Tag: gratitude journal

I Found What I Was Looking For – 26th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Are you too, still searching
Looking to bring love to you?
All the honey-kissed lips
And healing fingertips
Those dreams never came true

I struggled and questioned
Unsure of each step taken
Then I realised
One day surprised
From my dreams, I am awaken

My search now over
And my advice pro bono
Trust in your yearning
Never stop learning
Until you know what you don’t know

Something put that damn U2 song in my head so I started playing with some of its words, and made one up to fit. The limerick was accidental and appropriate.

The only external reality that matters is the misery of the human condition.

John Calder, The Philosophy of Samuel Beckett

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my younger self for at least keeping some diaries. I was never fastidious about it but it’s amazing to look back at what I was doing and thinking.

Today is moving deliciously slowly. I feel very contented. I forced myself up at seven and after feeding the cats put on my trainers and walked up to and around the back of the uni. 10,000 steps all done by 8.30am and I earned myself a blister and a hole in the sock on my left foot.

A couple of Utopia coffees and a few more pages read, I settled in for a fantastic couple of hours watching Sydney beat Geelong and Buddy getting his 1000th goal. Awesome.

Kim came for cuddles and is now lying close by, muscles twitching in her sleep. Talked with Amy a lot. She is very happy after a night out with her new friend Peter (who wishes he was more than a friend but I think Amy can keep him under control). She’s also getting close to her Brazilian roommate, Claudia, who also has a strong independent streak. So she is meeting good people and having a good time.

I am here and quietly contented too. Looking back at old diary entries, it seems to me that this is what I had been looking for, so no wonder I am happy. Of course, Amy and I miss each other and almost everyone she talks to doesn’t understand how we can be apart the way that we are, but it doesn’t really feel that we are that far apart.

I can see that about twenty years ago I was way too wrapped up inside my head and whilst I can still get like that, I have been able to get it under control with much more success recently.

Walk It – 24th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Go for a walk, clear out the cobwebs
Dust off those shoes, double up on socks
Blow away at the clouds of fog
Surrounding this bridge of your mental blocks

Take in the scene, breathe deep the air
Fill in those lungs with deep gulps of joy
Think about nothing, dream bigger dreams
Walk it all out, oh boy oh boy!

24th Mar 2023 – I seem to remember enjoying going for walks with Bruno, getting all dusty yet invigorated. These polluted days are not the best though. Come on rainy season! Getting Covid in July really set me back with walking and exercise though.

We live on an island surrounded by a sea of ignorance. As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of ignorance.

John Archibald Wheeler

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my old tired body, still growing and learning new things.

Spent a lot of yesterday running around at the hospital, to see if they can do anything to help with the pain in my foot I had low expectations and they were met. It seems if I want to get it sorted again I’ll have to do it in Australia. Still, I gave it a go here and at least they didn’t find anything worse with my X-ray and blood tests. I got in some reading and TV and all in all it was a pleasant day as I’m hoping today will be too.

I’m at 22 Grams and want to get a couple of things done before going back home.

The Week That Was – 13th May 1979

Other World – 23rd March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Grass still green, succoured by recent rain
Sprouting from the dusty clay
Freshly unfurled frangipanis
Bursting brilliant, reflecting sunlight under your chin
The silent hills, jungle-covered green and khaki
Teems with little lives unseen
Sun smothers, bleaching the air white
The living and the inanimate
Thirsting for the next sunset
In the starlit night
Your body wears a shirt of humid air
Breathe deep the day gone
As fireflies pulsating dance
Attracts the eyes of confused dogs

Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalising animal.

Robert Heinlein

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that we finally got some rain overnight. Temperature is better and my garden can enjoy the water.

A Cola – 22nd March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A life born of consumption
My guts bubble in excitement
My body has these nightmares
Of a past now forgotten
Perhaps returned and crushed
Repurposed and reused
When you look inside
I’ll pop bubbles on your nose
Soon my existence will be elsewhere
As another form of recycling
No more thoughts

Inspired by the ‘Everything Is Alive‘ podcast. Won’t someone please think of the cola!?

Unlucky is the man who is born with great expectations and who finds nothing in life quite up to the mark.

John Burroughts

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to Amy’s mum who cares and does little bits and pieces around the garden.

Well, yesterday disappeared quickly, was enjoyable though uneventful. I played guitar for a while after two days of skipping it and managed to nail a couple of parts I was struggling with before. I’ve managed to control my upset when I don’t get it right and can go again and again.

I contacted Champ to find out what we’re supposed to be doing these last couple of weeks and he told me the schedule was done for next semester so we can start planning and he also confirmed that I would be staying. A new challenge though, will be more classes with 2/6 and 2/7, both classes with around 35 students. I won’t get to see my smaller classes as much – only 2 hours a week each and I told 3/9 and a couple of them were quite upset that I won’t be teaching them much – which is reaffirming for me. I hope that their new teachers challenge them as much as I did.

Baitoey contacted me, she said that she was sad because now she will have no one to talk to. I reassured her as much as I could and also talked with Boss again a little. They both have problems at home, which is frustrating to see and desperate for them.

Since seeing the schedule I’ve been thinking about what I want to teach. I think the M2 classes I’ll carry on what I started with them in M1, adding in a little more variety. For M3 (grade 9), I’m thinking about doing some lessons about inspiring people/young people. I’ll see what I can find.

Memorial – 21st March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

We remember you in your brief outing
Though not so many kind words were spoke
But your existence did give others context
As we remember the words of this dead joke

Inspired by the story of a stool, Adam, on which sit comedians in a comedy club. The stool ponders the death of a joke onstage. From the fun ‘Everything Is Alive‘ podcast.

If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, and that is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.

Baron de Montesquieu

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that the strawberry sellers were still there yesterday. I got two big bags for 40 baht.

I enjoyed a lazy day yesterday and skipped most of the things I normally do. I did start out well, though, and cut all the grass under the trees and stopped when the petrol ran out. Enjoyed a couple of coffees at Utopia and then relaxed until lunch time, watching the Swans first game of the AFL season against GWS, and that was a very enjoyable win.

Sport is a funny thing. I think, as a man, I can admire the players’ skills and energy, wishing it was something that I could actually do in other life circumstances. Playing AFL at school would’ve been cool, though, as with my school soccer career, I don’t think I would have actually been as good as I thought I was. AFL is such a great game though. I can still recall watching it and not understanding it at all and a little of that nostalgic lack has gone now that I can discern the overall picture of the game. I still try to tap that naive feeling when I can, though.

After lunch I kicked back with YouTube and Netflix until the day was gone, feeling somewhat tired and unenthusiastic. I caught up on some email reading this morning and considered one that restated what many email/blogs etc I read discuss. It was about ways to be happy and it occurs to me that whilst these are good reminders from time to time, we might actually be happy already and yet somehow trick ourselves into thinking we can be even happier. When does the realisation come and we can stop trying? Nothing is ever perfect and when it is, we don’t actually want it to be. I don’t think there are many people who are truly contented. But I am trying to tell myself that that is what I am, even though my brain juice decides to fuck me up now and then.

The Week That Was – 6th May 1979

View From The Hammock – 20th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A crazy bird is crying
Looking for a mate
Lizards discuss the rain
Three cats carefully sniff the cactus
Before settling to sleep again
Ant armies on an unknown mission
Disappear into the cracks
Dogs roll around uncontrollably
As if scratching an impossible itch
In the middle of their backs
Midges, gnats, flies, wasps
Bees and hornets too
Doing battle for the tastiest meal
Pollen descends to rest on my stomach
As I swing back and forth
Hoping for a breeze to feel
Slung between two tall trees
I’m hung on this piece of cloth
I am the outsider, here as observer
And today, it’s enough

It’s human; we all put self interest first.

Euripedes

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the AFL games again this year. The sport is still played and technology allows me to watch it.

Curse Of The Critic – 19th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Cursing the stupidity of man—
what good will that do?
Criticising all you can
is purely a criticism of you.

Perhaps if you know you are insane then you are not insane.

Baynes, The Man In The High Castle by Philip K Dick

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful Cap and Kim are both in reasonable health after having blood tests today.

A nice, deep sleep until around 6am, my weekday wake-up time, and Tigger started talking until he threw up a hareball.

Got a little extra sleep in before my alarm at 7:20, but had the weekend lethargy and skipped any workout, which all the cats were happy about.

After Utopia coffees, I packed up Cap and Kim, who both cried all the way to the vet, where they were given clean(ish) bills of health. Cap has to go back in six months, just to check one thing, just in case it becomes a bigger problem.

I met Swiss Kevin at the vet, who was bringing his dog in for a haircut. A lovely, long-haired, husky mix, a big-sized youngster with lots of energy and personality.

Happy just to be puttering about at home the rest of the day, thinking I’ll get up at 7:20 tomorrow, and instead of any workout, I’ll just get to cutting the rest of the grass after feeding the cats, and before it gets too hot.

Then I’ll shower and coffee before coming back to watch the Swans’ first game of the new season, watching on replay, and hoping I can avoid finding out the score before that!

The Past Was Someone Else – 18th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

I know I did wrong that time
And my excuses were poor
I didn’t need to defend myself
Or lie about it anymore

Those actions were not mine
They were a me in the past
I hope you can forgive me
So I can forgive myself at last

The dogmas of the quiet past, are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, we must think anew and act anew.

Abraham Lincoln

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have the tools and equipment to do a little bit of gardening myself and cutting and sweeping yesterday made for a good achievement.

Clocked in and straight to 22 Grams this morning, where it’s still cool enough to sit outside. It was actually a cool night, though, that yet again promised rain never arrived.

As it was cloudy yesterday afternoon, I took the opportunity to cut back the long grass on our outside road, and earn myself a blister sweeping it up. At the end, it felt like a job well done, even if it wasn’t exactly the most beautiful cut job.

I’m trying out different exercises in the morning, and feeling quite rejuvenated by them. I want to try and force myself to stay in the same routine through the holiday, as it improves my health and energy levels immensely.

Contemplating what to do today, it seems like I can just go home again, but I don’t really want to yet. I feel like I should take advantage of this time in some way. I thought about riding up to Mae Sai, just for something to do. Up to Pa Hee and Pa Mee, maybe. Still want to do Doi Mai Salong, too.

Talking of things I want to do, I went to go and get a massage yesterday, finally, but it was all shuttered up. I may drive by again this morning, though somehow not quite mentally prepared for doing it today. 

The Week That Was – 29th April 1979

Battle – 17th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The little beast inside
Rising to do its harm
I push it back down again
Before succumbed to its charm

The little devil inside
Always looking to make its play
It takes all my willpower
To keep these demons at bay

So my life is lived
In this constant state of fight
When my time is done
I’ll know I’ve done what’s right

17th Mar 2023 – Self-control has been my battle and whilst I consider I may have mastered it to some degree now, I must be wary because there is very little challenging me at the moment. When the challenge comes again, I must be ready.

Because I have a little knowledge, some are filled with jealousy, others think me secretive and crazy.

Euripedes, from Medea

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to chat with Jess yesterday. I thought it was just five minutes but was 30! I realise I haven’t really talked to her for over a year.

Same routine as yesterday morning. I am here at 22 Grams again after a first coffee at House and a few minutes showing my face at school.

The air is fresh this morning, though you can feel the humidity closing in. I’ll sit here outside, taking in the delicious scents, until I can’t bear it any longer, and I’m driven towards aircon. I’m also mentally prepared to go and get a massage, finally. But let’s see. I’m not there yet.

After talking with Amy for a while, Jess also called me, and we chatted for a swift thirty minutes. She said I’m a good husband for being ok for Amy to stay in Australia. It just feels normal to me. It would be very arrogant to make Amy stay in Thailand and be unhappy. We have to think that we have lots of time, and this is not forever. Even if we don’t have lots of time, and who knows, it could end up forever.

It was good to talk with her, and hear a different take on things, though we all (me, Jess, Amy) think quite similarly.

I did a bit of weeding before it got dark. Can’t help myself.

For dinner, I ate a bowl of strawberries, with ruamitr ice cream, chocolate, and crunchy muesli. It’s so delicious that I want a second bowl, but also about 30 minutes after eating, I felt a little sick in the stomach.

I had some sleep to catch up on too, and it was deep and long, with no nightmares, just a couple of interruptions of our cats coming and going. Feeling good after a shoulder mobility stretch workout this morning. 

No Choice – 16th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Every night I die
And every morning born again
I can’t pretend it’s easy
To get up and go again

There is little choice
Whether alone or together
Get up or give up
And close your eyes forever

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.

Jimi Hendrix

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to pick a bagful of mulberries to take to school to share.

Fatman report

With nothing to do at school and some residual guilt about being at home, I started to feel a little lonely and depressed, so I got up and started watering the garden early, and then came back in and did some exercise, which did the trick, so I think I will try and incorporate some exercise during the day, and some wind down before bed. This should help me maintain my weight better, too.

It was supposed to rain last night, but everything was still dry when I got up. I feel pretty good today, despite having another day of nothing again. I’ll probably get home before 11am.

I brought in a bag of mulberries for everyone and chatted with the teachers for a while before they all disappeared off to a meeting.

I just remembered that I didn’t sleep well last night because I had another nightmare, brought on because of talking with Hayden about nightmares and writing about it here yesterday. Yesterday, I had a fleeting thought of us all having a little devil within us, brought up by a piece written in Philosophy and The Wire, about Nietzsche. In the dream, something unknown was doing horrible things to scare and hurt me and my friends until we became the people doing the hurting and scaring to others! I woke up at one point, actually trying to kick someone away from me!