Tag: George

OK so he thinks he’s a human sometimes, I forgive everything when I look into his eyes – 17th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This lovely pup belongs to some workers at our school. He has a broken back and has to drag his back legs along the ground. He also can’t control his pee and poo. But he’s a happy dog still. The owner seemed to indicate it was himself who ran over the dog to cause its broken back, though we may have missed something in translation. Either way, he seems to be taking reasonable care of him now. His coat is clean and healthy at least.

I would still like to buy him some wheels though.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for these lovely plants in our teacher’s room. They give a great feeling of welcoming and sharing and comfort.

9th Aug 2022 – picture now lost to time (digital lack of care!)

Brain dump

Mid-June, mid-year already, all plans changed but life remains mostly the same. Hüsker Dü – I Will Never Forget You – I don’t know why. Why Hüsker Dü – why do I know all these obscure songs that no one is really interested in these days? Never mind – it’s my life.

Cooler days – wet days, rain. Sticky still – first mini exercise in days got blood flowing, heart rate up, under 80 kg. Can I stay? Get rid of belly fat – still too much. Get a belly like Bruno but that guy has so much nervous energy.

Yesterday was amusing. Life Of Brian reference into Life Of George. Critique of religion. Reluctant Messiah. What is the truth? Does it even matter? JFK. UFO. Three-letter acronyms describe our world. Stupid world? Maybe.

To-do list

  • Compliment – silent wishes – smile ½
  • Learn more Thai ✅
  • Time for zines after teaching? ✅
  • Exercise in the morning/meditate later ✅
  • Practice listening – show curiosity and interest ½

Another day, another 1000 baht. At school, I managed to finish reading one of my books, learn more Thai and felt pretty chilled. I was holding some tension though so that I couldn’t quite savour the moment. That’s ok though. Despite being chilled it was (or felt) productive.

I even managed to start and finish my mini-zine for Aing, just in time for her birthday. I’ll try and do Nu’s over the next day or two. Pretty happy that I was able to incorporate something more creative in my day today.

Also – I just remembered – near the end of the work day a couple of bits of news came through. First, one of my videos got lost in a hard drive crash and will have to be recorded again in the morning. Under difficult circumstances, this could have been a chance of causing a negative reaction for me but now it will at least make tomorrow a little more interesting.

After that, there was some online discussion about having to work six days a week – again, could have had the potential for a negative reaction, but I was so involved in my book and wanting to finish it that I didn’t let it distract or bother me. At the moment it’s just talk and things change so much from day to day that it’s not even worth thinking about anyway.

I vacillate a lot or maybe not so much – 10th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Alice Donut on brain jukebox today. Workers here already dig, dig, digging. Young fat Chinese-looking guy or maybe sumo.

Thai was tough this morning brain not ready. Stretch stretch stretch – feels good – my muscles are for a smaller body – muscles – 5 foot 10 my body 5 foot 11.

Making bed, so happy and grateful – imagine that I live in this house – wait! I do! We own it but in the end, we are just renting – we are not going to live forever. How lucky we are to be here. I have my room, my books, my CDs – everything. I love it. I have my health (just about!). Can I live to be 300? I feel like it might be possible! There’s things to do.

Wow, many thoughts seem clearer each morning now – maybe I’m not awake yet, need that coffee. Dream… Oh, wait I was dreaming about school I remember but now not sure. The more I try to remember the further away it gets. Time to meditate I bet when I do my mind will fill with ridiculous thoughts. Trying to remember that dream. Oh well, let’s practice.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for everything around me in my life. I’ve been so happy with our wonderful home and with my time together with Amy.

To-do list

  • Find smoking video for Bruce ✅
  • Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
  • Listen – respond with understanding ½
  • More Thai practice ✅
  • Actually draw mini-zine

Another simple, easy day with no real problems at school. George is still talking about conspiratorial faked moon landings and I can’t work out if he is really believing in these things or just trying to be provocative. I think it’s a bit manipulative to try and generate some discussion but it seems somewhat at odds to me with his usual calm and clear-headed thinking.

In the afternoon we met Kevin, Ben and Mike (three French teachers – teaching English) and I felt a little bit in conflict – particularly with Mike who I can’t help but be competitive with. He says things that make it seem like he knows things about me that he thinks are secret or don’t want him to know but actually, I don’t really have that feeling until he mentions them. I need to stop feeling like that at all and not play into that game – difficult as it is for me. I can realise my shortcomings, but can I act to improve on them.

In the morning Hayden contacted me and said he was in the psych hospital after having a panic attack and meltdown. He sounded very upset and it was a little difficult to try and find the right words to say to him. I can empathise with having negative thoughts and self-talk but personally never got to the point of panic.

He talked a little about what the causes of it were, though they are all external and are obviously upsetting for him to deal with but I don’t have a clear view of the whole picture.

I blame myself somewhat for not being a good enough role model and being absent in his life. I do think that I had given him my perspective on these things based on my own life experience but it can be hard for someone to comprehend until they go through it themselves. He shows many of the same traits I had at that age – self-doubt, low self-esteem etc. These are things I struggle with even now.

After talking with his mum to get more background it seems the stem of the current problem relates to his girlfriend who does not seem to be a person who brings him up but puts him down. There’s obviously some conflicting emotions going on for him and he’s struggling to deal with that.

Amy gives me her pointed advice and shows some frustration with me in not giving him a better foundation on which to build and when she asks me what I can do to help him I really don’t know what to say and then, what to actually do. Tough love is probably not the best option right now. His mum may wrap him up in cotton wool again and he still won’t learn how to deal with things for himself.

I hope he can accept that he might need medicinal and therapeutic help and arrive at the right conclusions for himself. I feel a little helpless and useless. I couldn’t be a good dad – just a person with the name, dad.

Nu and Aing came for dinner as Nu will leave on Friday. One by one our friends are leaving. I have just tomorrow to make some small gift so I really must make a mini-zine for him tomorrow and give it to him.

I like it when your eyes get big – 9th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Tuesday 7 am – no workers yet, cancelled two days running. Sabai sabai. Just do a good job – a long lasting job.

Hot Snakes in head today. Mild-mannered Froburg, last night podcast – couldn’t get to sleep from tension in my legs – eventually, did – XOX – all Hot Snakes songs are great but sound the same

Why am I comfortable to sit cross-legged? It fucks my back but feels better at the time. Bruce, work today, visit bookshop – I love books – take another for Bruno.

Evidence – I am a believer in what can be known – not so much what isn’t known. Will argue with George over this for sure – but keep it good-natured.

What did I dream? I don’t recall. Talk with Andrew on Sunday – what about? What method – work it out. A Dinosaur Jr. riff – always different always the same – my head is full of musical trivia – nonsense – but so it is.

Finished my jigsaw – meditate on that. Observe. Sounds and light.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the people I have met in my life, good and bad, they made me into who I am.

To-do list

  • Update document for Bruce ✅
  • Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
  • Find 5-10 minutes to meditate
  • Scan some pictures
  • Draw mini zine

I took some time today to learn more Thai and didn’t get to do so much else. Another very chilled day with no real work to do as such. I felt happy and contented and tried harder to listen and get more understanding from people. George mostly.

He started talking about fake moon landings and I didn’t argue against him but asked what it is about these types of things that interests him. I gave him my reason for not believing in the conspiracy and we both understood each other.

The lesson with Bruce was good despite my being a bit tired – it ended up an enjoyable discussion.

I did spend many times concentrating on the feelings in my body – when walking, when driving and there were also a couple of moments during the day when I just felt very contented. I want to learn to hold on to those – especially when we actually have to work in class. We talked (me, George and Dylan) about making classes fun and enjoyable for the students and I have to remember this more as I fell I am a more serious and sombre teacher.

We got that attitude! – 4th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful to be able to sit in this teachers room with aircon and share time happily with other teachers.

To-do list

  • RAK, savour, smile, compliment, positive – these should be priorities ½
  • Can you connect more? ½
  • Practice your listening with follow-up questions
  • Don’t put down other people’s ideas ½
  • Don’t say anything perceived as negative ½

Today could just as well have been a holiday as George, Dylan and I did no work at all. We spent an hour and a half for coffee in the morning, an hour for lunch and an hour for coffee in the afternoon. Apart from that we watched videos and read articles or listened to podcasts. I felt very much at ease today, compared with earlier in the week.

I need to keep working on these points about savouring, compliments, thinking positively towards myself and others, smiling and RAK. I also want to improve on not saying anything negative in a jokey way. I think I can boil my tasks down to just improving these things each day.

There goes my dream, looked good on paper -1st June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Callen the gallon – those were days alright. Sweaty five-minute warm-up. Sound makes a sound – still Heavy Vegetable swirling around all the time.

Yesterday was filled with so much beauty it was almost too much to bear – it was outstanding green, green, green – Amy not impressed by the photos – “it’s my country – this is normal – this is why I want to see other places.” I get it, of course.

Up into the mountains skidding sliding – bemused villages staring. Akha church ceremony – it was Sunday. It was great – very lovely sounds. Some places so quiet, others cicadas like chainsaws.

Gap teethed stooping old ladies, “okay!”, smokers sitting in shade – pineapple groves – where to go? – is this a road? What are you doing to me Google Maps!? Buddhas everywhere. KwanYin everywhere. Miles and miles and miles – could I see the ocean?

Hours later I’m crispy salmon skinned – Magma CDs – play them one day. Das Damen – Jupiter Eye is upside down – why? Dazzling Kilman – must be close by. *

Cooler – big rain – 30-minute blackout. Oh no – it’s okay. Cold nighttime air, can wrap up warm. What are you gonna talk about? Nothing – it doesn’t matter – enjoy that coffee – keep the cup filled with coffee. Keep your heart filled with joy. Don’t fight it, the struggle is over, everything is changing. Embrace it. Gives thanks. Give love. You’re a lovely human bean.

Fatman report

Weight: 79.9kg
Resting heart rate: 53

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that De Lanna is open again so I can sit by the river with a coffee.

*writing this sitting next to my CD collection and perusing in thought

To-do list

  • Take the weekend with you – smile
  • Share your positive wishes to others and yourself
  • Savouring and random acts of kindness
  • Connect with someone – find out what they like ½
  • More blog posts ½

I struggled today to be honest. On reflection I think it may be somewhat connected to my sunburn – it is really bad on my arms and it’s not that it is painful or that I feel hot but I think I just got zapped of energy.

I got annoyed with two of the boys doing the filming because they weren’t paying any attention to the work. George rightly pointed out that it’s up to us to create the environment that we want to see but I was too tired and cranky to think about it anymore.

After lunch, I sat and closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. I felt much better after that and then, funnily, Dylan and George both got tired and sleepy too.

George can come across as quite bossy sometimes though he obviously has the best of intentions. It often rubs me the wrong way and sometimes I’m not confident enough to deal with it in a positive manner. I’m still very insecure about things and feel I have to prove a point. It’s my problem I know

I’ve been writing and reading all these things but still can’t seem to act on it. I don’t ruminate so much on things but a dark mood can be brought on by the smallest slight.

Anyway, I’m putting the tiredness down to the sunburn and the crankiness due to the tiredness. Tomorrow is another day (though the sunburn will still be there).

Oh no, it’s starting again and time will bend – 28th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

image: making videos for students working from home

Sat at my desk in amongst the clutter to make it easier on my back and wrists. Reminds me of an old online friend who had a blog called ‘atmydesk’ – I think her name was Sara – some connection with Nomeansno – was thinking about my tattoo this morning for some reason or was it a dream “of a 6-foot woman”– listening to Heavy Vegetable and things on the weekend but now I wake up with the songs in my head. I’m bad at writing quickly these days and arm is sore from pen holding. Sweating on the clutter just a fan today no Aircon temp is perfect just sweat when moving. Neck is creaking after the very short workout – just warmup really but got my body out of slumber neck is really bad these days “6-foot woman” is stuck now. Amy rearranged plants around the house Tigger rolling around in the grass last night – all the cats seem really chilled these days – makes me so happy. Is my mind already empty? Just replaced with Rob Crow’s music. Don’t remember any dream – slept well – want to sleep more but energised now after warmup workout – don’t push it doesn’t matter – don’t stress about George telling you the best way to do something – it’s just his advice on his experience – it’s not a judgement on you and you can do it the way that you want. Going to offer more help to teachers today. Do they like me? Are they scared of me? Am I not approachable? If I’m thinking about it then – even if I am not these things I can still do something to be more those things right? Put thinking cap on today for video. Gonna be another good day today – just you see.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the cooler weather this morning. I felt more relaxed and happy.

To-do list

  • Try to join in more with the other teachers ½
  • In your mind – give positive vibes to everyone ½
  • Ask more questions for understanding
  • Breathing exercise for concentration ½
  • Random act of kindness

Today seemed to fly past – I managed to get my morning routine fully sorted and will try it again from tomorrow.

There were times today when I felt George was a little overbearing – this is about the way he talks sometimes as if what he says is always right. I think it’s just a mannerism and not necessarily the way he thinks. It was just particularly prominent today. I do envy his capacity to just stay happy all the time.

I’m stuck wondering if I should just be quiet and listen more or say what I really believe. This is questioning me to define what it is I actually believe – that’s a challenge.

I shouldn’t compare myself to him because his confidence and personality aren’t a gauge against my own. I shouldn’t feel down or upset because I’m not up to the same standard in comparison. This is a trait I need to remove. I need to remind myself about what I am good at. Why do I feel that I am not good at anything right now? Ugh.

What’s that quote about worrying too much about what other people think – they’re not thinking anything about you at all. So, I’m the only thing getting in the way of my own contentment. Tomorrow I want to reflect on that more.

We got that attitude! – 26th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the nurse who gave me free medicine this morning for my upset stomach. That was nice.

To-do list

  • Don’t forget that breathing exercise ½
  • More lessons and clear emails ✅
  • Bring a smile to every interaction ½
  • Make copies of passport at school ✅

A rough, though quiet day today. Last night I was awake quite a lot as the mix of beer and seafood sauce played havoc with my guts. I slept in and arrived at school around 10.30 am. George and Dylan were still out for coffee and I think Champ had only just arrived too.

I cleared my emails and started looking at some more lessons and the day passed quickly and uneventfully – my stomach still complaining somewhat.

Something that was nice was that one of the staff there heard me talking to Champ about my stomachache and turns out she was the nurse and she got me some antacid tablets and drink. That was really nice of her.

Amy talked to me a lot tonight about how she’s been feeling these last few days as she has been upset with her friend Aor and the way she behaved on the weekend. I listened attentively and used the breathing exercise to help with concentrating and found it quite effective.

I also ‘taught’ Bruce tonight but we mostly ended up just in conversation about various topics. I enjoy talking with him actually but wonder how much better off he might be with a teacher who actually knows what they are doing. But perhaps this style suits him too as he needs to put in extra effort by himself which he has little spare time for – so just practising talking is good for him.

Tomorrow I expect to be back on form and keep on with the things I missed this morning such as meditating, writing and weights.

They just want your consciousness – 25th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A long time since writing in this book now a stream of consciousness writing exercise to let out all thoughts smoky air coughing up blood sore throat sweaty after a workout, well a five minute warmup anyway. Fan whirring. Door open ugh smoky air cats all safe no snake sightings. Unfinished jigsaw in front of me I enjoyed a few hours yesterday cats and books great idea for a picture. Pink gym ball I should do some situps no dream to remember right now messages coming on the phone. Meditate which first? meditate or situps many little things waiting to be done middle mass phrase Crayon Shin Chan’s little penis! Why? I don’t know but it made me laugh for a hundred Baht. Coffee! Yes, bad coffee but good caffeine. Smiling faces show teeth. Friends to be made no time to be grumpy how far do my thoughts extend before they run out or slow down. This exercise is slowing down my brain and speed of thinking – is that the purpose? Sit up straight soft seat. Tough hard wood at school. What will the day bring? Either way it will be okay – another day. I enjoy being around nicer people – that’s what I should be – nice – to everyone.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my calm this weekend. It has maintained my happiness when I could have been upset and angry.

To-do list

  • Listen carefully, practice breathing exercise
  • Take this happiness to work and bring it home again ✅
  • In free time at school – clear emails
  • Convert jpgs to docs – check the first lessons again ✅
  • Go to immigration ✅

Maintained my happiness throughout the day – and it was a very easy day. We had nothing to do – I wrote some more lessons but very lazily. I was nice to everyone and think I gave off enough of a positive vibe – I could always do better though.

Tonight, Nu, Aing and Mink came over – it’s Mink’s last night here so we bid him farewell. He’s a nice kid – very thoughtful – sometimes too much, so, he reminds me of me quite a lot at that age.

Tomorrow George is really excited that we might video record all the teachers singing ‘Happy’. It will be fun I really have to push myself to be in that frame of mind. Can I do it?

We got that attitude! – 21st May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for opportunities and choices. Last night Takky asked again if I would be interested in teaching with him and Alan at Tessaban 6. It’s good to have options.

To-do list

  • Enjoy the day again – not much for me ✅
  • Meditate and exercise – get up early ✅
  • Can you do morning pages? The quiet voice?
  • Drink more water ½

I got up early and did some weights and stretching, as well as a quick meditation. I felt pretty good but was a bit down and subdued when I got to work. I was still thinking about last night and my worry about Amy drinking too much sometimes.

I was a bit snappy with George too. He has been so helpful for me and Dylan and introducing us to the school. Today I got a bit annoyed at him telling us the best way to do something and felt like I wanted to assert myself a little so I can show a little independence. That was all well and good but I’m not as good a subtle craftsman with words and expression as he is and I worry that I upset him a little.

I still struggle to think carefully about how my words come out and how they might be received. I’m not yet quick enough to work out a better way of expressing my assertions.

I also think that my grumpiness is caused by the discussion last night about the possibility of working with Takky and Alan. They make a good option for doing meaningful work in their school but it would mean working a lot harder than I do right now and my preference is to work less and less! It is nice to receive praise from them but I also still doubt my own abilities.

Ellen has also been talking about teaching online through students she finds for me and she talked about how competitive it is now. She asked me what my main skills were and I really wasn’t sure what to say! I don’t really know what they are!

I often feel like I can’t really do anything until I’m actually doing it and even then when I get praise, it’s still not enough to give me confidence.

I met Kru Tang this morning and she mentioned that Kru Boe missed me a lot and Tang said Boe cried about what happened with me at the school last year. One thing that has come out of that is that things seem to have improved there quite a lot and it seems to be a result of my efforts and sacrifice there.

I did feel good about that but it’s not the kind of situation I want to find myself in again and the offer to work with Takky and Alan could prove to end up the same (or is that just my anxiety speaking?).

George says I like to play mind games, implying that I think too much about some things. I don’t know. I guess I’ll think about that too.

Tomorrow I’ll try to think how to be assertive in a more gentle manner – and listen first, in full, before deciding what action I want to take.

We got that attitude! – 20th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to work with George and Dylan at CRPAO this semester. I think we will have a lot of fun.

To-do list

  • Zoom with Ellen
  • Enjoy the role playing today ✅
  • Another article for Bruce
  • Some more Inner Engineering

The day at school actually went to plan and the evening at home didn’t at all! But that’s OK. These things happen and it’s nothing to get beat up over.

Amy and Takky and Amy’s dad were drunk by the time I got home and everyone was in a happy mood so I hung out and played with Ritchie (Takky’s dog).

I worry sometimes about Amy hurting herself when she’s drunk – she also gets a little maudlin and down. I like to drink too and have a good time but recently I just haven’t felt like it so much. We did on Friday and had a great time but it’s getting harder for me to do it on school nights.