Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

Strangers – 1st April 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment 
Are you irresponsible in the darkness?
Shaded in soft golden neon
Does rebellion foment on tarmac curbs?
A target found to all agree on

Hidden in plain view
The many meld into the cosmic one
Mysterious brothers and sisters
Measured in memories soon undone

In dream parties revisited
Eyes locked for a second brief
Know, not knowing
Moments of ecstasy or grief

Soft smiles acknowledged
A metaphorical tip of the hat
Strangers to each other
There's nothing better than that

You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t.

David Foster Wallace

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I can watch the Swans game later today.

I should get out in the garden and get on top of the weeds in the hedge. Do it like the grass, just a little at a time. Do it properly like the gardeners did the first time we hired them, sure to impress, and then they never did it again.

Waiting for rain. First it was forecast all weekend, then just today, and now just during the night. Maybe it won’t rain at all, though the sky looks like it wants to.

Not only do I realise I am like my mother in that I’m happy to be alone, just as I saw my mother alone for all my growing life, and I can also see that Bronwyn consumes herself in her work and happily keeps herself alone (as far as I can see); I should not worry about Hayden being alone or having few friends. I don’t know who are his close friends, his real friends and I don’t know his interactions with them. But it’s in his blood anyway. When I see myself on video calls, I see a carbon copy of my mother’s face and mannerisms. I don’t know why I don’t like it. Maybe it’s a failed rebellion.

Up at 7 with no place to be, a weekend day made special by it not being the weekend. I have another 30 or so days like this ahead. After cat feeding and some shoulder mobility exercises, I walked to Utopia, enjoyed two coffees and the company of the shop cat Piti as well as a visiting neighbour’s kitten. They tumbled, rolled, chased and darted around, forcing me to look up from the Amy Winehouse biography I’m reading.

After walking back and showering, I settled into the hammock to watch the Swans be outclassed by the Western Bulldogs and after the high of last week’s win, consider the disappointment of this week’s loss. The Swans never look like they are going to win; even when they were Premiers, every game felt like it could all fall apart at any moment of inspired opposition play.

Have since been fiddling around with playing guitar, reading and eating lunch and wondering how I will occupy the evening. I’m down to my last 400 baht and may not have money in the bank for another three days. I think I will drink a beer when I have that balance back in favour.

I Don’t Care About You – 31st March 2022

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The biggest news story in the world
Feels like a stunt for clicks and views
A cynical celebrity advertisement
Where all concerned stand to lose

A slap heard around the world
Is irrelevant to anything we do
Don’t waste time on whats and whys
When all you hear can’t be true

Your lives are as meaningless as mine
We are all just blood and bones
Our status is an illusion we live
Our eternity all spent under stones

My opinions as meaningless as yours
Why bother to waste this breath?
Of many a lesson ever learned
We win no awards with our death

6th Apr 2024 – Submitted to RagTag Daily Prompt

If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.

Jean Paul Sartre

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Cap comes and gives me head rubs throughout the day. He’s not a lap cat at all so I’ll take what I can get.

A strange mood today but quite contented at least. Have some struggle with memory and concentration as reading inspires thoughts in many directions, though all leading back to the one place. Me. Concerned I may lose the ability to converse, to communicate. As calm, quiet days wash over me, I have little to report. Will I get lost in my mind? Do we all just thrive on being entertained?

It’s with some relief that today is the last day I have to go to school just to sign in. It is a rigid task that imposes its habit on me and I realise I’m grateful. So, without that stimulus, I must find another focus. 7 am, every day. Get up, exercise, meditate. I must do it for my own health. I should walk too, get out. I will fulfil the desire for a long ride but only once I’m paid.

Struggling through the last dwindling baht of this month’s pay. May not be able until next week, as we suffer the lack of technology, being paid by cheque and receiving clearance on the whim of a bank. Some places we win, others we lose.

I’ve rediscovered, as we do each day, that I’m a country boy. Sure, I love the excitement of the city but I feel absorbed into the peace of nature. Soon (this year, 5 years, 10 years?), I must decide what’s next. Time apart from Amy is manageable but I don’t want it to be forever, at least whilst forever may be avoided. She is still in her honeymoon period and hasn’t had to face any test of her resolve. We form new dreams and make new plans accordingly. She is my other half, my better half.

Sit Quietly – 30th March 2022

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Hold still, slow down all thoughts
Soften eyes and ears
A mind racing around all sports
Bends on one’s fears

Sit quietly, letting contentment in
Soften ears and eyes
Craziness begone, deep breathing begin
Hear the word of the wise

Don’t be a coward. Have the courage to be afraid.

Günter Anders

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have some smart students who make me laugh a lot and bring me great joy when they want to learn.

Getting out of sync with my habits as I’m trying to push out every spare minute of time in the day but pay in the morning by having to sleep a little more. Annoyed this morning that I was in the middle of an awesome (forgotten) dream which I couldn’t get back to. I did force myself to do a little exercise though and feel better for it. Really have to force myself because it’s too easy to do too much sitting, reading and watching TV.

The Sacrificed Citizens – 29th March 2022

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Once there were rules to the war games
A gentleman’s game of death and glory
Now our principles attend more barbaric aims
And the winners may rewrite the story

No matter what you’ve done up to this point, you better still be a student. If you’re not still learning, you’re already dying.

from Farnam Street blog

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the weird tree/plant that was growing next to our garage. It blew down in the storm last night. It should regrow but will take a couple of years to get as big again.

Another day quickly disappeared. Last night there was a slightly unexpected storm and I discovered this morning it blew down our weird tree thing growing by the garage. It snapped off near the base, so it will probably grow again. I’ll tie it up next time.

The storm left a dampish English grey over today and some temperature relief, though still humid. It feels like the sun never appeared today; a nuclear winter would be torturous for sure. My eyes feel like they are stoned, half open and unable to focus. As I write, the sun glows orange through a gap in the clouds on the horizon, with a few more minutes until it truly disappears. See you tomorrow, buddy. I hope.

Standing In Line With The Dead – 28th March 2022

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Hangry moon rising, tummy rumble thunder
Blood sugar doldrums, the thought of going under
A credit card expired, what’s there to do?
An angel walks forward coming to the rescue
Crisis averted, silent applause fills mad hearts
Order is restored and the queue soon restarts
Grateful is the world for random kindly acts
When queueing with the dead
– and them’s the facts!

Being a contrarian in the face of bat shit insanity is a good thing.

Caitlin Johnstone

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see the baby cow dancing and playing in the field opposite.

Planned to sign in and go to 22 Grams but got there and they were closed. Picked up a takeaway at House, which was stellar and did a quick shop at Makro before a second coffee at Utopia where I met Didi, the physio students who also worked at House and Utopia. She told me she took a job in Bangkok and leave on Wednesday.

Back home, vacuumed the house, mopped the bathroom, broke the handle of the mop and did a couple of loads of washing. Freaking tired now but waiting for vegies to roast. Maybe take a snooze this afternoon.

The Hexagrams – 27th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

*Truth, as terrible as death
Yet harder to find*
Is there any proof we exist
Beyond what’s in our mind?
Dark yin and brilliant yang
Blind faith in blind fate
As good as any other man
With enough patience to wait

*from (and inspired by) ‘The Man in The High Castle’ by Philip K Dick

Today, we’re being suffocated by abundance.

Louis Pereira

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to cut the grass in the cooler morning air this morning.

This morning’s wake-up was a struggle but I made it and pushed myself to cut some grass until the petrol ran out. I’m about to go back out again and finish off, now that the sun is on the other side of the sky and due to set in an hour or so.

I didn’t set myself any other tasks and have just been quietly doing this and that, getting things done in the never-ending idea list in my brain.

Amy kept me updated through the night of her Saturday adventures in drinking and dancing, ending up at an Oxford Street gay club and I watched her on video as Runa drove her back to her apartment. And then she is out again today with the girls (May, Muay, and more) and tomorrow again to meet Mam and her kids. Though she isn’t deeply involved with some of these people, I can feel she is happy to meet them in that they have a similar cultural understanding and a concept of the way things are in Sydney. This is something she couldn’t really get with her friends here in Chiang Rai. They don’t understand, or even try to understand, things outside their own cultural context. They want things to be better but don’t know how to work towards it, or are not prepared to put their effort into it.

I’m glad Amy is happy and I hope she stays that way.

I Found What I Was Looking For – 26th March 2022

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Are you too, still searching
Looking to bring love to you?
All the honey-kissed lips
And healing fingertips
Those dreams never came true

I struggled and questioned
Unsure of each step taken
Then I realised
One day surprised
From my dreams, I am awaken

My search now over
And my advice pro bono
Trust in your yearning
Never stop learning
Until you know what you don’t know

Something put that damn U2 song in my head so I started playing with some of its words, and made one up to fit. The limerick was accidental and appropriate.

The only external reality that matters is the misery of the human condition.

John Calder, The Philosophy of Samuel Beckett

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my younger self for at least keeping some diaries. I was never fastidious about it but it’s amazing to look back at what I was doing and thinking.

Today is moving deliciously slowly. I feel very contented. I forced myself up at seven and after feeding the cats put on my trainers and walked up to and around the back of the uni. 10,000 steps all done by 8.30am and I earned myself a blister and a hole in the sock on my left foot.

A couple of Utopia coffees and a few more pages read, I settled in for a fantastic couple of hours watching Sydney beat Geelong and Buddy getting his 1000th goal. Awesome.

Kim came for cuddles and is now lying close by, muscles twitching in her sleep. Talked with Amy a lot. She is very happy after a night out with her new friend Peter (who wishes he was more than a friend but I think Amy can keep him under control). She’s also getting close to her Brazilian roommate, Claudia, who also has a strong independent streak. So she is meeting good people and having a good time.

I am here and quietly contented too. Looking back at old diary entries, it seems to me that this is what I had been looking for, so no wonder I am happy. Of course, Amy and I miss each other and almost everyone she talks to doesn’t understand how we can be apart the way that we are, but it doesn’t really feel that we are that far apart.

I can see that about twenty years ago I was way too wrapped up inside my head and whilst I can still get like that, I have been able to get it under control with much more success recently.

Greene On Keats – 25th March 2022

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This constant need for certainty
Is the greatest disease you may face
Creative power comes from negative capability
Mysteries are to endure and even embrace

Paraphrased, but almost word for word, Robert Greene talking about Keats.

The need for certainty is the greatest disease the mind faces.

Robert Greene

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for Art to go book shopping in Chiang Mai for me and get me five music-related books. I’ll keep them at Utopia.

Another groundhog day, back here at 22 Grams, though maybe Dylan will drop by this morning. I got some things done that I wanted to yesterday and figuring out more things for classes next semester. My morning workouts really got my body feeling good but then I seem to be sitting for most of the rest of the time. I think I’ll do some more walking on the weekend.

Walk It – 24th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Go for a walk, clear out the cobwebs
Dust off those shoes, double up on socks
Blow away at the clouds of fog
Surrounding this bridge of your mental blocks

Take in the scene, breathe deep the air
Fill in those lungs with deep gulps of joy
Think about nothing, dream bigger dreams
Walk it all out, oh boy oh boy!

24th Mar 2023 – I seem to remember enjoying going for walks with Bruno, getting all dusty yet invigorated. These polluted days are not the best though. Come on rainy season! Getting Covid in July really set me back with walking and exercise though.

We live on an island surrounded by a sea of ignorance. As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of ignorance.

John Archibald Wheeler

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my old tired body, still growing and learning new things.

Spent a lot of yesterday running around at the hospital, to see if they can do anything to help with the pain in my foot I had low expectations and they were met. It seems if I want to get it sorted again I’ll have to do it in Australia. Still, I gave it a go here and at least they didn’t find anything worse with my X-ray and blood tests. I got in some reading and TV and all in all it was a pleasant day as I’m hoping today will be too.

I’m at 22 Grams and want to get a couple of things done before going back home.

The Week That Was – 13th May 1979

Other World – 23rd March 2022

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Grass still green, succoured by recent rain
Sprouting from the dusty clay
Freshly unfurled frangipanis
Bursting brilliant, reflecting sunlight under your chin
The silent hills, jungle-covered green and khaki
Teems with little lives unseen
Sun smothers, bleaching the air white
The living and the inanimate
Thirsting for the next sunset
In the starlit night
Your body wears a shirt of humid air
Breathe deep the day gone
As fireflies pulsating dance
Attracts the eyes of confused dogs

Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalising animal.

Robert Heinlein

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that we finally got some rain overnight. Temperature is better and my garden can enjoy the water.