I’m flipping in the wind like a flag on a pole – 16th December 1994

Mentally exhausted, stressed, frayed at the seams – me and my love are flaking it, ok, we do it to ourselves cos we’re on the move again.

On Monday we borrowed Cathy’s car and drove up to the Central Coast, crashing at P_’s overnight, up and out early to house hunt, we drive round and round in circles round the beautiful beachline towns, checking particularly in busy little Terrigal which we like as soon as we drive through. We check out a fully furnished house on a hill with a verandah deck the same size as the house and a dramatic gorgeous view of cliffs, beach and ocean, we love this old wooden shack and dream of sitting out on the verandah sipping wine and feeling the evening sea breeze caress our warm cheeks like silk sheets. Unhappily, it stays a dream as it is just out of our price range and decide to pick on something unfurnished and cheaper so that when we move again (yeah, we’re always moving, might as well think about it now) we’ll have some furnishings to take with us.

And the next day we find us a nice home just a short walk from the beach. With 3 bedrooms and a verandah and garden hopefully we’ll stay here for a good long time and start to settle into some kind of routine, though routine is not the right word but just to feel like this is it, this is where I want to be in the world.

With good access to many beaches and only an hour out of Sydney, it’s an ideal spot and we can’t wait to get there next week, just three days before Christmas, time means little to us these days and I think sometimes there’s no present like time.

So, back that evening we have shocked our systems silly with stress and emotions and excitement, we both run low and have done since, except for spoiling ourselves last night with a swim, spa, sauna and steamroom special which chills us out and ultimately knocks us out, then to wake early this morning and into the city to sort out the printing of the invitations for our wedding and do some Christmas shopping and I feel good inside to buy such nice gifts for people and also sad that I’m unable to earn myself any money just yet to buy things for myself but that is something I’ll be getting used to, particularly as I’m applying for a degree course, in English, as well as some other courses if I don’t get into that one. They’ll leave me with some spare time in which I can look for work in the area which I reckon will be booming over the summer season and dead during the winter, so with the sun I may catch some part time work here and there to supplement Broni’s hard earned cash, things are going to be tight that’s for sure, but money doesn’t buy happiness, to overstate a cliche and really things couldn’t be going much better could they?

So, why so low?

I guess the future is daunting and scary and the stress of jobsearching and house hunting combined with wedding plans does get a bit much. I have to say that Broni is taking control of wedding plans and arrangements and doing an amazing job, I’m not sure why but I can’t get into an enthusiastic mood to work out all these complex details, this doesn’t mean I’m not enthusiastic about getting married but I wish someone could just organise and we could turn up and then we’d be married, but that’s me living in the clouds again. I am old enough to take control of these things but all piled on top of each other is a bit much for little tiny me, and sometimes I wish I didn’t feel like that, jeez, I’m talking in circles here.

Well, now we’re busy packing and wrapping presents and soon to go out to Libby’s and Dougie’s for a bit of a party, that should bring little smiles to our tired faces.

29th March 2021 – Writing this out again makes me realise the significance of that penultimate paragraph. Bigger changes were on the horizon a few years in the future and perhaps this feeling was its genesis.

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