My Own Despair – 5th April 2023

I just want to feel numb today
Don’t need the good things you say
Just want to sleep and fail to care
Just want to wallow in my own despair

I want nothing that can be had
I just want to be happy being sad
I want to punch and scream and yell
Let me remain in my personal hell

I want to sink into a deep depression
I want to be familiar with this obsession
I want to be alone, I want to be there
Just let me wallow in my own despair

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Today I’m feeling:

Flat, a little uninspired but forcing myself through a to-do list I made last night. It’s distracting me as much as it can but little Kim is everywhere in my mind. Thinking about doing some meditation but think I will be unable to clear my mind and all I will end up thinking about is Kim. I’m tired but slept well and eight hours. I’m looking forward to watching the last two episodes of Top Boy and trying to save them for tonight. I’m at Utopia again this afternoon, enjoying this four-coffee high but wondering if I can get back to crossing something off my list or just falling into watching tv or reading. I need to eat too so that should give me a little brain boost as well.

Today I’m grateful for:

The farmers burning in the mountains behind our house. Why?  Well, it looked like they did it when the wind was taking the smoke over the mountain rather than down into the valley. Sorry for the folks that live up there. I wanted to turn into a giant and pour a glass of water over it all and blow away the smoke like I was the Monkey King or something. Despite my comforts I am a victim of poverty too. Tonight, ash is rain.

The best thing about today was:

I dosed and lucid-dreamed, a coffee coma, whilst listening to an interview with David Foster Wallace and a review of The Infinite Jest. Makes me want to read it again. As the conversation phased in and out I felt inspired but when I got up my thoughts turned blank. Or more accurately, they returned to the vacuum in my life once filled by a lovely little cat. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The fires were out of my control but as I mention above I try to make the best of it by imagining they were trying to do the right thing whilst doing the wrong thing.

Something I learned today?

I took a little ride around on the way home from Utopia this afternoon and discovered new roads and paths further into the mountain jungle, where fires have already burned out. There’s lots more building and activity going on. Land being cleared may be for new crops or new houses.
Sometimes I don’t recognise places that I rode through only a year ago.

Who has made a difference in my life lately?

This may be one of the usual suspects. Amy and Hayden. My circle is small, I’m fine with that even though I know it can leave me vulnerable in the future. So for people who have made a difference perhaps I might say Bruno for his friendship or David as a work colleague. Maybe the staff at my favourite coffee shops or customers that I have made friends with. Just their small contributions to my life make a difference.