Big Tokes – 29th November 2022

Fucked up and thinking
All the crazy thoughts
Eyes half shut and drooping
Smashed out of sorts
Time stretched and twisted
An hour, a second, a day
Wake up next week
With nothing left to say
Your brain on drugs
The egg now over-fried
Paranoia and suspicion
Now set deep inside

I don’t want innovations which improve my shopping experience or make smartphones a tiny bit better. I want innovations which eliminate world hunger…innovations which help humans live in harmony with our ecosystem.

Caitlin Johnstone

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and high
Today I’m grateful for:
Matt giving me some kratom tea and then some weed tea at his place that had me fucked up and paranoid on the way home and when I got in I went straight to bed where I kinda fell in and out of dream state. I woke up an hour later groggy and still slightly bent. I’ve done nothing else but be lazy tonight. Weed really seems to be the best drug to keep people sedated.
The best thing about today was:
Having fun with my kids in class again. I think we got past the rocky start we had last week and I feel a little more confident again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Well, due to that unexpected high I wasn’t able to do things that I would normally want to do and I’m at peace with that decision. I felt out of control and the way to deal with it was just to slow everything down.
What are you curious about?
I’d like to say I’m curious about everything but that’s not really true. I’m probably less curious about many things now just out of laziness. There are things I don’t need to know. Actually, so much I don’t need to know. With modern technology, I wonder if my kids feel like this about everything. Just find out what you need to know when you need it. Maybe in the foreseeable future, this will be a benefit.

I took this picture because this is the first foggy morning of winter. Despite it being cooler in the morning we’ve needed the aircon on again at night and right now I’m sweating away with two fans before heading into the chilly bedroom.

We got that attitude! – 19th June 2020

I am so happy and grateful that I pushed myself for a few extra minutes this morning, forcing myself out of bed, doing some more stretches and exercise.

Brain dump

Not sure of the date – losing time! Sebadoh today. Soul and Fire.

Woke up in my dream – it was an interesting dream. I was visiting a psychiatrist and had been waiting with tons of other people for ages – was drinking terrible coffee – psych laughed with me about how bad it was.

Sat down with her eventually, felt safe and secure. She started talking about people in my past and bad things that have happened to them despite them being rich and happy (ambitious). They had tried to cheat and got caught. I told that I heard about it even though I was very far removed from these events. I felt happy that they had been caught – somehow, that they had been brought down to my level.

When I woke up I wondered why I thought like that. And why I needed to say anything. I didn’t really need to say or think about these people at all but I somehow keep comparing myself to others. I need to value my own self.

I was also disappointed I woke up before I got to tell the psych whatever it was I was feeling. Maybe my subconscious wanted me to wake up before I could get the advice because it knows I already have the advice in my head. I just need to remember and use it already.

Memories about a Chinese girl in the MacQuarrie Uni class – I’d liked her but acted so dumb and stupid. I got upset with her because she acted cold to me but still said nice things. I didn’t understand this at the time.

Though he was very small, he did what he was told – 3rd January 2020

Jimmy talked to me today and told me he had complaints from parents about me hugging the kids. I got a little defensive, unfortunately, as to me, it’s not a big deal. But I need to understand how the kids might feel if they are influenced by this culture and their parent’s understanding.

(Later) Fuck me, these kids drive me crazy. Fucking annoying obnoxious little brats.

What am I doing here? I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to teach them anything. Fuck – it was a bad day.

I felt a little better after looking at what I have prepared for them next week. I don’t know if things will go well enough but at least it has a little more structure than today. I need to try and concentrate on the ones who want to learn and ignore all the others.

I wish I could explain to the parents that their children (the ones who want to learn) are constantly held back by the rest of the class. I don’t know how much they would care. It’s a pointless thought anyway because it will never happen. So – I have to keep myself happy somehow and fuck everything else.

It’s not really contenting so I hope Amy and I can work out a way to get out of this position by developing our own classes – something that is somewhat fraught with danger due to work conditions.

Gratitude Journal

What a sunrise this morning. I am so happy and grateful to be able to view this every morning.

I’ve got my own strategies for my life – 6th December 2019

What is an unusual habit or absurd thing you love?

I’m not sure that I have an unusual habit – if it’s a habit it would be pretty normal.

Absurd things I love though – that would have to be the music I enjoy. I really enjoy music that is difficult to listen to. Cerebral I guess most would call it. Sometimes it’s not even something I enjoy listening to – well, the music – I enjoy the process – the emotional response – even if it is negative.

Amy would be able to list so many things for me here – she really doesn’t enjoy most of the movies I like either.

Despite years of trying to shut my brain off, it looks like I actually enjoy thinking.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to wake up a little earlier than normal today and walk around my garden as the sun was not yet risen over the mountains. It was cold but peaceful. Kim joined me, running with her little legs as fast as she could.