I’m alright, I’m alive – 20th August 2020

Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys? Where did that come from?

Building myself up to do my five minutes of exercise, tired this morning – don’t want to, want to sleep more – push through.

Crazy Kim was here trying to climb to the highest point. What is in the mind of a cat?

Go to Hill tribe school today – hope it’s okay – worry the kids can’t understand what to do. What’s Plan B?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have Dad’s truck so I can drive to the hill tribe school today.

To-do list

  • Laugh and enjoy the day ✅
  • Make sure others enjoy their day too ½
  • Compliment new people (anyone really) ½
  • Another blog post when you get home ½

It’s a week later already. I have managed to fill my time up with many things including converting old DVDs, pushing and promoting the podcast, watching interesting TV and documentaries along with most of the usual things I’ve been doing such as school and online teaching.

I’ve been working with a girl called Kelly who has taken a few lessons to warm up but I was very heartened to see her become more confident and sure of herself in her speaking. That made me feel like my effort was worthwhile.

It can be the opposite at school where you can feel you are getting nowhere. I think I have successfully managed to understand this scenario now though and it will be a very long and slow process for things to improve.

Currently, there are lots of student protests in Thailand – more free and democratic government, less corruption and more equality. This too has been going on for nearly a hundred years. Things change slowly here.

I’ve been happy with myself recently and been able to deal with sudden changes and minorly stressful situations. I think I’ve become a better person and always looking to move that forward.

Tomorrow is my long teaching day – including in the evening but I’m looking forward to going to Mae Sai on the weekend and also dropping by an orphanage for girls to see what we can do for them. I hope that I can get involved in some way.

I like to relax on my bed of nails, that’s one thing that almost never fails – 29th July 2020

Nothing stays the same, though we always try and force it. Is this the start of the pandemic era as some people are predicting? What is the ‘new normal’ and is it really any different to before?

I feel very lucky. After leaving the UK in 1994 my life, on reflection, has been a lucky and happy rollercoaster ride. Even the bottoms of the ride felt survivable, perhaps because at least there wasn’t a cold grey rain spitting in my face. Perhaps there were occasions where it didn’t feel survivable at that moment, but luckily I did, and so I have the possibility to reflect.

My journey is my own and my pronouncements can only be based on that experience, my judgements for myself, so take them with a pinch of salt. I did bad things, good things, stupid things, smart things. I see others doing the same. Who am I to judge?

I have definitely changed over the last 6 months and I’m not sure why. Or I should say, I’m not sure specifically why. I have implemented lots of minor habit changes and behaviour modifications and perhaps it is an accumulation of minor positive changes that have made the difference. So I can’t put it down to meditating, exercising or journalling specifically.

I decided to get up 45 minutes earlier than I need to in order to get to work. In that time I follow a flexible routine. I keep it flexible because I shouldn’t punish myself for not following it consistently.

First I use my exercise bands to help open up my shoulders and stretch my calves. Probably only a couple of minutes total. Next, I spend 5 to 10 minutes doing tests on my language apps (Drops and Mondly) – the aim is to break my current daily streak, learn some new words, possibly remember those words and reinforce this habit. The idea behind this is to create a sense of achievement as soon as possible in the morning and this sets you up for the rest of the day.

Next, I lay on the floor and stretch out my back, neck and hamstrings. A warm-up stretch more than anything, no more than a couple of minutes again. Just brushing off the tightness left over from sleep.

Then I use an app called Home Workout and all I do is the 5-minute morning warm-up exercise, 10 exercises to get your body moving and your heart rate raised just slightly. I may move onto harder exercise routines later but I’m not in any hurry. I follow this with 30 squats and 20 tip-toe stretches (I have real problems with my feet).

If there is time, I write some ‘morning pages’ – whatever thoughts are piling through my head, though I’ve found that usually I don’t write much because I am sitting ‘trying’ to think of things to write. I often try to recall my dreams at this point. Whatever, it’s not a journal, it’s barely legible, it’s spat out quickly and forgotten – not really meant to be read again in the future. This habit is 2-5 minutes max.

Finally, I’ll meditate (this is when my brain suddenly starts coming up with the random thoughts!). I use the Smiling Mind app which has plenty of free meditations and I don’t know if I often get into a real meditative state but I want to do it just for practice. Doing it over and over again puts smaller chunks of information into my brain that I can utilise during the day, when not meditating as such. In this way, it is a success. Perhaps it has taught me to just pause sometimes before opening my mouth. Taking a deep breath before heading into a difficult class.

I usually meditate between 5 and 10 minutes and mostly they are guided meditations. Once there gets to be longer periods of silence I still struggle with keeping focus on breath or letting go of thoughts, but that’s the reason to practice, right? I also have been laying on a spiky massage mat whilst doing this and that has been great. Much like a bed of nails. It makes me wonder why I like it? Do I like discomfort, do I find comfort in pain? Do I feel some sense of achievement to be able to survive it? I don’t know if there is any scientific study around physiological benefits of this type of thing but I just know that I like it!

Finally, a shower and breakfast and it’s off to work. Following this routine 5 days a week seems to be having a positive effect on my happiness and calm. I wouldn’t put it down to any one of the habits specifically or even them all together. Sometimes it can just be the action, the doing, that provides the benefit. For years I’ve implored friends to just ‘Do Something’ usually for a larger cause. Now I’m starting to understand that whilst I was doing something for a larger cause it also had the side effect of benefitting myself.

I was going to write about how the Covid-19 virus has affected my life teaching at school and what the ‘new normal’ of that looks like. Fortunately for me, it has meant lots of free time, drinking coffee in the morning, sitting by the river. This situation won’t last forever. I won’t last forever. I enjoy it whilst I can.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my energy and enthusiasm. When Dylan called in sick today I was ready to go teach for him.

Too much is not enough – 23rd July 2020

Oh No! Bruno! – brainbox. Dream? I’m not sure but I am tired this morning – did not want to wake up. Exercised (five minutes) feel good. Mozzie heaven in my room in the morning.

Read back into my past – what was I thinking? Some days good, some days bad. Tim Smith passed away – only 59. Seven years older than me. I want to live longer. Especially now I am happy.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my glasses. I feel really disoriented without them. I love being able to see properly.

Pleasure’s real or is it fantasy? – 21st July 2020

Dark and rainy but I’m happy. Five-minute exercise with a few squats and foot exercises – can I fix my feet? Dream – I know I didn’t want to wake up because I wanted to know what happened but now I don’t remember what it was about. Earlier I dreamt about giving Matthew Sherlock (an old school friend) a blow job – he had a skinny dick. What’s the meaning?

I’ve been thinking recently about how over time everyone will be more open to each other about any sexuality so that we will all experiment with everything. A few generations away. Have a good day Shaun – happy.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that is easy for me to listen to podcasts in the car and I’m enjoying listening to this one (You Don’t Know Mojack) about all the SST releases. Very interesting.

To-do list

  • #1 – awards game
  • Gratitude, mantra, compliments
  • Listen first, speak later

These entries seem to be going a little by the wayside at the moment. A little because I have been busy transferring old DVD burns back to mp4 files. I mentioned to George that I was doing this and he asked me ‘why’, as if he couldn’t comprehend it.

It made me wonder a little too and I realised that I enjoy cataloguing and ordering things. I always seem to be in this process. Now I’m looking at my photos, physical and on my computers, cataloguing my life and 1994 diary, CDs, music files etc. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. It’s mostly pointless and time-consuming but for some reason, it makes me happy.

School has been fun and I’m enjoying teaching these new classes. The environment and other teachers are all pleasant and contribute significantly to the good feeling. I feel good and self-confident almost all the time now.

Can I have the key? – 17th July 2020

Wake up at night and clench my jaw when I stretch – stupid. Brain jukebox – Volcano Suns – Medicine Cabinet. What a brain! Five days habit morning – losing a little weight – now steadily under 80 kg – happy with that.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my long-running laptop. It keeps on chugging along.

To-do list

  • Awards game all the time – play it!
  • Turn the awards game into compliments
  • Smile, talk less, listen more

I did play the awards game and turned a couple into compliments (on Friday) but forgot after that – why don’t I remember? Will try again.

Went out with Amy on Friday night and whilst she and everyone else were drinking, I decided not to – knowing what I would feel like on Saturday. Everyone was having a good time but I was super tired and went to the car to rest and listen to music. Despite being uncomfortable in the car I was in a positive mood and turned it into ‘getting to listen to my music’ instead of ‘having to wait for Amy’.

Needless to say, I felt good on Saturday morning and Amy struggled through the day! I even managed to get up early on Sunday and do my 5-minute exercise routine which made me feel great for the rest of the day until about 6 pm when I got tired and went to bed (to read).

I also didn’t eat much this weekend and got back under 79kg again. I want to keep going and burn off the rest of this belly fat.

I spoke to Hayden over the weekend and he sounded much better than before. His speech was clear and his ideas had more clarity too. He said he hasn’t smoked pot for 30 days now. That’s great to hear. I’m so happy to hear him sound more positive at last.

Classes have been going well. The kids are working me out and they make me laugh. I’m not taking things too seriously now – just try to enjoy our time with each other in the class.

British boys’ minds in a whirl – 9th July 2020

Painkillers fog my brain – body feels relaxed but thinking gets mega tiring. Have to stay positive. George always positive – even if not inside. He’s too much sometimes – even though he’s right about many things – it puts me off depending on how I’m feeling.

Anyway – exercise this morning kicks me out of my laziness a little. I think I prefer my head to be straighter these days. Things I get to do can only be done when feeling straight. Beep beep – message. Amy crying out in her dream a lot last night.

What am I gonna talk about today? What can I achieve today? What are you thinking? Now or later? Now light sweat, aching thumbs – things begging to be done – but for what end. A sense of achievement? Purpose? Happiness? Trying to stay positive.

Will record some video today. Let’s see how I handle things. Stay positive.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be making videos again today. Sitting around doing nothing at work is ok for a while but gets boring.

To-do list

  • Post last two TCRAH ✅
  • Find more ‘school’ items ✅
  • Compliment someone – anyone! ✅
  • Silent positive wishes and ‘thank you’ mantra ✅
  • Record ‘Golden Age’ for Bruce if at home

We got that attitude! – 2nd July 2020

Tired but had a good sleep. Lazy to work out this morning just stretch instead okay. The clouds – remember about clouds – oh yeah – best cloud of the day award – make a day of awards – will be fun and make you happy. I need to clean my room. Are my teeth okay? Feel better but need them to stay okay forever. Smell cat pee. Could just be damp humid air.

Learning Thai words but no chance to use really and when I do have chance someone Thai will usually say it first! The struggles of a language learner.

Walked KhaoThang home yesterday and jogged back. I have no stamina – had to rest many times! It’s okay though – felt good. My feet suck though. Knees too. Core too – haha! My body is slowly starting to know more about exercise again. I remember a time when I was filled with energy and stamina before my body grew into its twisted adult shape.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to the person in the bank who gave me what I need for my visa.

To-do list

  • Compliment someone and give silent good wishes ✅
  • ‘Thank you’ mantra ✅
  • Record more blog posts and edit drafts ✅
  • Post more TCRAH to blog ✅

Missed out on writing last night as we went out to eat with Aing and her friend. I had a couple of beers and went straight to be when I got home.

And tonight it’s already late and I’m lazy. I’m not concerned though. Things are going in the right direction for me.