Various Artists – The NOW now, excerpts & orchestra 2xCD – 1st January 2004

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A snapshot of the 2nd annual NOW now festival in Sydney, 2003 – excerpts comprises 13 pieces featuring Australia’s most committed improvisers and electronic musicians. 

Music by local uber stars, Martin Ng, Anthony Pateras, Oren Ambarchi, Jon Rose, Jim Denley, Peter Blamey, Scott Horscroft, Phil Slater and international travellers – the Ortez Funeral Directors (NZ), Cor Fuhler and Mike Cooper included. 

Disk two features the Splinter Orchestra – over 30 musicians – comprising nearly every performer in the festival, playing an intensely subtle 30 minute composition by Adam Sussmann.

Could it be that I’m peeling? – 11th August 2003

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I feel like I’m getting more and more insane! Everything means so much today – why so serious? Why can’t I relax? Feeling disconnected from my body – wonder if it’s something serious or just my stupid self hurting me?

Feel like getting everything completed – wrap it up. Where do I belong now? What am I running from? Where am I running to? What’s the big plan? Why has it missed me?

Am comforted by the thought that probably millions of others feel isolated in the same way. I want to live a simple life – how can I do it knowing all the comforts I have around me? I feel guilty for the world’s burden!

I hear voices that don’t make a sound – 14th July 2003

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Freaking out in my head again – feel like my brain cells are disappearing – information is leaking away. I seem to spend my time wishing for better days, wasting the ones here and now. I find myself in conversations not knowing what is being talked about – my mind snapped to elsewhere. Everything feels fatigued or full of potential fatigue, stopping me from starting anything. Where is this coming from? Where is it going to end up?

Spoke to Mum on the phone – I didn’t have much to say. Felt like throwing up. Felt like crying. She keeps her life going along.

I feel like my major aim in life should be to try to ensure that Hayden doesn’t go through these feelings – help him overcome this despair – but I can’t even help myself!

Following around to see a life that’s never in – 30th June 2003

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Chinese exam tomorrow – pretty much too exhausted to study much tonight though – it feels like information is flowing into my head and right back out again!

Called Echo in Beijing – I love to hear her voice when she speaks Chinese. It’s like music. Wish she could teach me more and be here – that would be an ideal way to learn! Anyway, hope to catch up with her in the next 12 months or so.

Wake up tomorrow and study hard just before the exam!

There’s no feeling bad without feeling fine – 19th June 2003

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Well, today was different – feeling relaxed, talkative, confident… Even struck me while it was happening and then I tried to work out what it was that I was feeling and figure out how I could draw on that in times when I need it.

I see people on the train miserable and grumpy and I wanted to shout at them that everything is ok… But I know how they feel – I’ve been there often myself.

Anyway, I couldn’t figure out what the hell the difference was and how I can draw on it when required… oh well… Maybe it’s just the overall general well being… Everything’s going along ok – no diff to three weeks ago but I just seem more positive. Hopefully got over this sick feeling for the last two months – if it is an allergy though I guess it could come back pretty much anytime.