Come on and give me my drugs – 21st July 2002

It’s getting worse.
I see my whole life mapped out in descent.
All my mistakes stay with me.
I make them again.
I kill me.

I’ve betrayed everyone. But I betrayed one too many. The one I loved most. It’s hard to get back up from this one and it has been over a year now.

Beer is here of course – my friend for too long.
I kill me.

How long before I betray Hayden? Can I be that selfish?

8th Mar 2022 – Still in my darkness. The fallout of a betrayal to someone I loved deeply and hurt badly. There were reasons for the betrayal, possibly justified and I did try to handle it softly but in the end, I had to tell the truth. Asked if I regretted what happened I said no. But I did regret having to tell the truth to make things clear. I didn’t want that truth to be painful for her, perhaps because I knew that in time, and as such times as this, the truth would turn around and become more painful for me.

I missed her so much, but only when I wasn’t distracted with directing my affections elsewhere. She had understood that about me very early on in our relationship. She was way smarter than me.

So after this betrayal, and the one that led to that relationship in the first place, I began to wonder when I would betray my own son. I felt like I hurt everyone I loved. There were reasons those things happened. I’m still stuck on the pain of the end of that relationship even now. I don’t think I regret it though. We all learned some things and grew from them, whether we wanted to or not.

It’s only everything standing in front of me – 23rd October 1994

Sometimes I lose it, all this living is too much. What happened to my nice ordinary life! This big move I’ve made has been very easy up until now and I’m probably experiencing some kind of post trauma, only natural that I’m going to miss people and all the regular stuff I was used to doing on the other side of the planet.

I’ve been in touch with those people which is good, though sometimes after talking to people on the phone, later in the day I get kinda depressed for no particular conscious reason. At least I realise all this, so I know what’s going on, to be able to change or have some affect on my life and the few problems it throws up.

Remember I’m always saying to live life and here I am doing that – I didn’t realise how scary it could get!  But it has got to be done, I don’t really want to go back to how things were, back to England (just yet*), not while there are things to be gained from this experience and even if I don’t get to understand the meaning and impact of all these things til I’m seventy, then that will be the time to change, move on to something new, head for a different direction. Then I will know that I’ve gone down this avenue and explored it fully.

*it would be eleven years before I first went back