Tag: school

Under Cover – 23rd February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Well, what is it? We don’t know
Is it even within our control?
Like electricity, yet without flow
What is this thing we call a soul?

Based on a Ray Charles quote

The slickest way to lie is to tell the right amount of truth – then shut up.

Jubal, Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have 5 minutes each morning to meditate. It’s difficult to control my thoughts but this exercise helps.

Last night I remembered I had weed tincture in the fridge. I’d forgotten all about it. It was a big jar – could probably last 3 or 4 months. And I dropped it on the kitchen floor, smashing the glass and spreading beautiful green oil across the room. It was so surreal – I just stood there. Many high nights disappeared into the soon-to-disappear paper towels. I’m not sure if it was connected but I didn’t go to sleep until late, reading comic after comic. My mind was awake, possibly reeling.

I woke this morning, up and at them, workout, feed cats, shower, muesli and yoghurt, drive to work, sign in, go for coffee. I met Fui, whom I hadn’t seen for a few weeks and he talked about his orchids blooming at his place. I had also noticed my orchids blooming in their pots, though now I’m thinking about moving them into the tree as Fui has them.

Back to school for an easy lesson with 2/11 (grade 8), discovering Natali has moved schools. After almost two years, unable to speak any English, I noticed last week she was able to finally say something coherent to me! And now, she’s gone!

It seems Boss will leave at the end of this semester too. The class will be down to just 15 or 16 students next year! I hope I can teach them. Even with a couple of annoying and lazy students, that number is great! As ever – let’s see.

The kids didn’t want to study but I made them – in a relaxed manner. I let them eat and take their time and maybe a couple learned something. I was going to go to the hospital to get my toe checked out but considering I may be waiting all afternoon, I decided to come home instead. Great!

I finished off moving stuff from my room into the living room and digging it this way right now. Can read a book, email, listen to music, play guitar or watch Netflix – all in this one room again. Amy won’t be happy – haha – but she’s not here!

Log Din, Log Doubt – 21st February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Getting stomped in the public arena
Armies gather on the new social media
No bloodied nose from anonymous egos
Just a bruised ego that nobody knows

Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real.

Sylvia Plath

Yesterday was another awesome day of relaxing, along with a little furniture rearrangement. As Amy had been talking more seriously about staying in Australia for longer and I have been struggling to get out to my room often, I decided to bring some things in from there, slowly bringing in bookshelves and books and moving the TV to make more space for my desk and computer, plus guitar and stereo.

After starting all that, when I talked with Amy later that evening, she suggested she may come back soon if the job in Sydney doesn’t work out! I tried to hide my amusement at these events and when we talk on video, I try to hide the changes for now.

I have been thinking and reading (by coincidence) about solitude and wondering about being lonely. In fact, I don’t feel lonely at all but wondering if I should be. I don’t want to forget how to be ‘normal’ with people, become some weird eccentric, although I think I am eccentric, I don’t think I’m weird at all. So. I’ve read some articles about solitdue and the benefits of it. It’s another reason to make our home more about me while Amy is away. I like being able to access my books easily. I can’t bring my CDs in, unfortunately, but I will bring in a few at a time to listen. I want to spend a little more time actually listening to music again.

5th May 2026 – I would still like to find more time to listen to music. This has dropped off in favour of reading and writing mostly.

This Monday morning I woke up feeling good and positive and happily enjoyed my first class. I’m still teaching while everyone else seems to be slowing down already. I can’t stand watching the kids doing nothing constructive. I can relax the pace of my work but I still want my students to understand or learn the benefits of doing.

As I was leaving for coffee, Dylan and George were sitting outside Le Paradis, so I decided to join them, asking if it was ok first. George quickly made his exit and I had a quick word with Dylan about the way George is behaving. He said it seems that George doesn’t give people a second chance. Still, to me, that is something personal and doesn’t affect me – it’s still no reason to be rude. I warned Dylan that the same thing could happen to him but as he is leaving at the end of the semester anyway, he should be safe.

Dylan asked what we will do next semester when he is gone but I’m still worried that I won’t be recontracted and that George may have some input into that. He can influence TLC and the school to get rid of me if he wishes. Let’s see. Whatever happens, I’ll be fine.

The Stolen Masks – 19th February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 3 Comments

I cursed the thieves the night my masks were stolen
Yet I found the freedom of loneliness a blessing
Now I was safe from ever being understood
Those who would enslave, now forever guessing

And so I became a madman as I let go my masks
When the sun kissed my face, I found my belief
*But let me not be too proud of my safety
Even a thief in a jail is safe from another thief

*Inspired and pilfered from Khalil Gibran’s parable ‘The Madman’
17th Apr 2024 – Submitted to WDYS

You cannot define a person on just one thing. You can’t just forget all these wonderful and good things that a person has done because one thing didn’t come off the way you thought it should come off.

Aretha Franklin

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have found my regular breakfast of yoghurt and muesli. My modern version of cornflakes and milk.

Yesterday was such a fantastically relaxing day to savour that I didn’t have the urge to write anything here. I went to school in the morning, half-expecting a repeat of Thursday but it was apparent that the feeling was not the same. Some teachers tried to keep the energy up and there were some performances for anyone interested but in general, the kids were bored and sprawled around the floors, glued to their phones.

I wandered around from basketball to volleyball to football and even the few kids around were saying, ‘come on, let’s go home.’ Time for me to leave too, and as I went back to my car, I found other teachers doing the same. This is my school life? I won’t complain but if I were a parent, I wouldn’t be happy and if I were a studious type, I wouldn’t either. I love teaching with the kids or being at home but I don’t enjoy just wasting time.

I contemplated going back in the afternoon just to show my face but I was so happy at home, I quickly gave up on that idea. Right now I’m sitting in the Nissan dealership expecting to wait a couple of hours whilst they do some work on the car. I came prepared with laptop and books.

Go Deeper – 17th February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Stepping into traffic is a foolish test
There are too many variables to control
A longer vision would be for the best
And more satisfying for the soul

Instant reward carries too much risk
All can be lost on a second spin
Life is a long time to exist
And goodness lies deep within

We receive three educations, one from our parents, one from our school masters and one from the world. The third contradicts all that the first two teach us.

Baron De Montesquieu

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I have no classes for the next two days and should be able to find some free time for myself.

The first of two sports days today and this morning was really enjoyable, mostly hanging out with my students as they too wandered around not really knowing what to do. I sat and watched the green team play football and win the game on penalties, with my old student Sila being the hero of the day.

Watching the kids play soccer made me remember my own time of doing it every weekend for my old school team. I’m sure we were as bad as the teams I watched this morning but we were all having great competitive fun.

I’ll pop back in after having coffee but probably leave early and go shopping and then home!

I’ve had to do some revision on unwanted thoughts. Over the last six months or so, I feel like a lot of my thoughts are comparing myself with George, thinking about his actions and my actions. Aware that they are both similar but wishing to side with myself to satisfy my ego. I am hyper aware of faults, my own and others. But this is not productive for me. I don’t need to constantly compare myself with someone else to make myself feel better. I know what my good points are (and know there are things that I could improve should I wish to). I’m not out to win any popularity contest. For me, it implies mediocrity and too much insincerity. I understand that others may not feel this way.

Anyway, I know I am hard-working for the things I believe in and ambivalent about things that don’t currently hold any interest for me. I know that some of those things may catch my interest later. I never thought I would enjoy learning about Macbeth for instance, yet that is what happened.

I am thoughtful. I like to think about things. I enjoy the process. It’s my method to achieve a deeper understanding. I am quite introverted and I am super content in my own world. I love people yet don’t want to be so close to them. I am connected with people in my tribe, though that tribe seems to be shrinking as we grow older.

I am kind and helpful to the people I like. I am polite to the average people who don’t interest me and whilst I try to avoid the people I don’t like, I try to maintain politeness as much as I can.

I am English and have a deep-seated connection to that upbringing, despite my trying to counter it for much of the last three decades. Yes, I’m sarcastic but I try to keep that within the sphere of people who understand and appreciate that ie. with other British people. It’s how Dylan and I can communicate on a level that is not appreciated by some other English speakers. Aussies don’t get it much so I had twenty years adjusting myself. And most Aussies don’t udnerstand it all. That’s fine, so long as I can control myself. There are times, I know, that I can’t identify it, though.

What I’m saying is that I’m fine with me, the way I am.

I’m a father, trying my best. Sometimes it’s not good enough but it will never change the fact of what I am. I can still improve everything in my life but I also accept that I am doing very well right now and that must give me some comfort.

Never forget how good you are.

Old Punks – 16th February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Rolling around the floor
In a holy communion
Brothers in legs and arms are we
Ecstatic violence
In joint participation
All for one and all shall be free

United we stood
Until we made our divisions
And our power would no longer be
Nostalgia now remains
A past to reminisce
Something that belonged to you and me

21st Jun 2024 – Submmited to Word of the Day Challenge

Don’t ask me what’s next, tell me what’s next!

The alternative is to draw the map instead of reading it.

Seth Godin

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for a surprise holiday today. And the last two days of the week are sports days, so no teaching!

Fatman report

Submitted myself to a relaxing, lazy day. Aing and company left this morning and I bumped into them at Utopia, where they invited me to go with them to Singha Park. My initial instinct was to say ‘no’ but I forced myself to say ‘yes’ and that made them very happy.

I came home and got myself ready but just before they were due to pick me up, they sent a message that one of the family who was with them had a fever, so they had to go to the hospital to get tested, so the plan was cancelled. I had my time given back to me and enjoyed it immensely.

Valentine’s Dream – 15th February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

On the eve of Valentine’s Day
When she woke from a comfortable sleep
She had dreamed a dream of killing him
An ex that had never gone deep

Then she started to question herself
As this feeling disturbed her so
What was the meaning of this dream?
Was what she wanted to know

Why are my insides twisted into knots? Am I in control here or is my anxiety?

Who is in control here? What principles are guiding me?

Ryan Holiday, Daily Stoic

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my house where I can have guests here without any real problems. Everything is here for them.

Busy and lazy days since last writing. Yesterday I took the day off work, calling in sick and I actually was sick on Sunday night after eating the last of my potato bake that had obviously gone off! I threw it up and felt much better but went to sleep very soon after.

Monday, Valentine’s Day, was graduation day for Fern, Aing, Gus, Nu and Mink. I met Mink in the early afternoon and remember how much I like him because he is always thoughtful. I asked him what he’d been doing in Bangkok and he said he had just quit his first job because every day he would go to work and end up asking himself ‘what am I doing here?’ I told that will probably happen many times in his life. At least he’s smart enough to figure out how to make changes.

I bumped into Fern at Utopia but we didn’t get chance to meet again and she flew home to Hat Yai in the evening. I spent most of the time with Aing’s brother and friend and then the rest of the family arrived with Now. Aing showed up after about an hour and many photographs were taken.

I could feel the general celebration in the air though it still confuses me a little. The student’s courses had all finished over a year ago – that to me is the time to celebrate – and I’m sure they all did at that time too. But for this event, families travel all over the country just to be here for a couple of hours as their kids receive their pieces of paper. Someone in Aing’s family had made matching T-shirts for everyone to wear. They had a picture of Aing’s face and then some text along the lines of ‘tuition fees = 25,000 – what she told her parents = 37,000’. Well played!

At school today, hence writing here in my down time. I’m definitely not as motivated to write here when I’m at home, which tells me where I would rather be! This morning, I taught 2/9 the lesson I put together about sexual abuse and they all understood the message but the girls were more thoughtful and mature about the topic, whilst the boys were still a little embarrassed about anything to do with sex.

It was interesting that afterwards some of the students talked about others who had committed suicide after being shamed and another who, just that weekend, had been asked by a friend to send nude pics and then sent her an unwanted dick pic. She asked me for advice about what to do. I told her that she could tell him that it is not the type of behaviour that a friend would do, especially unsolicited.

I found out that sports day is this Thursday and Friday and at lunch time I found out that tomorrow is a holiday. So – no more teaching for the week! It also seems to be only three weeks until the kids finish and there’s also a couple of days with no classes in there somewhere too.

I’m curious if I will be recontracted here next semester. I hope so but I can also see that the class sizes are making it difficult to keep everyone engaged. I might have to do some research on how to keep classes like that busy somehow. Or just submit myself to teaching little in each class.

No Expectations – 8th February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’ve learned in my own particular spiritual walk that no expectations is the way to accomplish everything in the world.

Father Michael Lopez

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I was able to come home early from school and relax at home yesterday. Nice!

All yesterday was a beautiful blissful day, so relaxing, just pottering around at home. It’s weird, though – I enjoy the feeling of knowing I should be at school, even though there’s nothing to do, but instead, being at home. It makes it more special. But it’s also tinged with an acorn of guilt. I can’t imagine how some teachers just don’t turn up to work, sometimes for months on end. I couldn’t handle that unless I really hated the people I work for!

I gave out a few candies this morning, and I saw Stamp, and she sincerely said that she misses me this week and wishes we had class instead. That was nice to hear.

Will wander off for another coffee and hair cut soon. I should walk but will probably take the bike. The coffee is calling.

Memories Remain – 17th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A bloodied book lies open
On stained sheets
A laptop locked from prying eyes
A still-warm seat
The dank smell of cigarettes
Hangs on the curtains
A tumbler of gin spices the nose
A rusty brown-edged mirror
Reflects the world inside
No moving pictures
Memories remain quiet here
A silent overwhelming
A sharpened pencil
Two elastic bands and a comb
Knocked to the floor
A story happened here
That’s happening no more

If you yearn for power, quickly lay honesty aside, and train yourself in the art of concealing your intentions.

Robert Greene, Daily Laws List

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have Amy’s old iPhone to learn how to use. It’s been an interesting exercise to switch from Android.

A grey and miserable morning that reminded me of England so much that my eyes ached and an oppressive, ominous feeling came over me. Lots of students missing from my first class so I just played Hot Seat with them instead of starting my normal lesson. It was fun and enjoyable, perhaps showing the kids that their memories aren’t that great.

I still have a negative feeling about the future, school-related. I get the feeling that I won’t be recontracted and perhaps TLC will try to move me again. I don’t know how that would work out, if I’d be interested to go somewhere else now.

Amy was grumpy with me this weekend too and I’m thinking a little about how much money we will spend this year. We have lots and lots of money (relatively) but she is keeping an iron grip on it whilst also planning her time in Australia. These months will be a test for me and despite looking forward to lots of space, I’m not looking forward to having less time.

What has been your favourite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

From 27 years old on I changed my life dramatically and in different ways. My most exciting age was when I was 30-32, when I had some self-confidence and self-belief for a while. An amazing relationship with a smart young woman inspired me so much but didn’t work out in the end and from then I was up and until around the age of 40, when, perhaps, I became almost completely comfortable with myself (again, with some ups and downs). I think 40-45 may have been my favourite age so far then but I don’t want to discount anything from the future. These next five years could be the best ever?

Would I go back to that age? I don’t think so, I don’t think it was my age that had anything to do with it. It was maturity and circumstance. Going back to that age would not be able to replicate those things.

What Will It Take? – 10th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

The spiritual super-humans waiting
To breed out the lesser specimens
To what end these missions
With their hyperintelligent regimens

When the cities submerge under seas
Destroying the parasitic subspecies class
What will it take to live together
Before this disaster shall come to pass?

The things you do often create the things you believe.

Benjamin Franklin

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see the weird orange colour of the sunrise before seeing the sun in the morning. Soon the sun will be up again before me.

I tested myself this morning by telling Amy not to get up so I could see how long it took me to do everything when she is not here. It looks like I can do it if I get up at 6.15, though if I want to increase my workout, then will need to be 6 am.

Further tests came at school when I tried to use my new laptop in class and had all sorts of problems. The IT guy came and looked like he fixed the internet cable for me but the projector wouldn’t connect properly. I dashed down to get my old laptop and then that had problems too!

I restarted everything and suddenly my new laptop started working. Started the class late but we got everything done. Everyone was happy.

I came out to House to see a message that no one can leave school again – just like prison!

At least this time, I followed the supposed procedure and signed the book to leave. We are threatened with contract termination if we break these rules. Ho-hum-so-dumb. Anyway, all these things have the potential to wind me up or get me down but I’m feeling ok to deal with it. For now.

Projects – 7th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Put it together, pull it apart
A lesson is a work of art
Things to be responsible for
A world to discover more

Give them a wooden stick
Balanced on a broken brick
Trial and error, many a blunder
A world filled with natural wonder

Put in water, then dry it out
Let’s see what it’s all about
Neurons link, making able
A poem written at this table

People don’t take your power or make you invisible. You do that.

Andrea King Collier

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my positive attitude to helping the kids try new things, to grow and develop themselves.

Well, yesterday was excellent with the afternoon club going well despite Kartoon and Nampan’s reservations but I can feel that they are just lazy – it’s not that they aren’t capable.

I went home quite excited and upbeat though a little exhausted. I was expecting to have trouble falling asleep with thinking too much about what to do next with club and classes. However, after about 10 minutes I was out of it until my alarm went off at 6.20.

I joked with Amy that I had such a good day at school that it wouldn’t last and some nonsense would come along to knock me back down again but this morning was great too.

2/11 (grade 8) have been very good recently – I think starting to comprehend the class method, whilst perhaps not understanding all the English.

2/9 were reticent when they saw the work I wanted them to do today but they all settled down to it and I could clearly see them understanding and learning how to do my work. It made me feel very proud and I told them all how great they were doing.

One more class before the weekend – the dreaded 2/10, though even they have been showing signs of maturity lately, too.

It’s getting closer to Amy leaving now, though there is still a lot of doubt about whether it will actually happen, due to Covid. Could be a last minute decision.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I have become more comfortable with who I am as I’ve gotten older but I think that has only happened more recently.

Moving to Thailand 4 years ago forced a re-evaluation of my identity, much as it did when I lost my job (my big, expendable income) in 2013. The trying times I have had since then have been things that have tried to force me outside my identity and there was clearly a period for me last year, when I made the call to chat with Jochen, that I knew that I was part of a particular tribe that doesn’t exist where I am, as such. I’m fine with that, in that I don’t need to be close to my tribe, I know that I am still a part of it and can always find my way back, if necessary.

I do not identify with many people around me, though I can recognise them. My instinct is non-adaptive to a degree. I am friendly, kind and understanding but I don’t want to hang out and talk about your mundane shit.

When I was younger, this may have bothered me a little. Sometimes I thought I should do more to fit in, or I would wonder why people don’t like me. I’m comfortable enough with myself not to care what other people think of me. Like it’s said – it’s not my business.

I quite admire the odd eccentrics of yesteryear who maybe sat around philosophising in drawing rooms, with brandies, into the early hours, whilst normal people went about their normal lives. I’m not a part of that but I do romanticise it somewhat.

As I age further, will my identity modify further or will I become a narrow-minded fuddy-duddy? No matter, it’s not for me to say but I try to keep my mind open for all new experiences that may be offered or sought.