Imagination turns thoughts – 22nd September 2020

Tried talking to computer to record these but it’s difficult to talk and think sometimes – tells you something!

Nice dreams, didn’t want them to stop – Amy and I were at a public bath with Chris and Hillary – I don’t remember why or how.

I wasn’t tired last night – slept late. Feel okay now after exercise.

First Thai lesson today. Nervous but know it will be okay.

Look forward to coffee as always. Thoughts flip down the river but don’t come now as I’m writing. My stuck mind.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I went shopping yesterday which gave me plenty of time to do things I want to do today.

In The Woods – 12th July 2022

The trees are listening, they hear your tears
Wept on your journies through a thousand fears
The fight never-ending, til its bitterness arrives
Waiting in the woods, a world no one survives


The cosmic fate of humanity is somewhat mysterious, but we should act ‘as if’ what we do matters. This belief will then become a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to a good life.

Jules Evans paraphrasing Roosevelt

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #70 – Dead End – 27th December 2020

Shut Down! Dead! Run out of town!  Sheltering over the border, we bring this one last episode before fleeing the despots.  One day we’ll be back!  Look out for DJ Donut Trump – he’ll bring you the future of rock ‘n’ roll.

This week there’s all sorts of music – weird, noisy, experimental, fucked up strangeness, straight-up punk and pop all delivered with no compromise.  Join our other 3 listeners to check out the end!

Incidentals taken from the Church of the Sub Genius Hour of Slack.

Listen right here or Mixcloud, Stitcher, Apple, Amazon…..all those cool places I guess.

https://www.facebook.com/The-Chiang-Rai-Alternative-Hour-107307097314670/

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the students I have met since I started teaching. I have learned something from all of them.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #69 – Against All Odds – 18th December 2020

There’s a lack of equipment where we are hiding in the cave networks on the edge of Burma. But we made a new show – against the odds! The director is not pleased.

This week there’s music from Chavez, Kurt, bEnt, Warhammer 48k, The Freeze, Tera Melos, Jeff Fox, Bee Vamp, Dreamies, Space Negros, Electric Deads, Secret Snack, Private Dicks, Spycker, Larval and Suspiria.

Incidentals taken from the Church of the Sub Genius Hour of Slack.
Listen right here or Mixcloud, Stitcher, Apple, Amazon…..all those cool places I guess.

https://www.facebook.com/The-Chiang-Rai-Alternative-Hour-107307097314670/

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the books asked comics that I have waiting to be read. I can choose from fluff to depth depending on my mood.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #68 – Teeth Razor Sharp – 10th December 2020

The demons are attacking our integrity, the bogeyman is coming, teeth razor sharp.

This week there’s music from The Fall, Viletones, The Butthole Surfers, Frank Zappa, Psyche, Super Adventure Club, My Dad Is Dead, Dwarves, Toots and The Maytals, Moff Skellington, Red Forty, Descendents, Sun City Girls and Lucid Rivers.

Incidentals taken from the Church of the Sub Genius Hour of Slack.
Listen right here or Podbean, Stitcher, Apple, Amazon…..all those cool places I guess.

https://www.facebook.com/The-Chiang-Rai-Alternative-Hour-107307097314670/

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have another two days off school and be able to spend time at home and with Amy.

Your house is falling down (The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #67 – Frightened and Scared) – 4th December 2020

This one is not a morning scribble but at night and I want to get some thoughts out before I try to meditate which I didn’t do for a few weeks and I can feel my head whirling, whirling.

Step out, step out! Nothing lasts forever. Step out, step out – demolition – look at it fall down.

Distraction. Music is a distraction and I love it. I love my room – my room from youth and now I return – here in my room. No window, ceiling or floor!

Music, music, music. People in and out. Relationships, people – why do I find it so difficult?

Never mind, I think I’m okay. I’m fine I don’t need to find excuses. Inside my head is okay – when I’m feeling okay – I don’t need anything or anyone – except my one true friend. I love Amy very deeply I’m a little scared if anything happens between us but I know I’ll be okay. Everything is always okay. The world spins. And all those cliches. But anyway – it’s not something I think about really – not something likely to happen as far as I know. Out, out, out, you fleeting thoughts – settle down and breathe deep.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to each of my students for the different ways they make me think. It’s a nice challenge to everything.

Imagine a world where children are not sexually harassed by their teachers…

Now listen…..

This week there’s music from The Nubs, The Sawtooth Grin, Jesus Lizard, Theatre of Hate, Spermicide, Gelbart, Abali, Esmectatons, Radio Myanmar, Big Black, Secret Chiefs 3, Miss Madeline, George Danquah, Karate and OMFO.

Incidentals taken from the Church of the Sub Genius Hour of Slack.
Listen right here or Podbean, Stitcher, Apple, Amazon…..all those cool places I guess.

https://www.facebook.com/The-Chiang-Rai-Alternative-Hour-107307097314670/ (the Facebook page got hijacked!)

Some say it’s the beginning of the end – 1st December 2020

Weight: 78.0kg
Resting heart rate: 45

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the technology I am able to use these days. They make life much easier and can simplify boring tasks.
I am so happy and grateful for the sickness that has knocked me on my ass. I slept almost all day yesterday. I still have a bad stomach but feel better today. It reminds me that I’m not immune to getting sick. This is my first illness since last December.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #66 – The Ducks and Drakes of Evil – 28th November 2020

I don’t know how much longer we can keep this up. The ducks and drakes of evil are for a lesser form of people. The razor cuts, one hundred and twelve times, across the throat, the voices of reason.

Highly curated, carefully selected and specifically ordered* for your listening edification by world-renowned DJtenzenmen, who has over 100 years of experience in this business.

This week there’s music from Action Beat, Slapp Happy, Shudder To Think, 7 Seconds, Marnie Stern, Sleaford Mods, Slade, Neutral Milk Hotel, Sun City Girls, Umlaut, The Dickies, Dangerous Girls, Jawbreaker, Jimi Hendrix Experience, The Users, Orthrelm, Massicot and Trumans Water.

Incidentals taken from the Church of the Sub Genius Hour of Slack.

Listen right here or Podbean, Stitcher, Apple, Amazon…..all those cool places I guess.

* ie totally random.

https://www.facebook.com/The-Chiang-Rai-Alternative-Hour-107307097314670/

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for a few hours of whisky-inspired singing to old favourite songs in my room last night.
I am so happy and grateful for the nice shirts I like to wear. I started wearing them at work just to stand out a little from the boring office shirts people always wore. Now I really enjoy a good-looking shirt.

Past is past is past is farce – 25th November 2020

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

– attributed to Buddha

In the end (what end?) none of this matters, but I played along anyway.

How much you loved.

Sometimes I loved too much, other times, not enough. I have loved different people but shown it in different ways. Does that mean the love was different? I have become more careful and selective with my love, perhaps to the point that I don’t love anyone or anything deeply anymore. This is a countermeasure against loss. The extreme loves of youth are more tempered now. I don’t feel like this was a conscious decision but a naturally evolving one. It has come with stronger self-confidence and self-esteem but also at a loss of close connections with people.

I grew up with a strong independent single mother who was already tired of dealing with other people and their bullshit. I have become like her. We are loners but not lonely and not lone wolfs. We are just happy by ourselves or, in my case, with one very special person around. All my acquaintances I still call friends, I just don’t interact with them so much. This sometimes gives me a false sense of understanding as, in my mind, they are the same person as the last time I met them and nothing should be different. I still have this feeling after what could be years without speaking. Obviously, that’s unrealistic.

I could dream about meeting an old girlfriend as if it was just a current continuation of that relationship from that time. Never mind, we would be twenty years older, married with kids since. Those feelings are still in my memories but reality is much cooler.

I’m surprised sometimes that I know I won’t have those butterfly feelings again. Experience and understanding (and time) has calmed them. I am no longer crazed and tempestuous but I am still alive and capable. It’s a double-edged sword. Those feelings were special and wild, extreme highs, but dampened by such extreme lows. Perhaps some of my father’s manic depression got passed on.

Now that I have balance I guess I’m somewhat boring.

How much I have loved? I loved myself selfishly 100%. I loved others occasionally, but 100%.

How gently you lived.

My memories of youth don’t seem particularly gentle but the deeper I go, under the piss and vinegar, there is a big softy. I was a teenage asshole, sometimes even to my best friends. I was less an early 20s asshole but still could be a mean son-of-a-bitch. Having now lived in other countries around the world I believe I was very well suited to the typical British contrarian and sarcastic humour. I can fall back into it instantly I meet an ex-pat, sometimes so obviously I kick myself for it. It does, however, still make me laugh.

So whether with the simple act of aging or with growth and understanding, I am living much more gently these days. I gave up eating meat when I was 14, something that I believe inspires a gentler life. I was quite aggressive about it at the beginning but don’t even think about it anymore and thankfully it’s so acceptable these days that it’s barely a topic for discussion. There was always a tension about it before, having to constantly provide justification for what was perceived as different.

I was mostly thoughtful on the inside but could let my emotions get out of control. I’m still envious of more balanced people I grew up with, especially some who had to deal with me. I know we’re all a little fucked up in some way but I do often wish I knew then what I know now (and was able to act on it). It’s ironic that folks said that I was mature for my age. I must have been a very good deceiver.

When I was 30 and getting divorced I went to the psychiatrist and got diagnosed with mild depression and started to take a low dose of medication that stabilised a lot of my out of control emotions. When I revealed this to my mother, she then revealed to me that my father had suffered from manic depression (now known as bipolar disorder). I guess things started falling into place.

It still took me another 10 years or so of growth to get to a point where I was mostly and consistently happy and this reflected in my attitudes and behaviors. Of course, by this time a lot of small unique habits had developed which often have me reflecting how much like my mother I have become. It’s neither good nor bad, it just is.

I saw an online post about how we spend our second 40 years dealing with our first 40 years. I certainly spend a lot of time reflecting on those first 40 years. I also feel that, despite being 13 past the mark, my first 40 years haven’t been completed yet.

Looking back over these words I wonder if I even know what living gently means in the context of my life. Living gently feels like I should be a monk who is careful not to step on an ant, something I was reminded of this morning when I crunched a snail under foot in my driveway – those damn snails are everywhere.

How gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

I’ve been thinking about this one for a few days already. Letting go was always difficult when I was younger though something I seem to have improved at. However, when I think deeply about this the only ‘things’ I consider in my life (in connection to this subject) are people. After having moved across the world a couple of times already, things such as books, albums, videos, comics, furniture, clothes etc are all replaceable. Sometimes the fun in having (and losing) those things is more about the search and discovery of them again.

The ‘things’ I feel more attached too have personal meaning, such as old letters or photos but in consideration, I haven’t looked at my old letters since I left England in 1994. They are in the pile of things that I do want to go through again and perhaps document before I shuffle off.

So, that leaves people, particularly friends and girlfriends. With that I can only say that I have gotten better at it over time. Teenage/early 20s are typically messy and I was not mature and confident enough in myself to deal with letting go. Possibly this relates to a subconscious search for a mother figure to replace my mom and not having a father around to learn from.

Letting go also sometimes meant pushing away, and that is not graceful at all. I tried my best at the time.

I’m finding it hard to write more about this without going into painful detail. Perhaps considering things that I don’t wish to share about other people as much as about myself. I have few, if any, regrets but also can be nostalgic for certain times and places with certain people.

Finally, we cannot hold onto anything, nothing is actually meant for us, it is just our internal impression of it.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have to chance and opportunity to learn and grow and to try to better understand this thing called life. Many things are making more sense to me even though I struggle to be the better person that I want to be.
I am so happy and grateful to have the time and space to think and consider things. I also need to put these things into action. I have the time and space to do that too.