When I was a ghost, my eyes were never met Unknown, unspoken, unseen, unheard There I stood, three monkies wiser Until hearing the whisper of the magic word
A name on a page, a name in lights Is that me, is this real? Does a grain of sand on life’s beach Really understand what the ocean might feel?
You can see me and I can feel you Alone but never lonely, loneliness lost Spaces filled with words and chatter To balance it all comes at a cost
Tides are changing, shores are filling Days and nights are both illuminating The stories brought here remind me Of the sandcastles we’re all creating
Better than yesterday though still not quite awake, I feel. I had fun with all the kids at the flag ceremony this morning but need this first coffee for my first class.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the people who handled the parcel of records that got delivered safe and sound to me today from Turkey.
The best thing about today was:
Spending time and effort with one one-on-one reading with my grade 8 students. Both yesterday and today’s classes are a challenge and I think it is beneficial to spend even just five minutes one one-on-one as often as possible. I can only do this with about 6 or 7 students per one two-hour class though.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My final class of grade 7s was disrupted somewhat as one student told me that a few of them were supposed to go for football practice. I told them that they could go when they finished their work but unfortunately they struggled with the work and then as it rolled past the time they asked to leave they struggled with their attitude. Many students ended up 20 minutes late for their vans as I wouldn’t let them go unless they at least attempted the work.
The kids don’t know how to help themselves and the other classmates that understand are reluctant to help now as their kindness has worn thin. The students that slacked last semester will struggle this semester as I ask them to think more about their own ideas, beliefs and feelings. Things that they can’t ask the answers from other students.
I managed to remain mostly patient throughout all this. Mostly.
Something I learned today?
I just realised that the candy I’m eating right now have little tidbits of information on them and so I just learned that crocodiles can’t stick their tongues out. Fairly useless information for 99.5% of people on Earth but there we are. I learned that today.
If I could change one thing about my life, what would it be?
I can imagine that this would be something ridiculous like not having to sleep or being able to party without hangovers! Or not die until I’m ready!
Or that I still had youthful boundless energy.
If I could change one thing about my life I would have done it already.
Which side of the bed do you sleep on?
It seems that I am always the one closest to the door so that if anyone ever breaks in to try and kill us they will go for me first. I don’t know if this is a subliminal thing on Amy’s behalf or why that makes her comfortable but it doesn’t bother me. I can sleep on any side of any bed so long as it is comfortable.
Right now we each sleep in the middle of our own King-sized beds which is both ridiculous and amazing.
I took this picture because this old boy was waiting for me to finish exercising so he could eat. Tigger wasn’t far away either. I didn’t feed them as Amy wants to do it ‘her way’ which I know is just to get their affections! I noticed that by this evening both cats are no longer looking at me with expectation but at Amy instead!
Still dizzy. Even dizzy during my poor sleep last night as my body aches made me uncomfortable. Wondering how serious this might be. But I still pushed through morning exercise hoping that that may get me going. Not quite. Will see how I fair today.
Today I’m grateful for:
Funfai bringing me a food gift. Unfortunately it was pork so I had to return it though I made sure she knew I was grateful.
The best thing about today was:
Finally feeling better by the afternoon after sinking a cup of water with electrolytes. I’m not 100% yet but at least I don’t feel as if I might fall over now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My first class this morning was a bit of a test for me and I almost lost it but I think the kids sensed it and were unusually quiet for a little while which softened me a little. I also recalled a daily reminder I have set – “Be grateful for what you have, for it is a gift that can be taken away at any moment.”
Something I learned today?
Some musicians I have worked with in Germany before are rushing to release a compilation to benefit women struggling through the war in Gaza. There are only four days to submit and I don’t think anyone I know would be able to commit to that. But in an effort to be useful, I passed the message on to the current folks I’ve been working with on the Jorando Del Muerto release.
Who is the wisest person I know?
I keep seeing this prompt and thinking it says who is the worst person you know!
The wisest….?
Even people I admire I don’t consider all-wise, all-knowing. Everyone has their foibles. And everyone has some wisdom. Take the best from people so that you can learn. Try everything until you figure it out for yourself.
How am I different than I was a year ago?
Change seems slow until you look back from further in the future. I don’t feel as if I’ve changed much at all in the last twelve months. I can see very minor improvements when I look back at diary entries and think to myself ‘Oh yeah, I remember doing that’ and then making decisions about where to go from there.
Answering this question for five or ten years ago would be much easier to analyse.
How am I stepping outside my comfort zone?
I’m not doing this too much these days but I can think that forcing myself to exercise is outside my comfort zone even though I’ve been doing it regularly for a couple of years now. I’ve been taking cold showers since about March and still going at the moment, testing myself to see how far I can make it into winter. I will go and play tennis with Funfai once a week, just for thirty minutes, despite my aching old bones. I’m still not often comfortable in the classroom either. I’m still learning everything.
It’s time to leave, time to live The tough have already got going The soft remain inactive But deep down already knowing
It’s time to go, time to be gone Let the waste remain in this place Time is forever marching on And taking up so much space
The magnetic pull unwavering Stick the cynics in the bin Tomorrow is not worth savouring If the journey doesn’t begin
Once again, inspired by this post at Spinning Visions. I am usually inspired by things I see, hear and read (more than conjuring things from the depths of my brain – at least, these days) and I’m catching up on reading Makenna’s journey via her blog.
The Blackened Screamo powercell from İstanbul, Jornada Del Muerto (featuring members of The Ousted, Burn Her Letters, ria, pembe, Noisy Sins Of The Insect, Slave Training) unveils their brand new full length “Pinturas Negras” via 11 DIY labels (see below) Mixed and Mastered by Pete Grossman at Bricktop Recording who has an excellent discography, such as Inclination, Frail Body, Uglybones, LUCA, Crowning…
Having released a cathartic and well-written debut album in 2021, the blackened screamo act Jornada Del Muerto dedicates Pinturas Negras to Goya’s “Black Paintings” in lyrical and musical ways. 14 songs for 14 paintings.
The band took it to the next level with their new release: while the band is maintaining the short-songs-with-violent-outbursts kind of approach with their songs, it is very clear that Jornada Del Muerto has given a lot of thought to the instrumentation of their new songs as the riffing and the song structures are very on point. The band makes it known to their listeners that very diverse influences are musing their sound, and Jornada Del Muerto transforms these muses into gut-punching screamo anthems with sheer explosions.
Jornada Del Muerto is Alican, Görkem, Mutlu, Onur
Recorded at PUR Music Studios Mix and Mastering by Pete Grossman at Bricktop Additional Cello by Öykü Opuz Artwork by Nazan Aydın
Sabbath Video credits Directed by Doğuş Asan & Mutlu Oral Animated by Doğuş Asan Character Design by Eda Dursun Written by Mutlu Oral & Görkem Arslan Edited by Mutlu Oral
Judith and Holofernes Video credits Video by Görkem Arslan & İdil Kocabozdoğan
Co-operative release featuring the following labels: Mevzu Records No Heroes Records Dead Red Queen Records Fresh Outbreak Records Friendly Otter 5 Feet Under Records Dingleberry Records Pumpkin Records Salto Mortale Seitan’s Hell Bike Punks tenzenmen No Funeral Records
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and content. I’m so happy that Amy is back and made our house back into a home again. Everything is clean and tidy! It’s not that I’m terribly messy and dirty but my standard and its importance is lower.
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Jern for fixing up some things in the class attendance system for me. It’s important to have a good connection with some co-teachers because sometimes there are things that need to be done that I can’t do by myself.
The best thing about today was:
Unprompted, Kru David commented positively on my new Monotone trousers today. It’s nice to hear that though I never would expect that about my trousers as they are relatively plain when compared to some of the shirts I wear!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I have a smart kid in one class (Kwang) who suffers from a lack of direction and absent parents. She’s smart enough to avoid working hard and avoid getting in too much trouble.
This week she explained that her phone touchscreen is broken and that she can’t do my work whilst in class but promised that she would do it at home in the evening, which she then didn’t do.
As I have two old spare phones I figured I would donate one to her so she could do my work in class. I struggled to remember to find it this morning but in the end, I picked it up and found the charging cable too.
I waited for the homeroom teacher to appear in the morning and told her of my idea which she thought was a good solution. However, Kwang’s grandparents sent a message that morning that she wouldn’t be in school today!
I left the phone with the homeroom teacher as Kwang will likely show more respect for receiving it from her than from me.
Something I learned today?
Of course, surely, I learned many things today but they all seem relatively minor and inconsequential as I try to summon them here to write.
Name five ways you are quite difficult to deal with?
I still have a childish reaction to being told what to do and how to do things sometimes, even when offered in good faith and it being a better solution than what I’m trying.
I enjoy things that most people don’t and I detest many things that others seem to enjoy. I’ve softened somewhat over the years and can bear small amounts of detestability. In general, this revolves around entertainment such as music and movies mostly.
I’m happy to be by myself and don’t need much interaction to be satisfied. It’s not that I don’t like people, I really do. It’s more that I don’t find a large percentage particularly interesting and I often don’t feel like investing the time to go deep with them. Others though, will appear that immediately interest me. I can wait for them to show up.
I still sometimes struggle with changing tack after I’ve invested time and effort into the direction I’ve been going. Working in Thailand has definitely made me improve myself with this as changes can manifest with little warning.
In the past, I was quite contrarian, in connection with point 1 here. However, I would say that I am not at all outwardly like that these days, though the thoughts are still entertained internally!
I took this picture because this is an accurate reflection of my place in this world. At the walls of my palace sit the beasts and the jungle.
I know you’re sad and feeling upset And your anger is directed at me But I know you just don’t get it yet And one day you’ll eventually see
These growing pains are emotional times And you gather support for your cause But you’re still misreading all the signs And banging your head on closed doors
I hope the light will reveal the way Towards a path that’s free from pain There’s nothing now that I can say That you can understand when I explain
Take your bravado and all your bluster And point it in the right direction And all the learning you can muster Will offer you a lifelong protection
Today I’m feeling:
Better for a good sleep although it wasn’t long enough. I almost succumbed to the snooze but powered through and did my exercise. My busy day ahead, I need to relax into it.
Now I’m back at home and glad the workday is done. I did get home to discover one of our cats decided to use the lounge in the dining room as a toilet which stunk up the dining room. Thankfully it’s not so hot and humid now otherwise I might have been asphyxiated.
Today I’m grateful for:
The projector in our classroom that can share my computer screen for the class to see. Keep reading to find out why this is relevant today.
The best thing about today was:
Being able to keep myself under control despite a series of frustrating events throughout the day.
In my first class, three students didn’t show up and after about 10 minutes I got a message from one saying that they were helping another, Earn, to sort out a problem with her phone. I replied that Earn could sort it out by herself and they should come back to class. A reply came back that Earn doesn’t know how to ride a motorbike so they had to go together. The smell of bullshit was confirmed when I asked the rest of the class about this. I asked their homeroom teacher too and he said to deduct points from them in the system which I duly did. They complained to me later but I told them that their actions have consequences. It feels to me like they are not used to this in general.
In my next class, we don’t have a remote control for the projector and I just use a long stick to push the ‘on’ button. Sometimes I ask the students to do it for me and today I asked Opor. Somehow she had managed to swivel the projector around so it no longer pointed at the wall. I then took over to try and realign it. Now, I already knew that the projector was not quite secure up there as I had seen that there was a bolt missing to keep it slotted into the bracket. This wouldn’t normally matter so long as the projector wasn’t moved. And so…..
With a nudge and a push suddenly the projector slipped off and the wires pulled the cover off the cable concealer and the projector bounced off the table, luckily not injuring anyone.
Somehow it was still working and I quickly managed to rig it up by putting a chair on the table and the projector on a chair with a couple of books to angle it so the kids could still see. I later managed to get it back up onto the ceiling and wound a couple of paper clips through the bracket so that it shouldn’t fall again!
About an hour into the class, I realised one of the students wasn’t doing any work. All they had to do was copy what was showing on the board. He’s not the brightest kid but today really took the cake and it was so daft that I just had to laugh.
I asked him why he wasn’t doing anything. He told me he didn’t have a book. It then came out that not only didn’t he have a book but that he didn’t have anything! I asked what was in his bag that was next to his chair on the floor. He said he didn’t know! What? His friend then explained that somehow he had picked up someone else’s bag and presumably someone somewhere in the school had his!
I asked whose bag it was and again he said he didn’t know! I have no idea what he planned to do to find his bag later! I told him to look inside to find out who it belonged to which would at least give him a clue as to who might have his bag. FFS!
Ok. Enough of that nonsense. But wait… there’s more. I had warned two girls already about playing with their phones in class and had already taken them once but had to return to do the online quiz. The second time I took them and gave them to their homeroom teacher and told the kids they could ask her for them after class.
After class, they went to see her and she said they could have their phones back at the end of the day. They begged that they needed their phones to pay for lunch but the teacher told them to go away. Another student told me they were crying as they walked off.
I felt a little bad for them at that point but the longer I thought about it the better I felt about it as it was a good lesson for them and if they were really hungry they could probably get their friends to pay for them.
Knowing where they hang out I walked past them a bit later and they half-heartedly told me not to talk to them. When I asked what I did wrong they tried to blame me but they knew that they had done the wrong thing. They had accepted the result at this point and didn’t seem too upset in the end.
And…..in the library, some serious gossipy drama was going on between students in the M2 classes and though I couldn’t understand the details it seemed to be heavy teenage stuff. Apparently, they’re having trouble with a couple of other students and I advised them to just ignore it and avoid them if they can.
Then…. For my last class, I decided to sit one-on-one with each student and have them read the text that they had been familiarizing themselves with this week. Yesterday we went through the text and written on the board how to pronounce some difficult words using Thai phonetically.
But it soon became obvious that no one had bothered to help themselves by writing it down themselves! Instead of getting upset (although I was!) I used it as an opportunity to reiterate to them that they need to help themselves and I can’t just magic knowledge into their heads.
They got it. But they will need constant reminders.
I still love all these little rascals.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I guess all the above could apply here though I never really felt out of control. This at least shows some growth within myself.
Something I learned today?
There is now so much information casting doubt on the truth about the hijackers flying planes into the Twin Towers in New York that the whole thing is just making the USA look like a giant clown world. It seems best not to believe anything and not to think too much about it. Is this a sidestep on think global, act local and pushing everyone back towards think local, act local?
The world is a funny place and sometimes I want to switch it off.
What is one thing that I often take for granted in my life?
I answered a similar question to this recently. I take so much for granted really. I don’t have to worry about so many things that other people have to.
Electricity and water are always taken for granted (until that time I forgot to pay the bill!). I would totally have to change my life if either of those went missing for whatever reason.
Showing daily gratitude constantly reminds me of the situation I am in so even if I do take things for granted I can still put out to the world my appreciation.
How did I change today?
It’s appropriate that this question came up today and though my answer doesn’t actually show a change on this day it is the day that I noticed how I have changed in the last couple of years.
The day of challenges thrown at me (described above) would have been handled differently maybe even just one year ago.
I am comfortable where I am right now though I’m unsure if I can take this positive relaxed attitude into future stressful situations that may arise. Nothing to do except to find out.
BB took this picture because Khawhom (pictured) was using my phone to hotspot so I left it on her desk. BB was one of the students whose phone I had confiscated and she cheekily picked up my phone. I noticed and assumed that she was taking lots of pictures in a defiant amusing act of revenge but surprisingly this was the only one. It is also the only picture taken today.
Growing up being told a mystery Was the most interesting thing to be A facade, facing out Where I can keep and claim the real me Trying to make sense of the times Dizzy with the fumes of youth The facade falls down At the telling of a vulnerable truth
It’s started already. I turned off my 8 a.m. alarm and enjoyed dreams of hanging with my students when the pleasure was broken with the scream of ‘AUOOON! Fix this for me please’ Well, good morning! It’s an hour later now, on my second coffee after a cold shower and still I feel not awake.
Today I’m grateful for:
The plumber who came to fix up a few things around our house this morning. He nearly got away without fixing the main issue because Amy told me it was done but when I checked it wasn’t. Back to the frustrations of miscommunications!
The best thing about today was:
Amy making me busy. If she’s not here I will relax the day away, enjoying it but not getting most of the things done that we did today. Most of it is cleaning and tidying which I’m motivated to do in a different time frame to her.
When I went to Utopia I joked with Art about Amy being back, shaking my head and looking up to the heavens. Art said, ‘You prefer to be alone?’ I said ’No, both are ok. It’s just the change that is difficult.’
Besides the plumber coming, the electrician also came and fixed the electric shocks coming from our oven as well as fixing some issues with our cameras. Our home feels slightly less dilapidated now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Almost everything was out of my control as I submitted myself to Amy’s whims and direction. I did lose my temper in frustration this morning when I couldn’t use my mobile banking app on this new phone and setting it up proved to be impossible without going to an ATM. Frustrating at the time but easily resolved in the end.
Something I learned today?
I watched a few iPhone videos before for tips and tricks to set it up the way I want but stopped watching when I realised my old iPhone 8 couldn’t do a lot of them. Today I was able to catch up.
I took this picture because Amy is back but doesn’t want her picture taken!
We are a dysfunctional family of four Carrying our tools across the floor Ready to give you all from the heart Before finally ripping ourselves apart
Going from friends to colleagues We grew along with our intrigues Soon we melded ourselves into one Deciding to take the whole world on
The fun stopped one night in the rain The last note ringing could never explain A flick of the switch to mark the end The crowd goodbyes a dearest friend
Dining out on those glories past Provoked so many questions asked Time will put in order the truths The connection made by these four youths
written after reading the Jawbreaker interviews in We Owe You Nothing
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good again. I had better energy and was able to do my warmup in the morning before coffee. The rest of the day has been a steady supply of all right.
Today I’m grateful for:
The beautiful fat dark clouds covering the tops of the mountains this morning after a night of intermittent rain. It looks like it will rain more but I decided to ride my motorbike out for coffee so that I could remember the feeling of being cold (the rain is cold but the air isn’t).
The best thing about today was:
Finally getting to see the Swans win again and with their biggest-ever victory margin as they scored over 200 points against the troubled Eagles. It wasn’t much of a contest but it was better than watching another dire struggle and losing. I managed to beat my shirts into shape getting the ironing done at the same time too. A winning day.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve wrenched something in the middle finger middle joint on my right hand and it hurts like hell. I’m not sure when I did it. I did a bit of weeding but I can’t remember feeling anything untoward at the time. It could’ve been when I was hanging, though I don’t recall anything much then either. Playing an hour of guitar probably hasn’t helped either. I’m going to handle it by going to sleep and hope it feels better in the morning.
Something I learned today?
The biggest winning margin the Swans have had is 171 points, which they equalled today. It’s also the first 200-plus point game by any team since 2011. I don’t think it reflects how good the Swans were but how bad the Eagles were.
What is my favourite form of self-expression?
Is this not the living breathing thinking acting form of myself? If I move, if I open my mouth. My favourite form? Myself as a whole. Take it or leave it.
I took this picture from Facebook because it’s fascinating to see Chiang Rai in 1977 which is when I’d just moved to my grandparents’ house in Dorset. It was also 2 years before Amy was even born. This made me think of everything Amy’s grandmum must have seen change in her lifetime here. Time is fast, time is slow.
Today I’m feeling: Happy Today I’m grateful for: Seeing most of my students again, one month older. Even in that short time, they change quickly. I wonder if I do too. The best thing about today was: Happily waiting at the bank to open a new account. It took about an hour to just get seen but after that was easy. The thing is, it never felt like an hour as I was prepared mentally and kept myself busy with my phone and my brain. What do you love about the month of November? Right now it’s gotta be the cooler air. So good to almost feel cold. It’s almost time to start putting on a t-shirt. Daytime is still melting but a little less intense.
I took this picture because I just happened to glance outside to see this as I was eating a big bowl of salad. The sun had already gone behind the mountains a good 40 minutes already so this was a bit of a surprise.
An entertainment to end all others Viewers left zombied gibbering wrecks Weaponised for controlling populations Shoulders hunched until snapping necks Bodies broken boxed in the matrix Life supported until accounts drained A no one dies a nobody death Disposed and destroyed, existence unexplained
Human life is not sacred until all life is sacred to humans.
Doc Dart
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to handle changing situations quickly and be able to manage my expectations.
She grew up in the countryside A daughter of farming folks Nothing much expected of her The butt of the villagers’ jokes
The poverty that surrounded her Made no sense as she grew older And she stopped believing The things that her teachers told her
Revolution in the hearts and minds Consciousness was being raised And the young girl from the village Was now the one being praised
She stood for what she believed To bring her country change And the people stood strong together With a better system to arrange
She saw the source of the problem Came directly from the top Wild plans were being formulated To bring them to stop
Bullets and brains were deployed At times it seemed too hard But soon the house would collapse By removing a single card
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the farmer and his cows eating through the jungle on the other side of our fence.
Gui has got me onto a different he calls Dirty. Cold milk, a teaspoon of cream and an overextracted shot of coffee. I’ve taken to it. It’s a little more expensive but I think I will drink less. Let’s see!
In one of my classes (2/9 – the good class!) yesterday we were talking about democracy and dictatorships and I explained that our class was a dictatorship but then I started thinking about the Montessori schools and how their classes are often like a democracy.
I might try this with this class next semester – I think there are enough smart students in the class to make it work and it could be fun. I’ll try to read up on how teachers work in those classes.
Amy has been getting busier with her cake-making (cinnamon bun making) and I told her yesterday how proud I was of her skills and abilities.
We had also been talking about what happened with George last week and I had been thinking about why it upsets me. Amy keeps talking about when we invited him and Bee to stay at our house and Bee saying what a big deal it was for him so he obviously had some expectation for our friendship after that but I said, ‘That’s the thing. I feel like I trusted this person as sincere and honest and now I feel like I’ve been tricked and made a fool of.’ And we realise that this was exactly what had happened with Amy and Bebe all those years ago.
Bebe sucked Amy in with so many nice words but only to manipulate the friendship in her favour. I saw it easily and immediately with Bebe but I was fooled by George.
We live and learn and I’m happy enough with the friends in my life, whether they are close or not.
There’s a tipping point, no longer equalised Catch it quick, as soon as it’s recognised Adjust the balance, time for compromise An equilibrium now realised There’s a boiling point where the flames are fanned Control is lost to the waves of shifting sand Change is coming forced by the people’s hand Too little, too late and too old to understand
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for spending time out at Amy’s parents today and getting fed plus picking up some bits and pieces around town.
1994ever 