Food Fight – 18th May 2023

May 18, 2023June 9, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A starving cycle, a luxury trap
The fight for food for generations
These are anxious times to live
Constantly making preparations
Adapted gut, adopted aches
Too late to repair our mistakes

Today I’m feeling:

Fairly positive and upbeat. I enjoyed being around the students this morning though still left at 10am as there was nothing specific for me to do. But everyone is in a fairly good and relaxed mood, teachers and students both.

Today I’m grateful for:

The second 20 baht shop I went to that had some cheap nasty leather gloves that I want to use to pull up the grass around the cactuses as the gardeners will just smash all the little hidden ones with the cutter. I don’t feel comfortable asking them to pull out the grass first even though that’s kinda what I’m paying them for. It’s a little annoying task I can do to help the cactuses grow and make me feel good. The gloves are badly made and uncomfortable on the pinky finger but they’ll stop me from getting spiked I hope!

The best thing about today was:

Pretty much everything was enjoyable today. I feel quite happy. I’m still a little guarded when I write that as I still feel that I have no right to be happy.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

In our teacher’s room today we were introduced to Ren, a new university student teacher on placement. Kru Mai said he likes to cross-dress and cosplay. George started saying why do we get these strange or ugly student teachers and why not get some hotties instead and then Kru Mai talked about another one (female) starting this week that was cute. I bit my tongue and left.
I know it’s just gossipy shit talk but George is often saying things like that. I used to play along and I’m not averse to working with attractive people but it’s usually the weird and unattractive ones who have the best personalities and are more enjoyable to work with.
It’s not nice to complain about the lack of beauty in our co-workers and if it’s not sincere then it’s a bad joke.

Something I learned today?

I watched a short documentary about kids speed-cubing, solving Rubic cubes as quickly as possible. Not life-changing but a little interesting. I’m still more impressed by the young Chinese boy who solved 3 cubes whilst juggling them, in under six minutes. When I see crazy feats like that I wonder what more meaningful achievements lie ahead for people like that, or if they expended all their brain power on this inconsequential feat.

What is a decision I need to make?

I can’t decide what to write. Right now, it’s a decision about whether to read a little or just go to sleep.

I took these pictures because this is about as close as these decade-old companions ever get to each other. Still putting my Kim Chi love into these two so taking lots of pictures of them.

Moving Forward – 17th May 2023

May 17, 2023June 8, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Now living in a generation of hope
This is a world in which to move up
One where all the collected spoils
Can be shared from the same cup
The test of the promises made
Will be seen when face with the burden
Where the whisper will turn to cries
Yet claimed that none ever heard them

Today I’m feeling:

Reasonably upbeat and positive after doing half an ab workout this morning and then coming home early to enjoy the rest of the day. Tigger spent about three hours sleeping next to me on the sofa where Cap usually sleeps.

Today I’m grateful for:

My old students Porpieng and Baitong telling me about their new school, Tessaban 6. I was pleased to know that they are not allowed phones during the day and also have to do homework. I think they will both benefit from a bit of a tougher atmosphere in school though they are not particularly thrilled about the change right now. I have high hopes for these two students as they stood out to me in my classes.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling inspired enough to check out some more Thai learning apps and sitting and doing some study and revision. I’ll get back into the habit again so I can try and communicate more.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

This morning I got up as usual and did everything as normal. As I was driving to school I noticed that another school I drive past was closed today. That was weird. Then I noticed that traffic was much better today too. And as I got closer to my school it became obvious that it was a holiday today but no one had told me. There was also nothing in my online calendar about any public holiday either. Well I just tuned right around and drove back straight to Utopia and enjoyed a couple of coffees there. Never mind the wasted petrol, here we are already with a day off after only two days back at school. Take what you can get.

Something I learned today?

I guess I learned (a little too late) that today is the Royal Ploughing Ceremony holiday and that the schools shut because of this.

What impact do I hope to make in the world?

Bereft of youthful idealism I hope that I can encourage some of my students to push themselves to make better futures for themselves. Perhaps this is elderly idealism. At least I still cling to an ideal.

I took this picture because Tig enjoys my book in a different way than me! He came for cuddles and rubs and ended up staying.

Hands Cave – 16th May 2023

May 16, 2023June 8, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Can you say hello for ten thousand years?
Can you see these words in twelve thousand and twenty-three?
What does it mean when the writing is on the wall?
Leaving one’s mark for the whole world to see
Were your dreams as big as mine today?
Staring at a sky only minutely adjusted
It’s a blink of an eye for those held on high
And in whose words were once trusted

Today I’m feeling:

A little dizzy and unsure which way things will go. So I’ll push myself in the direction of happiness as best I can.

Today I’m grateful for:

The two bloggers who click on the like button to almost every single thing I post. I’m reminded about this today as I had a quick look at their posts too and liked a few back.

The best thing about today was:

Getting home before midday after going to school, hanging around, having coffees and going grocery shopping. Taking advantage of this chill week before getting into the classroom.
Also seeing Mee, Yok and Petch at school again as they didn’t come yesterday. We were all happy to see each other again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing except minor inconveniences that were acceptable to my current state of mind.

Something I learned today?

I saw a nice story about Taiwanese and HKers travelling to a mainland Chinese city to celebrate a local south china festival of which I forget the details but the point is that despite all the supposed tensions between these places the average people in the street just want to get on with their lives.

I took this picture because I spied this visitor after coming home. I’m chasing other cats out from our place now as I don’t want them disturbing the harmony for our two boys.

Animal Pure – 14th May 2023

May 14, 2023June 7, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

These relations are an approximation
Things are more beautiful when you are on the outside
Trusting the seasons more than people
Loving the cities, loving the animals
I know. I know. I know. Don’t get too close
I’m not letting anyone in.

inspired and paraphrased from Broken Summers by Henry Rollins

Today I’m feeling:

(morning)Expectant, anticipating. Winding up with stress. Envisioning feelings and actions of tomorrow.
(bedtime)At the moment I’m feeling a bit despondent if I’m honest. I don’t have a clear direction or purpose right now.

Today I’m grateful for:

Receiving a new T-shirt in the mail that I wore for the first time today. It has a new t-shirt smell and feel for the first and only time. After the first wash that will be gone.

The best thing about today was:

Meeting a lovely little kitten when I was picking up lunch. Reminded me a lot of when we first got Kim Chi. I felt an excitement from the unconditional affection it gave me. I thought about what it would be like if I took this kitten home right now and it made me a little sad because I don’t want to lose and replace my memories of Kim. I know I will lose them one day and maybe that will be a better time to think about new additions to the family.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy made another quip about my not knowing enough Thai when I told her about the aircon people. She said ‘How am I going to survive in Thailand if I don’t communicate more?’ though I’ve been here by myself for most of 18 months and during most of that time she’s talked about us staying in Australia which doesn’t inspire me so much to want to struggle more with learning the language. I felt frustrated and a little disconsolate. Maybe I should go and find some intensive course to study next April, somewhere in the south where I can avoid the air pollution for a while.

Something I learned today?

I saw some Google AI updates for Gmail that looked useful though it would’ve been more useful to me about 20 years ago. I don’t use email so much these days.

What is the weather like right now?

Cooler and cloudy. Low clouds making the mountains pretty. There’s sun over there somewhere as it’s hitting sections of the mountain lighting them up in a peculiar fashion as the cooler cloud sits above.

I took this picture because I made a new friend at lunchtime.

Iceberg – 10th May 2023

May 10, 2023June 6, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Under the waterline
Is where dignity remains
Invisible to others
The pleasure and the pains
Behind the smile
Is where the psyche trains
Inside the mind
Words to the self explains
Not all thunder
Brings along the rains
Under the waterline
Are made the unseen gains

Today I’m feeling:

Slept well last night and feel ok today though not particularly motivated. I’m hoping that will return next week when the kids are back at school.

Today I’m grateful for:

7-11 food. Although I’m a little negative about 7-11 because there are way too many stores nearby I’m glad that they at least give me an alternative for a quick microwave meal that can stave off my hunger.

The best thing about today was:

Dropping by to see Bruno and Nut and being offered lunch. It was good to catch up with them though they were hungover from a long day of drinking yesterday. They were feeling a bit slow and I didn’t really have much to update them with so I didn’t stay for too long. It made me realise that I’m not used to communicating after five weeks being mostly at home by myself. I know my mood will lift once I see my students again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

On Telegram today I got a notification that my old colleague at the cafe in Woolworths, Joy had just joined so I sent a message saying hello. I got a reply but it seems like it’s not her and I got an angry message asking if I was a scammer. It got me thinking that we have years and years of old contact numbers kept in our phones and computers that many people will have gotten new numbers and then after a few years those old numbers get recycled. What feels like a strange world that we live in will just feel normal to the younger generations and then one day they will get to feel like this too.

Something I learned today

I started with the Thai app again mainly just to busy my brain. I also want to try and do a little more meditation again so registered again with Smiling Mind.

What is something I wish I had known when I was younger?

Everything, obviously. There’s no point wishing for something that can’t happen.

This is my cartoon face. Or more precisely, a younger me’s cartoon face. I’ll do a current one soon.

Dead Skies – 9th May 2023

May 9, 2023June 6, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

No movement, no promise
Woke up tired again
The sky has gone grey
Dead and uninspired

Today I’m feeling:

In the morning I was feeling pretty happy. We had a Songkran ceremony blessing the director (or he was blessing us, I don’t know) and folks were having fun splashing water around. I got home around midday and, despite three coffees, I’m starting to feel sleepy as these early mornings are catching up with me already. I must resist the urge to sleep though.

Today I’m grateful for:

My former teenage self for reading books. For some reason, I never really thought of myself as a reader. When I was young it took me a long time to finish a book. On going through my diaries from 1983 and 1984 though I can see that I was reading a lot more than I thought. I can even remember the feeling of reading certain books though the story has long gone. I always saw my mum reading so I guess that influenced me more than I realised too. I surprise myself – when I think about it.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling pretty good at school with all the other teachers for the ceremony. I was able to do some online searching for lesson ideas on my phone whilst they did all the Thai speeches. The atmosphere was pretty positive despite the heat. My shirt was wet with sweat even just sitting still.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

This was actually last night though the result was this morning. Last night was the roughest storm so far and it ripped up another sheet of our roof over the entertainment area. It rained so hard and heavily that the gutters overflowed and in the garage, the water was overflowing into the underside of the roofing though thankfully not into the rooms (from what I could tell anyway). There were even hailstones pounding against the windows. I found the damaged roof this morning and wondering how we can fix this. There’s nothing much that can be done about the weather except to know that it will happen again one day. Thankfully not much was damaged that hadn’t already been in last week’s storm.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video arguing that English shouldn’t be compulsory in Japanese schools because very few students succeed in learning enough of it. They were arguing that it wastes time for those students who are more interested in learning something else. It made me wonder about Thailand.
My friend Fui, who I often see in House, always talks about education here. He has sent three of his four kids overseas to study knowing just how bad it is here. He agrees that students should be failed and be held back a year as other countries do rather than just passing everyone. Thailand must look good on paper but the only people it is fooling is themselves.

What is going well in my life right now?

In general, I can’t, or shouldn’t complain except right now I don’t feel particularly enthused about anything much. That will change I’m sure. So, really, everything is going well. I’m very lucky.

Pavlov’s fish. I took this picture because these fish are in the pond outside the cafe at school. Were they there before? I don’t remember. Their reaction to me leaning over to take a picture was to beg for food. Sorry fish.

Random Access – 8th May 2023

May 8, 2023June 5, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am a stupid computer
An unsteady machine
Each morning rebooted
Memory wiped clean
I make the truth
Out of evaluations
Processing external data
From multiple sensations
I am a dumb animal
Programmed to suffer
Reset in sleep mode
Emptying my buffer

Today I’m feeling:

I woke up before my alarm, my brain already switching on and into work mode. It was also 30 degrees at 6.30 am and the fan wasn’t doing enough to keep me cool. Now, I’m a little tired, though my mind is active and busy planning for this coming story.

Today I’m grateful for:

Chatting online with a teacher from last semester that left for a new school to get a better salary. She was always nice to me and approachable for a chat. We wished each other well.

The best thing about today was:

Figuring out I could watch the Swans replays through the computer but connected to the TV. Now I can watch us lose in widescreen.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I was informed today that I will be a homeroom teacher’s assistant this semester and given a little idea of what might be required of me. This may disrupt my morning coffee plans but I’ll wait and see next week. It is likely that actually I won’t be required to do much or anything. Either way, I’ll make the best of it. I want to do my best.

Something I learned today?

I found out various things today so it seems I did learn some bits and pieces (see above). I also just received an email from Sharon answering my question about when our grandparents passed away. As I’m trying to piece together various parts of my past it helps put a little bit of order back into the chaos of memory.

What three things do I need to accomplish this week?

I need to get my body clock back in sync with work hours.
I need to knock out as many lesson plans as I can for my classes.
I need to get as much information as I can about timetables, homeroom teachers and getting information sent out to my student’s parents to help me.

I took this picture because the cats are melting into the floor.

Yes, No Stress – 7th May 2023

May 7, 2023June 5, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Lives filled with mediocrity
There’s a half-hearted yes
Missed golden opportunities
Because mediocre is no stress
Anything that needs doing
Must be done all the way
And if it doesn’t feel right
Then saying no is ok

Today I’m feeling:

There’s tension building in my body. Had no real problem getting up at 6.30 this morning as I prepare for battle. Slowly I will build up the discipline to fight the days again.

Today I’m grateful for:

A video call from a chatty Amy this morning as I was sipping coffee at Utopia. Amy looked cute and cuddly and I really enjoyed her enthusiasm for life. I miss her being here a lot. I’m quite happy by myself but sometimes I need her to pick me up.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing the Michael Parkinson biography and the Netflix TV series Money Heist. I enjoy the feeling of finishing something knowing that I can move on to something new. Tomorrow it will be getting back into the swing of working again and starting that whole schedule again. I already have the next book lined up, Sapiens but not sure what TV I might get into. I might not for a while as I enjoy reading more.

I also got the music playing all day again in the kitchen, something which I hadn’t been doing since Kim left at the start of this holiday. This holiday hasn’t been very enjoyable at all unfortunately though perhaps it was fortunate that Kim didn’t go in the middle of the semester. I wonder if I would’ve handled it better or not?

Soon Amy will be back here and we will change all our room arrangements again. I’ll accommodate what she needs to feel comfortable again and also enjoy the changes.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

When I talked to Amy this morning she asked if I had talked to anyone about getting the aircon fixed yet and I told her that I would go to the shop tomorrow and talk with them as it would be easier than on the phone. (Strangely it seemed to be working ok again last night though not quite 100%) About ten minutes later she called me back and said that she’d talked to her mum and that her mum had someone who could come and fix it for cheaper. Cool beans. I asked if that would be today and she said probably not. That was ok, whenever. Another ten minutes later she called again and said the guy wouldn’t be able to come for another two weeks so better if I just go to the shop! If you sit and wait long enough in Thailand everything twists and turns until it just ends up as it was. No stress (anymore!). I’m pretty sure that when I go to the shop they won’t be able to come quickly either as everyone’s aircon will be breaking at this time to overuse.

Something I learned today?

I saw that protesters in the UK were arrested without having committed a crime. This was due to it being King Charles’s coronation on Saturday. I think the same would happen in Thailand too.

How have I been holding myself back?

I’ve been holding myself back somewhat due to Amy not being here. As I’m here taking care of the cats I haven’t been able to go to places that I might’ve liked to, like Malaysia, again. It’s the situation holding me back as opposed to any internal thought processes keeping me down. I make the best of the situation as it is. Having said that, if I felt strongly enough I could have arranged for the cats to be taken care of and gone off for a time too.

I’ve been thinking about how much the pandemic fucked up things. I’d only been in Thailand a short while really and was still finding my feet. I was excited to go on tour around South East Asia now that I was living here, establish contacts to repeat the process every year and then it all got cancelled and with Kimi’s passing around the start of the pandemic it really took the wind out of my sails. I don’t feel like I can get the enthusiasm back up to go through the organising process again and I feel out of the loop with what’s going on around the region. Maybe a suitable opportunity will come up that will kick me into action again though I’m not particularly looking for it right now.

I took this picture because I saw a million insects on one of the stems of this plant and when I touched it they all flew off and into a flying formation where they looked static. This is my attempt to photograph them though, of course, it didn’t work but I like the resulting picture anyway.

Failure Porn World – 6th May 2023

May 6, 2023June 4, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Everyone is looking for a laugh
To put a smile on their face
In an upside-down world
Digging down is the safest place
Pick ourselves up by putting down
Cut down all the tall poppies
Misfortune brings us all together
So that’s what everyone copies
Fortune cookie philosophers rant
How to make a million dollars
But the need for the dopamine rush
Will never make us into scholars
A promise one day it could be you
That is the star of the show
Turnover is high in failure porn world
Clicked over to the next video

Today I’m feeling:

Hot. It’s hot. This is Thailand. What did I expect? The aircon stopped working in the bedroom last night and the temperature never dropped below 28 degrees. I slept fine though. Tonight I may have to sleep with the window open and have the fan next to it, weakly sucking in cooler air from the night. In the meantime, I have to contact someone to come and fix the machine.

Today I’m grateful for:

My portable hard drives that allow me to save and move files around from one place to another. When my crusty cranky old MBP stopped recognizing one of the drives I was able to swap things around and get things running again with a freshly formatted drive. I think I may be at the point now where I just don’t need any more drives. I’ve slowed down my music consumption a lot recently and I have too many movies to ever have enough time to watch.

The best thing about today was:

A general feeling of well-being. Perhaps the only thing that really stood out was riding back from Utopia and going on a convoluted path home. The sun’s heat was like a blanket around my skin with the breeze being just enough to stop feeling crispy. I slowed down a little to savour the feeling. The mountains looked like a photograph from the 70s, all washed out due to the hazy air, enough blue sky shimmering through from above to highlight the depth.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It was time to start a new book whilst sipping coffee at Utopia so I had a quick scan of the shelves at home. I use my Utopia time to read music biographies or music-related books. Yesterday I finished Dave Simpson’s The Fallen. Now it was a choice between SNFU or Rollins Broken Summers. I opted for the latter. As I start reading I get back into Henry’s groove quickly and easily. He’s a maniac. I respect his attitude a lot. I see parallels with myself in his words though I’m totally softcore in comparison.
As I keep reading I realise I’ve read this before and not too long ago. I wonder whether to ditch it and swap it tomorrow. However, the strength of the writing keeps me intent to follow along as he prepares for another tour of duty. I feel compelled to bring his attitude back into my thinking as I prepare for my own lovely little war in the classroom over the next couple of weeks. I need to get back to some discipline. Cut the flabby excesses of lethargy.

Something I learned today?

I’ve seen a few videos of people telling jokes to make each other laugh and if they do they lose a point or take a drink or similar punishment. Sometimes they are fun to watch. One popped up and the thumbnail looked like a guy I vaguely knew back in Sydney so I watched it and sure enough, Rodney Todd in all his afro-hairy glory!

What is something I can’t live without?

There’s nothing beyond air, food and water. Without other things, life would certainly be uncomfortable. It’s like people who lose everything in house fires, they find that their lives still go on. I’m thinking about Kim Chi today and how sad I still feel about losing her. But here I am.

Where are you, Kim Chi? Why are you not here? I miss you so much.

Wanted Dead – 5th May 2023

May 5, 2023June 4, 2023 ~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Another day of life spent in the shadow of the sun
This is a wasteland of the free that I’m running from
How to remain calm when surrounded by the storm?
The nail gets hammered down in order to conform

Today I’m feeling:

It feels stupidly hot today. I’ve been in aircon on full for much of the afternoon. I finally felt good enough to drop a half of acid again, which probably isn’t helping with the heat for sure but it’s been a nice gentle happy dose that has seen the time cruise by nicely.

Today I’m grateful for:

The two new cups that Art has at Utopia that he uses for my cappuccinos now. They are Japanese and feel very nice in the hand and I can also feel that the coffee comes out smoother than in my old cup, which I liked too, it’s just different.

The best thing about today was:

With the little dose, I ended up playing guitar for a couple hours, until the B string broke which isn’t so bad as it will finally force me to change the strings.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Time does funny things when you’re dosed and I ended up not eating a proper meal today which is good news for tomorrow but I got by today on snacks, candy and lots of water and coconut juice. Lots!

Something I learned today?

I learned that Lenovo is a Chinese brand and heard about some of its history. I knew they were connected with IBM in some way but got a better idea of how they kind of merged parts of their business.

What is my idea of the perfect vacation?

I generally feel like I’ve been on vacation for the last five years even though I’ve been working most of the time. Would a perfect vacation involve doing some other kind of work? Perhaps. The tour I had lined up for 2020 with World’s Dirtiest Sport would have been the perfect kind of vacation as I’d arranged it to go places I haven’t been before. It would’ve been work stress and fun all at the same time. It’s hard for me to even think about vacations now. I’m happy to go anywhere and enjoy the travel but don’t really have any set ideas in my head. I’d still like to look around the rest of Asia. Europe and the US aren’t really up on my list of interests these days. There’s Africa, the middle east and Latin America out there but they seem far away.