When I was studying to learn to teach I was doing well in the first week but failed the initial assignment, eventually being given a pass. Then I failed the second assignment, eventually passing. Same with the 3rd and 4th. Initially discouraging I persisted until passing.
Those failures taught me about trying my best, not giving up. Now, when I have a bad day teaching I can consider all the factors and try my hardest to make improvements.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Amy again as she has soldiered on and cooked for me when I’m feeling under the weather but she is also not well. Today suddenly I have an urge to visit England again.
21st Apr 2021 – Just pre-Covid, this bug knocked me down for about 10 to 14 days and was by far the worst I’ve felt with the flu in the last few years. It’s unlikely that it was Covid and I think I eventually got rid of it and passed it on to others. I seem to remember a lot of people getting sick around this time.
After a great start to the weekend, things got a little more sober after Amy fell and hurt her face and hands. We were very quiet and recovering on Sunday.
Looking forward to coming back to school on Monday was brought to a sudden halt by discussions with the school and my agent about withholding two days of my pay for not attending the weekend seminar. I feel particularly aggrieved at this as it was not made clear to me that this would happen and it is not fair to withhold money for not attending an unpaid weekend of work. My agent blames the school and the school blames the agent. This is a very typical scenario here in Thailand and exactly the situation Amy warned me about.
But what to do now? Should I just accept the situation, stand up for myself further, walk away to something else (which may just end up with similar problems) or walk away from everything?
My learning shows that I should remain professional and unaffected emotionally by these types of situations but I still struggle with these things.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have read some positive things today otherwise I might have felt completely terrible due to a situation that happened at school. I’ll catch up with George briefly as he often knows the right thing to say.
14th July 2022 – Looking for a photo to use for this post I found what seems to indicate that I went to the local hospital on the next day and got myself a medical certificate giving me a day off, as a fuck you to the school for not paying me!
Music from Effigies, Cardiacs, mr sterile Assembly, Charlottefield, Goblin, Charming Hostess, Palberta, Lungfish, Yugen, Subway Sect, Helta Skelta, Hatfield and the North, Churn Milk Joan, Radio Delhi, Midori, Positively 13 O’Clock, Boy Wonder, Blood Brothers and Human Expression.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to the staff at the hospital this morning who took care of Amy after she fell over and hit her head. Nothing serious thankfully.
I’m afraid of not having time to do all the things I would like to do – reading, writing, playing, travelling, talking, learning, growing. I should fill my time with these things as much as I can.
I’m afraid of letting people down. I don’t do it very often because I have learned how to not do it.
I’m afraid I’ll never talk to TLJ again and discuss just what happened between us when I was a stupid arrogant man and she was a naive young girl. I still dream about reconciling with her sometimes, imagining that we are still the same age but I have the wisdom gained over time to do the right thing. That was a time I let someone down badly.
I’m afraid of not being a good enough teacher. I don’t feel this often but sometimes others have made comments to give me doubts. I know I’m a good enough teacher (and of course, can always get better) so I don’t need to pay too much attention to what others might say.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that Amy takes care of my lunch and dinner even when she’s not staying at our house. Today she brought me my lunch at school. I’m so happy to have her in my life.
This morning I set myself a fairly modest goal to write a letter to Hayden. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen during the day as we were supposed to go to Takky’s new house at midday but anyway I didn’t rush to write the letter and enjoyed the morning learning some Thai and brain games and a little bit of reading.
After lunch and a bit more reading I went to my office and sat down to write the letter. I tried listening to music but found I couldn’t concentrate.
Anyway, an hour and a half later I had all my thoughts down. I will review and revise it tomorrow before sending it to Hayden and his mum.
Somewhat energised I managed to record another music podcast and do a few minutes of exercise. I’m feeling like I can do that more habitually once my new work schedule is settled. I’ll get back into writing here again every day too.
Do unto yourself what you would recommend to others.
– not sure who to cite for this quote!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that Amy’s mum is clear of a liver tumour. She looked so happy yesterday having found out. It also made me think about her dad, who is not so bad in his own way. They have both helped us a lot.
Picture was taken a few months later when I went back for a visit.
Yesterday I told my class I was leaving. It was a little emotional – two of the students got teary. It was sad to see – those kids can’t go a whole semester with the same teacher. It did make me realise the impression I can make on students though. I hope I can work in the high school so I will still have the opportunity to see them sometimes. I know I can work in another school ok but I’m also dreading it a little.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Amy for helping me through all the tough situations since we met. Many things I can deal with and help her with but there have been times when she had been so wonderful and supportive. I know she gets frustrated with me sometimes too but at the end of the day, she is always there for me. I love her so much.
Yesterday I showed some resilience. Small things upset me in the morning and everything felt overwhelming again. After school, I went to the dentist. I think sitting under the drill settled me down again. At home, Amy was quite negative about being here in Thailand but I was the one telling her things aren’t that bad. I realised I had some strength and resilience I need to draw on more.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that other people have shown an interest in working with me. It shows me that I am valued for my contributions.
Gratitude Journal
Today I’m looking forward to a job interview with another school. I’m looking forward to Hayden coming to visit in a couple of weeks’ time. My friend, Ellen, will also visit from China with lots of yummy Sichuan sauce. I’m looking forward to getting away from some people in this school where I work. I’m looking forward to time hanging around at home with Amy and our friends. I’m looking forward to the cooler weather of winter. Damn! I’m looking forward to a lot of things.
23rd Feb 2021 – Looking back on this looking forward is interesting. Some of the things I was looking forward to, didn’t necessarily turn out for the best but it was definitely the right way to approach all those things. I know some folks who anticipate the worst of the future and then feel pleasantly surprised when things turn out better than expected. I think I used to be like that but not these days. I’m much more of the thinking that even difficult tasks, events and situations are just occurrences and they will be over after a certain period of time regardless of what my thoughts are about them.
Chiang Rai, Thailand. Don’t forget where you are and everything it took to get you here. It’s been an amazing journey. But now you are here – what next?
“In enlightenment, there is no pleasure, no pain – just nameless ecstasies.” – Sadhguru
Hmm – enlightenment seems like something to aim for.
Learn to meditate. Learn Thai.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to meet Laetitia because she has a lot of energy and strives to do what she wants to do. I hope it can inspire Amy too.
14th Feb 2021 – Laetitia was a bright and bubbly French lady who was teaching at the same school as myself (and fell foul of the same stupidities that I did). She was in Thailand with her husband and two of her four kids. She had a can-do attitude and worked really hard and always came up with new ideas. Amy and I met with the family once to discuss a possible business proposal but despite their enthusiasm, we couldn’t see a way things would really work out. Soon after, I left the school and we didn’t see them so much. They seemed to have a lot of financial issues and eventually, if some stories are to be believed, they fled the country to Burma to avoid repaying their debts and this is what had led them to Thailand from France in the first place. Who knows where the truth may lie but I was even more grateful that we didn’t get involved in any business dealings and defer to Amy’s judgement on these things, that working with other people and their money will only lead to trouble.
23rd Mar 2021 – Along with starting the music podcast I also started reading more about Stoicism and discovering various email lists and blogs that dealt with mindfulness and self-help but with deeper thought than just the usual quotable influencers. I started this gratitude journal on this day and with very few exceptions haven’t missed a day where I have found something to be grateful for. Looking back to this time I can see a big change has happened in the things that I do day to day. Trying new things and testing myself in new ways. Whilst I guess this is inevitable across any 18-month period of time, this time it feels more like a serious decision to make some changes.
Happily, I was successfully accepted for the CELTA course in Chiang Mai, though I need to brush up on my grammar skills considerably! The interviewer made me feel very comfortable despite my lack of knowledge and I actually felt that, yes, I could do this!
Also got word of a position available at the university close to our house (Mae Fah Luang) which I will apply for, though the timing may not be right as applications close at the end of March and I won’t have a certificate (assuming I pass) until the end of May. Will apply anyway, it is Amy’s old University colleague who manages the English department there so that may be a benefit at least. He said if it doesn’t work out he will direct students to me for private tuition in the meantime.
Last night my housemates took me out for a farewell dinner. Bram drove the Volvo and Katrina and I made fun of him because he couldn’t hear his brakes screeching because he has lost hearing in that range. I thought he was just pulling our leg at first but seems he was telling the truth. I hope my hearing holds out a while longer – there’s still too much music in the world to enjoy.
We went to a dinky Chinese diner in Chinatown and ordered a big stack of food, including my favourite fish in boiling chilli oil with Sichuan pepper. Not quite enough chilli and pepper for my taste but still a fantastic eat and half the price of some other places.
I noticed the staff putting flowers in the bags for Uber Eats deliveries so at the end of the meal I asked one of the staff if we could have one and I gave it to Katrina who was suitably embarrassed and happy to receive. Bram laughed too and said I was showing him up. I like this couple and hope they can achieve their dreams for the future.
For Bram that involves a 3-month motorcycle trip through India (and possibly Thailand, Myanmar, Malaysia and Singapore – though it’s looking like he may not be able to afford that now). For Katrina, it means getting her permanent residency in Australia and then saving to build a couple of container style apartments on her grandmother’s land near Shengzhou (with Bram’s help). Apparently famous for it bamboo forests, as seen in popular Chinese dramatic cinema in the west, pictures look especially magical when it snows in winter.
We both invited each other to visit what will be our new homes.
After a few days lull, our house is going gangbusters today with the perimeter fence going in, the electricity being hooked up, ceilings being primed and pond being finished off concreted. Things seem to be coming together very well.
Today, though, I woke up in a slight funk. Possibly from the two beers I had with dinner last night, the first since the end of September last year. Last night’s chilli has also assisted in processing the last few days codeine constipation. Codeine is nice – I can see why it becomes addictive.
After today updates will become a little less often though I’ll still try for daily. I’ve lined up a few entries from 1994 (until the end of March) and want to try and get ahead with those if I can – they are a pain in the ass to re-write and it was a perfect situation to be able to do that at my job.
It’s stinking hot here in Adelaide and super dry today. Tomorrow I fly to Brisbane to meet with my son. His mum has booked us an apartment in Fortitude Valley for the weekend for which we are both very thankful. It’s been about six months since I’ve seen Hayden and probably will be another six before I see him again, assuming he’ll have time to come visit me in Thailand.
I’ll go and finish off that big book that will be too heavy to take with me. Already threw out jeans and dinner jacket and some other stuff I wanted to take. So maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze in a box of Australian wine to bring to Amy.
1994ever 