Tag: Hayden

I vacillate a lot or maybe not so much – 10th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Alice Donut on brain jukebox today. Workers here already dig, dig, digging. Young fat Chinese-looking guy or maybe sumo.

Thai was tough this morning brain not ready. Stretch stretch stretch – feels good – my muscles are for a smaller body – muscles – 5 foot 10 my body 5 foot 11.

Making bed, so happy and grateful – imagine that I live in this house – wait! I do! We own it but in the end, we are just renting – we are not going to live forever. How lucky we are to be here. I have my room, my books, my CDs – everything. I love it. I have my health (just about!). Can I live to be 300? I feel like it might be possible! There’s things to do.

Wow, many thoughts seem clearer each morning now – maybe I’m not awake yet, need that coffee. Dream… Oh, wait I was dreaming about school I remember but now not sure. The more I try to remember the further away it gets. Time to meditate I bet when I do my mind will fill with ridiculous thoughts. Trying to remember that dream. Oh well, let’s practice.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for everything around me in my life. I’ve been so happy with our wonderful home and with my time together with Amy.

To-do list

  • Find smoking video for Bruce ✅
  • Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
  • Listen – respond with understanding ½
  • More Thai practice ✅
  • Actually draw mini-zine

Another simple, easy day with no real problems at school. George is still talking about conspiratorial faked moon landings and I can’t work out if he is really believing in these things or just trying to be provocative. I think it’s a bit manipulative to try and generate some discussion but it seems somewhat at odds to me with his usual calm and clear-headed thinking.

In the afternoon we met Kevin, Ben and Mike (three French teachers – teaching English) and I felt a little bit in conflict – particularly with Mike who I can’t help but be competitive with. He says things that make it seem like he knows things about me that he thinks are secret or don’t want him to know but actually, I don’t really have that feeling until he mentions them. I need to stop feeling like that at all and not play into that game – difficult as it is for me. I can realise my shortcomings, but can I act to improve on them.

In the morning Hayden contacted me and said he was in the psych hospital after having a panic attack and meltdown. He sounded very upset and it was a little difficult to try and find the right words to say to him. I can empathise with having negative thoughts and self-talk but personally never got to the point of panic.

He talked a little about what the causes of it were, though they are all external and are obviously upsetting for him to deal with but I don’t have a clear view of the whole picture.

I blame myself somewhat for not being a good enough role model and being absent in his life. I do think that I had given him my perspective on these things based on my own life experience but it can be hard for someone to comprehend until they go through it themselves. He shows many of the same traits I had at that age – self-doubt, low self-esteem etc. These are things I struggle with even now.

After talking with his mum to get more background it seems the stem of the current problem relates to his girlfriend who does not seem to be a person who brings him up but puts him down. There’s obviously some conflicting emotions going on for him and he’s struggling to deal with that.

Amy gives me her pointed advice and shows some frustration with me in not giving him a better foundation on which to build and when she asks me what I can do to help him I really don’t know what to say and then, what to actually do. Tough love is probably not the best option right now. His mum may wrap him up in cotton wool again and he still won’t learn how to deal with things for himself.

I hope he can accept that he might need medicinal and therapeutic help and arrive at the right conclusions for himself. I feel a little helpless and useless. I couldn’t be a good dad – just a person with the name, dad.

Nu and Aing came for dinner as Nu will leave on Friday. One by one our friends are leaving. I have just tomorrow to make some small gift so I really must make a mini-zine for him tomorrow and give it to him.

We got that attitude! – 22nd April 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for our Frangipani trees. Blooming and fragrant even in this drought.

I am fond of reading and listening but as to believing, no thank you, I can’t, and I don’t want to.

Anton Chekov, Love

To-do list

  • Finish CDs finally! ✅
  • Look through photos
  • Call George ½
  • Fill in cracks in concrete

Friday now. I talked with Hayden on Wednesday and he told me that his girlfriend had gotten pregnant. I pondered becoming a grandad but then he told me that she had got an abortion. I didn’t really have any reaction to this news – it’s not something I can change or choose to judge. He and his girlfriend will deal with it the best that they can.

I have been enjoying being in my room again though I’m still not 100% happy with the layout – it’s not quite comfortable yet.

Take a swipe at it with a single feather – 2nd April 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that we will go out today to take our cats to the vet.

Krishna descends to this planet every 8.6 billion years and this purpose is stated in Bhagarad-gita and we have to accept it as is; otherwise there is no point in trying to understand it!

Swami

To-do list

  • Finish one more lesson
  • Start that course – now is a good opportunity ½

I taught Bruce today though actually, I didn’t really teach him anything. We ended up talking about Chinese history and how things repeat themselves. I should try and talk to more people – though I don’t really need a high quota to be happy, I have to be aware that I don’t cut everyone off.

I talked with Hayden for a little while today too. He seems to be doing okay under the conditions of the lockdown in Australia.

I watched some of Joe Rogan’s interview with Andrew Yang about Universal Basic Income and I’m starting to consider Hayden’s attitude to work may serve him well in the future, maybe at least not wasting his time and energy on a career that leads nowhere or is made redundant by technology and automation. He still needs to master himself in self-motivation and hard work for himself though.

I’m still confused about my own direction in continuing teaching at the moment. If we move to online teaching it will remove one of the things that I enjoy about teaching and that is the connection I have with the students.

And why waste time working hard when this virus could just stop me dead at any time? If we have only a year left, do I want to spend it in the frustrations of this teaching system? But I guess I shouldn’t be thinking like that (and I am still, very slowly, preparing lessons).

We got that attitude! – 23rd March 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for our month of supplies so we don’t have to go out too much. I love being at home though I would prefer to have the option to go out anytime.

The most beautiful part about love was that you could savour the memory forever.

To-do list

  • Record new TCRAH
  • Call Hayden
  • Write some lessons

Didn’t make it to my room today. Enjoyed lots of reading and watching TV.

If you can fool yourself, you can fool anyone – 3rd February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

I have all the character strengths I need at my disposal but there are some I need to practice more and improve.

Perspective: Being able to provide wise counsel to others; having ways of looking at the world that make sense to oneself/others.

I see myself on a journey where the destination is wisdom and contentment. My challenge is to acquire these attributes before I die. My default assumption is that everyone else is on the same journey whether they know it or not. Many have already met their challenge whilst others are still travelling. So I sometimes find myself being able to provide counsel for others and other times go in search of that counsel myself.

Social Intelligence: Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself; knowing what to do to fit into different social situations; knowing what makes other people tick.

This is one I really need to practice more. I have gotten better at this since I was in my 20s but even now I just avoid social situations if I feel they don’t suit me. This is slightly compounded by being in Thailand where some situations may mean I’m the only English speaker or there may be myself and one other English speaker, almost forcing us to be sociable with one another. Then there are other times I may only be surrounded by other teachers, where our only connection is our profession and conversation devolves into complaining about our schools, which becomes unproductive and boring. Finally, there’s the rest of the ex-pat community who I generally remain suspicious of, mostly through negative experiences when around them previously. Well, I guess it’s a fertile ground for improvement at least. Must push myself. (Today I just want to shut down and sleep.)

Spirituality: Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe; knowing where one fits within the larger scheme; having beliefs about the meaning of life that shape conduct and provide comfort.

I believe life ultimately has no meaning so we must give it our own meaning somehow. These days I am doing a lot of thinking around all these ideas but it is becoming time to put things into action (shaping my conduct).

I remember one time when I was working at the check outs in a supermarket and a regular customer I would chat with was contemplating out loud what the meaning of everything was, to which I responded that life is pointless. She readily agreed but we understood each other that this was a motivation for giving it meaning rather than giving up on it. I have definitely changed my view on this over the years. When I was younger, with lots of time ahead of me, I sometimes thought life was pointless so just gave up on trying to do anything. I’m questioning this statement even as I write when I consider all the many things I actually achieved during that time. But no matter, those negative thoughts were in my mind.

Kindness: Doing favors and good deeds for others; helping them; taking care of them.

Sometimes I don’t give myself enough acknowledgement for doing this. I perhaps consider kindness as being normal so forget to account for it. But there are definitely other times when I think back to times when I could have been kinder and offered to help someone with something that they were doing, rather than concentrating on my personal tasks.

Teamwork: Working well as a member of a group or team; being loyal to the group; doing one’s share.

I wonder if this characteristic is an issue for most only-children? I’ve learned to rely and depend on myself, even more so having been raised by a single parent. I do prefer working alone but also happy to be part of a team so long as instruction is clear and meaningful. When part of a plan doesn’t make sense I just won’t do it. Perhaps I am sometimes thought of as cantakerous because I am not afraid to speak my mind. See next point!

Prudence: Being careful about one’s choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.

Me and my big mouth.

If you’re led around by your nose
You’ll never get to see how the garden grows.

-Volcano Suns
Cool hidden cafe. On the edge of Burma.

I am sometimes good at doing these things but often get wrapped up in myself too much instead. Perhaps people who know me would be surprised at these choices; perhaps they would see me differently. That would be nice to know but ultimately there’s only me that has to live with my thoughts. Only me that can think, and then act, my way to improvement.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be invited for a bike ride by Boyan this morning. I was quite surprised. I think he feels a little more comfortable to talk with me now. I’m happy if he feels that way.

Testing, competing with and criticising others weaken and defeat you.

Morehei Veshiba

To-do list

  • 5 kind things you did today?
  • Catch up on emails and articles ✅
  • Think again before speaking – do not complain ½
  • Write blog entry – take new pictures ½
  • Gym after work

I forgot about Mondays being tough. I think I realised as soon as I stepped into school and my energy levels suddenly decreased dramatically. My annoying students certainly lived up to expectations and it wasn’t until eating some lunch I started to feel better. So I didn’t have much kindness within me.

I did catch myself speaking and complaining before thinking when chatting with Kevin and Said. I have to think of those situations like a game to play. Not to win but to stop from losing by complaining.

By the time of getting home, the students had drained me so much that gym was out of the question, despite me knowing these are key moments that need to be pushed through to make real change. Instead, I watered the garden which was a much more pleasant pastime.

Tomorrow I will be in the city – oh, as I’m writing this, plans have changed. Now it seems I may be able to get to the gym tomorrow – something I will aim for.

Things I will try to do better tomorrow are to not let the students push my buttons so much and calmly deal with them if necessary. Tuesday is a much easier day too. I will endeavour to remind myself to play the listening game when talking with others and look for opportunities to be kind.

Searching for Satori – 19th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Unanswered questions

Where can I add more fun to my life?
What is the purpose of my life? (Why you do something or why something exists?)

SAY IT ALOUD

Gratitude – Thank you, thank you
Forgiveness – It’s OK, it’s OK
Curiosity – that’s interesting, that’s interesting

THE GOAL OF LIFE

The goal of life is virtue. Virtue is the only true good. ‘Excellence’ (arête) of character. What’s healthy/beneficial = what’s honourable/praiseworthy. “Living in agreement with Nature”

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I don’t give in to my impulses (all the time). Despite being tired this morning I will go to the gym as I challenged myself to yesterday.

I think sometimes people are afraid to be happy or to let go.

Lorraine Robertson

To-do list

  • Go to the gym in the morning ✅
  • Finish writing to Chrissie ✅
  • Start editing TCRAH #25
  • Draw one of our cats (find some videos on drawing cats)
  • Savour things for longer

Started off well by pushing through tiredness and going to the gym.

Came back and started finishing off my email to Chrissie which I put a bit of extra thought into and only ended up completing after lunch just before teaching, which then pretty much turned into being dinnertime. I did continue sorting things in my room though. I also remembered to call Hayden but he didn’t pick up.

This coming week should be very cruisy as for 4 days we are playing adjective bingo with different groups of students.

Tomorrow I’ll get a list of students who would like to do extra work so I should prepare that for the following week.

After school I will also go to TLC and have a chat with Nancy about different options for next semester. With George’s advice I’ll also tell her about what has happened with Jimmy.

Why does everybody have to be like that? – 14th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

What 3 things are you most proud of?

I am most proud of all the things I have done with tenzenmen – organising tours and shows are always a lot of fun. Challenging but fun.
I am also proud of the time I had to deal with losing my job of eighteen years which set me on this new journey.
I am also proud of the work I have been doing as a teacher – making a positive difference in the lives of some children.
I am not yet fully proud of my son, though I feel it is coming. He shows flashes of inspiration that will one day all come together to make me proud.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I am able to use my native language skills and help other people to better understand. I sometimes still can’t believe that I am a teacher. I don’t feel any smarter than anyone else, even the kids I teach.

27th Dec 2022 – I started doing Laurie Santos’ online Happiness course (at Coursera I think it was) and these were my starting results. I’m not sure I went back to check after I finished the course. Either way, it was an interesting learning experience.

Accept that change is necessary, learn to accept whatever befalls you and remain cheerful in the face of great adversity.
– a simple piety

piety – strong belief in a religion that is shown in the way someone lives.
virtue – a good moral quality in a person, or the general quality of being morally good.

Every day I feel that I am developing inwardly. Why, then, should I be in despair?

Anne Frank

To-do list

  • Clean up the balloons ✅
  • Move the bricks and concrete base ✅
  • Continue Coursera study ✅
  • Next read-to-lead challenge ✅
  • Dream book questions ✅

Another satisfying day today and I feel like I have a lot of energy.

This morning I was taken aback a little when a girl student said I wasn’t good. She didn’t explain but I felt odd and wondered if someone else had been saying things about me. I tried to evaluate how rational my thinking was and decided to put it out of my mind. People may think but it’s not true.

Then, a little later, by coincidence, I came across a quote ‘You will become less concerned with what other people think of you when you realise how seldom they do.’ Tomorrow I will try to maintain this positive attitude by continued study and practising my character strengths.

Could not wait to get wired for sound – 7th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Things to be grateful for in this school:
– I have a printer!
– There is aircon and fans.
– There are enough resources for my teaching.
– I have a lot of spare time.
– The keen students make me happy.
– I have a desk, electricity, chair, water, board and markers, TV and computer.
– I understand what I need to do.
– It’s easy to get to work.
– My co-teacher is helpful and nice.
– The other teachers are nice.
– There’s no real gossip or if there is, I don’t hear about it.
– I have good classes of kids.
– There is toilet paper!
– I’m learning to think whilst surrounded by noise.
– I’m practising patience every day.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the ease with which I can talk with my son, something that was much more difficult when I moved away from my mum. I am so happy and grateful that I was able to afford technology when I wanted it and invested in expensive and long-lasting equipment.

From commonplace book

He had been not so much horrified by death as by life with the slightest knowledge of its origin, its purpose, its reason and its nature.

Levin, Anna Karenina by Leo Tolsoy, pg 904

To-do list

  • Get new passport photos. ✅
  • Start thinking about work permit requirements. ✅
  • Practice gratitude about the school.
  • Think, then speak. Do not complain. You will be surrounded by complainers. ✅
  • Write to Jochen. ✅

After attending a meeting in the morning, for a 4-day English ‘camp’ (not sure why they use this word) I was thinking a lot of negative thoughts. There was nothing particularly wrong about the items of the meeting but just the whole lack of coordinated planning got into my head. It affects the Thai teachers too as they are unable to answer our questions.

I kept my mouth shut as much as possible and started to feel complete disinterest in teaching in these schools. I even started to question my enthusiasm for teaching at home too. Thailand is getting to me a little bit.

I soldiered on and late in the day Kru Noon confided quite a lot of her doubts about the school. I used that opportunity to be quiet and she talked and talked. She had a lot of useful information though nothing particularly positive for the future at that school. So with all that, I don’t think I did practice any gratitude about the school today. Only having two lessons was a joy at least.

Amy and I both went to the track to walk/run after I got home. It’s tough to motivate yourself so I’m hoping to tie this habit with getting home from work and going for exercise. I feel pretty good at the moment (physically) and able to lose a bit of weight and keep it off. I pushed up squats to 40 and will stick with that for a week or two.

My self-control was mostly tested in that morning meeting and I think I did well and was able to tell myself ‘Shut up, don’t say anything’. Tomorrow I would like to continue this thinking before speaking practice, especially before saying anything negative. I think I caught myself a couple of times today and quickly tried to stop talking or change the subject

Praise to men who have no king – 6th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Prudence – behaviour that is careful and avoids risks
Courage – the ability to control your fear in a dangerous or difficult situation
Justice – fairness in the way people are dealt with
Temperance – control of your own behaviour

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have enough money in my hand and enough time in my schedule to be able to buy myself a coffee.

From commonplace book

Dreaming is the ability to see something that doesn’t exist yet.

Mel Robbins (?)

To-do list

  • Call Hayden and congratulate him on doing some fundraising. ✅
  • It’s Monday. Classes will be tough. You are mentally prepared! ✅
  • You will deal with any emotional challenges calmly. Do not speak until later. ½
  • Run after work.
  • Prepare files for Jochen. ✅

It’s Monday and the classes were tough! But I was prepared for the feelings of frustration. I dealt with it as best as I could and felt pretty good about all the classes by the end of the day.

I managed to talk with Hayden after a missed call earlier in the day and we chatted for a good half an hour. He seems quite enthused with ideas at the moment and seems to be on a better path to planning his future. I did congratulate him on his fundraising activities. He’s not just thinking about himself during these times of crisis in Australia and has found a good way to apply himself in the circumstances.

No real emotional challenges came my way today but I did catch myself complaining a couple of times. It feels like a very fine line between stating some facts about events and complaining about them. At least I’m catching myself – now I just need to catch myself before saying anything.

I have a bit of a chest cough today and time ran out for us to go running too. I had the will but was still a little exhausted from driving so much yesterday.

So I took the time to prepare mp3s for Jochen, uploaded and emailed. I think the final results could be quite fun. It will be fun to put together anyway.

My self-control was fully tested in my classes today and, although I did well, I can still do better.

Tomorrow will be a test as we have a meeting about something that we haven’t really been told about and are apparently supposed to be prepared for. It is quite a normal situation these days so that is something that I am OK with.

I’m expecting that this thing is supposed to be on a weekend though and already prepared for a discussion about attendance as I have already warned them that I will not work on weekends under any circumstances.