I met a salesman from an orange land Who said “Two fat and chubby legs of stone Stand on the golf course…In the bunker, on the sand Buried in broken promises, whose botox smooth Unwrinkled lip, and sneer of old demand Tell that it’s maker well understood Lifeless things will always be lifeless things This hand mocks him, there is no good And on the pedestal, these words appear My name is Trump, you’re fired! Look at my face, losers, and despair No trace remains of policies of decay A colossal trainwreck of heartless hot air Blows across the bunkers and far away.”
As Shelley imagined Ozymandias over 2000 years ago, I imagine the same about Trump over 2000 years from now.
Today I’m feeling: Happy though still a little dizzy and tired. Today I’m grateful for: The charging cable that I always borrow from Kru Mai so I can use the speaker in the classroom. I’m charging now so I can use it for class tomorrow. The best thing about today was: In my morning class finding 100 baht that someone had dropped but no one claimed. I kept it and waited to see if anyone would come back to claim it though no one did. In my second class, it was Anchan’s birthday and we sang her happy birthday. Often the kids ask me for money and I’ll give them one baht and tell them to share. Anchan cheekily asked for 100 baht and as I was up for the day I gave her the money I’d found. Something I learned today? In 2010 the US Supreme Court made a ruling in Citizens United versus Federal Election Commission that companies are people and money is speech, therefore allowing companies to use money to influence the political process, effectively turning the US into a plutocracy. What is my favourite photo of the past month? I think this must be the pictures Aing took of me at the waterfall. The experience itself was fantastic and freezing and then to see myself, a flabby middle-aged man in his underwear dwarfed by the torrents of water falling from the rocks yet laughing with joy, stupid mad joy still motivates me to live my life any way I can and want.
I took this picture because, in the messy garden of House which is full of green everything, this red flower overhanging the path screams ‘take my picture’!
A rusty soul needs constant scrubbing Lifting hands up towards the sun Don’t turn around a-snubbing For a journey just begun Spread the word when required Now’s the time to teach Everyone needs to be inspired For the heights to which we reach
We are drowning in information, while starving for wisdom.
E.O. Wilson
Today I’m feeling: Dizzy and tired. Maybe getting the flu… Today I’m grateful for: Amy’s mum and dad for paying for my birthday lunch today. I was ravenous and enjoyed a bowl of nachos. Simple but effective. The best thing about today was: Contacting a local tattoo shop and planning some Cardiacs related tattoos. I’ve seen the work from the studio on Art and Boss at Utopia and it’s pretty good. If you can pick any job in the world, what would it be? I’d be interested in almost any job so long as there was no pressure. Imagine any job and being given a six-month training period with no expectations and imagine this was for any job. People could just keep trying what they wanted and be able to find the best thing for them at that time. I’d learn about plants and growing or be some kind of operator at CERN. Maybe a train driver, car dealer or painter. Any job where you can feel respected and worthwhile would be good.
I took this picture because this is the birthday cake Amy got made for me for today! It looks great and dad made a joke about cutting through the neck.
One of the very few nights I managed to sleep the recommended amount of hours and so far, I feel suitably alert. That could soon change after a couple of hours staring numbly at this computer screen.
It’s Monday morning and it’s been a while since I was working a regular day shift. Night times and weekends it’s so quiet here it makes you nervous to even sneeze. It’s somewhat comforting to hear the bustle of work and the earnestness of people discussing technical solutions.
One thing that I have developed as a pet peeve though is the absolute authoritative statement. There are a few folks here who talk as if their word is definitive and their tone implies that there is no point to discuss anything further. How can people be so secure in their knowledge of the world, of everything, that they already know that they cannot be convinced otherwise? This shows me a stagnant mind. No room to grow, no room to learn.
These people are usually men and usually older. Though it’s even more excruciating to hear younger men talking like this, you can almost hear their minds closing up already, sealing shut. The older men’s voices sound authoritative and dead. A resignation that things just won’t get better. ‘Things were better in my day’. Maybe it’s the work environment, some kind of unsaid competition. I never want to subscribe to this thinking, despite sometimes catching myself doing the same. I think I avoid it mostly and it is a reason little kids like me so much, they can recognise the essentially childish wonder I have, the interest in the details, the awe of the world.
This attitude seems less prevalent in women and the one or two times I have come across it, it has been scary. I’m not a macho kind of person. I was raised by my mother after my father died when I was 18 months old. I naturally learned the female perspective, a different view of things. I fought against this as a teenager, trying to put my own stamp on my personality and eventually on the other side of it, became more comfortable in a more feminine environment. I generally prefer the less competitive company of females. I’m not into cars, muscles, action movies and getting pissed with the boys. Not that I have rejected everything masculine – I can still be a beer drinking, sports-loving yahoo from time to time but mostly I enjoy these things alone where I can make an ass of myself, just to myself.
The Crass album ‘Penis Envy’ also made a big impression on my developing teenage mind too.
Sordid sequences in brilliant life!
Supports, and props, and punctuation
To our flowing realities and realisations
We’re talking with words that have been used before
To describe us as goddesses, mothers and whores
Describe us as women, to describe us as men
Set out the rules of this ludicrous game
And then it’s played very carefully, a delicate balance;
A masculine/feminine perfect alliance
Does the winner take all? What love in your grasping?
What vision is left, and is anyone asking?
I still had lots of growing pains when it came to love, sex and relationships with women though. I could be a master manipulator when I wanted to be. There are things I have done in the past that I now wish I hadn’t but I must acknowledge they were part of my own learning process and got me here where I am today. It takes a lot of effort to be 100% true to your convictions and there are times when we fail. Things aren’t always black and white.
—
The last few days my phone calls with Amy have been pretty short. There’s never much to report on my side and work on our house has slowed somewhat now.
I’ve been thinking about this period of time that I’ve been in Adelaide, away from Amy. It’s never felt like you imagine a long distance relationship to be. The goal we are working towards keeps us bound together completely. Just because we don’t see each other every day doesn’t mean we are not together. This is helped by our own securities, something that I may not have had the strength to contemplate when I was younger though.
I am already visualising looking back on this time as some kind of dream. It’s just something I’m doing rather than something I’m being. It was a bit of struggle before and during Christmas but with the turn of the new year, it finally feels like a countdown to the realisation of our plans.
Writing up the diary entries for 1994 has made me think about why I don’t really enjoy Christmas and new year celebrations. I’m not a big birthday or holiday celebrator in the first place and have often been alone at these times but looking back at the events at the end of 1993 I wonder how much of an impact they have made on my psyche. It’s not something I’ve really consciously considered for a long time. It’s also not that I mind joining in celebrations either, though I don’t find anything particularly special about certain dates to participate in them – let’s enjoy ourselves every day. A cliche, I know.
I climb out of the comfort of the bed, over sleeping Broni. I stumble in the half blindness of the early hours of the morning to the toilet, I feel like something’s following me. While I stand over the toilet I recall some of my dream, it’s pretty hazy but it felt big, it was a big dream, scary and huge and I kinda woke and everything felt strange and I realised where I was in this world and how I’d got here and what I was going through subconsciously, emotionally. It was big. I got scared, climbed back into bed and went to sleep to mad dreams.
When I woke up it was my birthday and after initial happiness and some present receiving a big gloom set in for the morning which Broni helped me out of in the afternoon and we went out to a bar and I thought back to times when we’d sit in pubs in England and relax for the afternoon for a couple of beers and just waste time, and maybe everything had been catching up with me and I’d been making a bigger deal out of smaller things when they didn’t go quite right.
We went off to the cinema and saw Spider and Rose which is a really good movie, Australian again, cool filmwork, script etc which really lifted our spirits too.
Later we went up to the Basement, which is this cool expensive jazz club and got some food and champagne and beers before watching Dewey Redman and his quartet improvise their way through a couple of numbers, which was about forty-five minutes, the first number was kinda trad jazz/blues which incorporated a solo by Dewey then the piano player then the double bass til they all hit back in together to finish. The second number a more swinging affair, again with the solos, which I was thinking was a bit of a drag, like they’s all good players and all but it was predictable. The last number was way cool though started with Dewey mumbling around for a bit getting the rhythm in his head and letting the rest of the band in on the secret, then he plays a few bars solo in the swing and mumble the beat and snap his fingers in time and on some parts he missed his sax bit or hit a bum note and instead of carrying on he mumbled the notes out aloud carrying the mood, laid back and crazy, then the rest of the band joined in on the few bars, dropping off letting the audience feel the beat with just the tap of Dewey’s feet and the dance of his crooked body and then they all picked it up again and the song got into full swing for about a minute before the drummer had his turn at a solo, now I’m not one mad on drum solos but this dude, old dude, looked like he’d been exhumed, probably played with Zappa or something you know, he really kicked the shit, made that kit talk man, keeping the beat then exploding off and before it all got out of hand, kicked back in with the beat to let the double bass player have a little go and wow, he made that chunka wood sing little bird songs in harmonics before getting real mean and hitting hardcore riffs, really powerful in yer face double bass before relaxing back into the sweet melodies, the piano man, facial contortionist, quietly joining in with the odd chord strike here and there, builds it up and takes over the piece and stamps his mark all over it going wild crazy man, fingers a blur with the speed, hanging onto the rhythm by threads, shut yer eyes and go with the ride, it’s alive, finally Dewey comes back on and blows his own, hot tootin’ tune and they settle at the end like how they started, Dewey with a mumble and a shot.
They’re exhausted and go off but, fuck that weak shit, I wanna hear us some more, but time and alcohol is catching us up, we depart during the first song off their second set, stumbling drunkenly through the city’s streets, the tall buildings tower over us, shielding us from harm like a security blanket, the neon somehow comforting us, light defeats the fear, or maybe we have a drunken dutch courage but tonight we are not afraid of the dark!
We laugh ourselves silly on the walk back from the station and I’m starting to feel more comfortable now I’ve had a good night out in the city. Broni drops herself onto the bed and falls asleep with me following shortly afterwards, good night world sweet dreams.
All I need is one true friend I want total peace of mind To leave the hurting world behind I’m not scared; I swear I’m free It may collapse the fear That burns to bring the worst from me
(Lou Barlow)
Like sparks igniting the brush, we’re up and awake this morning. Last night saw me, Broni, David, Louise and Piers up at Uxbridge Road a jot, to a wild Greek restaurant with some old English fella singing English 60’s songs. The place packed out, with the restauranteur stomping around with his clipboard and shades like some guy out of the Comic Strip Presents. Real stereotypical big fat guy running a business, short and abrupt with people with London accent, though Greek descent.
A crowd of people walked in and he went up to them and said ”Oo uh you? You’re late should’ve bin ‘ere an ‘our ago! I’ll see what I can do fer you!’ Food was okay, especially the salad with coriander! Came back to David and Louise’s and drank champagne – did I mention it was David’s 30th birthday? – and I pondered how I’ve ended up here in the last two years and how I’ve changed to broaden my horizons.
We ate plum pudding with brandy and whiskey sauce and hours later arrange a bed on the floor to sleep. I wrote some, as you can see, and me and Broni talked a bunch before Sandman carried us away into our subconscious fantasy worlds.
This morning the sun shines and our souls are alive with adventure, waking us up and now sat waiting impatiently to leave, to discover new things in old museums. Live life, love life.
How to describe all my emotions as I leave my true sweetheart behind in wicked old London and I travel rapide back home to Poole. I wrote a poem in the few moments before the bus left, a poem for my Broni. We waved and blew kisses as the bus pulled out of the station. I remember how whenever Broni used to say goodbye to me that was it – no lingering around.
We really do feel madly in love with each other and I would die if anything happened to her. I feel a big sense of loss already, I hope she’s okay getting back to David and Louise’s. I nearly cried as I saw her sweet face for the last time today, a beautiful smile wishing me well. How love has taken me over once again but this time with my real soulmate, one true friend. How we ever survived being apart for five weeks last year I’ll never know (but I will because we have all the letters). Love to my Broni, my thoughts are with you always.
Record of the week: Stranglers – Nuclear Device Highest entry: Suzi Quatro – She’s In Love With You
10th Aug 2022 – The Stranglers had passed me by until now and I reckon I only heard Nuclear Device once and never again until I bought a copy a few years later. It felt strange that a song I loved and I believe charted was so rarely heard on the radio. I was starting to feel that someone out there had it in for the punks and good music. I don’t recognise this Suzi Quatro song but she was always a pleasure to watch on Top of the Pops, though as a weird soon-to-be 12-year-old I didn’t quite understand why!
21st October 1979 Nuclear Device (Wizard of Aus) is great 2p 188p*
10th Aug 2022 – Perhaps this was the start of my education into the terrible power of nuclear weapons which would only cast a longer shadow over our lives in the early 80s. I did love the pun in the record’s title. Perhaps a first inkling of an interest in language.
22nd October 1979 (tick) Specials Message To You, Rudy is as above 2p 186p*
10th Aug 2022 – The Two Tone ska revolution was just starting to swing and my friends and I were getting into it. The music wasn’t punk but the messages were. I could identify. Any youth culture was interesting to me at this formative stage.
23rd October 1979 (4) Not long Took radio to school 2p 8p 1756p*
10th Aug 2022 – Countdown to my birthday. Birthdays were still exciting. Soon to be 12. I took a radio to school so we could listen to music and particularly the chart run down.
24th October 1979 (3) Not as long as yesterday 2p 1754p*
25th October 1979 (2) Even shorter 1. Lena Martell 2. Buggles 3. Michael Jackson 4. Dr Hook 5. Sad Cafe 2p 152p*
10th Aug 2022 – Apart from the Buggles this top 5 is pretty atrocious, though I do have a Sad Cafe song in the memory banks.
26th October 1979 (1) One day Christopher’s coming down tomorrow Greatt! 2p 150p*
27th October 1979 Great HEYY! Ipswich v. For what I got, look at next week 2p 148p*
10th Aug 2022 – A Saturday birthday with a friend visiting. Unfortunately, no memories retained, sadly.
An Ipswich Town related info box in my diary for my birthday week.
Record of the week; Supertramp – The Logical Song Highest Entry: Bee Gees – Love You Inside Out – 25
7th Mar 2022 – The twisty bendy Logical Song shows my early interest in prog-ish music. The sound of this song made me happy. I like music that challenges but that also makes me laugh with excitement. So, not much into the Bee Gees at the time. I do have their early albums to check out as they were apparently much different to their popular hits around this time.
15th April 1979 Going up North today 2p
7th Mar 2022 – I don’t recall driving back up North with Jean at any time and can only think we took the National Express, though I don’t have any memory of travelling with her on the bus either.
I do believe it was on this bus journey that, on the way to London, there was a mouthy brat further up the bus, a boy probably around my age. He was leaning over the back of his seat, retelling a movie he saw recently about a skydiver whose parachute had failed. People found him standing upright in a field, held upright by his bones having split through his feet and shoved like stakes into the ground.
I also believe it was on this trip that we were waiting at Victoria Bus Station in the evening and I bravely went off for a walk around the outside of the building and coming towards me in the opposite direction was the spitting image of Sid Vicious, in a grey woollen poncho. I guess many punks at the time copied his image and I’m not certain if I was aware that he had already died.
16th April 1979 Playing cards with Paul til 2:30am
7th Mar 2022 – Paul had lodged in our house in Whitehaven for as long as I can remember. He probably lived there right up until mum sold it a few years later. It was a four-bedroom, three-storey, end-of-terrace house with a garden. Maybe I mentioned it already. 20 Hugh Street, Bransty. I asked mum how much she sold it for and I couldn’t believe it was only 13,000 pounds! The north of England was definitely in a different freaking financial hemisphere compared with the south.
Anyway, Paul (and George, a canny Scot) entertained me despite our age difference, he was probably around his early to mid-twenties at this time. Our card game of choice was Hunt The Cunt, more commonly known as something like Chase The Queen, I forget now because we always just called it by its nastier name.
This was the hill my mum had to drag me up a couple times a week when she went shopping in town where the only supermarket was.The typical back alley of British terraced houses where kids could and would get up to as much mischief as possible. It was quite daring to go into allies where we didn’t live or know anyone. This particular alley was where I first tried and failed to ride a pushbike that was far too big for me.20 Hugh Street as it is now (2022). They’ve got a new door and have walled off the garden. The path also looks like it has been tarmacked whereas in my time it was just dirt and perfect for games of marbles. And gone is the old traditional green lamp post that used to have arms near the top. Was it just to stop kids from throwing tyres over it? Cos it didn’t work!
17th April 1979 Quite good day!
7th Mar 2022 – I had lost pretty much all traces of my northern accent by now but it was a kind of comforting sound to me, like a return to home, to something far away but familiar. I think these days were quite good because there was no school and I probably badgered my mum into generously buying things that I wanted.
18th April 1979 Quite good day again!
19th April 1979 1. Art Garfunkel – Bright Eyes 2. Racey – Some Girls 3. Squeeze – Cool for Cats 4. Jacksons – Shake Your Body 5. Milk and Honey – Hallelujah
7th Mar 2022 – The Squeeze song is classic, they had some great singles, I should probably check out their albums. I dig the Jacksons early stuff these days too. Not into any Michael Jackson though. Ever.
20th April 1979 Hi! Mum Gave mum a tape measure 2p
7th Mar 2022 – Mum’s birthday and no doubt she had to give me the money to buy her her own present! She probably had to go and buy it too! Well, at least she got what she wanted
21st April 1979 2 Bolton 2-3 Ipswich 2p 2p
7th Mar 2022 – 2 – more long-forgotten secret codes.
1994ever 