High in the North in a land called Svithjod there is a mountain. It is a hundred miles long and a hundred miles high and once every thousand years a little bird comes to this mountain to sharpen its beak. When the mountain has thus been worn away a single day of eternity will have passed
Hendrik Willem Van Loon, The Story of Mankind
That little bird is our lives. Dwarfed by the magnificence of time.
We are small and insignificant. Not individual, not a group, nor a race. Not a society, a species or a thought from God. We are nothing.
The dinosaurs, the mammoths, the pharaohs, the sultans and kings, the inventors, the thinkers and philosophers, the builders, the masters and slaves, the writers, the historians, the celebrities, the murderers, the saints and the despots. You and me. Nothing.
What will you do with this information?
Our floating houses on molten granite Our liquid planet, it is a home for us all I’m firmly planted, my earth is solid I feel a presence but there is nothing at all I wanted something, down here is something It’s really something but there is nothing at all
‘Slowly Melting’ by Nomeansno
The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #34
Music from Tipographica, Keukhot, Chui Wan, 400 Blows, Lifter Puller, Mazaj, Geronimo, Unknown, Pell Mell, Opal, Child Bite and Debile Menthol.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the space we have in our house and garden. We can move furniture around and reinvent ourselves, change our views.
To-do list
Talk to George ✅
Record TCRAH
One more lesson plan
Record more 1994ever for blog ✅
Write a short blog post ✅
Almost didn’t make it out to my room but somehow managed to motivate myself. I am slowly completing things, whether it is sorting out bits and pieces from my past, things I’d intended to do for a long time, reading books, watching movies and TV series, sorting out my CDs etc. So at least I have a sense of achievement.
I’m reminded of when I was about 10 or 11 years old and used to ‘race’ my Matchbox car collection and keep tables of which was fastest and kept all sorts of statistics about them. I was already organising my mind, putting things in order, sleeping everything straight.
I can pinpoint other instances of this at various times during my youth actually. Looking through old diaries has triggered some deep recollections which is interesting. I’m testing myself to see what else is hidden away in there.
I am so happy and grateful for my Gloomy Bear mug which I’ve had for many years now. It reminds me of my past and my happy history.
To-do list
Must finish that lesson in the morning. ✅
Don’t watch TV until the afternoon.
Sort more CDs. ½
(It’s Friday now!) Finally, I have a little return of motivation.
Yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary and we had a nice time at home, having spent time preparing a nice environment, as if we were out somewhere more fancy than our dining room. Amy did most of it with me working under direction. She has a good eye for design and detail. 10 years – mostly happy and content. Any rough rides smoothed over by our caring natures.
I finally finished another lesson plan, sorted some CDs and did one or two other things in my room. Tomorrow I’m thinking of playing some video games but wondering how much of a time suck that will be. If it’s a time suck that brings happiness then it’s not a big deal.
In the morning I also want to talk with George and see what his thoughts are on teaching online. I’m not sure how it will work when we have to encourage speaking. I’ve been writing my plans for students to work in pairs. How can that work? I’m curious about the possibilities though. It could be good in the way of learning new methods and developing ideas around the technology.
We wake up in the morning fresh and ready to go and by the end of the day, we are covered in dust. The dust of emotions, of work, of stress, of everything.
– Daily Stoic email
Most days disappear too fast. I was busy – busy with what? I set myself small goals and challenges and cross them off at nightfall. The next day, do it again. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I am a machine and the dust gets in. Wash it away, wash this out of my life.
Talking of dust, it hasn’t rained here for 6 months, the land is cracking, grass clings to life but the jungle can still prevail. It doesn’t matter what gets thrown at it.
The sight of a big rat running around hopefully means the snakes are gone for now. Our lazy cats bring us gifts of small lizards and small birds, blood trailed across the kitchen floor.
Each evening we water the plants and trees, the sun red over the mountains, barely penetrating the thick smoke blown down from Myanmar and Laos. This is still the Wild East – laws often meaningless, common moral duties not learned in the chaos of the education systems.
We live in dust, breathe it in, poison for the lungs. But, we live.
A wise man said that you can’t step in the same stream twice, But I find that wet feet soon get caked with sand and grit, that’s very unpleasant, especially between the toes…..
nomeansno
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to go outside again. It was weird to be outside again after two weeks at home.
To-do list
Record another TCRAH and finish off upload details ✅
Express your gratitude and happiness to see people ½
Do not judge people ✅
Finish installing Powerpoint ½
Chinese drawing
My first day outside in 2 weeks. It felt a little strange as I was riding to Utopia and this feeling of freedom and being able to go anywhere. It was good to catch up with everyone there – I think I should try and talk more with everyone who works there, maybe they think that I am not that friendly.
Anyway, the air quality sucks so it was back home and indoors again. For some reason, I woke up and got up at six thirty so actually managed to do a few things before even going out for coffee.
At around 10.30 it’s usually too hot and sunny to be outside but with the smoke so thick there’s an apocalyptic colour to the sky and only a vague idea of where the sun is. It was still hot but I took the opportunity to water our suffering plants and trees.
A trip out for lunch and re-stocks at Makro and I got a lot more done in the afternoon.
Back to school tomorrow. I want to try and maintain this good feeling I’ve had for the last two weeks even if having to deal with difficult people. This is my test.
I would like to go and help George with some lesson planning but I have a feeling that the lack of communication last week will end up getting dumped back on me in the morning (I was originally told that I would be able to start preparations back at CRPAO at this time). Oh well – let’s see how it goes and I’ll attempt to think before I speak.
Remember – things you can control and things you can’t control.
I am so happy and grateful for my psychiatrist who prescribes me my medicine. Can I live without it?
Forgiveness is choosing to not let negative events of the past define how you feel about someone or something in the present.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Finish Chinese drawing.
Eye-gaze practice – so difficult! ½
Stay calm. Talk less. ½
Staple exam papers. ✅
Focus on colours today ½
Stayed calm but talked quite a bit with Said and George.
Occasionally focused on colours and tried to remember about eye gazing. It’s really uncomfortable though!
I stayed calm during a difficult lesson this morning but some of the smarter kids had a great idea to go outside and finish the lesson and it worked out really well.
My other lesson was fine and I spent a couple of hours talking with George. I really look up to his way of thinking and want to push myself to end up like that too. I found myself interrupting him in conversation sometimes though and must try not to do that, and to really listen to what he is saying rather than just waiting to say the thing I want to say.
I felt a bit rejuvenated after that though not having any proper lunch made me tired as I got home. I did, however, feel some relief at it being the end of the working week for me.
Tomorrow I will use the time on the plane to read and meditate.
It was a weekend of dying. In the morning, Kimi, my great friend in Kuala Lumpur passed away at the too young age of 36. In the afternoon our neighbour’s grandfather passed away at the ripe old age of 90.
My one aim in life was to live longer than my father, something which I managed to surpass in the last year or so. My father died when I was just 18 months old; lung cancer, after a lifetime of being advertised to the health benefits of smoking. It’s difficult to gauge exactly what effect that event had on my life but it is surely significant. Death was a part of my life from the beginning.
One of my earliest memories is aged 4, sitting up in my bed, crying my eyes out, knowing that one day I would die. I couldn’t believe it. What was this thing called life all about if you just ended up dying?
Whilst I was sitting around crying for my friend far away, feeling useless, the neighbours were busy making preparations.
Could I get to KL to be with everyone? What kind of funeral ceremonies do my Muslim friends have? Are they celebrations of someone’s life or sombre occasions like in most of the west?
I’ve become somewhat familiar with Thai funerals unfortunately. Many of Amy’s family are at that age when funerals come along more often. I’m also getting to the age when more and more friends will leave too. And it will be my turn sooner than I’d like too.
In the smaller villages of Thailand it is still traditional to keep the body in the home for around 5 days before cremation. I’m not sure about burial here. All the funerals I have attended have been cremations and the only places I have seen graves are for people with Chinese backgrounds. I think burial should only really be used if a tree is planted along with the body which I know has started to become more popular in some places and seems to make a lot of environmental sense.
Gatherings, food, prayers and respects are shown by visitors to the home, from relatives and the local residents. Family spread out all over the country will drive back to attend. As this grandfather was 90 years old and his family have lived in the village his whole life it was due to be a big turnout. So big that local farmers where hired to clear the jungle land opposite our house to make an impromptu car park. There were some big rats living in there that were quickly grabbed by the locals and I don’t want to guess what for.
Huge gazebos were erected, a PA system bigger than Motorhead (every house seems to own huge PAs – even worse when combined with their Karaoke machines!) Each night for 5 nights, crowds would gather, monks would chant, food would be served until on the final day a huge silver decorated cart would take the body off to the crematorium, followed by everyone as it spiralled through the village.
I sat through an hour or so each night of chanting and it was quite meditative and mesmerising, especially as I was often lost in thought for my friend Kimi. I then struggled through another night of a chief monk talking. I didn’t struggle with his words, though I didn’t understand anything, it was the crappy plastic chairs playing havoc with my back and posture. The monk was hilarious, the crowd often erupting into laughter and I could feel the ease within everyone. He even joked about me and was sad that I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Of course the whole crowd turned to look at me. I think I’m just know locally as ‘that farang’ who lives here. Amy translated a lot for me so I got some of the fun. At the end the monk opened up his homemade accoutrements to make a little extra cash. People gotta eat I guess.
In contrast, I finally heard what happened to Kimi and discovered that Muslim tradition requires the body to be buried as quickly as possible. I don’t know what kind of ceremonies happen around that and I’m guessing not everyone in his family would have been able to attend this.
Kimi had been finalising some concerts for some European bands and the Kuala Lumpur concert will happen this coming weekend. I will fly down to meet Kimi’s wife and all our mutual friends. I will treat the concert somewhat as a memorial to my great friend.
These coincident deaths have obviously brought sharply into focus thoughts around death but as I wrote last time, these thoughts are still confusing. I’m still processing it all.
I’m very grateful to have made friends with Kimi 12 years ago and to have felt such a connection that we remained in contact over this time, worked together often and I visited him many times and he always showed me his big heart; giving me excruciating massages, taking me jungle river swimming and one time directing me into the ocean filled with jellyfish – a story that is repeated for everyone on every visit. He didn’t piss on my jellyfish sting but I know he would’ve if I had asked him.
23 years, 26 years, 52 years, 90 years. It’s not enough for anyone. Soon, all our names will be forgotten, let’s remember whilst we can.
Come hither, my lads, with your tankards of ale, And drink to the present before it shall fail; Pile each on your platters a mountain of beef, For ’tis eating and drinking that bring us relief: So fill up your glass, For life will soon pass; When you’re dead ye’ll ne’er drink to your king or your lass! Anacreon had a red nose, so they say But what’s a red nose if ye’re happy and gay? Gad split me! I’d rather be red whilst I’m here, Than white as a lily and dead half a year! So Betty my miss, Come give me a kiss; In hell there’s no inkeeper’s daughter like this! Young Harry, propp’d up just as straight as he’s able, Will soon lose his wig and slip under the table, But fill up your goblets and pass ’em around Better under the table than under the ground! So revel and chaff As ye thirstily quaff: Under six feet of dirt ’tis less easy to laugh! The fiend strike me blue! I’m scarce able to walk, And damn me if I can’t stand upright or talk! Here, landlord, bid Betty to summon a chair; I’ll try home for a while, for my wife is not there! So lend me a hand I’m not able to stand But I’m gay whilst I linger on top of the land!
Drinking Song from the “Tomb” by Rudimentary Peni
Salut!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the people I know, my acquaintances. Their part in my life is small but still valuable.
To-do list
More contemplating death videos (and contemplate) ½
Write blog post ✅
What do you want to WOOP?
Clear emails ½
Finish TCRAH 28 and WDS spreadsheet ½
I lost my cool again this morning when Joe sent me a message that the school had complained about me but he didn’t say exactly what. I was a bit shocked and could only guess it was Jimmy who sent the complaint. I tried to stay calm but the anger and upset overwhelmed me very quickly.
I was smart enough to send messages to Amy and George in the hope of a swift reply with some encouragement. Unfortunately, they didn’t get to me in time before talking with Kru Tam and I had to cut that short cos I could feel myself about to cry. I felt disappointed that I did that.
I’ve kept telling myself to stop and wait before talking but I can’t tell myself when I’m in the middle of these fits.
George calmed me down a little with some humour and Amy really calmed me later too. Luckily before I did anything stupid.
Later I also found out what the complaints were actually about but they were so silly that I had to ask what it was all really about. Joe (at TLC) replied that someone there obviously doesn’t like me and it’s stirring things up.
There are too many stupid people in the world. I know I’m probably one too. It can really get you down. But everyone actually made me feel pretty happy by the middle of the morning so that I actually felt pretty proud of myself that I had actually handled things pretty well. Just that I want to not even reach the point of anger and upset at all.
The rest of the week is very easy teaching wise so I’ll relax a little and see what tasks I can accomplish in my spare time.
Music from Magma, Sir Millard Mulch, Big Grump, Chemicals Made From Dirt, Vulk, El Rass, Les Baxter, Converge, Pile, Djang San, Honeymoon Killers, Monkees, The Misunderstood, Half Man Half Biscuit, Bondage Fruit, Moving Targets, 2227.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and thankful to George and Bee to be good friends we have made in Chiang Rai.
Those who don’t pay attention to their own thoughts and know their own minds are bound to be unfulfilled in life.
Donald Robertson
To-do list
Contemplate your death ½
Upload and record TCRAH ✅
Enjoy teaching today (stay in the moment) ½
WDS spreadsheet
Card for Tian ✅
My belly was giving me trouble today due to the chilli and alcohol mix last night. Despite that, the day passed happily enough. I even managed to ‘meditate’ for 30 minutes. I put the word in quotes as I wasn’t fully able to calm my mind, though I did relax and feel better after it.
In the morning I was quite tense but I think it was the effect of the coffee. Usually, I’m ok but not this morning.
I struggled through making another TCRAH episode but I persevered and did it. I was quite happy with myself.
I did, at various times during the day, remind myself that I may die at any time and I felt a strange feeling in my chest that focused me back in the moment. However, it merely reminded me of all the many things I want to get sorted in my room and I soon started back on that.
Tomorrow I will go and play basketball with Bruno. I hope that it will give me an opportunity for discussion about our views on life and maybe offer each other advice on our lives. Bruno is an emotional Italian and can get overexcited about things. He reminds me of me sometimes.
Whilst hanging with George gives me a positive energy boost he can also be somewhat relentless. Bruno may be a little in the negative direction and it’s not the way I prefer to go. However, it will remind me that the world is about balance.
The cacophony of modern life also stops us from listening. The acoustics in restaurants can make it difficult, if not impossible, for diners to clearly hear one another. Offices with an open design ensure every keyboard click, telephone call and after-lunch belch make for constant racket. Traffic noise on city streets, music playing in shops and the bean grinder at your favourite coffeehouse exceed the volume of normal conversation by as much as 30 decibels, and can even cause hearing loss.
Kate Murphy (New York Times, Talk Less, Listen More)
First, please quiet the noise in my head.
The events of this past week have put me in a spin. Even as the sadness recedes somewhat, images pop up randomly, memories flicker; a pre-tear feeling appears in my chest and throat but is soon countered by my rationality and tucked back away.
While my mind wanders less there is a lack of clarity around my thoughts. A directionless, purposeless meandering. This is a different feeling to the one I was experiencing previously. Where I could sit in my class and concentrate with students running, shouting and screaming. Now it drives me crazy.
All this adds up to limit my engagement, to cloud my listening ability. I can hear but I’m not listening.
Listening is a difficult skill to master. Made even more complicated by the sound-byte outrages of social media culture. I don’t feel that I have ever been able to listen properly. I want to practice the quietening of my own thoughts and be more fully engaged, whether in conversation, in watching videos and movies and to attempt that euphoric emotion when really listening to music.
I keep reminding myself to talk less, to shut up a little. Not to jump into what I want to say, to make my point or to win the argument. Just listen. And think.
Damn, this was hard to write today. It’s probably reflected in the scattered approach and execution. But every day I accept the challenge. Put words down on paper. Get thoughts out. Think, until clarity.
Hello and welcome to inconclusive arguments in today’s conference we have a psychologist, a guru, an athlete, a freak, a scientist, a dictator, an anarchist, a mass murderer, a composer, a human vegetable, and a complete outsider. let’s open the discussion with you, er huh what gives? that look of revelation on the athlete’s face – the complete outsider is the centre of attention – just what is the human vegetable doing to the psychologist, the freak is eating the mass murderer, o my god terrifying vistas of reality and our position therein are being opened up to us all, this is the worst thing that’s happened to mankind and in the studio they’ve opted for a new dark age but your commentator has gone stark staring mad.
New Dark Age by Rudimentary Peni
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have put myself on a better path. It’s a struggle but it will be worth it.
To-do list
Speak less – listen more – do not complain ½
Write a blog post ✅
Check George’s lesson plan again ✅
Do body scan and breathing concentration ½
WOOP ✅
A slightly disrupted day lessons-wise but at least it meant I only really taught one lesson so it was very easy.
I took some time to read before we went out for dinner and then later meeting Bee and George. Had a few drinks together but got the feeling that everyone was a little too tired to really relax and fully enjoy the night. I, myself, really struggled to get some thoughts out on the blog and I was writing about how confusing and unclear my thinking has been since Kimi passed.
I also started reading more about the Stoic contemplation of death which is something more on my mind now.
And now, slightly hungover, it’s a little difficult to find words.
Today I will attempt to remind myself that I may die tonight in an effort to push myself back into the moment.
I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to apply to a new school today. I’m hopeful I can make a good impression
Within that head of yours is all the reason and intelligence you need. Make sure your mind is in charge, not your emotions.
Daily Stoic Journal
To-do list
Print out the InFocus lesson plan content ✅
Listen and take notes at the interview ✅
Better prepare for Bruce’s lesson (30 mins) ✅
Check stoicism units on FB ✅
Write a blog post
I felt pretty good going into today and even getting thrown an extra class suddenly didn’t bother me too much.
The morning flew by enjoyably enough and the interview at CRPAO went well and then chatted with George for a couple of hours so by the time I got home I was feeling pretty good.
I still occasionally think about Kimi and it almost brings a tear to my eye (even as I write this now) but I understand that there is nothing I can do about this. I can acknowledge the feeling and carry on.
Whilst my mind has been a bit less scattered these last two days I still feel a little less clear and focussed. I think the possibilities of a new workplace can help me refocus and brush out some cobwebs.
I really want to pursue the meditation practice more fully as I believe that could have the biggest benefit for me. My mind is always full of things – I’d like there to be a little less going on in there.
Tomorrow, I think I will be happy and positive and looking forward to the weekend – as busy as it might be.
I am so happy and grateful to my aching feet. They suffer but are still going. My aching hips, just working. My dodgy knee, my crooked neck, my weak wrists. One day so these pains will be gone. So will I.
What decides whether a sum of money is good? The money is not going to tell you.
Epictetus, Discourses
To-do list
Finish Kru Noon’s card ½
Start picture for Tian
Start spreadsheet for WDS tour ✅
Listen to Donald Robertson lecture ½
Plan to take Amy to OK@Chiang Rai ✅
In a much more positive frame of mind today. The knowledge of no longer working in this school has taken the pressure off but it is making me wonder why I can’t just think like that all the time? I’m hoping that the move to a new school and position will give me the fresh approach I need. I tried to do that this semester and was only somewhat successful. Now I have a little more experience under my belt.
I will have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully, that will go well. I should take a notebook with me and make notes. I don’t think I’ll ask too many questions and will suggest some ideas I have based on some textbooks I found useful today too.
I chatted for about 20 minutes with Fred this morning and we discussed the failings of the schools in Thailand and our different methods of dealing with it. I am quite aware that my method is not the best way. I must learn the way that can keep me calm and happy and at the same time try to do my best for the students.
I’m giving myself another 12 months to see if I can turn things around for myself. I will try to do this by remembering how George deals with things and consciously putting them into practice. I feel like some of the pieces of the puzzle are coming together today. I feel strong enough to be able to deal with things. I just hope I can maintain this when difficult situations arise.
Characters: Donald Trump in the body of a sexy topless non-white siren Rescuer – a full-blooded man with a strong desire for sex with the siren
Scenario: A post-apocalyptic Earth with white people on the run from the rest of the planet’s people. Trump as President was shot and killed but a mind scan backup was quickly made and transferred to the siren by the rescuer. The rescuer chose the siren for obvious reasons. She was just a stupid chick before and now she is a stupid President chick.
28th Dec 2022 – I think the genesis of this idea is taken from stories in the 1994 comic anthology.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to find my clothes washed and ironed each week
To-do list
Get down some notes about that body swap story ✅
Conscious of breathing, conscious in conversation ½
Study the TOEFL templates ✅
More printouts for Khawthang ✅
Finish casing CDs
Unfortunately yesterday I had a minor emotional setback as several things that had been bothering me came to a head. I felt sad and depressed and finding it difficult to overcome. The trigger was talking to Jimmy when he gave me my termination letter. He made pathetic excuses for my termination and it really made me mad.
Talking with George I thought would help me feel better but seemed to make it worse as I compare myself to him (which I know I shouldn’t). I don’t know how he can remain so calm and collected in the face of stupidity. I aspire to be like that too but I’m unable to control my emotions well enough. I feel like a failure, and feeling like that reminds me that I am.
1994ever 