I picked up that excuse for toilet paper S.T.E. Bulletin, the other day + was so fuckin’ furious that I wrote to the bastards and they, being the nice boys that they are (P-fucking-C + you know what that stands for don’t you, Pig Conspiracy), wanted me to contribute a column. Guess I must’ve impressed with my charm.

First off, that fucking Danny Zuko, get a fuckin’ life you miserable fuckin’ fuckwit. The last place you want to go to meet or make friends is at a fuckin’ gig. They’re all nicey-nicey boys these days. Not like the good old days of ’82, when punks knew what punk meant + that was Anarchy, Chaos + Fags. Those fuckers these days spike their hair with hair gel – we used to just grab hold of some live wires, ‘cos it was cheaper + not supporting some fascist company like Boots.

I hope Danny, for your sake, you’re not one of these long hair types, ‘cos if you are + I see you at the next gig, I’m gonna cut all your fuckin’ hair off + set light to it, like that fuckin’ hippie Hendrix set light to his guitar. I fuckin’ cannot stand all this rehashed 60’s hippie shit. about peace + love. I bet you take drugs too? We just used to bang our heads on the pavement ’til we were senseless. It was cheaper + we knew we weren’t contributing to the destruction of the rainforests.

In fact, I don’t think you should bother going to any gigs at all, you’re such a sad bastard, that it would be a good idea if we all just forgot about you altogether, whoever you are:

The gigs I’ve been to lately have been so shit. Badly organised + badly run but I come to them more + more, ‘cos I like to laugh at those so-called ‘scenesters’, who think everything’s great + just wonderful in their own little world. Fuck that.

The only good thing that came out at one gig, was the shit I had in the toilets there before I went home. Who is that Selina thing? Jeez, another long-haired type I notice. Typical.

I bet both Rich + Rob (from their articles) have long hair too (or know someone with long hair). Judging by what they wrote, they sound like a bunch of hippy girls, who’ve never had a decent shag in their lives (unlike some of us).

That Rob was nearly right with some of the things he said but then said that things weren’t gloomy in the future! Oh yes, they fuckin’ are mate + I’m probably the most optimistic person you’re ever likely to meet. Things are so shit that I’m not going to even bother writing anything else but like my favourite actor said – I’LL BE BACK!

25th Jan 2024 – Reading this today cracks me up. Danny Zuko was Steve Burgess’ pseudonym and of course, I loved dearly everyone I mentioned here. Mr Cynical was an easily exploitable stereotype that I don’t think I could quite capture again these days.