Tag: poem

The Past Was Someone Else – 18th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

I know I did wrong that time
And my excuses were poor
I didn’t need to defend myself
Or lie about it anymore

Those actions were not mine
They were a me in the past
I hope you can forgive me
So I can forgive myself at last

The dogmas of the quiet past, are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, we must think anew and act anew.

Abraham Lincoln

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have the tools and equipment to do a little bit of gardening myself and cutting and sweeping yesterday made for a good achievement.

Clocked in and straight to 22 Grams this morning, where it’s still cool enough to sit outside. It was actually a cool night, though, that yet again promised rain never arrived.

As it was cloudy yesterday afternoon, I took the opportunity to cut back the long grass on our outside road, and earn myself a blister sweeping it up. At the end, it felt like a job well done, even if it wasn’t exactly the most beautiful cut job.

I’m trying out different exercises in the morning, and feeling quite rejuvenated by them. I want to try and force myself to stay in the same routine through the holiday, as it improves my health and energy levels immensely.

Contemplating what to do today, it seems like I can just go home again, but I don’t really want to yet. I feel like I should take advantage of this time in some way. I thought about riding up to Mae Sai, just for something to do. Up to Pa Hee and Pa Mee, maybe. Still want to do Doi Mai Salong, too.

Talking of things I want to do, I went to go and get a massage yesterday, finally, but it was all shuttered up. I may drive by again this morning, though somehow not quite mentally prepared for doing it today. 

The Week That Was – 29th April 1979

Battle – 17th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The little beast inside
Rising to do its harm
I push it back down again
Before succumbed to its charm

The little devil inside
Always looking to make its play
It takes all my willpower
To keep these demons at bay

So my life is lived
In this constant state of fight
When my time is done
I’ll know I’ve done what’s right

17th Mar 2023 – Self-control has been my battle and whilst I consider I may have mastered it to some degree now, I must be wary because there is very little challenging me at the moment. When the challenge comes again, I must be ready.

Because I have a little knowledge, some are filled with jealousy, others think me secretive and crazy.

Euripedes, from Medea

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to chat with Jess yesterday. I thought it was just five minutes but was 30! I realise I haven’t really talked to her for over a year.

Same routine as yesterday morning. I am here at 22 Grams again after a first coffee at House and a few minutes showing my face at school.

The air is fresh this morning, though you can feel the humidity closing in. I’ll sit here outside, taking in the delicious scents, until I can’t bear it any longer, and I’m driven towards aircon. I’m also mentally prepared to go and get a massage, finally. But let’s see. I’m not there yet.

After talking with Amy for a while, Jess also called me, and we chatted for a swift thirty minutes. She said I’m a good husband for being ok for Amy to stay in Australia. It just feels normal to me. It would be very arrogant to make Amy stay in Thailand and be unhappy. We have to think that we have lots of time, and this is not forever. Even if we don’t have lots of time, and who knows, it could end up forever.

It was good to talk with her, and hear a different take on things, though we all (me, Jess, Amy) think quite similarly.

I did a bit of weeding before it got dark. Can’t help myself.

For dinner, I ate a bowl of strawberries, with ruamitr ice cream, chocolate, and crunchy muesli. It’s so delicious that I want a second bowl, but also about 30 minutes after eating, I felt a little sick in the stomach.

I had some sleep to catch up on too, and it was deep and long, with no nightmares, just a couple of interruptions of our cats coming and going. Feeling good after a shoulder mobility stretch workout this morning. 

No Choice – 16th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Every night I die
And every morning born again
I can’t pretend it’s easy
To get up and go again

There is little choice
Whether alone or together
Get up or give up
And close your eyes forever

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.

Jimi Hendrix

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to pick a bagful of mulberries to take to school to share.

Fatman report

With nothing to do at school and some residual guilt about being at home, I started to feel a little lonely and depressed, so I got up and started watering the garden early, and then came back in and did some exercise, which did the trick, so I think I will try and incorporate some exercise during the day, and some wind down before bed. This should help me maintain my weight better, too.

It was supposed to rain last night, but everything was still dry when I got up. I feel pretty good today, despite having another day of nothing again. I’ll probably get home before 11am.

I brought in a bag of mulberries for everyone and chatted with the teachers for a while before they all disappeared off to a meeting.

I just remembered that I didn’t sleep well last night because I had another nightmare, brought on because of talking with Hayden about nightmares and writing about it here yesterday. Yesterday, I had a fleeting thought of us all having a little devil within us, brought up by a piece written in Philosophy and The Wire, about Nietzsche. In the dream, something unknown was doing horrible things to scare and hurt me and my friends until we became the people doing the hurting and scaring to others! I woke up at one point, actually trying to kick someone away from me!

Uncool – 15th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Oh hello, I’m not cool anymore
I’m not sure that I ever was
I tried my best to be myself
Because, because, because

It’s impossible to be cool at fifty
Forty and thirty too
Cool is just for the kids
I’ll never be as cool as you

The free spirit will be ‘a contradiction of his today.’

Scott Clifton, paraphrasing Nietzsche

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have contacts all around the world so that I can help people with information.

I talked with Hayden yesterday evening, and he was amused at my nightmare story, telling me his own in return. He was pretty chirpy, which is good to hear.

I did a little stretching exercise before bed, but despite sleeping well enough, I woke up before my alarm and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I’m feeling quite tired this morning.

A promised storm never eventuated last night, though it may make it today. The air and garden smell in the evenings is delicious, and I’m thinking what else I could do to add to the garden.

It’s easy to think about it while sitting in the air-conditioned cafe, but getting out into the scorching sun and humidity is a different thing altogether.

The Week That Was – 22nd April 1979

Me And You, Talking – 14th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It was something that you said
I took it to my heart
You don’t remember it
Insignificant on your part

Those words always guided me
As you moved further away
I repeated those words often
It became a thing that I would say

Now I no longer speak it
Just as you have too
The language is forgotten
That made me me and made you you

14th Mar 2022 – I’m not quite certain what, or more likely who, inspired this poem. I had a couple of candidates until I got to the last stanza. I like the wordplay in the last line but don’t think I wrote the poem just to use it!
As for the quote below, I can imagine using this in reference to many people I have met or know but every time I do that with words of wisdom I remind myself that I should be applying this to myself.

It is impossible for a person to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows.

Epictetus

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the delicious-smelling flowers and tasty fruit and veg in our garden.

It’s so quiet at school without the students here. It makes me wonder why we are here when there is little to do. However, I came and sat in the teacher’s room and read my book before coming next door for coffee. As I was leaving, I heard that two of the teachers, who’d been in that room last week, now have Covid.

I woke up in a nightmare this morning. I was trying to get Hayden home. He was about six years old, but had to leave him to go and find the key, which I couldn’t, and then the world was conspiring against me to get back to him, and I was awoken by my alarm and felt quite upset. I pushed through a little workout and meditation, but felt quite lonely this morning.

I’ll call Hayden a little later and see how he’s doing. 

Malfunction – 13th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Malfunctions are a means of education
You must learn from your mistakes
The flaws revealed only in the execution
It’s the schooling that mastery makes

Inspired by Robert Greene’s Daily Laws (March – Mastery)

13th Mar 2023 – I thought this poem had a familiar topic as I had read about this again today. This means I have been reading the Daily Laws for one whole year now. It’s become my habit so I’ll keep going, just as I do with the Daily Stoic, which I have in physical form now and read a page a day in the morning with breakfast.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Theodore Roosevelt

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to Dr Arnon’s staff for taking care of our cats. Tigger reports back in good health. Kim and Cap go next week.

In the morning, the trees offer a noisy hum as a collection of bees feed on the fresh pollen. For a moment I couldn’t work out what was making the sound, until looking up into the freshly shooting leaves, and busy buzzing, making a kaleidoscope above me. These are smaller bees, not like the monsters that come to feed on our other flowers. No sign of a hive.

A longer walk this morning, pleasant, enjoyable coffees, some brunch now, to reading again. 

Fill The Gaps – 12th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Take it twenty-four hours at a time
Meet your ego with hostility and contempt
Your genius admired far and wide
These laurels appear to rest and tempt
Knowing all the things you don’t know
There’s a lifetime left to fill the gaps
You must learn to find the way
By first learning to read the maps

On solitude: That’s just the kind of ‘suffering’ I’m most at home with.

Elizabeth Bishop

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to find my laptop power adapter at Le Paradis today. I left it there by accident on Thursday. I’m grateful to the staff who kept it safe for me.

Yesterday evening, I discovered I’d lost my MacBook Air power adapter. I was quite annoyed with myself because it was going to be costly to replace if I didn’t find it. I retraced my day and realised I hadn’t used it since Thursday, and I thought I’d probably left it at Le Paradis.

I was going to the city this morning to take Tigger for his yearly vaccine and check-up. Cap was supposed to go too, but had thrown up, and didn’t eat this morning, so thought it better he didn’t go today.

I was so relieved when they had the adaptor at the café. I was very thankful. I’m getting a little forgetful, mostly about inconsequential things. I forgot to close the gate last night. A few days ago I forgot to turn the water off after watering the garden. I just hope it’s not an early sign of dementia!

I need to pay more attention to the things that I’m doing, instead of being off with the fairies and thinking about what’s next.

I notice I put on a kilo in the last few weeks. This is mostly because I’ve been at home more often than usual, and can eat and snack at any time. My work routine would usually mean that I didn’t eat anything between 8am and 5pm, and that was keeping my weight under control. I have to work out a good system when I’m at home.

Anyway, I consciously decided last night that I must go and walk in the morning, after feeding the cats, and before it got too hot. So I woke up with that in my head, and walked up to the uni and back. Next time, maybe tomorrow, I’ll walk around the uni too. That should give me 10,000 steps before I even begin the day.

It was a pleasant walk, enjoyed with podcasts, and some pats of a friendly dog. Now I’m back at home, and the rest of the weekend is mine.

Tigger’s blood check is all good, and Cap seems to be feeling a bit better. Everyone is lazy, though, because of the heat.

I found some free online courses I want to do, and will get into them until the new semester starts. I still don’t know if I’m returning yet, though.

I’ve been chatting with one of my students who is having a very tough time at home, and has contemplated suicide. I see her make new friends and she clings on to them, looking for the love that she can’t find at home. Unfortunately, she overdoes it, and the friendships fall away.

She mentioned to me the other day that things were bad again, so I told her she could talk to me anytime. I will try to help her. The only thing I’m worried about is that she gets too attached to me. I will try to teach her to improve her self-esteem and self-confidence, so that she doesn’t need to rely on others for emotional support. 

The New Pleasure – 11th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There’s a devil on one shoulder
And an angel on the other
Whispering in opposites
Whether I should even bother
One looks upon this as virtue
The other as if it’s sin
I’ve got to brush them away
If I’m ever to begin

To assume you are below average is to admit you’re still learning. You focus on what you need to improve, not your past accomplishments.

Derek Sivers

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our overabundance of mulberries. I picked a whole bowl yesterday and they’ve only just started (fruiting).

I felt like changing things up this morning and came to 22 Grams to sit, read, and drink coffee. This is still my favourite coffee, so I had a couple, even after having one earlier at House.

I dropped into school first and said goodbye to the few kids who were there. There was nothing else for me to do there, and I don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing next week either. I should put some new lesson plans together.

I almost convinced myself to go for a massage today, but it’s already midday, and I’m good to go home instead. Talked with Amy last night, and she is so happy. I miss her being around, but I feel happy too that she is so happy. Who knows what direction we will go in the future, but we have many choices, and we’re grateful for that.

Picked the first bowl of mulberries yesterday, and there will be many bowls more. I should put down a sheet and just shake the tree. I might try that today. Need to do some weeding, and maybe the grass at the front.

Also, I have to take Cap and Tig for vaccinations tomorrow. Running out of money already this month. If I have to pay a lot for the cats, I might be in trouble. At the same time, I got a big payment through Bandcamp for all the sales last week. I could transfer that in, though I’d like to use some of it to buy some more CDs.

Buzzing on these coffees now. Time to go. 

Rocking All Over The World – 10th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Everyone must share the drink, from the poison well
To step back from the brink, falling into hell
When all around are mad, the mad are sane
Non-conformity is bad, let the status quo remain

Inspired by another Khalil Gibran parable.

Do not grow too fond of your ideas or too certain of their truth.

Robert Greene

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to everyone who helped me at the hospital yesterday. It was very smooth and easy.

Not much else happened yesterday but it disappeared pretty quickly. My time at home was interrupted by a psych appointment where the doctor commented that I seemed pretty good and it’s true, I was feeling good. I even saw another doctor to start the process of trying to fix up my left foot. I was hoping to get all that covered on insurance but found out it is only if I go to one of the city hospitals. Everyone was very helpful and I was shocked by how cheap it was even without insurance. They went to test for gout but I’m pretty sure it’s something else, mostly related to my flat feet. I guess that took up a chunk of time but I felt pretty chill about everything.

I didn’t get chance to do any reading but did do a lot of Thai study instead.

My alarm shocked me awake this morning and the urge to snooze an extra 30 minutes took over and though I spent a couple of minutes alert I quickly fell back into a deep sleep again – only to be shocked awake again by the new alarm. I want to spend time today catching up on reading articles.

Oh, yesterday I studied a little about The Crucible, which interested me and I’ve added it to my watch list on YouTube. I’m kinda amused by my seemingly sudden interest in more classical things like books and plays. I feel very happy.

Also talked with Amy last night and she is very excited about her job. It seems like she has landed perfectly. Another old friend contacted her to come and work for him, doing easier work and for more money! She had to turn him down, though, because she’s very happy with her current situation. She also got invited out on a date! I’m glad Amy still attracts people – it helps her move forward and opens up opportunities for success for her. Her attitude to life is what attracted me to her. Of course, my personality is not the same as hers at all. In the end, we complement each other well and we value and support each other.

The Dark Empath – 9th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

He understands me
Says the right words to care
He says he loves me
But hides something not to share

His true intentions
Are on cards held close to chest
He uses my feelings
To ensure he comes out best

He compliments me
Yet somehow his words feel fake
He always points out
My every little mistake

Always a people pleaser
To get everyone on his side
The power rises against me
I have nowhere left to hide

I meet his needs
Through his mental manipulation
And he walks away happy
From every situation

His use of guilt
Always bends toward his will
Once I am discarded
He’ll be doing it still

He uses humour
Everyone laughs at his jokes
But it’s me on the receiving end
Of his vicious little pokes

He whispers lies
In believable words of deceit
His crown never slips
He already has me beat

And it is no irony
I recognise myself in him
That’s how I spotted
The dark empath within

Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.

Franz Kafka

I almost snoozed on this morning but forced myself up and stretched my aching hips again. I’m not sure what I’m going to do today. I clocked in at school and came out for coffee. I’ll go back and walk around the school a bit and then, maybe today – massage!

I want to buy some light bulbs and maybe some new stationery too. I mowed the rest of the back of the lawn yesterday which was fun. Fun? Maybe not, but I was happy with the resulting chopped weeds. Should be good for about six months now I hope. My whole body was vibrating afterwards and I struggled to practice guitar later – but persevered for 10 minutes at least. I’m really not good at guitar but I do really enjoy practicing a little every day.

My neck is totally sore from holding the grass cutter so this may finally convince me to go for the massage today! Back to some English Lit study and article reading, crank out a poem and savour the morning.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to not lie in this morning, get up and see a fierce red sun in the sky.