Tag: Hayden

Brisbane is burning – 11th February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The plan was for the beach and then to go see some bands in the evening.  My friends from New Zealand, Die! Die! Die!  just coincidentally happened to be playing in Brisbane this weekend, the end of an Australian tour, ironically, along with an Adelaide band I had heard good things about, called Horror, My Friend.

A late start put us behind unfortunately but around midday, we headed off in the direction of the Sunshine Coast.  Hayden regaled me with stories of different little events in his life as we passed through each suburb where they occurred.  Old girlfriends, new girlfriends, good friends, loser friends.

We made the beach an hour or so later.  It was a hot day but the beach wasn’t so packed, with some good learners surf and long sandbanks.  We floated, dived, talked, waded and wandered.  Something about the beach totally refreshes the body and, to some extent, the mind.  Salty sea air maybe, or perhaps just the general feeling of shared happiness.

And dogs.  I really enjoyed watching various dogs jumping around in the shallows, chasing tennis balls and old broken basketballs, anything that could be thrown and retrieved.  I told Hayden about getting a dog sometime in Thailand, thinking it will be a nice companion and a distraction from potential loneliness.  A partner that will listen without question or comment.  Well, perhaps still questions, such as where’s my food and why won’t mum let me indoors.  We’ll see.

Energised from the ocean we headed straight to the pool back at the apartment block and the couple of people who were hanging out soon left us to our own silly play and games, though there’s not a lot you can do just with your body and a stack of water.

A quick shower and a quick snooze, as thunder rolled over, I woke up again totally buggered.  I wanted to go out to the show but also knew that we would still have a second chance the following afternoon.  So, dodgy halloumi yiros with dodgy chilli sauces followed by a couple of beers back at the apartment and some entertainment via the satellite with some fishing show called Wicked Tuna.  We were instantly rooting for the big cuddly fat bloke with the dreadlocks and slamming the guy who was abusing the rules of etiquette.  And then bed.  Again.

Unfortunately, the beers gave me indigestion and I had to sit up during the middle of the night to let out some gas, which disturbed my dreams.

Never mind, we still made it up at around 10am and headed out to play mini-golf, or putt-putt as it’s affectionately known in Australia.  We were behind some fat kids who were fucking around and their fat sweaty dad keeping their scores, over which the constantly argued as we sat waiting in the sun until the finally fucked off to the next hole, so this repeated 18 times and without realising it, my exposed flesh was now lobster red.  Oh well.

I quickly slaked my thirst with a couple of Hoegaarden’s and we headed to Tym’s Guitars where both aforementioned bands were playing a 2pm free show in the store.

It was good to catch up with Andrew, Mikey and Lachlan from Die! Die! Die! as I’ve seen them playing around for more than ten years now and had a hand in helping get them to China for shows back when I was more involved in those things.  Today though, did inspire me to offer assistance to get them to South East Asia perhaps next year.  Also inspired by my old friends ‘ni-hao!’ from Tokyo currently touring in Malaysia, hanging out with my friends there.  It would be awesome to help out with a tour over there, perhaps do some tour managing if and when free time arises.

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Both Horror, My Friend and Die!x3 were excellent, great ear ringing guitar indie rock that I’ve not seen live for a long time now.  This old man nodded his head, occasionally in time with the beat.

As this was my last night in Brisbane, we did the pool thing again, till everyone left again, and watched as a crazy thunderstorm approached.  By the time we’d showered the lightning was fizzing and the darkness approached in a wall of cloud, streaking the sky.

Hayden and I talked about his mum, my mum, our families, his girlfriends and all sorts of other things and I feel good that he will find his feet sometime in the future.   As much as I want him to get there sooner, it doesn’t really matter so much, so long as he gets there, learning along the way.

Faster than snakes with a ball and a chain – 9th February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

See you later Adelaide, I couldn’t wait to leave you.

I got a taxi to the airport, three hours before take off.  I just couldn’t sit around at the house, waiting.  It was time to start the journey even if that meant sitting and reading my book at the airport for a couple of hours.

I will miss you slightly, in that comfort of a regimen of work and sleep, preparing for these next precipitous steps, uncomfortable dread gnawing at me.

A zip and snooze and I’m landing in Brisbane as the sun sets back nearer Adelaide.  My son, Hayden, is waiting for me with a big hug and we get lost in the maze of car parks and lifts, assisting others who are similarly lost.

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Brisbane is the opposite of Adelaide in road layout, it’s a mess, made messier by the winding river running through it.  It also makes it more interesting immediately.

We arrive at our apartment, ablute, and then search for food.  Opting for takeaway burgers and beer, we sit and talk for an hour or so before hitting the sack in my first decent bed for many months.  Blissful rest with crazy dreams.

It’s interesting to watch Hayden finding his way in the world.  I am now at the point where I just have no idea what ‘teh kids’ (as I call them, on purpose typo) are into these days.  Popular culture was never my thing and though Hayden has his own interests outside popular culture at least he still understands all those current references.

I’m really only interested in old bookshops and reading about history, trying to get a better understanding how we are where we are.  No longer being in the now, doing the do.

But I know I must do the do again when reaching Thailand and I was visualising a day in my life there.  Riding a motorcycle to school to teach English, I want to feel that thrill on the new, fill myself with the wonder of ‘how did my life end up here – that’s just amazing!’  But then also wanting it to feel familiar again, something normal, but not get to the point of a rat race boredom.  A balance is something I would like to strike and something I feel like I’ve never been able to achieve.  Like sitting still, very fast.  Maybe it’s just the way I’m wired.

Today we went book shopping and found a great store called Archives.  If I had the time I would’ve spent so long looking through here but opted instead just to ask at the counter for a couple of books I remembered being interested in finding.  Sometimes I think it’s just a little game of something to do in a place, with the possibility of a little reward at the end.  Like setting a little goal for the day.  The assistant took me straight to two of the books I asked about and I was amazed that she knew them immediately and where they were located.  If I ran a bookshop that’s how I would want to be, knowing exactly what you have and where it is.

The only problem with these two books is that they are both massive and heavy.  Hayden and I struck a deal that he will bring them to me later in the year or wherever it is that he gets chance to visit us in Thailand.  I have enough to read already so no hurry really.

I used to hate reading, sometimes would force myself to read books just for the hell of it.  Somewhere along the way I’ve just found myself enjoying it more.  I read, and have always read, lots of comics, usually alternative and mature comics rather than superhero type stuff, though I am now going through old 60s and 70s Marvel.  I’m not sure what the appeal to me is really?  Maybe getting lost in those world with some hints of visuals perhaps, as I generally only read non-fiction books otherwise.  I actually would like to read more fiction too and get lost in those worlds but somehow real life books are just what is interesting to me these days.

This afternoon I will attempt to write a small piece for my mothers funeral.  I have an idea for it, just a small event which sums up her attitude to life and dealing with problems.

Having Hayden around is distracting me from thinking about my mum not being there to talk to.  I really want to show her today’s pictures of our house, but showed them to him instead.

Hayden is a typical early 20s guy I guess, with what people my age might consider strange ideas, thoughts or views on events in the world.  He does, however, have his head screwed on and shows a lot of empathy a lot of the time.  When I think back to my life at his age I was the same, finding my way, honing my opinions and beliefs.  I discussed this with him today and said I thought that every parent wants their children to gain the wisdom they themselves now have, faster than they did.  To get smarter, quicker.  However, being a parent, being older, you also know that that is not how it works.  You can nudge in certain directions but one can only grow under their own directives.  When Hayden is ready, he will be.  He’s happy enough and figuring it out.

 

Could it be that I’m peeling? – 11th August 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I feel like I’m getting more and more insane! Everything means so much today – why so serious? Why can’t I relax? Feeling disconnected from my body – wonder if it’s something serious or just my stupid self hurting me?

Feel like getting everything completed – wrap it up. Where do I belong now? What am I running from? Where am I running to? What’s the big plan? Why has it missed me?

Am comforted by the thought that probably millions of others feel isolated in the same way. I want to live a simple life – how can I do it knowing all the comforts I have around me? I feel guilty for the world’s burden!

I hear voices that don’t make a sound – 14th July 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Freaking out in my head again – feel like my brain cells are disappearing – information is leaking away. I seem to spend my time wishing for better days, wasting the ones here and now. I find myself in conversations not knowing what is being talked about – my mind snapped to elsewhere. Everything feels fatigued or full of potential fatigue, stopping me from starting anything. Where is this coming from? Where is it going to end up?

Spoke to Mum on the phone – I didn’t have much to say. Felt like throwing up. Felt like crying. She keeps her life going along.

I feel like my major aim in life should be to try to ensure that Hayden doesn’t go through these feelings – help him overcome this despair – but I can’t even help myself!

You see, you feel, you know…you’re waiting – 17th April 2003

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hayden came over and walked into the living room which had been changed around since he was last here. He then checked out my bedroom which had also changed. This though, upset him because his own room was still the same.

I explained that I didn’t want to move his room around without him being there and now we could move it together, however he wanted it. That cheered him up a little.

The initial pessimism though was a real highlight – I want to help him look at situations as a positive instead of negative.

15th April 2022 – Hayden was six years old by now and his personality already developed to some degree. This attitude to change has become even more obvious as he grew up. Ironically, or perhaps not helped by the fact that he has had to undergo quite a few major changes in his life. Somehow it feels as if Bronwyn and I were never able to provide the skills for him to deal with change very well.

He struggles with making his own changes and feels at home in his comfort zone. For me, that feels like it’s holding him back. But I guess I was like that somewhat too, even until my late 20s and making that uncomfortable decision to leave all I knew behind and take a chance in Australia.

I’ve been thinking about this a bit more recently as I’ve been putting lessons together for next semester. I want to open the student’s minds to the possibilities out there for them even with all the societal restrictions in place that may be too overwhelming for them.

I wonder if I feel a greater responsibility to my students than I ever had to Hayden? Is that just my own self-doubt?

Awesome – 6th February 1999

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Email with TLJ:

S: Did I ever tell you how awesome you are?
HJ rang me this morning…..kinda….he was way cute! Can’t wait to see him on Saturday. I gotta come up with some new things to do with him – both at home and out – any ideas?
Thanks for the best night – I’m sorry I had to drag you home. I’m feeling bouncy and full of beans this morning – despite the lack of sleep – and who knows I may even go swimming this afternoon!
Awesome!Awesome!Awesome!
Love to you kitty-cat

T: Hey, I wanna come meet you in Chatswood when you get off work for a few hours.
But I don’t want to disturb you from swimming.
so what shall we do?
Mail me – what time are you getting off work, then I’ll come meet you – and if you want to go swimming, you can take me home.
See ya soon?

S: Miss you muchly this morning……..
Love to be wrapped in your love…..can we do it all again…..everyday?
Next Week:
8th – the Necks
9th – the Necks
11th – Hosemobile
12th – Hosemobile Cat Power
13th – Cat Power
I’m thinking of the 9th, 12th (hosemobile) and the 13th. Can you come with me to any of these?
Mail me, call me – everything me.
You know, I feel sorry for your uni friends at CSC – wish I could help in some way…..
Did I help you last night? I hope I did a bit. And sorry I bit your head off – you can have it back now……

T: You said you were coming to the city sometime this week, but I guess not. I really wanted to meet you for lunch and go see art express. If you don’t come see it with me, someone else will, or I’ll go myself. Please come see it with me.

S: I have to come down for a meeting on Mon or Tues – maybe we could catch the train in together whichever day it is – and I’ll see if I can stay around til lunchtime.

T: You were a great help last night – thanks. Sorry for being SOO annoying, but if you don’t like it, we can make like a banana and split.

S: I do like it – you can be as annoying as you like and I will still love you madly. (But don’t try it….!)

T: Anyway, am keen to see some of those bands (The Necks and Catpower), and if you don’t mind, I might ask some of my tour friends along.

S: That’s cool – why not. Do you think they will be funny about me (or will I be sitting somewhere else?)

T: I think you’ll like some of them (seeing as they’re Asian girls and all).

S: Yes, cos asian girls are intelligent aren’t they?

T: Oh, and that thing you forwarded to me – I’ve got a lot to say about it.

S: Compared with white/white ratio I think the whole white/yellow thing is blown out of proportion. People are attracted to all sorts of particular physical things – thinness, fatness, tallness, shortness, etc – why not a cultural one if it fits that person’s idea of beautiful? Do you think you would think the same thing if you weren’t Asian?

T: mail me, have a good night tonight, give Hayden a kiss for me.

S: I will give HJ a kiss from you. I miss you baby and wish I could come and see you today. I’m sorry if you got in trouble last night. Please come see me sometime on the weekend. And, hey, let’s do lots of mad exciting stuff too!