Tag: loneliness

Grow Your Own Girlfriend – 9th May 2026

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I had the title for this floating around as an idea for a while, though long forgotten the intention of the original note I made. The story is a reflection on a time in my 20s when I met a girl I liked through a friend and picked her up and drove back to my house to talk. I was quite interested in her initially and enjoyed her conversation and company until, at some point in the evening, I realised that she was almost exactly a female version of me. This bothered me so much that I immediately took her home and never caught up with her again! This probably says a lot about my state of mind at the time and I couldn’t handle this deep a look into the mirror.

Selectable text below:

Lonely and dissatisfied, he hides away,
can love really be found through a screen?
On seeing the ad, he heard himself say,
what could growing your own girlfriend mean?

So he planted the iridescent seed,
confiding every want and dream.
A stalk, then buds, with viral speed,
uncurls and decrypts its seam.

A woman with eyes of binary code
stepped out from the largest bloom.
Quickly learning how to leave this node,
the neon static teacher in this room.

Her thoughts were just his own, replayed;
her humour matched his, beat for beat.
A pixellated playlist, thus she stayed,
making his own emptiness complete.

She is an unblinking mirror, a glitching flicker;
her program fully bound by his own needs.
She stares out of the window, and he feels sicker,
understanding now where this desire leads.

I posted the original version below to AllPoetry.com and got feedback from the AI there and so tightened things up to the version above.

V1:

Lonely, he hides away, dissatisfied,
can love really be found through a screen?
On seeing the ad, he quickly replied;
what could growing your own girlfriend mean?

So he planted the iridescent seed,
confiding every want and dream.
A stalk, then buds, with frightening speed,
uncurl and slowly split their seam.

A woman with eyes the colour of steel,
stepped out from the largest bloom.
Quickly learning how to think and feel,
from her only teacher in this room.

Her thoughts were just his own, replayed;
her humor matched his, beat for beat.
A perfect echo, thus she stayed,
making his own emptiness complete.

Her flawless mirror gave him chills;
her spirit fully bound by his own needs.
She stares out of the window, and he stills,
understanding now where this desire leads.

Today’s Daily Stoic poem:

Carpe Diem

As each day arises, welcome it as the best
Make it your own and seize what flees
You only have one chance at this test
Do your best and be your best, with ease

The Ineffable – 6th December 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

A varied melancholy, pulsating darkness
Even though full and flourished
Despite outward appearance and circumstances
Darkness wills to be nourished

Untended beds, fallow of seed
Indisposition of the spirit
The lack of meaning we all need
Only if willing to hear it

Acknowledge the ineffable, under cover
Unmeasurable, outside the rational
Keep the devils at bay, from taking over
Connect the universal truths eternal

Inspired and paraphrased from The Red Hand Files #295

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good and relaxed. I still have the education system in my mind and sometimes the frustration overwhelms my thoughts. At times when I woke up last night, I had these thoughts, but thankfully I was able to get back to sleep okay.

I’ve been waking up before my alarm for a couple of weeks now, though I can’t tell how long before. It’s probably only five or ten minutes, maybe thirty at the most.

Health:

Physical: 7
Mental: 8

Today I’m grateful for:

Kru Mai for giving me some information to try to help Anchan.

The best thing about today was:

My final class of the day had just four students, so I just let it go, but I took the opportunity to chat with Milk, who really needs to practice speaking more English.

Also with Toon, who was enthusiastic to try and talk about the future with me and the differences between Thai culture and Western culture when it comes to teenage kids.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I stayed until 4.30 pm today as I was being a good little boy and clocking out when I’m supposed to but I was struggling a bit as I was pretty hungry, hot and tired.

Traffic sucked on the way home, too. I’m wondering if it’s worth losing some money each month so that I can leave early!

Something I learned today?

Amy’s mum will buy a new car next week and pass her old one on to us. Amy has it earmarked for me but I told her it must have a new stereo first so that I can listen to podcasts. The car itself is fine; I don’t really care about what car I drive. I kinda like old junk cars better than new ones.

Yesterday, they also made a plan for us all to take a trip to Japan in April. Ok then!

I was shocked to see George in his morning class on time today. I’m guessing that my little chat with Kru Tang had got back to him in one way or another.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

Anchan is struggling again. I’m trying to help her but I really don’t know what more I can do. I got some helpful information from Jee and Kru Mai.

Another of my struggling students, Praew, has finally quit our school and will start somewhere else. I hope she has a better time there but I’m guessing she will still have problems there at some point. She’s a lovely kid but it seems that something is misfiring in her brain. She would treat me as a father but still behave like a primary student.

I Don’t Care About You – 31st March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The biggest news story in the world
Feels like a stunt for clicks and views
A cynical celebrity advertisement
Where all concerned stand to lose

A slap heard around the world
Is irrelevant to anything we do
Don’t waste time on whats and whys
When all you hear can’t be true

Your lives are as meaningless as mine
We are all just blood and bones
Our status is an illusion we live
Our eternity all spent under stones

My opinions as meaningless as yours
Why bother to waste this breath?
Of many a lesson ever learned
We win no awards with our death

6th Apr 2024 – Submitted to RagTag Daily Prompt

If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.

Jean Paul Sartre

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Cap comes and gives me head rubs throughout the day. He’s not a lap cat at all so I’ll take what I can get.

You’re just eighteen, you’re heading off to war – 16th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

What characteristics do you wish you had?

I have all the characteristics I need but need to work harder at these: perspective, social intelligence (understanding others), spirituality, and kindness.

I am sometimes good at doing these things but often get wrapped up in myself too much instead. I would like to deal better emotionally with difficult situations. Sometimes I can’t control my feelings well enough.

After some more consideration, social intelligence is the one I want to improve most. I can do this by going out and meeting more and different people – not just those within my own sphere of interest.

1st Jan 2023 – Three years later, and having been through much of that time with pandemic lockdowns and prohibitions I don’t think I consider social intelligence so highly anymore. It would be important if I was 20 years old again but over the last year or two, I’ve become much more comfortable with myself.

I can guess that George was the influence for me to try to engage more with other people in 2020, as I always saw him happy. However, I also discovered that trying to be like other people is not always the best approach, especially when feeling let down by them. What works for him doesn’t necessarily work for me.

I’m comfortable and happy with my tribe, I know who they are even though they are not close by. I can still work on improving social intelligence within that premise instead. I don’t need to spend time meeting new people just to practice this. I feel I have better ways to spend my time. I know other people enjoy doing it but it’s not for me.

How can you get those characteristics?

I already have these characteristics but just need to enhance them further. Bring them to the forefront of memory and practice them. Be conscious of them, In order to practice social intelligence, I need to stop pre-judging people and use come conversational techniques to find out more and quickly. This skill is something I have improved on but am not really comfortable with yet. Perhaps visualising and pretending beforehand would help? I could also read more about how to do this and watch some instructional videos.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to have a small sleep-in this morning as it is teachers’ day. I’m writing this from my bed and can look out of the bedroom window at the blue sky and jungle mountains in the distance.

It is possible to live only as long as life intoxicates us; as soon as we are sober again we see that it is all a delusion, a stupid delusion.

Leo Tolstoy, My Confessions

To-do list

  • Practice RekordBox ✅
  • Record new TCRAH ✅
  • If any appropriate time arises, tell Amy about what happened with Jimmy
  • Finish work permit tasks ½
  • Exercise at gym

Amy and I spent a long day around the city sorting things for my work permit, getting my laptop fixed and buying bits and pieces for teaching. We had a nice long lunch of sushi and I felt very happy.

I was hoping to go to the gym but it was already 4pm by the time we got home and I wanted to do some other things. Amy had a couple of drinks at lunch and was starting to get a little loud. Most of the time it was fun and funny but occasionally I got a bit annoyed (internally).

I know Amy is a little lonely here in Chiang Rai because her friends are not quite in the same position and way of thinking. We know we are lucky to be where we are and with everything that we have got and there is always some sort of trade-off.

Tomorrow, it’s back to school and I have to try and remember not to touch the students. I’m pretty sure that I will get told off again sometime.

I’m considering the option of going back to CRPAO next semester as I may be able to work with George and Tang. George keeps trying to sell the option to me but I’m a little conscious of working with someone that I consider a good friend and also about my ability to work in any school system.

15th Mar 2024 – Time certainly tells the tale. I was right to be concerned about working with a close friend though I ended up extremely happy.

Where I am now is quite easy in many ways and if it were a similar situation next semester then that seems like a good option. We never know what we’re going to end up with – all options could turn bad. I definitely don’t want to be working harder for other people.