Tag: poem

You Are Not One – 27th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am me, you are you
What we see, what we do
In a box and it’s all done
But you are not one

I say it, you do too
Making me, making you
Pigeonholed to belong
But you are not one

In our heads, a sum of parts
Stand divided, fool our hearts
A long road to what we become
Because you are not one

And you’re so desperate to see the lights that you don’t dare think about what’s going on in the dark.

from Troubled Souls by Garth Ennis and John McCrea

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to Baew and Mee for bringing Amy home safe and sound last night after their Christmas Party. They are good friends.

Prepare for adversity! It seems the school is attempting to stop teachers from leaving the school again, so I may have to concede my coffee time at House, at least for a while. OK – I know I will have to accept this for now. Let’s see how we go! I’m writing this because I know I can get myself worked up about it because it’s dumb. I get much more work done when I am at House. Anyway, anyway, anyway.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I really enjoyed a very chill day watching TV and reading. My eyes got tired and a little kratom put my body and mind into a blissful transition towards a fabulous, long, deep sleep.

I feel refreshed today and will start resetting my alarm back 5 minutes every day or two until I get back to 6.10 or 6.00 and get back on the abs regimen. The pizza and beer on the weekend saw a weight increase of 800g but I think I’ll be back under 76.5 again soon. Still heading towards that 75kg goal I set a while back but really now I’m more concerned with getting the last of the fat off my belly and chest.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I feel young for my age, about 20 years behind, maybe even 30! I was thinking the other day about George and me being comfortable around younger people, but I think for very different reasons. For George, he is easily able to control younger people around him. They look up to him as a guide, as I once did too.

For me, I am comfortable around younger people (not necessarily young, I’m talking about up to Amy’s age) because I find them inspiring for myself. As I watch them growing, I understand more about myself. Their energies and excitements, filled with curiosity, are exciting to me. Perhaps it makes me feel somewhat superior and that is an ego boost but this is not a conscious thing. Yes, I can see where people are heading towards mistakes but I also see them find their way out of them too.

As with everyone, it is not just about age. I can see many teenagers and 20-year-olds who do not inspire or enthuse, just as I can find others older than me, still growing and learning. For me, this is a life well spent.

Am I in step with my peers? Well, I find it difficult to identify my peers. Who are they? It can’t just be people my age. And living here in Thailand, maybe still finding peers (local? farang?) blurs things further.

The auntie across the road told Amy that she couldn’t believe that I was older than her husband. We’ve never talked but she said that my actions are of a much younger person. I dunno, I get pleasure out of playing with their dog and sometimes their cat and I’m generally doing things at a more speedy pace than the locals. It’s not just a physical thing.

But again, there are some things I generally don’t like to do, things I consider may be making a fool of myself! Interesting to think about what we decide constitutes making fools of ourselves. I still won’t sing karaoke unless I’m drunk! Why is it ok then? Haha – I don’t know!

The Fantastic Four – 26th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A family always on the edge
Fighting to hold itself together
Fear and doubt grows in the dark
And the fantastic four will be no more

Make your own bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see the beautiful sunset over the cloudy mountains at Singha Park yesterday. The view was lovely and filled with warmth.

As I’m getting to the bottom of the bottle of weed tincture that I got off Matt, the effects are getting stronger. Today, Amy is off with her friends to celebrate Christmas, leaving me this opportunity to be home alone and get a little high..

Singha Park yesterday seems like weeks ago right now. In the end, I ate too much despite not finishing a third can of Wild Rose, drank too much. My stomach just couldn’t take it. I realised it soon after that the beer was just too gassy. I burped and farted the drive home. I took a minute at the park and savoured a divine moment watching the sunset to the clouds on the mountains. As the clouds were moving, the sun would peak out again and it felt like a special surprise and a secret message meant just for me. I’ll hold it in my memory more than any photo I could’ve taken as a reminder.

This morning has been righteous, with two good coffees and a few more pages of the Slash biography read. It has been interesting to me to see how their band worked (as people, not as musicians), think about how my bands worked and wonder how everyone deals with it differently.

I updated more blog posts and listened to the ..? album to write a review and that was fun, and the start of reviewing my CD collection – an impossible task, I know, and already this morning I could think of at least ten different, other, things I could be doing. This is life and I’m loving it.

..? – …! – CD review

I had downloaded this album back when I was living in Sydney and as I did with a few different albums I enjoyed, I burned them to CD and printed a cover and pretended they were the real thing. So something must have struck me about this album at the time but in all honesty, I have probably never listened to it since. I would venture to say that this album is more than 10,000 other album downloads ago by now!

Searching for this band (…?) and album (…!) is not google-friendly, to say the least. Luckily some of the track titles enabled me to find a little information that this was actually a one-man recording project and the music is described as avant-metal. 16 songs in 26 minutes apparently. Appealing to my short attention span.

Let’s see how it sounds on this slow, tired Sunday morning.

Goodnight, Folks
It’s a cartoon intro and vocals that recall Pentti Dassum from Deep Turtle. Ah yes, I can hear what pulled me into this. The first minute or so actually recalls a few Finnish bands such as Keukhot and Y.U.P. before a half-minute Darth Vegas/Mr Bungle bomp-a-long. Obviously, an ironically titled introduction that has me curious. I’m expecting the beginning of the next track to be bombastic.

The Band of Bald Mountain
Well, only for a second, a big booming crescendo before wandering off and then careering through all sorts of genres, this definitely has me smiling behind my serious lips. I like this middle section that hangs around for a relatively long chunk of time, until the end in fact. I like that balance and transition, from the crazed to the more straightforward and especially like the fact it doesn’t go back into zaniness as may have been expected.

One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten
Haha, this is a high-octane counting song that would be on my dream Sesame Street. The transition into single snare hits about three-quarters of the way through is very cute. The lyrics though… Well, I guess they are easy to remember. A favourite so far though.

3-2-3
More counting? It’s ominous, booming, and Emerson Lake and Palmer have arrived, then Slayer and it’s on. Fuck yeah. Yes, it’s that cartoon thrash that has been heard many times before, BUT, because it is cartoon thrash it’s never the same and I marvel at the musical dexterity of it all.

Moe and Mumbles
Ah-ha. The gypsy thrash song! And…..there’s the Simpsons theme tune thrown in for a couple of bars for good measure. Impossible not to smile at but feels a little filler here.

Tear Out My Eyes
What is this main riff, lifted from – it sounds familiar? I’m digging the pace of this one, a jaunty thing…oh – double speed and I’m turning the volume and pumping my imaginary double kick drums. And it’s over before I could even finish writing the first sentence. Dug.

Hello, Oh, Sweetheart
Is this the interlude? A show tune of sorts. It’s brief and serves as an intro to the following tune.

Mitch, The Bastard Id
Nice bass tone, nice guitar tone, this punks along before speeding off. Like a twisted cowboy song, the rhythm feels like horse riding. Weirdly, I think this is the first tune that has a repeated section before scattering itself all over the place. It’s good music, so why not?

Peeping Toms Make Good Spies
Yes, spy movies are brought to mind here, at least at the beginning. I like music when I have no idea where it is going. Of course, I also like music that is more conventional but I think I like to work a little when listening. I like things that most people would find testing. I’m gonna listen to this one again, right now.

Damn Gypsies
Gypsy? In a ska way. In a punk-ska way. Great chorus and again the pace is compelling. This is actually the most conventional song so far. I want to sing along and punch the air.

The Charmer – The Torture
A slow down, another interlude tune. Good to give the ears a little break from the nonsense-circus-core. Haha….and then…..great. Perfect. Yes – kill me!

Subservient Girlfriend
This intro reminds me of DI. A faster So-Cal classic punk bounce around which a swirling synth before a mad chorus that I wish I could hear the lyrics more clearly.

Siblings
OK – well, lyrically this one is straightforward and clearly understood. Sibling love.

Fireworks Away
A great speedy tune with uplifting tunes and some sweet percussion tingly away in the background. I’m liking that this one maintains a steady beat and not pounding off into double-time death metal mayhem. Another favourite.

X
Fuck, this recording is very nice, probably lots of time poured over each sound. I like that the distorted guitars are cut so cleanly into each section. Not attracted to this middle-end section breakdown but as with music like this, it’s not usually long before a change comes along.

Mania Love
Well, those recording cuts are even more overplayed at the beginning here. And I’m loving it. This farts around all over the place wildly and every moment is genius or thereabouts. And farts is the word as this crazy fun album blows off back onto the shelf for now.

That was a rad listen and I will check it again. I think the album has been looked over as it exists at spot #1 in my collection and so is not easily seen. Perhaps I should move to the D section (for dot).

Favourite track right now is ‘One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten’, I’m thinking purely because I have an idea how the lyrics go!

In The Alley – 25th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There in the alley, the marginal spaces
The ministers mix with the drunk
Between the tavern and the church
Was the birth of soul and funk

Here lies the crux to save humanity
The bleed maintains the goal
Has heaven found its place on earth
Where angels delivered funk and soul?

Keep on pushin’, Minister Curtis
Not just shaking shaggy, do wow!
We got to find the rhythms of peace
And we got to find them now

adapted from a LitHub article about Curtis Mayfield

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our palm trees, whose fronds Tangmo really loves to play with when they have fallen to the ground.

A pleasant morning, waking without an alarm and inspired enough to get back to the abs regime. I’ve just been doing two sets of 25 sit-ups a day, sticking my feet under the lounge as leverage. I’m hoping my muscles eventually become strong enough to pull my body up without having to use my legs.

Amy has been baking carrot cake as Christmas gifts and we first took one to Art at Utopia, which was enjoyed and they rewarded me with an awesome new coffee blend from Melbourne. Then, to Cafe With No Name to drop off their cake.

Back now for relaxing lunch and reading my first Samuel Beckett, which I now understand Sean Hughes’ fascination with. Looking at my book shelves, there are just so many great books I have that I can’t wait to read.

This evening we are off to Singha Park with Amy’s parents for a family Christmas dinner.

Conduit – 24th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

You’re just a filter for fine foods and wine
You get a hold of it and say, “it’s mine”
Consumers of more, you’ve got it all
And it’s lonely at the top of the fall

An empty vessel, a temporary fill
Sieved away and now it’s empty still
If you hold too long it becomes a block
Account your life by taking stock

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my wheat bag and microwave to help me with my aching neck. It’s a comfort more than a help.

Now that the winter solstice has passed, it already feels as if the sun rises much earlier and the weather a degree or two warmer. The inertia of this rolling planet is building into the next storm of heat.

I talked with Amy last night about stopping work again and she joked (maybe) about in ten months, after the new laptop I’ve ordered is paid off. I only actually need the laptop for work. If I weren’t working then the computer I have would be fine. Anyway, I would love to stop working in ten months time – if not sooner!

I would miss the kids so much though and I would definitely miss watching them grow and develop into adults. Whatever they choose to do with their lives.

Tomorrow we will go with Amy’s parents to Singha Park to eat pizza. Maybe I’ll have a beet. That’s my Christmas!

I read an interesting interview yesterday from a blog called Oldster – talking to people about how they feel and deal with getting older. I am thinking about the same kind of things. The questions and the interviewees’ answers were very interesting. I thought I should try and interview myself and answer the questions here.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?

I think I really only associate myself with me as am now. Sometimes I remember things I’ve done and they feel like they happened to someone else. Like a movie or a dream.

There are two points in my life that profoundly impacted me and those memories are clear and strong but they feel like they happened to a different version of me (which they did, really). I can’t be that person again or would even want to be but I do feel nostalgic for the pleasant feeling I had during those times, which felt few and far between as they were happening during my teenage years. That is my first age (nostalgic age).

I was a ball of contradictory confusion. I was often miserable and uncertain about anything. Then I was also looking for happiness and was confident in my selfishness. I wouldn’t wish to go through those times again, except with the wisdom I have now.

The other age in my mind is from meeting Bronwyn around 1992 until around 2002. That age was really what I would say built on my foundations of youth. It wasn’t really until I came out of that that I truly discovered who I am. I’m still not always happy with that person but I found acceptance through all my experiences.

So these two stages are really my main growth stages and they stick out to me for that reason. Now, I feel that I am in a constant state of growth and it is not so much defined by a specific time. In my mind, I am still an adventurous 20-year-old as a somewhat wiser 54-year-old.

    The Week That Was – 11th March 1979

    Give Me A.I. – 23rd December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

    Give me A.I., I’ll just be a brain in a box
    Ditch my body for complete neuron unlocks
    A twitching synapse controls my feeding tube
    Lord Elon can come and change my lube
    Devolution of thumbs, no longer required
    Finally, it’s our thoughts to be admired
    Give me A.I. and charge-free flying cars
    Let’s get on the rocket and fuck off to Mars

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful for the technology that means we can video call our friends around the world. It’s a far cry from the dial phones I grew up with.

    Last night, Amy and I had a long video and audio call with Aing in Bangkok. She was down and confused about her future and I learned a little bit about Amy as we talked. About myself too.

    I was conscious of not just putting my ideas forward or just telling what I would do because I can’t really put myself into her situation exactly. Amy and I both listened more than talking, asking questions where appropriate.

    Then Amy gave her some good advice. Aing felt better after this and we will try and help her as much as we can. She is a smart young lady with lots of potential. We would like to see her achieve her dreams rather than going along with what satisfies other people.

    Amy and I talked more about it afterwards and she has a method in this kind of situation, which I didn’t really realise that I was doing too. That is to let the person talk and to listen carefully before offering any advice. Be sympathetic before a solution provider. Amy is very good at this. George too. I am getting better at it and try more these days to put myself in someone else’s shoes as much as possible.

    Sometimes other people’s problems put more perspective into mine. Mine are all in my head. In fact, I would say most problems are just there. I try to put everything into categories of what I can control and what I can’t. That usually leads me to the way to the solution. Controlling my thoughts is the constant practice for the rest of my life.

    The White Torch – 22nd December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 11 Comments

    Like a ray of moonlight through the window
    Sweet words fall like dew drops from petals
    Connected by vapour pulled through the air
    The briefest touch sends hearts spinning

    Pure eyes emanating light, lit large
    Her grace flows forth like a stanza
    This tree in blossom fights against her sorrows
    A brief affection, two bodies made into one

    A love cleansed by tears remains pure
    A single thought makes it so
    The flowers hidden in darkness
    Cannot hide that held in our hearts

    The universe trembles to this sweet music
    This delicious dance felt for the first time
    Love and fear fills the heart with joy
    The obstacles of doubt surmounted
    – Every minute now, a year of love

    Mangled from the titular chapter of The Broken Wings by Khalil Gibran and inspired by the attached picture of an old student of mine. I read this chapter and saw the picture on the same day and combined, they both took me back to enjoy that soft sick feeling in the stomach and chest of teenage love.

    3rd Mar 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Colour Challenge
    16th Aug 2024 – Submitted to dVerse OLN

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful that from today the daylight hours will get longer again. I say this as I saw the sun appear above the mountain this morning filling the sky with its orange light.

    I’m anxious and overthinking again at the moment. I need to overcome this feeling somehow. Yesterday I talked with Champ and I could feel he understood my frustrations with school but it became obvious that if anything happens down the line, such as more complaints from the parents, then he will not support me. Not necessarily by choice but just to protect himself. This is kinda disappointing really but I guess it shows me where I stand.

    I think I’ll make some changes with some small things in my life again to give me back more of a feeling of control again. I feel not strong enough to support my own beliefs, not arrogant enough to feel superior, not flexible enough to bend to the will of others.

    The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.

    There’s something to be said for thoughtless manual labour. Weak. Time feels like it’s running away but it’s not real – why am I insisting on making it real? Is this my midlife crisis? Gotta self-talk my way out of it.

    In The RV – 21st December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

    The power’s gone out
    And there’s snow on the roof
    So begins the test
    If you are living in truth
    There’s no heat now
    Time for another sweater
    “The sacrifices are severe
    But the rewards are even better”

    Inspired and quoted by interviews with Christmas tree sellers in New York at the Cafe Anne newsletter
    11th Nov 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – sweater

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful to see the almost full moon on one side of the sky this morning, followed by a red sun rising over the mountains on the other side of the sky.

    I didn’t sleep well on the 19th (Fui told me there was an earthquake and that may have woken me up.) and skipped school, not that I would’ve had much to do anyway with kids at home. Still, a couple of them sent me their work, which made me happy.

    I spent most of the day reading comics in bed, which was excellent!

    In the afternoon, I dropped over to Bruno’s and we went off for a good walk that took me over 10,000 steps for the day and I felt pretty good after that. I unloaded a lot of complaining on Bruno. He knows and understands the kind of things I’m going through with school. He listened sympathetically whilst we took a trip around the hilltop village near where Laetitia used to live.

    I would like to do more walking, especially in these cooler days but my dodgy feet are holding me back. I should go and get them checked out at the hospital – see if the insurance gives me any cover for that.

    25th Sep 2025 – I still haven’t done this!

    I was pretty down at the weekend. Post alcohol malaise, I think, and I’m a little worried about when Amy is not here. She helps keep me steady and motivated at times like these.

    I’m sitting in House at the moment and feeling a little anxiety as there are many things I want to do and I feel like I’m rushing things. Not teaching the kids online (and just assigning work to complete) has definitely made me busier as I spend more time following up on them. Oh well, I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Time to make calls for my next class.

    Carrying The Pain Of The World – 20th December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

    The more you learn about life
    And the wiser that you get
    There’s more responsibility
    In carrying the pain that is met

    This is love, the sacrifice
    The willingness to forgive and forget
    If this lesson is never learned
    A life is lived full of regret

    Inspired and quoted by interviews with Christmas tree sellers in New York at the Cafe Anne newsletter

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful for this sneaky day off work and being able to read a stack of comics in my free time. My mind is taken to so many different places when I read.

    Some Days – 19th December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

    Some days are shit, that’s the way it’s gotta be
    How you gonna know if good is all you see?
    In the end, there just can’t be another way
    Some days are shit and that includes today

    I enjoyed the whisky last night but the write-off for today just isn’t worth it. I feel slow, sluggish and depressed. I don’t feel like going to school tomorrow but I should be all right by then. Just have to talk myself around.

    Born Ready – 18th December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

    It’s all about the effort, you gotta believe
    That’s what success is, not what you achieve
    To be in control is to be steady
    To become the best, realise you were born ready

    Tell yourself, repeat, don’t be lazy
    If you put 100% you cannot be crazy
    Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
    Success is defined by the action you choose

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful for the passionfruit I can see outside, on the ground, waiting for me to pick it up and scoop out its insides and drink its delicious juice.

    Yesterday I ran out of energy. My last class was restless so we got through it double quick and the boys all left and the girls all cleaned the classroom, which made me sad and upset.

    I ate lunch and read in the teachers’ room until George came in, making noise and encouraging everyone to eat more than they wanted, ordering Dylan and others around and wanting everyone to join in playing Kahoot. It’s sometimes difficult to see if everyone does it to humour him and not upset him or if they find him really inspiring and friendly. I find it all insincere and manipulative, as you can probably tell.

    Anyway, it was obvious I had to get out of his way for them to play so I went out to the other room. During all this, I just flagged and though I’d planned to go meet Bruno, I cancelled and headed home and was in bed before 8 and asleep by 9.30!

    I didn’t feel too bad in the morning today but couldn’t force myself to exercise and settled for coffee instead.

    I’d missed a call from Ellen yesterday and she sent me a message this morning that she was thinking of killing herself! I called her and talked with her for half an hour. She’s having some tough times and I hoped I could give her some positive encouragement. I told her we should talk again each Saturday (just so I can check in with her).

    She’s still looking for people to teach for her, which I’m too busy for now but I don’t really know anyone. Even foreign teachers at school, I wouldn’t want to recommend to her in case she gets fucked around by them. I hope she’ll be ok.

    Today, I flagged again around 3pm. Amy and I had been running around preparing for next weekend’s party at her parents. We stopped in a cafe on the way back and as we drank our drinks, we both stopped talking and subconsciously realised it was time to head home and take a nap.

    I got sucked in by the Khalil Gibran story I was reading, ‘Khalil The Heretic’ and then ended up reading comics until just before sunset. Better for a good sleep tonight anyway.

    I’ll go feed the cats and feel like watching a movie, maybe a few sips of whiskey.