It’s on a whim; it’s on a dare, To shrug away what we can’t bear – 6th-11th March 2018

Another busy week of back and forth.  I’m slowly getting into the rhythm of the hours and the days.  A weekly rhythm is illusive still but that’s fine, most days I have no idea what day it is.  It’s a big change from sitting around in an air-conditioned office, staring at a screen for 12 hours at a time, though I do spend a bit of more time looking at my phone these days.

One time last week Amy came to me laughing after having talked with the electrician at our house.  Apparently, he had heard, from someone around in the village, that I was a professional football player from Australia!  I can guess that this came from the village store where I’d been a total of once at that time.

I trekked up there again to buy beer for our workers after one long day where I did a lot of back-breaking weeding.  There’ll be more of that to come for sure, barely scratched the surface.  Anyway, I managed to convey that I needed 12 cold beers and that they were all for Amy, whilst I was just having a yoghurt drink.  They complimented me on the house and then said how hot the weather was.  Well, it’s small talk but I’m getting there slowly when I’m allowed off my leash.  I wonder what gossip that visit generated as I trudged in in my boots and sweat-ridden clothes.  We shall see.

Talking about being let off the leash, whilst I’ve been happily driving around in Amy’s mum’s car, or dad’s truck, I was granted permission to ride the motorcycle.  Usually just at night when it’s quieter and we never go too far anyway.  Amy had been riding with me on the back and I think she was finding it hard to control with the extra weight, better to let me ride instead.

I think she almost changed her mind on the first few runs though.  The motorcycle is somewhat dilapidated and the front brake doesn’t work at all.  It took me a while to master the gear changes, whilst also using the gears to brake half the time.  I decided we’ll get an automatic bike when we get round to getting our own.  Much simpler.  I need simple these days.

Tigger
Sometimes, Tigger is chill. Sometimes.

The weather has been pretty good as far as I’m concerned.  Even on the hot days, it wasn’t too much of a bother but I know it will get much more sticky and hot next month.  The evenings, as the sun is setting, are perfect.  We rode out to the old airport where folks young and old walk, run and ride up and down the runway, to get a bit of exercise in.  Has to wrap up before the sun disappears though as there is no other light there at all.  A few vendors have figured it’s a good place to make some money on water and various other drinks.

We walked past a group of about 30 teenage boys playing football, shirts vs skins, and I watched them for a bit, noticing the topless fat boy at the nearest corner.  A few seconds later the ball came his way with a long floating kick from midfield.  This was his chance for glory.  But he had his back to the ball and facing towards us.  His team all screamed at him, ‘Fatty, wake up and stop checking out the farang’s wife’, talking about Amy.  Everyone laughed and we kept on strolling.

We met up with Goi, one of Amy’s old school friends, as we were walking and they chatted whilst I called up my cousin Sharon to see how she’s doing back in England, now that things are not quite so frantic with her looking after my mum.  She asked if I felt bereaved and I said I didn’t really, things have just been too busy to even think about it too deeply, though I was always reminded of mum whenever I took photos of unusual plants and flowers.  Sharon said to send them to her instead which I had planned to do anyway.

Later, when Amy and I were having dinner, she told me about Goi’s life and her worries about health, money and the future.  Similar to another friend who is also raising a child, around 8 or so years old each.  We are sympathetic to their situations as they ask about ours and why we don’t want kids.  For us, the answer is obvious, we don’t want to have the same worries and concerns that they are now having.  For some reason, it doesn’t make sense to them.

After the football incident, we are also constantly discussing the fact that some people around they city stare at us – a lot!  We can understand people’s curiosity but some people literally gawp, mouth wide and follow us as we walk past.  Foreigners are not that uncommon around town or even out in the countryside these days and we think maybe it’s because Amy doesn’t look like the traditional Thai girl a lot of foreigners seem to go for.  I decided that next time it happens I will softly say in Thai, ‘Excuse me, what is it that you are staring at?’  The only downfall to this plan is that if they answer, I probably won’t be able to understand.

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Whilst our garden is a constant battle against weeds, our next challenge will be the constant battle against insects, particularly, ants.  Ants are everywhere in Amy’s parent’s house.  Whatever is built they will find a way in.  I don’t have anything against ants, as far as I know, none of them are dangerous, the thing that freaks me out with them is that sometimes, in low light and I’m not wearing my glasses, it looks like the walls or floor are moving and I’m reminded of tripping on mushroom tea.  And it makes me want mushroom tea!  The ants and the weeds will take over this world.  They are unstoppable.  We planted 5 small Jacaranda trees this week.  Fingers crossed they take root, survive and maybe in a few years time even flower.

Serenade – 25th September 1998

Email with TLJ:

T: well, it’s a rainy day, so i don’t feel like doing much.

S: Hang on – and if it’s a sunny day?!!

T: wrote the sdd group an email – just waiting for all the abusive responses……

S: You’ll only get abusive responses if yr email was abusive (or your team members are pricks)

T: sue is going to the MSO ball tonight with DI!!!!!! so i’ve got nothing to do –
well, besides seeing you…….

S: Well, talk about feeling second rate! Can’t you go to this thing too – if you want to?

T: it’s a pity you can’t lie about your salary like Sandie does. (i think she said she was earning 80,000 when she was really earning 50,000! dad sent in my Taiwan application form (i think) today.

S: I hope it gets lost in the mail and you can come stay at my place for a month!

T: and i’ve got some compaq gossip. remind me to tell you my unity party story. well, i’ll tell you now. rob (jackie’s boy – friend, not son) knows jason lee (the head guy in the unity party) from law school. and the unity party is having its launch tonight, so mum thought sandie should go to the launch ($50 a head) to meet “career people” – well, they’re all lawyers just about. but sandie has opted for a night out with her snowboarder/compaq friends and jackie – and they’re going to be taking lots of illicit drugs i imagine (sandie’s looking forward to getting her hands on “ekkies” and a
man i suspect). she’s been in lots of trouble with all her compaq workmates about gossiping – it’s so funny, pathetic really.

S: Because she gossips or is she the one they are all gossipping about.? She’d better be careful – people are cruel.

T: anyway, have a great day. see you tonight?

S: You better!

T: i know you might be busy with the party though, and you’ll have to get an early night.

S: Won’t be busy with it tonight but will need to get to bed probably before 3am

T: actually, so do i since i have a violin lesson tomorrow.

S: Will you serenade me one day?

*All right – 1st September 1998

Email with TLJ

S: Hey sweety I’m missing you and wanna make things good with you. Wanna know you’re all right with everything. Want you to know that I think you’re great, happy and full of life. (We all have our bad days – me particularly)
Love to you

T: you know what? whatever.
No only kidding – just knew that would piss you off.

S: Hang on – I’ve put my sense of humour down here somewhere….

T: Planning on going shopping with sue, di, and tu in about 1/2 an hour.

S: Window shopping I hope. Or a present for me of course.

T: josh asked if that guy on friday night was anything special,

S: Tell me the truth – is he?

T: and made a reference to Jack (whom he has heard a bit about from nat) – i think I said something bitchy though to cover up. anyway, he’s moving out with jay and joe to Newtown tomorrow. sue, di and tu asked if i wanted to go white water rafting in october – i’ll think about it, though it’s 90 dollars + you have to find transport (can get a lift with sue and di, or you wanna drop me? i think it’s at Shoalhaven or something).

S: You know I can drop you – can I come too – or is that a girl thing too (or a uni thing). I think I’d like to be in a dingy with three beautiful teenage girls (hang on I’m just going to the toilet).

T: Shaun also offered to pay for josh’s skydiving ticket!

S: OK – will he pay for me too? (and I’ll promise to be his friend)

T: no, things are good with me, i only wanted to spend the night together and really have fun – no worries or anything.

S: We’ll have a long hot bath – I’ll massage you and you can fall asleep in my arms.

T: di can’t make tomorrow girlie thing, so i may be able to see you.

S: Oh, but I’m seeing Di…oops! No no that would be cool. I look forward to it.

T: As well, i may try dropping around to marty’s party, or maybe even newtown to see triple J’s (get it) new house.

S: I can always drop you there too sweety.

T: Sunday’s out though, cause i may be getting together with di to work on IS & OD. and monday night, we may be having our girlie night (if mum lets me).

S: Oh well. If you can you can if you can’t you can’t – no sweat. You know I’ll be waiting for you.

T: anyway, what are your plans?

S: I might try and get a swim in this weekend actually – otherwise more work on the equipment and some noise plus comic reading and taking it easy.

T: love tlj
ps – i’m wearing his pants for her………….

S: Can I wear your pants…
Hope you get this – our mail server is fucked today

T: ok, so we didn’t get to go shopping but i’ll be going after the marketing lecture til 5, and then i’ll come see you at about 6pm at the physio.
we were talking instead and boy have i got some juicy goss to tell you! the best!
catch ya babe

Don’t wait or hesitate, take care, beware, Wrong! – 27th June 1994

Hate That Smile in Holland

You want gossip! Here’s what’s on my mind right now. Write it down, clear it out, forget about it – here’s the rub.

Spoke to Rich from Eastleigh a couple of days ago and had a cool chat, Rich being more forward than usual and telling me what he’d been up to. Anyways he mentioned Fatty had been in touch to try and speak to Rob. Rob not being there, Rich had a quick chat with Fatty saying he should get in touch with me, or that maybe I should get in touch with him. According to Rich, Fatty didn’t say anything to that and when Rich mentioned about going up to some of the gigs in Southampton, Fatty replied ‘maybe after September’. Rich was rather taken aback by this apparently and we can only assume that he’s waiting for me to leave this country before taking up again with our mutual friends.

When Rich told me this I just said ‘Oh well, no good to harbour hatred’ and shrugged it off, but afterwards it really got me down. It’s not nice knowing someone out there hates you to the extent of wanting to see you go away completely. It’s upsetting and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m very sensitive to these things (as you may have worked out by now anyway). It also makes me angry because I have not done anything wrong and my hater (Fatty) can’t even come and talk to me about it.

Okay, I’m saddened because this person can’t deal with their problem, can’t handle their emotions and can’t be honest with me about it. Remember, last time I spoke to Fatty, we left on amicable terms and he’d be in touch (also remember I don’t know his new address or phone number – Yes, I could get both if I really wanted to!) And now the turnaround – his problem is not my problem.

If I met him now I would talk to him like nothing has happened (in fact nothing has happened has it!?) and it really is a shame for him that he hasn’t been to see me in the last six months and a shame he probably won’t see me again after September. For me, however, it is not a shame. I feel like I’ve cut out a poisonous sore, an infection. Close the door on a chapter of my past, one which turned sour, especially at a critical time for me emotionally, with Steve passing away.

I am stronger. My character will carry me through this and I can only hope one day Fatty can see how foolish and stubborn he has been. Good luck old friend, remember, happiness is only just around the corner. So there it is. Now I can forget about it. Will write you some more later.

I feel great, let’s celebrate
It’s a sunny day, let’s dance and play
Never fear, love is here
– Wrong by Nomeansno