6-foot woman”– listening to Heavy Vegetable and things on the weekend but now I wake up with the songs in my head. I’m bad at writing quickly these days and arm is sore from pen holding. Sweating on the clutter just a fan today no Aircon temp is perfect just sweat when moving. Neck is creaking after the very short workout – just warmup really but got my body out of slumber neck is really bad these days “6-foot woman” is stuck now. Amy rearranged plants around the house Tigger rolling around in the grass last night – all the cats seem really chilled these days – makes me so happy. Is my mind already empty? Just replaced with Rob Crow’s music. Don’t remember any dream – slept well – want to sleep more but energised now after warmup workout – don’t push it doesn’t matter – don’t stress about George telling you the best way to do something – it’s just his advice on his experience – it’s not a judgement on you and you can do it the way that you want. Going to offer more help to teachers today. Do they like me? Are they scared of me? Am I not approachable? If I’m thinking about it then – even if I am not these things I can still do something to be more those things right? Put thinking cap on today for video. Gonna be another good day today – just you see.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the cooler weather this morning. I felt more relaxed and happy.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #38 – 16th May 2020

Music from Curse Ov Dialect and Kaigen, Social Distortion, Bannlyst, The Fall, Unknown, Sun City Girls, The Misunderstood, The Crime, Rancid, Eddy Current Suppression Ring, The Slaves, Billy Childish and Dan Melchior, Itch, My Dad is Dead, Heavy Vegetable, Refused and The Rattles.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that the men came today to look at our roof which blew away a couple of weeks ago. Hopefully, they can fix it. I don’t envy them, having to work on the roof in the blazing sun today.