Humbled to be the guide The servant, the pupil Heart soaring at every breath And pluck of the string
Blind to her own beauty Yet knowing it’s there Seen by others without Seen by one within
As the pale skin burns He plucked out his eyes So as never to forget In his dreams, she is seen
Two united by cruelty As ease in love, together The lark and nightingale sing Until they ascend the clouds
Inspired by A Portrait of Shunkin by Junichiro Tanizaki
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
from Slaughterhouse 5, Kurt Vonnegut
Today I’m feeling: A little bored and tired. Today I’m grateful for: For the bananas that grew in the garden and fed me this afternoon. I don’t know why but it still delights me to be able to grow something and then eat it! The best thing about today was: Talking to Amy and discussing some future plans. She’s currently thinking she may move back here on my next visa extension which is great but I want her to have something to keep her occupied when she’s here so she doesn’t overthink things with so much free time.
Multiplied and divided Grow, grow, let’s go Take over full control Double what you sow Stuck in the blood The economy of fire Divide and multiply Punished by desire Spaces filled by ashes Opportunity comes a-knocking The tumour is a-rolling Pumped by hearts a-rocking Starve the common driver Temper evolution from within Back in white counts The cancer starts to thin
The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.
Today I’m grateful for: Seeing Amy happy and dancing around her apartment in Sydney as she was enjoying her Sunday knowing she can do whatever she wants. The best thing about today was: Sydney Swans making it through to the grand final this year even if it was by the slimmest of margins and the tension was immense.
Yesterday I reviewed the dog Today I review my wife I feel her performance Doesn’t meet the standard for my life She’s got some goals to reach And I will keep on poking Look out, here she comes No honey, I’m joking! I’m joking!
Feed the cats, iron the shirts, wash the dishes My wife has gone with the bestest of my wishes She did so much and I even paid But without her, I realise that I need a maid First world problems, yes, I understand Pleasure and housework don’t go hand in hand Now I’m wishing that my wife had stayed Cos I don’t want to admit that I need a maid
There’s no problem between us I’d never tell you you have to stay We are always together at heart Even after you’ve gone away Our dreams are sometimes different And other times they are the same We push each other to realise them Cause our love will always remain With the latest technology We are merely a whisper apart It may be a while ’til we meet again But you always remain in my heart
I’ve had a long shower And I’m snuggled up with a book I can hear strange noises outside But can’t be bothered to look I’m about to fall asleep The room is dark and black That’s when the screaming starts And when I know she’s back She turns on all the lights And dances around the room Jumping up on to the bed I hope she finishes soon She makes me laugh and makes me mad I’ll always love her to bits But right now I need to sleep And she’s really giving me the shits
Everyone was asking me why I wasn’t drawing pictures of Amy, so I thought I’d prepare a little surprise for our 11th wedding anniversary. I started with one of us together and then ones with Amy and one of her friends. I then sent these digitally to her friends and asked them all to send them back to Amy digitally today. It was fun to plan all this and it got me a lot of practice with sketching.
We had a 4-day holiday over the new year. For 2021 I have made a half-hearted resolution to play more video games! Last year I rarely played anything at all. In fact, I have many things I could, can and will do but I thought it was amusing to make a resolution often seen as negative.
So for much of this 4-day holiday, I gave myself a backache by playing new games on my old Xbox One.
An exception to this was the evening of the 31st December where Amy and I enjoyed a spicy hot pot with the last packet of sauce my friend Ellen delivered from China last year (or the year before….when was it!?). We also sipped on yoghurt-flavoured shoju but Amy gave up around 11pm. We had watched the Sydney Harbour fireworks at 8pm and that is when Amy considers the new year to have actually started for us, her heart still being there. I carried on building cities and shooting monsters and was up again pretty early the following morning.
On the Saturday a few of Amy’s friends and I got together at a cafe on the way to Mae Sai. It was busy there but we all ate our fill and lazed around, Amy knocking back a few Heineken’s and getting a little louder as she likes to do.
We decided to visit her old friend from Sydney who has a cactus farm nearby and he kindly gave us a couple for Amy’s collection.
We had to stop at a shop on the way home so that Amy could grab another beer and she organized herself to head on into the city for more food and alcohol! My sweetheart the drunk!
I left her to it but she came back much earlier than I expected, mentioning about some of her friends who insist that good luck only comes from going to the temple – something that particularly rubs Amy the wrong way. Amy believes in herself and all good and bad comes from within. Thai people are still very superstitious and like to put blame and benefit on things outside their control. Obviously, I agree with Amy’s point of view but I don’t let other people’s ideas like this rub me the wrong way, though I also don’t have to listen to them complain about their lives either!
Before this holiday I thought I’d like to do something artistic again and started off with sketching. I have more ideas for continuing this than I have time currently available – it could be a battle between sketching or video games. I hope to balance this effectively. So, I was quite happy and proud of my first sketch – just looking up from my little floor table where I was working.
Post-yoga workout, meditate. Thoughts focus on relationships at school and people’s personalities. Stop comparing, you are you and you are fine – you don’t have to be like George or Dylan or anyone. Being yourself is fine.
Tigger cries in the morning. My middle back aches, work on core. 10 Burpee’s was tough! Getting up was tough.
Little Kim sleeps next to my butt. So much time – enjoy it – use it. Feel good. Feel strong.
I am so happy and grateful for my body to struggle through doing 10 burpees this morning. It was slow going but I made it. I must carry on.
This one is not a morning scribble but at night and I want to get some thoughts out before I try to meditate which I didn’t do for a few weeks and I can feel my head whirling, whirling.
Step out, step out! Nothing lasts forever. Step out, step out – demolition – look at it fall down.
Distraction. Music is a distraction and I love it. I love my room – my room from youth and now I return – here in my room. No window, ceiling or floor!
Music, music, music. People in and out. Relationships, people – why do I find it so difficult?
Never mind, I think I’m okay. I’m fine I don’t need to find excuses. Inside my head is okay – when I’m feeling okay – I don’t need anything or anyone – except my one true friend. I love Amy very deeply I’m a little scared if anything happens between us but I know I’ll be okay. Everything is always okay. The world spins. And all those cliches. But anyway – it’s not something I think about really – not something likely to happen as far as I know. Out, out, out, you fleeting thoughts – settle down and breathe deep.
I am so happy and grateful to each of my students for the different ways they make me think. It’s a nice challenge to everything.
Imagine a world where children are not sexually harassed by their teachers…
This week there’s music from The Nubs, The Sawtooth Grin, Jesus Lizard, Theatre of Hate, Spermicide, Gelbart, Abali, Esmectatons, Radio Myanmar, Big Black, Secret Chiefs 3, Miss Madeline, George Danquah, Karate and OMFO.
Incidentals taken from the Church of the Sub Genius Hour of Slack. Listen right here or Podbean, Stitcher, Apple, Amazon…..all those cool places I guess.
Empty nonsense in here. Bitch Magnet – John Fine – Your Band Sucks. Reminds me of me. Just wanted to rock.
What is life outside? Happiness – I’m content but Amy is so unhappy. Resolution must be found. It’s easy here for me, my style makes it easy. But I can live anywhere – I just don’t want to make my life harder. I don’t see the point. But we will start thinking about how and when to move back to Australia. I can live anywhere so long as I have my things around me. I have lots I want to do and can be done from anywhere.
Poor Amy I don’t like to see her so sad.
I am so happy and grateful for all my years of life. I’m reading Jon Fine’s book at the moment and it takes me right back to the desperate feelings I had in my early twenties. Those feelings got us both to where we are today, for better or worse. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to be able to look back and reflect on this.