Tuesday 7 am – no workers yet, cancelled two days running. Sabai sabai. Just do a good job – a long lasting job.
Hot Snakes in head today. Mild-mannered Froburg, last night podcast – couldn’t get to sleep from tension in my legs – eventually, did – XOX – all Hot Snakes songs are great but sound the same
Why am I comfortable to sit cross-legged? It fucks my back but feels better at the time. Bruce, work today, visit bookshop – I love books – take another for Bruno.
Evidence – I am a believer in what can be known – not so much what isn’t known. Will argue with George over this for sure – but keep it good-natured.
What did I dream? I don’t recall. Talk with Andrew on Sunday – what about? What method – work it out. A Dinosaur Jr. riff – always different always the same – my head is full of musical trivia – nonsense – but so it is.
Finished my jigsaw – meditate on that. Observe. Sounds and light.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all the people I have met in my life, good and bad, they made me into who I am.
To-do list
Update document for Bruce ✅
Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
Find 5-10 minutes to meditate
Scan some pictures
Draw mini zine
I took some time today to learn more Thai and didn’t get to do so much else. Another very chilled day with no real work to do as such. I felt happy and contented and tried harder to listen and get more understanding from people. George mostly.
He started talking about fake moon landings and I didn’t argue against him but asked what it is about these types of things that interests him. I gave him my reason for not believing in the conspiracy and we both understood each other.
The lesson with Bruce was good despite my being a bit tired – it ended up an enjoyable discussion.
I did spend many times concentrating on the feelings in my body – when walking, when driving and there were also a couple of moments during the day when I just felt very contented. I want to learn to hold on to those – especially when we actually have to work in class. We talked (me, George and Dylan) about making classes fun and enjoyable for the students and I have to remember this more as I fell I am a more serious and sombre teacher.
Sweaty workout with the aircon. Poor Deep Turtle poster, how much longer can it live? – the shelf isn’t straight – the torn poster is straight but torn! Kneeling to write, sweaty workout for five mins, five mins is it enough? My muscles ache so don’t push it. Remember two things today – check Aing’s grammar and… What’s the other thing – my brain is forgetting more easily. Old or painkillers – it’s okay I’m okay. My toenails annoy me for some reason, I want them as short as possible – what are they for? Remnant monkey claws. Books I want to read. Read and read, get lost in those worlds. I think the other thing I want to remember is to do that introductory lesson for English revision. Sitting now, kneeling was uncomfortable, should do at a desk but desk is cluttered. Should write quicker in cursive but even less legible than this, doesn’t matter – tomorrow cursive, see if I remember – thumbs ache – When to study Thai Drops? This task is to empty brain and meditate – maybe should do before my five-minute workout – experiment with schedule. Coffee, sudden thought of coffee at Eat and Sleep. 80.8 kg today, it’s okay but want to stay permanently under 80 kg – exercise – no beer! Books, books, books – stomach okay today – situps – let’s do some. Okay so done empty brain?! Meditate.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to go to Baralee this morning and enjoy the relaxing environment with coffee and friends.
To-do list
Study Drops in the morning
Make your own teacher video for media lesson
Work on Lesson 1 – English review ✅
Call Bronwyn and find out how she is ½
As I was going through my morning routine I realised that I should do the Drops study first so I didn’t end up doing it this morning. That’s ok – things fall into place.
We got given a new video to make on Friday so that kinda threw out some plans but I remembered I had something that I could use from Anuban but the files were at home so I just carried on and finished off a couple of other things and will do the video planning tomorrow instead.
Bronwyn wasn’t online so I just sent her a message.
A relaxing day at work all round. There are a very few students around and that is reminding me that they will all be back at some point and the real challenge is waiting for me. having all this time to prepare though is very handy.
Tomorrow I will be able to include Drops into my routine in the morning and have set my alarm for 5 minutes earlier. It’s light at 5.30 am already, it’s sometimes hard to stay fully asleep until my alarm goes off – especially with the cats wanting to get in and out.
Tomorrow I also will try to talk more with some of the other teachers that I don’t really know well yet. Everyone seems to be getting along and there’s no feeling of ‘them and us’ that I had in Primary or at Anuban. It’s strange! I hope it remains like this.
I am so happy and grateful to my students this semester. They made me laugh despite driving me so crazy!
Now, you’re in this argument. In the middle of it, take a deep breath and ask yourself ‘What do I want right now?’ My hunch is the answer is NOT ‘I want to argue!’
To-do list
Just Dance
Mark exams and complete grading ½
Record TCRAH
Meditate (Inner Engineering)
Sort more CDs (about halfway done now!)
I ate a lot of blue cheese yesterday and it woke me up during the night with bad diarrhoea so I ended up sleeping almost until midday.
After lunch, I started marking exams and it was around 7 pm by the time I finished so didn’t get many of the things done that I wanted. However, I feel like I still achieved things and completed tasks that had to be done.
I enjoyed marking the exam and thinking about all those different personalities in my class. It really sucks that the system has let the students down but it is what it is. I have to figure out a way to find myself happy within it.
I thought today that I can’t change the world – the ideal of youth – so I can only change myself.
I am so happy and grateful for my psychiatrist who prescribes me my medicine. Can I live without it?
Forgiveness is choosing to not let negative events of the past define how you feel about someone or something in the present.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Finish Chinese drawing.
Eye-gaze practice – so difficult! ½
Stay calm. Talk less. ½
Staple exam papers. ✅
Focus on colours today ½
Stayed calm but talked quite a bit with Said and George.
Occasionally focused on colours and tried to remember about eye gazing. It’s really uncomfortable though!
I stayed calm during a difficult lesson this morning but some of the smarter kids had a great idea to go outside and finish the lesson and it worked out really well.
My other lesson was fine and I spent a couple of hours talking with George. I really look up to his way of thinking and want to push myself to end up like that too. I found myself interrupting him in conversation sometimes though and must try not to do that, and to really listen to what he is saying rather than just waiting to say the thing I want to say.
I felt a bit rejuvenated after that though not having any proper lunch made me tired as I got home. I did, however, feel some relief at it being the end of the working week for me.
Tomorrow I will use the time on the plane to read and meditate.
This morning’s breakfast was interrupted by a special cat delivery of a small baby bird. Once extracted from her mouth the bird attempted to fly away but couldn’t get too far. Some missing feathers, some blood and maybe a broken wing. Better the delivery was already dead. Now we will guiltily try to nurse this baby back to health or comfort it to its demise.
When bleeding lizards and frogs are delivered we simply throw them back in the long grass. What makes us more sympathetic towards some animals over others? In the same way, meat eaters think it’s disgusting to eat cats and dogs. Why I can justify eating fish to myself?
On returning home in the afternoon, the baby bird had indeed demised. The killer (pictured above in gentler days) strutted around oblivious to Amy’s admonishments and sadness. It was dinner time. “Feed me!”
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to see the sunrise over the hills. This morning I videoed it for a couple of minutes. It was beautiful.
To-do list
Always keep a look out for photo opportunities ½
Finish week 5 Coursera ½
Write new blog post ✅
Buy a small cutting knife somewhere
3 acts of kindness ½
After waking up feeling reasonably well, doing some squats and meditation, I enjoyed my breakfast and videoed the sunrise.
I felt a little dizzy but nothing too bad. I sat down at my desk at school and without even realising, sat reading, coughing and sneezing all the while. Kru Noon gave me some ginger and lemongrass tea and honey and lemon water for which I was grateful. However, my symptoms just got worse along with an annoying headache.
As I was at school already I decided to do my lessons and go to the doctor and get checked up at 2.30 pm. My first lesson deteriorated and I totally lost my temper with the class. It had the desired effect of shutting them up for a bit but I don’t think it served any of us very well.
I calmed down for the next two classes but couldn’t wait to leave. The doctor said it’s just a common cold and gave me some medicine but I decided not to go to school tomorrow as I have to be well to drive to Chiang Mai on Friday. So, all alarms off and time for a good sleep, hopefully.
I got some bits and pieces done today but just ended up watching a movie when I got home. It was Burden of Dreams. The story of the making of Fitzcarraldo. Both films are great and it’s amazing how the story of the movie is replicated in real life.
I have all the character strengths I need at my disposal but there are some I need to practice more and improve.
Perspective: Being able to provide wise counsel to others; having ways of looking at the world that make sense to oneself/others.
I see myself on a journey where the destination is wisdom and contentment. My challenge is to acquire these attributes before I die. My default assumption is that everyone else is on the same journey whether they know it or not. Many have already met their challenge whilst others are still travelling. So I sometimes find myself being able to provide counsel for others and other times go in search of that counsel myself.
Social Intelligence: Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself; knowing what to do to fit into different social situations; knowing what makes other people tick.
This is one I really need to practice more. I have gotten better at this since I was in my 20s but even now I just avoid social situations if I feel they don’t suit me. This is slightly compounded by being in Thailand where some situations may mean I’m the only English speaker or there may be myself and one other English speaker, almost forcing us to be sociable with one another. Then there are other times I may only be surrounded by other teachers, where our only connection is our profession and conversation devolves into complaining about our schools, which becomes unproductive and boring. Finally, there’s the rest of the ex-pat community who I generally remain suspicious of, mostly through negative experiences when around them previously. Well, I guess it’s a fertile ground for improvement at least. Must push myself. (Today I just want to shut down and sleep.)
Spirituality: Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe; knowing where one fits within the larger scheme; having beliefs about the meaning of life that shape conduct and provide comfort.
I believe life ultimately has no meaning so we must give it our own meaning somehow. These days I am doing a lot of thinking around all these ideas but it is becoming time to put things into action (shaping my conduct).
I remember one time when I was working at the check outs in a supermarket and a regular customer I would chat with was contemplating out loud what the meaning of everything was, to which I responded that life is pointless. She readily agreed but we understood each other that this was a motivation for giving it meaning rather than giving up on it. I have definitely changed my view on this over the years. When I was younger, with lots of time ahead of me, I sometimes thought life was pointless so just gave up on trying to do anything. I’m questioning this statement even as I write when I consider all the many things I actually achieved during that time. But no matter, those negative thoughts were in my mind.
Kindness: Doing favors and good deeds for others; helping them; taking care of them.
Sometimes I don’t give myself enough acknowledgement for doing this. I perhaps consider kindness as being normal so forget to account for it. But there are definitely other times when I think back to times when I could have been kinder and offered to help someone with something that they were doing, rather than concentrating on my personal tasks.
Teamwork: Working well as a member of a group or team; being loyal to the group; doing one’s share.
I wonder if this characteristic is an issue for most only-children? I’ve learned to rely and depend on myself, even more so having been raised by a single parent. I do prefer working alone but also happy to be part of a team so long as instruction is clear and meaningful. When part of a plan doesn’t make sense I just won’t do it. Perhaps I am sometimes thought of as cantakerous because I am not afraid to speak my mind. See next point!
Prudence: Being careful about one’s choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.
Me and my big mouth.
If you’re led around by your nose You’ll never get to see how the garden grows.
-Volcano Suns
Cool hidden cafe. On the edge of Burma.
I am sometimes good at doing these things but often get wrapped up in myself too much instead. Perhaps people who know me would be surprised at these choices; perhaps they would see me differently. That would be nice to know but ultimately there’s only me that has to live with my thoughts. Only me that can think, and then act, my way to improvement.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be invited for a bike ride by Boyan this morning. I was quite surprised. I think he feels a little more comfortable to talk with me now. I’m happy if he feels that way.
Testing, competing with and criticising others weaken and defeat you.
Morehei Veshiba
To-do list
5 kind things you did today?
Catch up on emails and articles ✅
Think again before speaking – do not complain ½
Write blog entry – take new pictures ½
Gym after work
I forgot about Mondays being tough. I think I realised as soon as I stepped into school and my energy levels suddenly decreased dramatically. My annoying students certainly lived up to expectations and it wasn’t until eating some lunch I started to feel better. So I didn’t have much kindness within me.
I did catch myself speaking and complaining before thinking when chatting with Kevin and Said. I have to think of those situations like a game to play. Not to win but to stop from losing by complaining.
By the time of getting home, the students had drained me so much that gym was out of the question, despite me knowing these are key moments that need to be pushed through to make real change. Instead, I watered the garden which was a much more pleasant pastime.
Tomorrow I will be in the city – oh, as I’m writing this, plans have changed. Now it seems I may be able to get to the gym tomorrow – something I will aim for.
Things I will try to do better tomorrow are to not let the students push my buttons so much and calmly deal with them if necessary. Tuesday is a much easier day too. I will endeavour to remind myself to play the listening game when talking with others and look for opportunities to be kind.
Flow – challenging but attainable goals – strong focused concentration – intrinsically rewarding – feeling of serenity – loss of self-consciousness – timelessness/lose track of time – lack of awareness of physical needs – complete focus on the activity
How to achieve flow? – Doing challenging leisure!
extrinsic = external intrinsic = internal
extrinsic motivation can undermine intrinsic motivation and growth mindset Growth mindset – focus on learning not outcomes – good performance takes hard work – hard work is good – effort = good – make the most of deficiencies – capitalise on mistakes – no decrease in internal motivation – performance increases over time
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the sunrise in the morning and prepare myself for the new day.
The choice of being horribly depressed or incredibly liberated is up to you.
Neil Pasricha
To-do list
Book flights after school. ½
Cut down on feeds – focus on Stoicism. ✅
Be more curious today – learn more about someone. ✅
Do not complain! Do not complain! ✅
Random act of kindness. ½
Finally, the English camp is over. I decided to sit and talk with Aiza a little as we’d never really been introduced.
At the coffee shop, there were some Japanese tourists and I held the door for them and said ‘Oaskini doso’ much to their surprise. They were very happy and it made me feel good.
I was very conscious of not complaining about anything today and may have succeeded. And in a big effort, I managed to book most of the flights for the WDS tour. A beautiful Sichuan hot pot to complete the day.
The only downside is the feeling that Amy is not so happy at the moment – she is always annoyed or upset about something in this country. I understand it is more difficult for her here than it is for me (in some ways) and I know she appreciates the things we have but I hope she can ward off these imbalances in her happiness.
Tomorrow we will be teaching again. I’m feeling confident in my lessons and look forward to them more than school, even though I have more fun with the students at school.
I’m so happy and grateful I was aware enough to spot this snake before getting bitten. I didn’t feel scared and managed to get it away from our house. It wasn’t till later that I realised how dangerous it could be. It was very beautiful though.
Never wrestle with a pig. You just get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
American saying
To-do list
Continue with Coursera (seems useful) ½
Sort out Busy Teacher files ✅
Read more on classroom management ½
Exercise after work
Keep practising with RekordBox
Circumstances meant I didn’t achieve so many goals today as I had forgotten I had to go to the dentist after work.
Today, Jimmy sent me a message again that he saw me touch one of the female students on the cheek and that I could get the school into big trouble. I was a little taken aback as I have no recollection of the event and this is because it means nothing to me, not something that I would even think about. I racked my brain for ages and the only thing I can think of is that it may have been KhawTang who ran up to me to say hello at the assembly.
It seems a big overreaction to such innocent gestures. It bothered me though because I feel a little like I’m being singled out. I talked with Kru Noon about it and she ended up venting her own frustrations about the school too. This cheered me up in a weird way!
Anyway, it seems impossible to me to never touch the students as they always jump all over me wanting to play. We both lack each other’s language skills and body language is another easy form of communication between teacher and student. This innocent action feels turned into something sordid and crude but that is in the minds of the adults. My prime concern though is that Jimmy will use this to cause me trouble in the future.
Tomorrow we have a day off school and I will take the opportunity to get the things together for my work permit. Whilst we have to go into the city for this Amy and I will also take the opportunity to grab lunch there. I’m looking forward to a little sleep-in.
I am most proud of all the things I have done with tenzenmen – organising tours and shows are always a lot of fun. Challenging but fun. I am also proud of the time I had to deal with losing my job of eighteen years which set me on this new journey. I am also proud of the work I have been doing as a teacher – making a positive difference in the lives of some children. I am not yet fully proud of my son, though I feel it is coming. He shows flashes of inspiration that will one day all come together to make me proud.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I am able to use my native language skills and help other people to better understand. I sometimes still can’t believe that I am a teacher. I don’t feel any smarter than anyone else, even the kids I teach.
27th Dec 2022 – I started doing Laurie Santos’ online Happiness course (at Coursera I think it was) and these were my starting results. I’m not sure I went back to check after I finished the course. Either way, it was an interesting learning experience.
Accept that change is necessary, learn to accept whatever befalls you and remain cheerful in the face of great adversity. – a simple piety
piety – strong belief in a religion that is shown in the way someone lives. virtue – a good moral quality in a person, or the general quality of being morally good.
Every day I feel that I am developing inwardly. Why, then, should I be in despair?
Anne Frank
To-do list
Clean up the balloons ✅
Move the bricks and concrete base ✅
Continue Coursera study ✅
Next read-to-lead challenge ✅
Dream book questions ✅
Another satisfying day today and I feel like I have a lot of energy.
This morning I was taken aback a little when a girl student said I wasn’t good. She didn’t explain but I felt odd and wondered if someone else had been saying things about me. I tried to evaluate how rational my thinking was and decided to put it out of my mind. People may think but it’s not true.
Then, a little later, by coincidence, I came across a quote ‘You will become less concerned with what other people think of you when you realise how seldom they do.’ Tomorrow I will try to maintain this positive attitude by continued study and practising my character strengths.
Music from The Reactionaries, Alternative TV, Neutral Sons, Polvo, Peter Black, Hilkka, The Fartz, Elvis Costello, Captain Sensible, Rogues, Graham Parker and the Rumour, Radio Nepal, Orthrelm, Arcwelder, Guapo, Minutemen, McClusky.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Oh and Namtan for letting me stay at their house last night. It saved me money and trouble and they are nice people.
All reading should be applied to the idea of living the happy life…words may become deeds.
Seneca
To-do list
Remember how much you enjoyed the drive today? Do that again! ✅
Take Oh and Namtan for coffee. ✅
Work through your exhaustion and provide good tuition. ✅
Do something nice for Amy today. ½
Do not complain – counter other’s complaints. ✅
Today was a very good day and I feel wonderful and happy. It started with 40 squats, a shower and reading before taking Oh and Namtan for coffee. We have a good conversation about books, reading, exercising and eating.
The drive back was very pleasant though tempered by some melancholy as many returns home can be. It’s never as exciting as the heading out into unknown adventures, no matter how small they are.
I was so positive that I was fine for the teaching and it went like a breeze.
At dinner, Amy and I chatted for a long while and I put forward the idea of how we could spend the perfect day together.
Tomorrow I hope to spend some time in my office – I love being there but feel somewhat disconnected from the house so I don’t usually stay out there late into the night.
We have some more students tomorrow but those lessons should be fun
1994ever 