Tag: gratitude journal

Where To Hide? – 29th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Where can I hide from you?
Your red and blue words cut
Angel face, honest and true
Harder to crack than a nut
Where can I hide from me?
My blue and red words cut
My cave mind unfair, unfree
Always stuck in my own nut
All that glitters is not gold
Our stories best left untold

Today I’m feeling:

Very relaxed feeling today so far. I feel like I got an unexpected holiday gifted to me.

Today I’m grateful for:

My curtains all around the house. Since Amy went back to Australia I keep most of the curtains drawn all day to try and stop the sunlight and heat getting in. I think in our next house we have to think more carefully about design to allow better airflow and insulation to keep heat out. If there ever is a next house.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying all the things I was reading from Substack articles about events in China, Dave Simspson’s book The Fallen about ex-members of the Fall and Michael Parkinson’s biography about his interviews with Muhammad Ali.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I called Hayden today and he was feeling down about things. He complained about his friends and how he feels they are treating him and also that he was feeling lonely. I was a little stuck with what to say and ended up saying that me and mum were far from good examples on how to make and maintain friendships and I felt a bit apologetic towards him. I tried to generalize things a bit and tell him that we often don’t have any idea what other people are dealing with so we have to forgive them and at the same time, we also have to be kinder to ourselves. I’m still trying to understand these things so he shouldn’t beat himself up about not knowing the best thing to do.  Although I couldn’t really help him at least he knows he has someone he can talk to.

Something I learned today?

I think I accidentally saw the result from today’s Swans match whilst looking around Youtube. I didn’t see a score but the picture and title were definitely pointing to a defeat. Oh well. I will still watch the match replay tomorrow morning and try and enjoy it!

What is my idea of fun?

These days I feel like I have no idea about fun. I’m happy and content but fun doesn’t play much of a part in my life right now. Perhaps the closest I get to the feeling is going on crazy bike rides or being with my students. I would love to be involved in concert organisation again but there’s just no chance of doing it locally and I’m slowly losing touch with what’s going on around southeast Asia too.

I took this picture as a follow-up to yesterday’s. It seems these flowers don’t burst open into bloom, they just wilt like this. They look like they are tired and gave up.

Morning Glory – 28th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Remember, everything is going to be alright
Or else you’ll fill yourself up with spite
You may either inspire or sometimes bore me
Either way, I’m just telling myself a story

Today I’m feeling:

Feeling ok today. Not particularly enthusiastic about anything but not down on anything either.

Today I’m grateful for:

The last serving of Amy’s fake duck with rice from the freezer. I’ve managed to spread out all the meals she left for me for three months. I really love that she did that for me.

The best thing about today was:

Finding out I have another week off before heading back to school. Woohoo! I was sure we would start again on Monday but held out hope that it would be the following Monday and so it is!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I thought I would be taking Runa to the airport this evening for her flight back to Bangkok and around midday she called and asked if it was ok to come over at around 4 pm when her cousin would drop her off. Sure no problem. I was tired from getting up early again and couldn’t resist an afternoon snooze and when I woke up it was already 5 pm. I tidied up a little (a very little!) and went to do some watering by which time it was 6 pm and Runa called again saying she was still in the city and not to worry about taking her to the airport. Well, ok! This is Thailand and I’m used to this flexibility now and not bothered if it doesn’t really affect me too much. I’ve probably also learned not to put myself in situations where I may be reliant on people who are unreliable therefore avoiding any drama.

Something I learned today?

Amy met Nong May and her boyfriend Jay for dinner as they haven’t met up for 6 months or so. Amy told me they are suing one of their Dodee franchisees because they opened a second store out of contract and tried to hide it by altering the name and the colours of the logo.  I can’t imagine getting into something like that. It seems crazy to me. May’s family has gone through more drama than the BBC.

What is something I’d like to do for someone else?

I’m finding this tough to think of something specific and something applicable to right now. Usually, if I feel like doing something for someone it is not particularly planned. Of course, I do like to do things for Amy, my cats and my students but those are standard. It’s like when I track if I have complimented anyone today I always exclude Amy, my students and my baristas – it must be someone I don’t always compliment anyway.

I took this picture because suddenly this cactus sprouted these flowers. I’m not sure if they bloom and open up but I’ll find out in the next day or two.

Idle Idol – 27th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

He’s a girl and she’s a boy
Both of them a producers toy
Under makeup and bright lights
The manufactured product fights
A name that is soon forgotten
A past that’s found to be rotten
Fans are either for or against
It’s impossible to sit on the fence
If there are brains behind the mask
Showing it may be too much to ask
Flooded with undeserved affection
Failing to pass closer inspection
So idols get what they deserve
A fame that is unable to preserve
And so idle under adulation
Until another steps up to the station

Today I’m feeling:

Ok. My neck is super sore from not moving it much for a month. I did a mini warm-up this morning and will try to make it a little longer each day to prepare for my usual wake-up routine. I know this makes me feel better but just can’t motivate myself during the holiday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding salad today at the walking market. It was pretty good though a little different to the one I usually get. For some reason, I’ve been wanting for salad recently. I think my normal seller may have given up because it’s been so long since I’ve seen them. Business is tough out there and everyone is trying to make their baht.

The best thing about today was:

Cap has spent most of the day with me and I’ve been grooming him and cutting his dreadlocks. His hair feels gorgeous again as does Tig’s, I think because of the special gel that we used to feed Kim to help counter her leukaemia.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I don’t feel there was anything today. If there was something I must have handled it without thinking and accepted it as reality.

Something I learned today?

I came across a video to help getting students to quiet down and concentrate in the classroom. I’m thinking I will try the Simon Says technique where I can bring the whole class back to focus by saying ‘Simon says stand up’ and the kids paying attention will do it and the kids that aren’t will want to know what’s going on. I also need to drill them with this in the first week so they get used to it. I hope I have better control this year. Over myself and the students.

What is my favourite photo of the past month?

With the bad air and the tragic start to this month, my mind focused a lot on pictures of Kim and they still make me sad to look at. But looking through the pictures I can see that there are still some nice ones there. Ones I will appreciate in time.

I took this picture because I took a few detours on the way home from Utopia and fresh growth smells were returning to perfume the air. But this picture shows the devastation across the mountains from fire. I don’t think these would have been burned deliberately but more likely from other small fires getting out of control.

No Readers – 26th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Just a recording, a memory
A gentle nudge to remind
One day in the future
I’ll look back and find
No readers were here to see
What these words meant to me
In another time and place
Some comments will be made
Either an idiot in the making
Or a compliment to be paid
Either way, it’s all good
And no readers misunderstood

Today I’m feeling:

A little tired. I’ve been waking up before my alarm, though unable to stir myself out of bed, as my mind is slowly getting around the fact that it’s back to work again next week. I’m starting to feel the stress and tension, my mind anticipating obstacles in the class. Self-preparation for self-preservation.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to park illegally at the airport as no one cares that much about it. It’s surprisingly busy here even though it’s 8 pm.

The best thing about today was:

I struggled through getting my head around a lesson plan and how, when and why I would use it. At least I could do this whilst sipping good coffee and watching people coming and going. I pushed on until finished and was quite happy with the result in the end.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It seemed Runa was going to stay around the city rather than near home so figured I wouldn’t need to pick her up at the airport but then she called just before getting on her flight and asked if I was ok to pick her up and that’s ok with me.  Runa is never on time for anything and it’s already 29 minutes after her flight has landed. I can imagine her still sitting on the plane trying to get organised to get off. She cracks me up but I don’t need the drama that comes along with her chaotic life.

Something I learned today?

Again I don’t feel like I really learned much useful. I watched Netflix and comedy on YouTube. Trying to keep my mood up rather than go deep into anything.

I took this picture because all our different frangipani trees are blooming. Big bunches of flowers get blown off in storms but each year there’s more and more. I love to see old frangipani trees. Ours are still young but I hope to see them old one day.

Sitting Still – 25th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There’s not a sound about
No electricity on the hill
I’m sitting still

A brain that has quieted
With no thoughts to fill
I’m sitting still

Contemplating how much longer
With only time to kill
I’m sitting still

As days speed up, I slow down
Swallowing a bitter pill
I’m sitting still

Time is the only master
And I have to pay the bill
I’m sitting still

Today I’m feeling:

Tired from staying up late and then getting up early as I slowly train myself for 6:15 am starts again next week.

Today I’m grateful for:

The lady at the market stall who gave me an extra mango today. It’s mango season and they are juicy and delicious.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing the Brix Smith and Jack Dee biographies. Both were good easy reads as I visualised their lives unfolding. New books to start! 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’d been checking out my flights to Australia on the Airasia website and was ready to book on Sunday night. I sent the itinerary to Amy to double check but she was drunk and replied ‘I’ve got no brain.’ No problem, I can just figure it out on Monday. And that’s what I went to do. The problem this time was that somehow I didn’t have enough credits left to cover the costs. I assumed it was something to do with cached data from going through the process the day before but investigating further I found that my credit had expired in the 12 hours since first looking! Damn it! Oh well, what can I do?

Something I learned today?

Our Sydney friend Runa will visit a relative in Chiang Rai for a couple of days. It seems typical of her that we only find out a day before she arrives. Never organised or good at planning or decision-making. I’m ok to pick her up from the airport if she needs.

What went well today?

Everything went as expected. There was nothing in particular that needed to go well and there was nothing that usually happens that didn’t go well. Not all days are like this.

Art took this picture because this has been my morning home at Utopia for the whole month of April.

Hostage – 24th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Held against your will
Trapped by all your thoughts
Your only getting out
Is getting out of sorts
Surrounded by a wall
Scared to be confined
A gun to the head
Made within your mind

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good again today though it’s a little disappointing that it’s the last week of the holiday already.

Today I’m grateful for:

The shop in the market selling fried fish with mango, rice and nam-jhim. I was hoping to find the salad stall people but I haven’t seen them for a while now. After walking around the normal market I then went down to the walking market and was feeling disappointed but almost as I was about to leave I spotted this favourite small meal.

The best thing about today was:

Replying to Sharon’s email from a few days ago. I caught her up on my news and reread her recent emails to remind myself what she and her family have been up to. As I told her I hope Amy and I can get back there for a trip again sometime.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

See below. The issue I’m having may be an operating system mismatch and there’s not much I can do about that.

Something I learned today?

This isn’t something I learned but something I want to learn and that is understanding how iCloud works across multiple devices. I haven’t really been able to figure it out at all. As I’m writing I’ve done a YouTube search and will check out done videos to see if that helps.

After an hour watching and fiddling around I’m a little wiser but still have a problem with getting files onto the Air. It looks like a bug because it makes no sense. It may also be a time issue ie I have to wait so I’ll check it tomorrow.

What moment from my past would I like to relive?

All of it. Relive it all with the wisdom I have now. If only.

I took this picture because Tangmo hadn’t been around for a week or so and I was beginning to think something bad had happened to him. He randomly and nonchalantly rocked up when I came home from Utopia though and enjoyed some rubs and snacks.

No Path To Power – 22nd April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s just another Jarrow Crusade
Ignored by those in power
Backed by a whole class of people
Whose life has gone sour
The change will slowly come
Too late for those affected
The masses’ message manipulated
Ignored and rejected
The power is not with good people
Whose members swell the ranks
But held by the precious few
Who own the guns and tanks
As your protest heads down the street
Always remember your way home
Before that’s taken from you too
And you’re left to seethe alone
You’re either with us or against us
Left conquered when divided
Along the path of least resistance
Your own future will be decided

Today I’m feeling:

A little more positive today. I’m liking that I can’t remember what day it is but that will all change soon.

Today I’m grateful for:

Electricity. After 4 hours without it last night I thought it wasn’t too bad but then realised I was still able to use my phone and iPad as they still had charge. If they had run out I don’t think I would’ve been so happy.

The best thing about today was:

Almost finishing the flashcard sorting. I could’ve finished it but as I find this kind of task enjoyable I want to stretch it out one more day. Next, I have to integrate their use into my lessons and hopefully, the students find them useful.

(I couldn’t resist and finished them off so now the island in the dining room is relatively clear again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

First thing this morning I stepped on Amy’s thin folding mattress on the floor and under my foot was wet. Argh! It felt like a full bladder of piss had been dispensed. I picked it up and hung it outside in the sun, having to also take the rug too as it had seeped through to that as well. Good morning!

Something I learned today?

In some street interviews, many young Chinese people assumed America has high-speed rail because it’s America so they must have it.

Write about a memorable experience from this past week.

The coming of the rain and the destructive storms. The rain was good, the destruction not.

I took this picture because this was the result of the storm last night. I threw some more breeze blocks up there and climbed up and tried to get the sheet back in place but that wasn’t possible. Even though it was only 10 am everything up on the roof was already burning hot. I was also nervous up there as there was a lot of flex in the frame in the middle of the roof. I did my best and placed the six blocks strategically but I think it still may not be enough if the wind really whips through again.

The Dream Is Dead – 19th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

My grandparents took their dreams
And able to make them real
Fought the good fight for freedom
And allowed their pain to heal
Each generation wants for its young
To climb up ever higher
When dreams could come true
Those values would inspire
But now those dreams are fading
I’ll never see the top
Members of the last generation
Before we come to a stop

Today I’m feeling:

Better than yesterday though still subject to darkness. Unenthused and flat. By evening I was feeling pretty good.

Today I’m grateful for:

Aircon. How did people survive without aircon!? Folks here are used to it and I’m getting more used to it but it’s 40 degrees today and even riding a bike around in the shade has no cooling effect. It reminds me of the time riding around in Rhodes back in 1994.
I rode past a pineapple factory where hill tribe people sit around tables cutting up the fruit. They are undercover but outdoors, many wearing clothes to cover much of their skin so as not to look so tan which is virtually impossible for them!

The best thing about today was:

Just generally feeling better than yesterday.   I hope the rest of the week continues like this.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Somehow I’ve ended up going through the day without eating a meal. I’ve had a few snacks but perhaps the heat has tempered any hunger. I’m wondering how this might affect my mood tomorrow. I need to consider my eating habits and how it can change my mood.

Something I learned today?

I read about the Drowning Child thought-experiment about how we might choose to help someone in need right in front of us but not even consider them if it is out of sight. Or more provocatively that we might choose not to help them because we can’t help everyone. Also to consider if we should try to save someone if they have a life ahead of them as opposed to someone nearer the end of their life. It reminds me of someone who saves another person from drowning but themselves drown during the action.

I think I would be someone who tries to help someone who is struggling right in front of me. It would depend on a lot of factors many of which could even make me freeze with fear at the time. I can struggle with making fast decisions sometimes.

Did I make a good decision today?

Some days, yesterday for instance, just feel like they have you beat. Today I woke up with a different feeling and it’s difficult to pin down why. I took my computer to Utopia and pushed myself to do some work. This was a positive step. After coffee, I came home and much as every other day during this holiday watched some YouTube videos. But by the afternoon, still feeling reasonably ok, I again pushed myself along to take advantage of this slight upswing in mood and decided on an afternoon coffee but taking the long way there. With the slightly improved air conditions, things felt a bit less oppressive than in recent weeks. Sun was actually breaking through to cast shadows on the ground. Of course, this meant the heat was trapped and pushed the temperature up to 40 degrees and the feeling of it being even hotter. The daily promised storms still haven’t arrived and even the tokays have given up asking for relief. It’s too hot for mosquitoes.

Anyway, whilst the decision to get out felt quite natural and normal it was definitely a better choice than staying at home today.

I took this picture because the sky is clearing a little to produce some colour in things again. These blooms stand out around this fishing lake. I’m not sure of the type of tree but it has long bean-like seed pods like an acacia.

Misery Comedy – 18th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Not like Beckett, not absurd
It’s just as English as the word
The saddest laugh I ever heard

Rolling laughs don’t come from rolling hills
No pearly whites penetrate the mills
More bitter than the bitterest pills

And only laughing when it hurts
The summer wine no longer works
Born amongst the miserable jerks

There was a time when some British comedy TV became too dour even for me. Last of the Summer Wine and Only When I Laugh are referenced and remain memorable for their misery! I was self-aware enough to realise that watching these shows made me unhappy. I just wanted to laugh at something funny, not at something sideways.

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and useless. The grey of the sky is getting me down. It’s not like the grey of a cloudy sky. That sky moves and promises. This sky is dead. I woke up tired and have napped twice since. Everything feels pointless. No inspiration. No movement.

Today I’m grateful for:

My memories of Murray and myself philosophizing with our teenage imaginations at the bottom of the school field. We looked up at the sky and stars and had no idea how inconsequential we are.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing reading Death’s End. What an awesome book with big crazy ideas. Onto some lighter reading next with Michael Parkinson’s biography.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My positivity has fallen down today mainly due to tiredness I believe. My PMT or low point of my circadian rhythm.  Perhaps I napped my way out of it.

Something I learned today?

I read today that China has offered to mediate between Palestine and Israel in a search for peace in the Middle East. It’s difficult to imagine that it might work but if both sides can see the benefits of increased prosperity perhaps there’s a chance?

What place holds special meaning to me?

There are too many to mention. Today I feel like I am not living my life. My memory feels like a story I watched on TV rather than events that actually happened to me. The places in my memory are still there yet the actual places are not. They exist but are not the same. Sometimes it’s better for a memory to be repaved over with concrete.


I took this picture because as I was riding home from Utopia the mountains were more visible than in recent days and it can be seen how dry the jungle has become out there. The cows and bulls offered a perfect foreground.

Funhouse Mirror – 17th April 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Looking at my twisting reflection
This is not real
Even on closer inspection
It’s just not me, I feel

Is this copy worthy of duplication?
Is it even a fact?
A mirror-to-mirror demonstration
Repeating all I lacked

I am bewitched by my own distortion
Will the real me please step forth?
Invested in psychological contortion
Searching for magnetic North

Today I’m feeling:

Fairly positive, and cared about yet still with a nagging cold in my psyche.

Today I’m grateful for:

Nong Nut and Nong Fon for making and giving me food today. Nut made a delicious cheese, cream cheese and spinach bake along with some banana cake, yoghurt and more jam. Fon made her best sourdough bread yet and was delicious, toasted with cream cheese.

The best thing about today was:

I felt quite blissful as I was talking with Amy whilst sitting outside. I could smell food cooking coming from somewhere instead of smoky air for a change. The trapped heat in the house was not present outside with a comfortable cosy feeling of warmth. Another day has passed quickly with the feeling of little achievement though relative satisfaction. I have to remind myself that this is what life is. I don’t need to be jumping out of aeroplanes or be popular to know that I am alive.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I still haven’t got back any enthusiasm for listening to music. Apart from playing guitar a few times I haven’t purposely listened to any music this month. I know music can take me away but it can also bring focus right inside my head and I still feel like I want my senses dulled. I’m still in some kind of mourning. I’m getting used to Kim not bring around now and it even feels like she never existed, like she was a dream. That’s sad but maybe my way of coping. Where does the love go that you gave? It feels like it just evaporated.

Something I learned today?

Robotaxis have been given the go-ahead in Beijing. It would be weird to be in a car with no driver but still have a steering wheel and watch it moving. Why not just get rid of the wheel too? Anyway, the future is here. Where is it going? By the time you read this, you’ll be able to tell me.

What am I looking forward to this week?

I’m looking forward to having finished sorting out the hundreds of vocabulary cards that I started making last month. I’m enjoying the process of putting them in order after they all got mixed up during the process of making them. It’s one of those huge tasks that I enjoy as I watch it slowly get easier as it nears completion.


I took this picture yesterday because I like leaving these little models around amongst our little plants around the entertainment area.