“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
This week there’s music from Captain Sensible, Circle, Subway Sect, Oasis, The Fugs, Guru Guru, Roadside Monument, XTC, POX, Idylls and Spanish Dogs.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have a good coffee shop close by where I can sit and watch the rain.
Looking forward to a good day today. Coriky on jukebox – don’t know song title.
Fun dream last night. Met Cake – she is still cool. Wonder when I’ll see her again. Muslim food – Yum.
Amy happy – friends moving near here – excellent news. Update Coach app – new habits – feel myself improving. Watched Sydney Swans game last night but that wasn’t fun.
Dodgy knee maybe okay now?! Realise last night that it’s not hurting anymore. Fix my toe next?! Hope. Bubble of hope. Rubber bubble of hope! Someone fix my neck forever! But don’t kill me I don’t want to die yet. Gonna happen any time. History – doomed to repeat it. Humans innit?
De Lanna by the river – enjoy your thoughts flowing by.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I spent time to put up our decorative lights last night. It was fun and they look cool.
To-do list
Now it’s Monday evening. The weekend was a little bit of everything and I was either lazy or too busy to write here but I’ve been feeling fine, getting things done and keeping my head straight. I didn’t get enough sleep last night though – it was Amy’s 41st birthday – dinner with her, her grandmum, mum and dad – and drama.
Anyway, I need to sleep so will come back and write more tomorrow, along with an updated checklist.
Our final day of freedom before students return to school tomorrow. The last two days have been lazy, hot and humid with nice bright sunshine. Though as I’m writing another storm has blown in from the mountains. It’s lovely to cool down but damn, that rain is cold and the air is still warm.
Feeling good again today doing bits and pieces for my blog, a little bit of video editing and drinking coffee. I cannot complain about my life situation currently. I’m happy to be healthy and able to enjoy it. I’ll try to maintain it.
Quick one because want to do longer meditation. Woke up at 4:30 – hard to sleep. Tired now. Rub my stomach – left-hand side tender. Happy.
Hayden wants a face tattoo. Why? Will further isolate himself. Hope he doesn’t do that. Ugh.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have the opportunity to sit and enjoy conversations with people I like.
To-do list
I enjoyed today though have been worrying about Hayden a little as he was talking about getting a face tattoo! Now, in theory, I have no objection to this but I think he cannot reasonably justify doing such a thing. Of course, he tried to justify it but it’s not reasonable. He is low in confidence and self-esteem and wants to push everything away from him.
It’s one thing to say that people shouldn’t judge you by your looks and if they do then they’re not worth knowing – but that is also a judgement back on those people. It would immediately cut off so many future possibilities.
I felt good again and had fun with the student teachers making a small video and planned for some more audio recording tomorrow. It was an entertaining and happy day.
Slept for more than a day – day off school – sleep sleep sleep. Last night – couldn’t sleep. Now tired but have to get things sorted for visa.
Also now have work to do at school – feels much better. George goes overboard in happiness sometimes – it feels like he’s not sincere but that is he is doing it on purpose to make himself and everyone else happy – so what’s wrong with that? I guess it’s the lack of sincerity but so what? Maybe he’s doing it just to show me that this reaction is the best way. Actually, during the time I felt this from George, I didn’t really feel negative about the request (of having to do work) from school anyway. Even the lack of clarity didn’t bother me too much, though I did start to feel annoyed with the lack of communication due to the language barrier – re: they couldn’t accurately explain what it was they wanted. But anyway – I think we got there in the end and I got to work which was good
G.I. – Beyond/Public Stage – hard to turn off my mental jukebox. Cool, refreshing temperature this morning. Starting to get humid now – creatures creating noise in our garden – what is it? Investigate.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I am well-organised and can get everything done that needs to be done.
To-do list
Pretty good day today. Lots of running around to get everything for my visa application – which it turned out that I couldn’t do because my money hasn’t been in the bank for two months yet. Have to go back next week. I joked before about how many times I will have to go back. Should all be good next time though.
I enjoyed putting together some video and audio for our future lessons and got some good ideas for role plays and hope that tomorrow we can do a little filming in the canteen read for an idea I have. I can plan some of those other ideas during the day too. I’m keen to put a bit more effort into these videos this time, especially as we don’t really need to teach.
Feeling good and reasonably confident at the moment. Double meds, no alcohol, no painkillers. Still have a headache though.
I am so happy and grateful that we have some work to do at school this week. It will fill the time.
I am so happy and grateful that I can take a day off work when I feel sick. Slept so much and still feel tired.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the football in Australia from here in Thailand. It’s a nice feeling when your team does well.
To-do list
Damn, something happened to me on Sunday. I went to visit Matt and he showed me all his cool modular gadgets which was pretty interesting. After a couple of hours though I suddenly felt like I’d had enough and left quite abruptly. I didn’t really understand it – it seemed like it was time to go.
I got home and felt ok but perhaps a little odd. Amy came home and we got into a ridiculous argument over nothing so I went to lie down and breathe away the emotions. Then suddenly I felt super tired so took a shower and went to bed. This was at about 6 pm.
Apart from waking up at different times for about 3 hours total I slept through until Tuesday morning! I just felt completely exhausted and had a headache and wondering if I still have some residual pain from the work on my tooth (headache is on that side). I can also imagine this made me cranky on Sunday too.
Needless to say, I didn’t get much of anything done during this time. Now I’m having to run around to prepare things for my visa. Our annual fun week!
This week there’s music from Outside In, Deerhoof, PFM, The Small Faces, This Heat, Debile Menthol, Quizz Kidz, Magma, MC5, Lightning Bolt, The Vibrators, Unsane and The Shades.
Brain Dump
Fed cats but forgot to check KimChi didn’t eat Cap’s food. Cap’s so lovely – follows Amy everywhere. So fluffy and gentle. Kim teases him all the time and Tigger seems to hate him! Which cat am I? Tigger the hater – Kim the teaser – Cap the gentle. Which do I want to be. Of course. Be like Cap.
Half Man Half Biscuit on mental jukebox. On the ‘roids. Five-minute workout. Feels good but not yet inspiring enough to do a 10 or 20-minute workout. Don’t need to push it anyway.
I read – can I act on it? Practical things yes, but mental things? The result of performing practical things will bring me towards the mental things. I will spend my whole life doing this.
Ache in shoulder. Cateran. *
Time to watch a movie today? So many great movies. Sometimes feel like I don’t have time or concentration to watch movies anymore but that’s not really true. Painkillers or not today? Aching eye – tired from screens probably. Do eye exercises?
*reference to The Cateran song Ache from the album of the same name. I believe the line sung is ‘ache in clover’.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for getting out of bed with my alarm this morning and doing my morning routine when I could have ignored it completely. I feel good for it.
To-do list
Easy day but went too fast. I pushed myself to wake up and get up this morning and did about 90% of my usual routine.
Went for coffee, watched the Swans game, went to Big C for lunch and shopping. Feel pretty good today.
Reading some old diary entries from 1994 seems to show me that I understood many of the things I’m going through now back then. Feels like even after all that time I still didn’t learn from it. I’m not beating myself up over it – just noticing. I need to stop thinking and reading and start doing.
I am so happy and grateful that I pushed myself for a few extra minutes this morning, forcing myself out of bed, doing some more stretches and exercise.
Brain dump
Not sure of the date – losing time! Sebadoh today. Soul and Fire.
Woke up in my dream – it was an interesting dream. I was visiting a psychiatrist and had been waiting with tons of other people for ages – was drinking terrible coffee – psych laughed with me about how bad it was.
Sat down with her eventually, felt safe and secure. She started talking about people in my past and bad things that have happened to them despite them being rich and happy (ambitious). They had tried to cheat and got caught. I told that I heard about it even though I was very far removed from these events. I felt happy that they had been caught – somehow, that they had been brought down to my level.
When I woke up I wondered why I thought like that. And why I needed to say anything. I didn’t really need to say or think about these people at all but I somehow keep comparing myself to others. I need to value my own self.
I was also disappointed I woke up before I got to tell the psych whatever it was I was feeling. Maybe my subconscious wanted me to wake up before I could get the advice because it knows I already have the advice in my head. I just need to remember and use it already.
Memories about a Chinese girl in the MacQuarrie Uni class – I’d liked her but acted so dumb and stupid. I got upset with her because she acted cold to me but still said nice things. I didn’t understand this at the time.
To-do list
Back to another quiet day – only another week or so to go until students come back. It will be a little strange to get back to (semi) normal.
I read a lot of Promised Neverland today – really enjoying its philosophical outlook with an odd creepy dystopian story.
I felt good and positive with myself all day. I had enough energy to record another TCRAH and enjoy it. I had more to write but much of it has gone out of my mind now!
The mountains at the back of our house run in valleys, sometimes into the distance or in parallel ridges. In this picture, a valley running off towards the west, and its surrounding mountains were bathed in sunshine, the bright greens bouncing into the sky.
Scanning to the left, the air turns thicker and a battle is brewing for territorial dominance. The clouds are too heavy to keep their water and it drops onto the leafy jungle, turning into wisps of mist. Dark rolls around the skies, dragging the clouds down from above, stirring a big soup with deep rumbles and sudden flashes.
This one will deliver.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be surrounded by caring people that can help need realise my potential.
Brain dump
Drain pipe fell out – who will fix? I can try but I think needs glue – we don’t have.
Social Distortion on mental jukebox for no reason other than it matched my rhythm of lifting weights. What else can I get out of my head this morning? Noisy frogs – but none outside our entertainment area now – have snakes gone – maybe?
Sore butt sitting here yesterday for too long – back – a little ache lower left – arm feel well used.
Now! Now! Now! Not the before, not five minutes – breakfast, school, videos – but now?! Surrounded by things I love – even snakes and frogs. Beautiful grey sky! Rain rain rain – not like UK. Beeping from UPS – what happened – who knows? Okay – Thai and meditation because I don’t know what’s in my head at the moment really.
To-do list
A bit more activity at school today as we did the video in the morning and that was fun compared with the past week or so of just sitting around and reading.
George was, to my mind, quite overbearing this morning, when he said he thought I should exercise more and that he was only saying these things because he cares about me so much. He sounded sincere in his words but I felt a little negative about it. George feels like a father figure and he speaks with authority but sometimes it has the opposite effect – as he has experienced with Bee too – and it can make people just want to be stubborn and do the opposite – or just to think ‘Stop telling me what to do’.
But I recognised these thoughts and feelings and wondered why I was so negative towards them. Just thinking about this for a while actually took away the negativity. George can be right in what he is saying and it is still ok for me to not accept his advice about it.
I also think it wasn’t completely justified as I feel quite fit and healthy these days and don’t feel the need to be really pushing myself too hard with lifting weights and working out in such a determined manner as he does.
Anyway I was proud of myself to not let it effect the rest of my day at all and was curious about my feelings.
