I am so happy and grateful to have so many options available to keep me entertained.
What we believe means nothing. How we act is what it’s all about.
Eckhart Tolle
To-do list
Just Dance in the morning ✅
More CD sorting
Record another TCRAH ✅
Meditate ✅
Think before writing and speaking ✅
Well, doing Just Dance in the morning definitely had a positive effect, made Amy laugh and gave us some exercise. It was a good start to the day. We’ll do it again tomorrow.
I spent most of the day in my room whilst Amy was happily drinking inside – she got the dancing mood later in the evening but then got a little teary as she was thinking about our cats, 2 of whom are approaching the end of their lives. We really love them and it will be sad when they go. But we can go at any time.
I’m feeling more in control of my emotions currently, perhaps because I’m not surrounded by the gossip and chatter at school. It’s very tempting just to quit doing it but I feel I should just keep pushing myself and improve myself. I can’t keep making the same mistakes and expect things to change.
In the 1970s, 80s and 90s, Arthur Deikman warned that many of the spiritual and utopian groups that had mushroomed out of the counter-culture were harmful cults…… He identified four signs of cult-like behaviour — dependence on a leader, compliance with the group, forbidding dissent, and devaluing outsiders. These four behaviours were particularly strong in cults, he suggested, but existed throughout society.
Jules Evans – The soulful psychiatrist (email newsletter)
When I read this I immediately became aware that the school system that I am working within in this country is cult-like. These are government schools where I work, so it makes some sense. Governments operate utilising these four behaviours too.
In this system, preferences are given to the leader, superior or elder, whether they are deserving or not. If they are found lacking machinations begin to move that leader along, often with a handshake to comfort the stab in the back.
Compliance within the group is essential. You must conform. Non-conformity will enable idle gossip, rumour and lies. This will dig deep into your soul until it becomes unbearable. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. (I am that nail, over and over. Yes, I am stupid but I hope to learn.) It is a culture clash that happens repeatedly as teachers come and go faster than they can be replaced. No one learns from this as each party shakes their fists as they walk away.
Dissent leads the same way. Any question is seen as dissent, any suggestion is dissent, opening your mouth can be taken as dissent. To make improvements trickster behaviour must be employed, backroom suggestions that may filter through as if the leaders had thought of it themselves.
And the old favourite – devaluing outsiders. In an environment of education, it seems like it should be essential for everyone to work together. However, here there is a palpable us and them. If you decide to follow the path of non-compliance and dissent you will be seen to have no value (‘you’re one of them, one of them’). The survival technique ensures devaluing yourself – it is too great a burden for many to take.
I am not filled with hope for education in this country. But I can hope that it is only my limited experience and that things are much better in private schools at least, but which unfortunately only the wealthy can afford.
The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #28
Music from Aburadako, Ween, The Fall, Ahleuchastistas, Steve Miller Band, Radio Palestine, Sajjanu, The Motions, The Letters, Abnorman Chaffy, The Ramones, Jimi Hendrix Experience, Girls Against Boys, Marmalade Butcher, Guzzlemug, Slight Seconds, Cinematics, Strange Changes.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to watch our trees sprout new growth. To see the birds fly down from the branches and pick up yummy worms.
To-do list
Practice being nicer to everyone ½
Upload and record TCRAH ✅
Check files and start grading ✅
More CD sorting ✅
Xbox Dance today?
I woke up a little hungover today despite only having two beers last night. I’m really not enjoying drinking as much now, though I think I’m not really enjoying anything at the moment. It’s just a feeling that I’m sure will pass soon enough. I feel like I’m going through the motions mostly.
I did get a few things done today and starting to refocus myself a little and after six days stuck at home, I am getting a little itchy to just go for a walk.
I really want to get up tomorrow morning and start playing that dance game. I must do it. I should dance – in my own unstylish way. It will at least make Amy smile.
I got bothered today because Amy mentioned that when I write to school or TLC my words are quite argumentative, or could be perceived that way. I need to become more aware of that and be more amenable. I must think more about what I write and hoping that will transfer to the way I speak too.
I am so happy and grateful for my lounge where I can lay and read or listen to music or even sleep.
How does it help…to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?
Marcus Aurelius
To-do list
Stretch and exercise when you wake ½
Meditate before looking at the computer ✅
More CD sorting ✅
Clear emails ✅
Figure out script for files ✅
Quite happy with today. Spent a lot of the day reading Lu Xun’s ‘Medicine’ for a Chinese student studying about translations. It was interesting and put me in a good mood. Helped by figuring out the script I wanted on my computer.
Almost at the end of the first week at home. I would like to and ride around a bit but it doesn’t matter too much. When I’m away from school I start to feel more like myself again. Still practising, still improving.
I am so happy and grateful to be surrounded by all this music. It’s a wonderful collection of my life.
Remember: what gets attention is not always important. And what is important rarely gets attention.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Record new TCRAH ✅
Clear emails
Read more entries for 1994ever
More CD organising (complete in 2 weeks?) ✅
Complete Coursera course ½
Another lazy yet satisfying day. Tomorrow I want to do some kind of exercise and meditation in the morning. Being at home, unable to go anywhere is an interesting challenge. I feel like this is a great opportunity to get some things done but also that none of it really matters if it does get done or not so there’s no real pressure. I know that if I do a little each day then tasks will get completed.
Picture of some flying insect building its home on one of our trees. Not for long!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for this time to enjoy my life. I can sit in my room in silence and feel content.
Idleness can be useful; it allows us the space to explore and soothe our troubled soul.
School of Life
To-do list
Record and upload TCRAH ½
Close tabs on Chrome ½
Read and write (writing is awkward) ½
Don’t start anything new ✅
More CD organising ✅
Lazy day. I did a bunch of preparation and bits and pieces. I could quite happily stay at home all the time. What do I really need to be doing? Tomorrow will be the same so I’m glad of that.
5th June 2024 – Whilst I’m still happy at home, the long periods of time spent at home after this point due to COVID-19 definitely made me reevaluate this thought!
Music from The Cavedwellers, Circus Brekovic, Deerhoof, Descendents, Gregory Isaacs, The Milkshakes, Queen, Didjits, Octafish, Elvis Costello, Emporer Yes, Althea and Donna, The Soul Owners, White Blacula and This Heat.
Weight: 79.0kg Resting heart rate: 48
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for being able to sit on this plane. To be able to afford to visit my friends. And for having a home to return to.
To-do list
Meditate on the plane – reflect on these days ✅
Please try to stay calm when back ✅
Wear mask all day ✅
Finish reading book ✅
Take some photos
It’s Tuesday as I write. Getting back was equally emotional and equally flat. I felt numb. Amy is angry at the inconvenience that my trip has now caused us. She’s not so much upset with me as upset with the situation.
I drank a couple of whiskies and fell into a deep 12-hour-long sleep. I got up for lunch and fell back asleep again for the afternoon, got up for dinner and then went back to sleep around 9 pm.
Now it’s Tuesday morning and everything still feels flat. The situation with the virus is looking increasingly likely to postpone the WDS tour which meaning losing all the money on our flights in South East Asia. That’s the situation now and what we have to deal with.
Amy and I are stuck at home for another 12 days. I don’t anticipate any illness from the virus so we just have to wait and carry on as best we can.
I am so happy and grateful for Epit taking the time and effort to drive me around KL and to take care of me on this visit.
Regrets are only regrets if you haven’t learned something from them.
To-do list
Talk with Talib and Thiban about plans ✅
Talk with Sikin about tapes ✅
Stay positive – enjoy the friendships of the living ✅
Savour the tahlil and Kimi’s memory ✅
Everyone here is so lovely and friendly. I really like it and I love to visit but it is strange not to see Kimi. I keep imagining he will suddenly appear.
Sikin seems to be doing ok but I’m not sure when she’s by herself. Epit and Aelin’s kids are fun and I hope they have enjoyed having me around.
Tonight I just found out that I won’t be able to go back to school due to the virus and a new law enacted that stops people who have been in Malaysia from going out for 14 days on return. This is kind of good news though I’m guessing I won’t be getting paid. Hopefully, I can treat it like a bonus holiday and I still have the online teaching to do.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to afford to fly to visit my friends.
Hanlon’s Razor – never attribute to malice what be attributed to stupidity.
To-do list
Follow usual morning routine ✅
Wear make everywhere ✅
Meditate ✅
Find out about SIM card ✅
Enjoy time with Epit and his kids ✅
It was a terrible start to the day as Amy and I fought over money and my travelling. I was so upset I wanted to cancel my plans and not go to KL. I don’t feel like Amy’s frustrations are really about money or me travelling but more connected with her feelings about Thailand.
I want to suggest to her that she goes back to Australia later in the year and work there for three months and see how she feels. Something has to change.
My plan now is to try and enjoy 12 months more of teaching in the school and if I can’t get on with it then I will stop and just teach at home and online. I think Amy can go back to Australia and work if she really feels like money is going to be a big problem. It doesn’t have to be for six months at a time but that’s up to her.
Another possibility is that she really gets behind teaching at home. I feel like she hasn’t really invested herself into it to make it a viable income yet.
The other thing we should do is to sell the house. I’m sick of always having to think about money and if it is spoiling our happiness even when we live in a beautiful home then we can live anywhere. It doesn’t matter. So long as I can have a space to call my own and a happy Amy then that’s what I want.