“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
It’s been over a year now
With a poem every day
Sometimes it’s a struggle
To think of something to say
Now all my teachers are dead except silence.
W.S. Merwin
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that the week is almost done. I survived, had fun, small annoyances but all is as expected.
Is a choice between two evils
Even a choice at all?
And the middle is mediocre
If that’s where the chips fall
The balance of all power
Remains in the hands of a few
So the systems maintain
If the parties are one or two
Where corruption can be stamped out
And happiness prevails
Any system promoting self-interest
Will be the one that fails
The real object of pity is the person who has never been through adversity.
Seneca
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to meet all my new students yesterday. They all look cute, happy and expectant.
When it’s decided nothing is decided
What is left over will remain divided
Rewritten histories and redrawn maps
Humanity adjusts to new handicaps
Once the war is over it’s only just begun
Here comes another, and another one
Victory propaganda, revisionist extolling
Amounts to nothing as the tanks keep rolling
I am here, living, and in the depths of my existence there is a thirst and hunger, and I find joy in partaking of the bread and wine of life from the vases which I make and fashion by my own hands.
Yusif, The Tempest by Kahlil Gibran
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to see all my students again. They make me happy and I’m already back to dreaming about them and thinking about our classes. It’s like my brain switched on again.
For mortals, the ‘easy life of the gods’ would be a lifeless life.
Hannah Arendt, The Human Condition
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my guitars that I can pick up and play when I feel like it.
So the plan today was to go to school and hang around for a bit and then go to Central to get my booster shot. I was going to go yesterday but forgot my passport, which apparently is required. I woke up feeling pretty good, exercised and fed the cats etc. I did feel a bit absent-minded though and I was missing Amy more than usual.
So, I did hang around at school, doing grading and nosing around the ‘event’ – I don’t know what it was, an open day, but only open to students. Each program had a stall set up and all students were supposed to go to each and get a stamp on a sheet of paper. Something which could be achieved in under an hour, but will go on for two days.
It only just occurred to me, the absurdity of the program names. Something I keep reminding my students when they don’t want to work – this is the ‘Talented English Program’. We have lots of ‘Talented’ programs as well as ‘Genius’ programs but just calling them that doesn’t make them so! And there are programs such as Hospitality and Aviation or Japanese Business! Why?
I know my own education history is singularly English, 1980’s style and that it generally sucked and I couldn’t understand why we learned the things we learned and here I am on the other side of the classroom, not understanding still. No clues are given either.
I’ve mentioned before that the most contented teachers are those who don’t really care – just let the kids have fun, sing songs and play with their phones. But I can’t be like that. I want to do a good job, I want to inspire where I can.
I think about the Stoic phrase along the lines of ‘Get up in the morning and get to your work as a human. It’s your job.’ I have a job as a teacher, as a human, and I want to do it well.
Anyway, I went off to Central to find out they stopped the vaccine centre there yesterday! I was tired and running out of energy, not wanting to face going back to school and walking around the same stalls I’d already seen twice, earlier. So I drove home, a little dizzy and distracted. I pulled up at the gate and got out to open it, noticing the car was suddenly moving forward! It pushed the gate off the roller rail before I jumped in to stop it, knocking a hole in the gate panels. Argh! Fuck!
I cleaned up the mess, fixed the gate back on the rail, popped the car bumper back in and decided I needed more sleep.
I really don’t like these school days outside the routine. This shows me what I need in my life to be comfortable. I’m not normally a fan of routine as such but can recognise its advantages for me. If I stop working, I will have to build myself a new routine that works for me. I can’t just melt into the couch all day – tempting as that might be.
Based on a Ray Charles quote
The slickest way to lie is to tell the right amount of truth – then shut up.
Jubal, Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have 5 minutes each morning to meditate. It’s difficult to control my thoughts but this exercise helps.
Last night I remembered I had weed tincture in the fridge. I’d forgotten all about it. It was a big jar – could probably last 3 or 4 months. And I dropped it on the kitchen floor, smashing the glass and spreading beautiful green oil across the room. It was so surreal – I just stood there. Many high nights disappeared into the soon-to-disappear paper towels. I’m not sure if it was connected but I didn’t go to sleep until late, reading comic after comic. My mind was awake, possibly reeling.
I woke this morning, up and at them, workout, feed cats, shower, muesli and yoghurt, drive to work, sign in, go for coffee. I met Fui, whom I hadn’t seen for a few weeks and he talked about his orchids blooming at his place. I had also noticed my orchids blooming in their pots, though now I’m thinking about moving them into the tree as Fui has them.
Back to school for an easy lesson with 2/11 (grade 8), discovering Natali has moved schools. After almost two years, unable to speak any English, I noticed last week she was able to finally say something coherent to me! And now, she’s gone!
It seems Boss will leave at the end of this semester too. The class will be down to just 15 or 16 students next year! I hope I can teach them. Even with a couple of annoying and lazy students, that number is great! As ever – let’s see.
The kids didn’t want to study but I made them – in a relaxed manner. I let them eat and take their time and maybe a couple learned something. I was going to go to the hospital to get my toe checked out but considering I may be waiting all afternoon, I decided to come home instead. Great!
I finished off moving stuff from my room into the living room and digging it this way right now. Can read a book, email, listen to music, play guitar or watch Netflix – all in this one room again. Amy won’t be happy – haha – but she’s not here!
Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real.
Sylvia Plath
Yesterday was another awesome day of relaxing, along with a little furniture rearrangement. As Amy had been talking more seriously about staying in Australia for longer and I have been struggling to get out to my room often, I decided to bring some things in from there, slowly bringing in bookshelves and books and moving the TV to make more space for my desk and computer, plus guitar and stereo.
After starting all that, when I talked with Amy later that evening, she suggested she may come back soon if the job in Sydney doesn’t work out! I tried to hide my amusement at these events and when we talk on video, I try to hide the changes for now.
I have been thinking and reading (by coincidence) about solitude and wondering about being lonely. In fact, I don’t feel lonely at all but wondering if I should be. I don’t want to forget how to be ‘normal’ with people, become some weird eccentric, although I think I am eccentric, I don’t think I’m weird at all. So. I’ve read some articles about solitdue and the benefits of it. It’s another reason to make our home more about me while Amy is away. I like being able to access my books easily. I can’t bring my CDs in, unfortunately, but I will bring in a few at a time to listen. I want to spend a little more time actually listening to music again.
5th May 2026 – I would still like to find more time to listen to music. This has dropped off in favour of reading and writing mostly.
This Monday morning I woke up feeling good and positive and happily enjoyed my first class. I’m still teaching while everyone else seems to be slowing down already. I can’t stand watching the kids doing nothing constructive. I can relax the pace of my work but I still want my students to understand or learn the benefits of doing.
As I was leaving for coffee, Dylan and George were sitting outside Le Paradis, so I decided to join them, asking if it was ok first. George quickly made his exit and I had a quick word with Dylan about the way George is behaving. He said it seems that George doesn’t give people a second chance. Still, to me, that is something personal and doesn’t affect me – it’s still no reason to be rude. I warned Dylan that the same thing could happen to him but as he is leaving at the end of the semester anyway, he should be safe.
Dylan asked what we will do next semester when he is gone but I’m still worried that I won’t be recontracted and that George may have some input into that. He can influence TLC and the school to get rid of me if he wishes. Let’s see. Whatever happens, I’ll be fine.
*Inspired and pilfered from Khalil Gibran’s parable ‘The Madman’
17th Apr 2024 – Submitted to WDYS
You cannot define a person on just one thing. You can’t just forget all these wonderful and good things that a person has done because one thing didn’t come off the way you thought it should come off.
Aretha Franklin
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have found my regular breakfast of yoghurt and muesli. My modern version of cornflakes and milk.
Yesterday was such a fantastically relaxing day to savour that I didn’t have the urge to write anything here. I went to school in the morning, half-expecting a repeat of Thursday but it was apparent that the feeling was not the same. Some teachers tried to keep the energy up and there were some performances for anyone interested but in general, the kids were bored and sprawled around the floors, glued to their phones.
I wandered around from basketball to volleyball to football and even the few kids around were saying, ‘come on, let’s go home.’ Time for me to leave too, and as I went back to my car, I found other teachers doing the same. This is my school life? I won’t complain but if I were a parent, I wouldn’t be happy and if I were a studious type, I wouldn’t either. I love teaching with the kids or being at home but I don’t enjoy just wasting time.
I contemplated going back in the afternoon just to show my face but I was so happy at home, I quickly gave up on that idea. Right now I’m sitting in the Nissan dealership expecting to wait a couple of hours whilst they do some work on the car. I came prepared with laptop and books.
We receive three educations, one from our parents, one from our school masters and one from the world. The third contradicts all that the first two teach us.
Baron De Montesquieu
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I have no classes for the next two days and should be able to find some free time for myself.
The first of two sports days today and this morning was really enjoyable, mostly hanging out with my students as they too wandered around not really knowing what to do. I sat and watched the green team play football and win the game on penalties, with my old student Sila being the hero of the day.
Watching the kids play soccer made me remember my own time of doing it every weekend for my old school team. I’m sure we were as bad as the teams I watched this morning but we were all having great competitive fun.
I’ll pop back in after having coffee but probably leave early and go shopping and then home!
I’ve had to do some revision on unwanted thoughts. Over the last six months or so, I feel like a lot of my thoughts are comparing myself with George, thinking about his actions and my actions. Aware that they are both similar but wishing to side with myself to satisfy my ego. I am hyper aware of faults, my own and others. But this is not productive for me. I don’t need to constantly compare myself with someone else to make myself feel better. I know what my good points are (and know there are things that I could improve should I wish to). I’m not out to win any popularity contest. For me, it implies mediocrity and too much insincerity. I understand that others may not feel this way.
Anyway, I know I am hard-working for the things I believe in and ambivalent about things that don’t currently hold any interest for me. I know that some of those things may catch my interest later. I never thought I would enjoy learning about Macbeth for instance, yet that is what happened.
I am thoughtful. I like to think about things. I enjoy the process. It’s my method to achieve a deeper understanding. I am quite introverted and I am super content in my own world. I love people yet don’t want to be so close to them. I am connected with people in my tribe, though that tribe seems to be shrinking as we grow older.
I am kind and helpful to the people I like. I am polite to the average people who don’t interest me and whilst I try to avoid the people I don’t like, I try to maintain politeness as much as I can.
I am English and have a deep-seated connection to that upbringing, despite my trying to counter it for much of the last three decades. Yes, I’m sarcastic but I try to keep that within the sphere of people who understand and appreciate that ie. with other British people. It’s how Dylan and I can communicate on a level that is not appreciated by some other English speakers. Aussies don’t get it much so I had twenty years adjusting myself. And most Aussies don’t udnerstand it all. That’s fine, so long as I can control myself. There are times, I know, that I can’t identify it, though.
What I’m saying is that I’m fine with me, the way I am.
I’m a father, trying my best. Sometimes it’s not good enough but it will never change the fact of what I am. I can still improve everything in my life but I also accept that I am doing very well right now and that must give me some comfort.
Never forget how good you are.
21st Jun 2024 – Submmited to Word of the Day Challenge
Don’t ask me what’s next, tell me what’s next!
Seth Godin
The alternative is to draw the map instead of reading it.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for a surprise holiday today. And the last two days of the week are sports days, so no teaching!
Submitted myself to a relaxing, lazy day. Aing and company left this morning and I bumped into them at Utopia, where they invited me to go with them to Singha Park. My initial instinct was to say ‘no’ but I forced myself to say ‘yes’ and that made them very happy.
I came home and got myself ready but just before they were due to pick me up, they sent a message that one of the family who was with them had a fever, so they had to go to the hospital to get tested, so the plan was cancelled. I had my time given back to me and enjoyed it immensely.
Why are my insides twisted into knots? Am I in control here or is my anxiety?
Ryan Holiday, Daily Stoic
Who is in control here? What principles are guiding me?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my house where I can have guests here without any real problems. Everything is here for them.
Busy and lazy days since last writing. Yesterday I took the day off work, calling in sick and I actually was sick on Sunday night after eating the last of my potato bake that had obviously gone off! I threw it up and felt much better but went to sleep very soon after.
Monday, Valentine’s Day, was graduation day for Fern, Aing, Gus, Nu and Mink. I met Mink in the early afternoon and remember how much I like him because he is always thoughtful. I asked him what he’d been doing in Bangkok and he said he had just quit his first job because every day he would go to work and end up asking himself ‘what am I doing here?’ I told that will probably happen many times in his life. At least he’s smart enough to figure out how to make changes.
I bumped into Fern at Utopia but we didn’t get chance to meet again and she flew home to Hat Yai in the evening. I spent most of the time with Aing’s brother and friend and then the rest of the family arrived with Now. Aing showed up after about an hour and many photographs were taken.
I could feel the general celebration in the air though it still confuses me a little. The student’s courses had all finished over a year ago – that to me is the time to celebrate – and I’m sure they all did at that time too. But for this event, families travel all over the country just to be here for a couple of hours as their kids receive their pieces of paper. Someone in Aing’s family had made matching T-shirts for everyone to wear. They had a picture of Aing’s face and then some text along the lines of ‘tuition fees = 25,000 – what she told her parents = 37,000’. Well played!
At school today, hence writing here in my down time. I’m definitely not as motivated to write here when I’m at home, which tells me where I would rather be! This morning, I taught 2/9 the lesson I put together about sexual abuse and they all understood the message but the girls were more thoughtful and mature about the topic, whilst the boys were still a little embarrassed about anything to do with sex.
It was interesting that afterwards some of the students talked about others who had committed suicide after being shamed and another who, just that weekend, had been asked by a friend to send nude pics and then sent her an unwanted dick pic. She asked me for advice about what to do. I told her that she could tell him that it is not the type of behaviour that a friend would do, especially unsolicited.
I found out that sports day is this Thursday and Friday and at lunch time I found out that tomorrow is a holiday. So – no more teaching for the week! It also seems to be only three weeks until the kids finish and there’s also a couple of days with no classes in there somewhere too.
I’m curious if I will be recontracted here next semester. I hope so but I can also see that the class sizes are making it difficult to keep everyone engaged. I might have to do some research on how to keep classes like that busy somehow. Or just submit myself to teaching little in each class.
1994ever 