Looking back on my life, as this blog keeps reminding me (am I punishing myself?), has shown me that we are not what we were and makes me wonder if we ever are who we are! This write was inspired by the line ‘merely witnessing time’ in the poem ‘unwound’ by Ken Gierke.
Was that me, the champion of the lunchtime, school-yard football team?
My Joseph and Becky’s Mary; And was that me, besotted with her sister and stealing her pyjamas?
A shy and nervous singer, in front of friends; marching on London to protest Cruise and to Stop The City; was that really me?
Proving myself, working and sweating hard in warehouses; eating everything in sight and never full.
Was that me?
That ran away to another country, got married, divorced and had a baby in between;
I changed nappies, boiled broccoli and lost myself there somewhere;
Was that me?
Despondent and desperate (oh yes!); drunk all the time and wandering Beijing on a whim.
Me? Married again, via Tokyo this time, revelling in an incomprehensible culture until it became impossible.
And was it even me who married a third time finally finding ‘the one’ (myself)?
Remembering the beginning like it might never have happened.
Was it me or a TV show, a fever dream? I am the only witness, but my memory is uncertain that I was even there.
Please gather together, all my ghosts, and let’s go over this again.
Shared with Reena’s Xploration Challenge #380 for the prompt ‘Who will read my diary?” I read through other people’s writing for the prompt and considered all the further questions raised from this initial one. It led to a more stream-of-consciousness write this time, perhaps because my own thoughts are not so clear yet. Who will even read this explanation?
Who will read my diary? I don’t know.
If you were deeply inquisitive… I could be in trouble! Because I told it all…
(mostly, one or two things remain too shameful, even for me)
My words likely to upset as I recall random thoughts from thirty years ago.
How could a reader put it all into context without reading from the beginning?
I’ve been good
(again, mostly)
for the last decade or two.
Thanks for the statute of limitations in the few different countries I’ve lived!
(I only stole from corporations anyway; and I haven’t written that story yet, but I will)
If you chose to take the time to read through it all you would only see yourself and hopefully you already know what you are all about…
If I wished anyone to read my diary it would be the children, to inspire them to keep going and never give up.
Listening (Homage to Grandfather series) by Daphne Odjig
My heart still speaks kindness after everything my eyes have witnessed, echo this compassion to your generation.
Your blood is in my blood, this same blood lived in the rivers of your ancestors’ hearts. “Grandson remain strong, this life is just a dream.”
Gianni Crow
Grandfather, I will try, yet I can’t help wanting to wake up from this dream, my angry blood washing the coasts.
Shall I pull a kindness spirit from my skin, to kindle a flame for our family to share, after everything my eyes have witnessed?
Grandfather guide me, with the compassion shared through our generations, the pull of the river drags at my feet.
Shall I sheaf the knife of revenge, the blood spilt, a burden for my own family, to break this cycle that is second nature?
Grandfather, with great strength I have listened to the tales too terrible and whispered around the fire of too many ghosts.
Shall I calm the fires of desire, douse the light, whilst holding on to the flames of culture, to consider these words for my children?
Grandfather, now I understand the dream as I beheld the eyes of my grandchildren, newborn at night and the eyes of the celestials looked back
I shall commune with The Great Fisher when summer is born again and pass on your compassion “Grandson remain strong, this life is just a dream.”
I’m mixing Native American ideas in this poem, and I probably show a lack of understanding of different myths and stories. I was initially pulled in by the quoted lines of Gianni Crow.
Then, looking through different myths, I found the story of the titular Great Fisher – Gotchi Odjig and then, looking for related art to accompany this piece, discovered Daphne Odjig’s fascinating work. The attached piece is suitably titled ‘Listening (Homage to Grandfather series)’. Daphne Odjig’s prints are available here at the Bearclaw Gallery.
Pretty healthy after a cold morning exercise of the legs. I feel a little bit of a sore throat, though and hope I don’t catch whatever Amy has had, which she is still coughing from.
(Later) Maybe I spoke too soon, as my throat is feeling worse and I’m a little dizzy again. I left school early as none of my students showed up in the afternoon and I got some medicine.
The angry driver from yesterday posted a story online and also contacted mum, as the car is registered in her name. I’m not sure what they want?
(Later) We checked the dashcam at Dad’s and though everyone was tense when they watched the video, they couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Just a crazy driver trying to make me crash.
Not sure what will happen next. Either way, I’ll take everyone’s advice to drive more carefully because there are some crazy hillbillies out there.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
Nene who carried my jacket around for three hours after I left it in class and rushed off to the dentist. I gave her some candy in thanks.
The best thing about today was:
Banoffee at 22 Grams, along with their awesome coffee. The banoffee had the right balance of flavours.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My second class was suddenly cancelled and I didn’t want to hang around until 4.30 just to sign out. I took it as a message that I should go home early.
Something I learned today?
I need to be more careful when checking the AI work that gives me quizzes for the students. The class today were not capable of the level of some of the questions. I need to check them more accurately before class starts.
Just like I tell the kids that it’s ok to use AI but that you have to understand what it is telling you.
There were many that day Was it day? Is it night now? Here, it’s not possible to tell Time has lost all its meaning
We lined up waiting for the interview It has been a long wait But I will review all that came to pass It was obvious, even as I said it It took me a long time to figure it out The master told me that messages were sent But I had been slow to realise
Later, we all gathered round And I wasn’t the only one Most of us facing the review agreed That we all took too long to realise Then we returned to the silo Perhaps one day, we can try again
A time-disoriented play on a life’s review in The Matrix or Heaven.
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good again, though sadly, I was a little achy again this morning. Never mind, I’m still feeling relaxed and positive. Only a couple of classes today, one tomorrow and then that’s the week done for teaching! What a crazy school!
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru David for inviting me to get involved in a little project idea he has to sell a maths board game. It could be a money maker but for me, I feel that I can’t invest my time in this, especially as it requires effort in marketing it, which I absolutely detest.
The best thing about today was:
Being able to get back to writing poetry with a 3-hour break between classes today and working hard on two pieces. It’s now, when I realise that a lot of my time and effort is going into that writing, as I’m not just churning out the ideas anymore but trying to improve my work.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The sports boys in my grade 12 class were late to arrive this morning and what I was teaching was far above their capabilities, so I let them be, whilst trying to interact with them whenever I could.
I’m not going to be able to gift those boys with much knowledge beyond convincing them that they should at least give everything a shot.
Something I learned today?
Baby owls often sleep face down because their heads are too heavy.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
I good humouredly let Earn know not to talk to me in a rude way, even if it was just for fun. We were both laughing about it, but she understood what I wanted to convey.
One of my students sent me this today, along with some funny, cheeky comments.
So tired this morning as I didn’t sleep well. Being back together in the cool aircon of our bedroom proper was nice and saw us off to sleep nicely with Cap joining us but, Cap being Cap, he wanted to go in and out a couple of times during the night which meant me opening and closing the door for him. The last time it was almost light so I left the door ajar for him but Tigger also came in and Amy woke up to find him peeing on her bed. First day back and already these cats treat our fresh-smelling beds as their toilets.
Of course, I got into trouble (with Amy) for leaving the door open. I delayed my alarm to allow an extra 15 minutes of tossing and turning and I would dearly love to be back in bed sleeping more right now.
Today I’m grateful for:
The cafe next door to school changed its policy for every tenth coffee free, getting rid of it completely. I cried that I only had two more to go and then said, how about today for free? To which they agreed and I went away happy. As usual, the taste of their coffee is awful but it has a hell of a caffeine hit.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that there is some event tomorrow morning and it’s optional whether to teach or not. I will definitely not teach the first class and not sure about the second one yet. I’ll see how I and they feel tomorrow morning.
I ended up chatting to one of the students who said they thought that they would have to do some tasks which will take all morning so, what the hell? I doubt if it will take that long but I know they would prefer whatever it is they will be doing over sitting in a classroom anyway.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Many things out of my control today but I’m getting better at just going with it and not getting stressed about things. I can definitely feel that this has changed for me over the last couple of years.
Something I learned today?
I did 5 minutes research into overcoming sensitivity after being bullied and read that CBT is a suggested therapy to help. I will offer some advice and information to the student whom I talked with yesterday evening.
I took no pictures because my brain couldn’t expand enough into the spaces to find something interesting to take a picture of despite interesting things occurring around me. Now is the struggle to find interest in the minutiae, in the minor, in the greys and browns.
Why is this time dead? A month to end the year When will the winter wane And snowfalls start to clear?
Eternal hope for spring Give us one more go Young buds march on pretty Running beyond the slow
Why is December dying And January a start? Run no more towards the sun Temper your beating heart
Darkness must fall before we are aware of the majesty of the stars above our heads.
Stefan Zweig
Today I’m feeling: Tired, dizzy but in an ok mood. Today I’m grateful for: Amy’s friends to take her up to Doi Chang overnight for a drunken adventure. The best thing about today was: Finding an interesting youtube channel of a Chinese girl travelling from Europe to China. It’s nice to see this kind of video from a non-western perspective. Another thing was my old student Baitoey sending me a recording of her playing an online kalimba. She played Happy Birthday and wanted me to hear it. That was very nice of her and I appreciated it. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I wasn’t sure when Amy would be coming down from the mountain. She called at 10 am and it seemed like it would be early afternoon but it turned out to be around 6pm and by that time she was drunk already and we had to get through some shopping at Makro. She was in a good happy mood and I just let her be herself and everything was groovy. Something I learned today? From watching the youtube mentioned above I got a quick tour around the small Chinese city of Guangde in Anhui and it made me want to go there. Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind. The tune to We Three Kings as I was just playing it on guitar. It didn’t sound terrible!
I took this picture because this is the view from my afternoon position at Utopia because it’s busier than the morning and my usual table isn’t available. For afternoon coffee I drink a Dirty, a creamy milk with a shot on top, with chocolate shavings.
It’s all you have, there’s nothing else All you held are old dusty dreams It’s the time you are alive, this one thing The only possession that is what it seems
Every moment wasted on the dramas of others subtracts from your strength.
Robert Greene
Today I’m feeling: Happy and carefree despite still having to organise things for my students for tomorrow’s classes. Today I’m grateful for: The rental car company and for being able to drive around Phuket at leisure and without worry. The best thing about today was: Today has been steadily great. Right now we’re in the Hilton restaurant at the beach with free-flow alcohol. Good for Amy! This morning we had delicious brunch at another beach, along with Aing, after dropping Fern and Harper at the airport. Everything went super smoothly timing-wise and Amy and I drove back by the scenic beaches route with a quick circuit of Patong just as a reminder of being there 10 years ago. The lovely hotel we stayed at that time has been abandoned since, probably due to the pandemic, but there were lots of new ones and many foreign tourists around as expected. After dropping Amy back at Pim’s I went off book shopping and picked up one book I was looking for and another three by Studs Turkel, who I’ve never heard of, but was fascinated by the name and an approval from Kurt Vonnegot on the back cover of one. Awesome, even with the heavy rain. Something I learned today? According to surveys, Chiang Rai is the drunkest province in Thailand. Not sure how this was measured and it must be pretty serious as everywhere in Thailand loves a drink. What are some of the challenges you face? My biggest challenges at the moment probably revolve around health. I need to lose a little weight again and build up some stamina but seem to be suffering a little from what may be long covid. I get breathless and exhausted easily. I have aching hips and a painful neck, weak arms with painful elbows. I should focus a little bit of extra effort on maintenance in the next few months.
I took this picture because it was good timing for us to be dropping Fern to the airport near where Aing lives and Aing has a day off today so we could treat her to lunch. The food was great and the beach was good too.
Hello friend, I’m just passing through But I’m grateful that I got to know you Thick as thieves, inseparable brothers One and the same in the eyes of others So friend, we never got to say farewell Something happened, neither of us could tell We didn’t mean to but life pulls in different ways Memories remain the only thing that stays
There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.
F.D. Roosevelt
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for this holiday I’m on – I’m loving it. The fact that I’m OK with holidays or work makes everything I do interesting and I know I’m adaptable to enjoy any situation.
1994ever 