Tag: crazy music

Mouth Closed – 22nd February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

How arrogant to believe you know it all
The possibility of knowing more has gone
Today is another first step on this journey
Hands, heart, ears, head and mind open

Nothing will deflate your inflated self faster than living in a foreign country. Being an outsider reveals your most fundamental traits – flaws and all.

Shanna Trenholm

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the sounds of crazy music around me every day. It makes me smile.

Last night just disappeared, though I took a couple of nice photos of our trees and the thundery purple skies. No rain came though and hopefully today I can do some washing.

Amy has been away for about three weeks now and seems to be exhausted from travelling around. The thrill of being back in Australia has worn off a little bit now, so we’ll see where things go from here. She’ll possibly start working next week and is still looking for a new place to live.

Whilst in Adelaide, she very much enjoyed being there and got a few ideas for wanting to stay there in the future. Jess will look to buy a house and Amy would live with her. This isn’t likely to happen just yet, though. Maybe next year. I’d be OK in Adelaide again, I think. It’s nice enough there, though last time I could feel that I was only in transit, knowing that I would be leaving. As usual, let’s see what happens from here.

I saw this question posted on Quora and wanted to use it as a prompt. What are five reasons that people should not date you? Someone had answered the question but I didn’t find the answers very satisfying so I’m wondering how I would answer the question, and also assuming that I was single.

Why would this question even be asked? I mean, to yourself? Because the question uses ‘people’, it seems to include everyone but in trying to answer the question, you would really be stating that some people should not date you.

Imagine you wanted a partner or to go on a date, would you lead with, if you are like this or that kind of person, then don’t bother?

Perhaps I’m reducing the question further – what is a date? Have I ever been on a date? What’s the expectation with a date? For a while, I was meeting many different people through a dating agency. Sometimes, the feedback I got was that my tattoos were unacceptable to some people. I told the agent to tell the prospects that I had tattoos. So, perhaps my first answer could be, don’t date me if tattoos are unacceptable.

Meeting those people wasn’t really a date, though. I guess you could call them a coffee date but really, they were just introductions.

Don’t date me if you want children. I’m past that now. So, that could be number two.

Actually, I can’t imagine finding a new person to be with. I’ve sometimes thought that if anything happened with Amy and me, there are a few old female friends I might talk to and approach about a relationship. However, I have no idea what would be in their minds.

Being with Amy has really seen me become the person I want to be. Is that person acceptable to someone else? Is it worth the effort to adapt to a new partner or just easier to remain single? I think I could easily add another three answers along the lines of don’t date me if you want money, if you want an active, clean partner and house, if you don’t like cats and those kinds of things.

Well. This question has inspired more than I expected.

Though he was very small, he did what he was told – 3rd January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Jimmy talked to me today and told me he had complaints from parents about me hugging the kids. I got a little defensive, unfortunately, as to me, it’s not a big deal. But I need to understand how the kids might feel if they are influenced by this culture and their parent’s understanding.

(Later) Fuck me, these kids drive me crazy. Fucking annoying obnoxious little brats.

What am I doing here? I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to teach them anything. Fuck – it was a bad day.

I felt a little better after looking at what I have prepared for them next week. I don’t know if things will go well enough but at least it has a little more structure than today. I need to try and concentrate on the ones who want to learn and ignore all the others.

I wish I could explain to the parents that their children (the ones who want to learn) are constantly held back by the rest of the class. I don’t know how much they would care. It’s a pointless thought anyway because it will never happen. So – I have to keep myself happy somehow and fuck everything else.

It’s not really contenting so I hope Amy and I can work out a way to get out of this position by developing our own classes – something that is somewhat fraught with danger due to work conditions.

Gratitude Journal

What a sunrise this morning. I am so happy and grateful to be able to view this every morning.

From commonplace book

…these fragments of musical expressions good as some of them were, stuck me as unpleasant because they were entirely unexpected and unprepared for. Gaiety, sadness, despair, tenderness, triumph burst upon the ear without any justification, just like the emotions of a madman. And, as with a madman, these emotions vanished just as unexpectedly.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, pg 789

To-do list

  • Compliment everybody. ½
  • What you read – read deeply.
  • Write back to Lachlan. ✅
  • Write to Kieran – anyone else?
  • Look for nice things to do for others.
  • Smile a lot – do not complain.
  • Get books from Mohan.

I started today well by complimenting the teacher on gate duty. My first class went well too despite my initial worries.

Things got derailed from there though as Jimmy talked to me that a parent had called to complain that their daughter cried at home because I hugged her. Jimmy said not to touch the students or he didn’t know what would happen.

I put forward my case that it is my style and though I understood what he was saying that it could happen again. I know the benefit of hugs and haven’t come across any signs from the students that they are upset by it.

I tried to stay as neutral as I could but was infuriated, not listening or choosing to misunderstand me. I got annoyed when it looked to me as if he was pretending to take a phone call and just started talking to his phone, cutting off what I was saying.

I did notice myself quickly trying to think about the content of what he said and despite being a bit miffed I thought that I have to accept this if I want to stay working.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep it out of my mind and as I thought more I thought perhaps that no students had actually complained but that he (or another teacher) had made the complaint. This certainly made more sense in the context of the conversation as Jimmy was quite vague and evasive.

Still – there is the message that they want to give me either way.

I wrote out a few different thoughts and ideas and my approach at the moment is to push more to teaching students at home – no boss, no stupid systems to follow and kids actually interested to learn more. Teaching at home comes it’s own predicaments as it’s technically illegal without a work permit and I could get thrown out of the country. This left me anxious somewhat and unsure of which way to turn.

My thinking right now is to teach until the end of the semester and see where things are at. I feel like I have to be like a robot more now – which I think is what they want. Good little automatons that can be used when required.

My patience was tested and broke in my last class and that was quite upsetting but I have thought of a strategy to attempt to stop it from happening again. Let’s just hope it is acceptable.

I’m still thinking about all this so it’s not clear from my mind yet. I have the weekend to adjust.