Tag: Tigger

Food Fight – 18th May 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A starving cycle, a luxury trap
The fight for food for generations
These are anxious times to live
Constantly making preparations
Adapted gut, adopted aches
Too late to repair our mistakes

Today I’m feeling:

Fairly positive and upbeat. I enjoyed being around the students this morning though still left at 10am as there was nothing specific for me to do. But everyone is in a fairly good and relaxed mood, teachers and students both.

Today I’m grateful for:

The second 20 baht shop I went to that had some cheap nasty leather gloves that I want to use to pull up the grass around the cactuses as the gardeners will just smash all the little hidden ones with the cutter. I don’t feel comfortable asking them to pull out the grass first even though that’s kinda what I’m paying them for. It’s a little annoying task I can do to help the cactuses grow and make me feel good. The gloves are badly made and uncomfortable on the pinky finger but they’ll stop me from getting spiked I hope!

The best thing about today was:

Pretty much everything was enjoyable today. I feel quite happy. I’m still a little guarded when I write that as I still feel that I have no right to be happy.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

In our teacher’s room today we were introduced to Ren, a new university student teacher on placement. Kru Mai said he likes to cross-dress and cosplay. George started saying why do we get these strange or ugly student teachers and why not get some hotties instead and then Kru Mai talked about another one (female) starting this week that was cute. I bit my tongue and left.
I know it’s just gossipy shit talk but George is often saying things like that. I used to play along and I’m not averse to working with attractive people but it’s usually the weird and unattractive ones who have the best personalities and are more enjoyable to work with.
It’s not nice to complain about the lack of beauty in our co-workers and if it’s not sincere then it’s a bad joke.

Something I learned today?

I watched a short documentary about kids speed-cubing, solving Rubic cubes as quickly as possible. Not life-changing but a little interesting. I’m still more impressed by the young Chinese boy who solved 3 cubes whilst juggling them, in under six minutes. When I see crazy feats like that I wonder what more meaningful achievements lie ahead for people like that, or if they expended all their brain power on this inconsequential feat.

What is a decision I need to make?

I can’t decide what to write. Right now, it’s a decision about whether to read a little or just go to sleep.

I took these pictures because this is about as close as these decade-old companions ever get to each other. Still putting my Kim Chi love into these two so taking lots of pictures of them.

Moving Forward – 17th May 2023

~ tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Now living in a generation of hope
This is a world in which to move up
One where all the collected spoils
Can be shared from the same cup
The test of the promises made
Will be seen when face with the burden
Where the whisper will turn to cries
Yet claimed that none ever heard them

Today I’m feeling:

Reasonably upbeat and positive after doing half an ab workout this morning and then coming home early to enjoy the rest of the day. Tigger spent about three hours sleeping next to me on the sofa where Cap usually sleeps. 

Today I’m grateful for:

My old students Porpieng and Baitong telling me about their new school, Tessaban 6. I was pleased to know that they are not allowed phones during the day and also have to do homework. I think they will both benefit from a bit of a tougher atmosphere in school though they are not particularly thrilled about the change right now.  I have high hopes for these two students as they stood out to me in my classes.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling inspired enough to check out some more Thai learning apps and sitting and doing some study and revision. I’ll get back into the habit again so I can try and communicate more.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

This morning I got up as usual and did everything as normal. As I was driving to school I noticed that another school I drive past was closed today. That was weird. Then I noticed that traffic was much better today too. And as I got closer to my school it became obvious that it was a holiday today but no one had told me. There was also nothing in my online calendar about any public holiday either. Well I just tuned right around and drove back straight to Utopia and enjoyed a couple of coffees there. Never mind the wasted petrol, here we are already with a day off after only two days back at school. Take what you can get.

Something I learned today?

I guess I learned (a little too late) that today is the Royal Ploughing Ceremony holiday and that the schools shut because of this.

What impact do I hope to make in the world?

Bereft of youthful idealism I hope that I can encourage some of my students to push themselves to make better futures for themselves. Perhaps this is elderly idealism. At least I still cling to an ideal.

I took this picture because Tig enjoys my book in a different way than me! He came for cuddles and rubs and ended up staying.

Fair-weather Fan – 15th May 2023

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Cheering on the cheerleaders
We’re practising our cheer
It’s our team’s turn to rule
We are the leaders clear
Inspiring on to further heights
We’re living our best days
Until complacency at the top
Sees a change of ways
No longer on your side
You’re slipping down the ladder
Only winners get our support
There’s no time for being sadder
Who was that team we knew?
They’ve disappeared somehow
Forgotten heroes of the past
Are left to linger now

Today I’m feeling:

I’m happy and looking forward to teaching again. Meeting my students was fun and brought me happiness but I still feel I’m missing something deep down.

Today I’m grateful for:

All the class homeroom teachers who will take care of my students. I know all of them so I think we can work well together to mould the students to my wishes in class. It gives me a bit more confidence at least.

The best thing about today was:

Hanging out with my students again. A lot of them are disappointed that I’m not teaching them much or at all this semester. That was nice to hear but I know they will adjust quickly. I enjoyed being around them so much that I stayed until 2 pm even though I could’ve just gone home at 9 am if I’d wanted to. I met some of my new students too. They mostly seem shy so far. I’m sure that won’t take long to change though.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I got my timetable for the semester which threw a few curveballs. Just one one-hour class on Monday which would be great but it starts at 1.30 pm so I have to go to school at 8 am and then hang around for five hours before teaching. I don’t really mind this. It gives me time to read or write or prepare… I can fill the time, no problem.

Something I learned today?

There are rumours that US NGOs paid voters for pro-democracy candidates in this weekend’s election in an effort to influence Thailand away from China and towards the US.  Whilst I think this is probably likely I would still hope that a new, younger government will be able to improve the situation for the majority of people in Thailand. There still seems to be a feeling of hope for the future. No doubt there will still be some form of finagling for the military-backed establishment to make sure they maintain power so it could all go to shit in a second so we’ll just have to wait and see. Thai people in general seem quite positive and accepting of their lot. Of course, they all wish it was better. It would be nice to get a sense of optimism for the future here though.

What is a book, movie, or song that has deeply affected me?

Too many to mention but off the top of my head Dostoevsky’s The Dream of a Ridiculous Man and Notes From Underground, Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina for books. Movies – movies seem to have a less deep impact though I enjoy many. There is one in particular though that I wish I could forget. That is certainly one that affected me and not in a good way. As for music, I think that is all about nostalgia. There are many songs that give me goosebumps.

I took this picture because Tigger was looking cute and relaxed on the chair under the table but he sat up before I could get the picture I wanted. I got this instead. What a life for a fat cat! Cap and Tig have been through so much and seem as happy as they’ve ever been.

Don’t Let Go – 1st May 2023

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We don’t want to let go of our dreams
Those were the best days we ever had
But nothing is quite what it seems
Until we compare the good with the bad
What we need is a switching of scenes
And a reminder of what it’s like to feel sad
Remember that feeling from our teens
When our impulses forever drove us mad?

Today I’m feeling:

A bit tired from late sleep last night and trying to get up early though I kind of failed with that. I got some shopping in this morning that was a bit of a struggle to push myself to do. Getting home at lunchtime meant the day felt like it has gone quickly but I got various bits and pieces done and so don’t feel like I’ve wasted time.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding the small packets of pickled chilli and chilli in fish sauce that most restaurants have, whilst at Makro. They are bulk buys and I don’t need them often but they were only 30 baht for each pack of 100. And they won’t go off either.

The best thing about today was:

Having both Cap and Tig wanting to be around with me in the living room. It’s unusual for Tigger but I think he really enjoys the attention I’ve been giving him with brushing him a lot.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Whilst I was out shopping I thought I might as well go to the bank to get a new bank book but if forgotten that today is another holiday so they were closed. I didn’t get upset despite it being time wasted. Just one of those things.

Something I learned today?

I finally found a solution for my iCloud problem I mentioned the other day. Unfortunately, it was a workaround rather than a fix and the workaround caused me a bunch of extra setting up of other things. At the end of the day though I’m glad I got it working because it was an annoying bug that didn’t make sense and was confusing me a lot!

What do I want to focus on this month?

This month I need to focus back on the classroom. Staying calm under pressure and being the best teacher I can be for my students. It’s been a long and difficult break for me and it takes me a while to get back up to speed. I need to remember the mistakes I made last year and be smart enough to know how to avoid them. Slow and steady. Remind myself that there is no rush.


I took this picture because Tigger hid his face in shame after I discovered he’d peed on the folding mattress again! Fucking fuck! He keeps coming for a complete body brush though and his coat feels fantastic.

Idle Idol – 27th April 2023

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He’s a girl and she’s a boy
Both of them a producers toy
Under makeup and bright lights
The manufactured product fights
A name that is soon forgotten
A past that’s found to be rotten
Fans are either for or against
It’s impossible to sit on the fence
If there are brains behind the mask
Showing it may be too much to ask
Flooded with undeserved affection
Failing to pass closer inspection
So idols get what they deserve
A fame that is unable to preserve
And so idle under adulation
Until another steps up to the station

Today I’m feeling:

Ok. My neck is super sore from not moving it much for a month. I did a mini warm-up this morning and will try to make it a little longer each day to prepare for my usual wake-up routine. I know this makes me feel better but just can’t motivate myself during the holiday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding salad today at the walking market. It was pretty good though a little different to the one I usually get. For some reason, I’ve been wanting for salad recently. I think my normal seller may have given up because it’s been so long since I’ve seen them. Business is tough out there and everyone is trying to make their baht.

The best thing about today was:

Cap has spent most of the day with me and I’ve been grooming him and cutting his dreadlocks. His hair feels gorgeous again as does Tig’s, I think because of the special gel that we used to feed Kim to help counter her leukaemia.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I don’t feel there was anything today. If there was something I must have handled it without thinking and accepted it as reality.

Something I learned today?

I came across a video to help getting students to quiet down and concentrate in the classroom. I’m thinking I will try the Simon Says technique where I can bring the whole class back to focus by saying ‘Simon says stand up’ and the kids paying attention will do it and the kids that aren’t will want to know what’s going on. I also need to drill them with this in the first week so they get used to it. I hope I have better control this year. Over myself and the students.

What is my favourite photo of the past month?

With the bad air and the tragic start to this month, my mind focused a lot on pictures of Kim and they still make me sad to look at. But looking through the pictures I can see that there are still some nice ones there. Ones I will appreciate in time.

I took this picture because I took a few detours on the way home from Utopia and fresh growth smells were returning to perfume the air. But this picture shows the devastation across the mountains from fire. I don’t think these would have been burned deliberately but more likely from other small fires getting out of control.

Teen Queen – 23rd April 2023

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When I was a teenage drag queen
And trying to find my way
I always left a big impression
Whatever anyone would say
Dressed to the nines in sequins
With fingernails scrubbed quite clean
Everyone said ‘There he goes’
And they all knew where I had been
A bar full of brutish sailors
Would never give me pause
No matter the unspoken rules
I lived by my own laws

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good today. It makes a difference being able to see the stupa and the mountains clearly again. 

Today I’m grateful for:

The Air Asia credits that I have from the cancelled flights from 2020 due to the pandemic. That should cover all my flight costs to and from Australia in October.

The best thing about today was:

Finding that roof managed to stay secure with the blocks I put up there yesterday. It survived last night’s storm. Some of our cactuses didn’t though.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Around 8 pm a bug kept bothering me as I was watching tv. Then Amy called, drunk and happy with friends new and old in Adelaide. I got up as we were talking and realized there wasn’t just one bug but 10s of them and then more and more as I looked around. They were hatching, mating and dying all in about 15 minutes.
Amy was trying to drunkenly talk with me but I had to hang up and deal with this invasion which was soon joined by ants too. I found them around the window frame either trying to get in or trying to get out, it was hard to tell.
I grabbed the ant spray and frantically sprayed around, choking on the fumes. I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and began mopping up the now hundreds of carcasses scattered around the floor. I sprayed perfume and lit candles in an effort to make the air breathable again but now, an hour later, there’s still the acid taste of bug spray in the air. I think I got the most of them but I think there will be more vacuuming required in the morning. Bug attack – first of the season.

Something I learned today?

I feel like I learned a lot of things today but all of them inconsequential. The equivalent of gossip or just information that has no effect on my life. I should focus my attention on things that might be more useful but that also requires more energy.

What is a long-term goal I have for the next 5 or 10 years?

Amy is in Adelaide at the moment visiting Jess after Jess had an operation. Amy is keen to move there sometime in our future. I’m ok with that at some point. Adelaide is relatively quiet but still has nice things around for an old man to enjoy. This can’t happen until both Cap and Tig have gone. Even though I enjoy being here in Thailand I know Amy can never convince herself to stay here and we both would like to be together. My guess is that this plan will likely be in the next five to ten years as I think our cats have another five years in them at least. If I think about it now though I still feel like I only just got here!

I took this picture because this beautiful-looking cactus was another victim of last night’s storm.

Broken Isn’t Bad – 14th April 2023

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Broken isn’t bad, here we are again
It’s our destiny, what we’re made for
There’s no hiding from our inner pain
For some, it’s what they’re paid for
Scabs are formed around scrapes and cuts
Dizzy heads are spun amongst the stars
Feeling cheated and going nuts
These deeper wounds will form your scars

Today I’m feeling:

A little flat and a little bored. Missing that crazy cat.

Today I’m grateful for:

Free time. Netflix. YouTube. Books and comics. It’s a lazy day.

The best thing about today was:

Watering the garden whilst on a video call with Amy. It got me up and about instead of lounging around and napping.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I couldn’t keep my eyes open this afternoon so had to succumb to a quick snooze. I’m not motivated at all today. That’s ok. I know there are days like this and things will pick up again.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video about the cost of living in Bangkok and was shocked at comments saying they thought 200,000 baht a month was about right for someone single in their 20s or 30s. I know that’s not my demographic but to compare I live on less than 30,000 baht per month and the locals are getting around 9,000 for many jobs.

What is my favourite way to relax?

My favourite way to relax is after working hard. Right now I’m relaxing from one relaxing thing to another and it’s not my preference. I need the juxtaposition between effort and rest.


I took this picture because I’m having to pour my love into Cap and Tig. Cap loves to be close by though usually just out of arms reach. Though he’s usually lazing around he rarely seems to be in a deep sleep.

Hometown Postman – 12th April 2023

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A town all snowy white and middle class
The drunks tell stories often repeated
Shufflers trapped in a cul-de-sac torture
All plans for their children defeated
A week in the sun by the sea
Swap cardigans for sunburned backs
Strange behaviours set tongues wagging
Is this the life that everyone lacks?
Enter no more the green and pleasant
Ruined by the hardest-working poor
Facing fists of fury on walking home
All desperately banging on the door
The drizzle drenches the pavements grey
Children too bored to stomp in puddles
Tugged by the leashes of all that glitters
Out of reach of all of these muddles
Excitements distract along the terrace
Dogs fight cats, cat fights dog
A word of wise from the blinders
Submit oneself to pointless slog

Today I’m feeling:

A little more positive and upbeat. It’s not time that heals our grief, it’s the forgetting.

Today I’m grateful for:

Sight. My eyesight is suffering a little these days perhaps from the dodgy air, lack of sleep and constant looking at screens. But I can still see. If I had to choose between losing my sight or my hearing I would choose losing sight. I would miss reading but could still listen to audiobooks. I think I would really struggle emotionally if I couldn’t listen to music though.

It still feels like yesterday that, as children, we were all warned about listening to loud music would damage our ears so much that we would go deaf in our old age. And that watching too much TV would lead to early-onset blindness. I had to start wearing glasses when I was around 26 years old and my mum had to wear hearing aids from perhaps her 50s onwards. So I guess I’m doing all right so far.

The best thing about today was:

Brushing Cap and Tig whilst they purred in pleasure. They have been getting more attention from me now Kim is gone. They are still fussy about being touched or picked up but if they are in the right mood it does seem as if they are reciprocating my love.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Right now Netflix isn’t working for me. Just as I’d like to settle back and watch some more of the series Dark. It’s not like there is nothing else I can do so this is only a mild annoyance. I’m aware it’s also a very first-world problem too.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, there is a weird law here in Thailand that makes it illegal for politicians to sing and dance on stage during an election. This came to note because someone called out the current Thai PM for doing exactly this recently. The annoying thing about the article discussing this was the fact that there was no indication of why this was a law. Presumably, it made sense at the time it was implemented. It may even make sense now if it was explained. Like any law in Thailand, it is fairly flexible and depends on who broke it as to whether any action would be taken.

What are 3 things that bring me joy?

Nothing is really bringing me joy right now. My positive emotions are not that strong I guess. The emotions of grief and sadness are much easier for me to tap into. I’m bouncing back slowly but it does make me think why can’t I be prone to happiness and joy instead? They are all just emotions.


I took this picture because this is our infamous red sun as it sets behind our blooming frangipani. For most of these days, the smoke is so thick that if the sun can be seen at all it can be stared at directly without a problem. That’s something I’d prefer not to be able to do for the sake of a clear sky.

Kick The Can – 9th April 2023

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Kick the can down the road
It’s a problem for someone else
Put the cap back on the bottle
Leave it to settle on the shelf
Sweep the dirt under the carpet
Until there’s someone else to blame
Well-versed in this deliberate tactic
To put one’s enemies to shame
If it ever comes back to bite
Just retire and get out of the way
Admit that mistakes were made
And it’s someone else’s turn to pay

Today I’m feeling:

Tired but a little better than yesterday. It took me a couple of hours to get going though due to lack of sleep. 

Today I’m grateful for:

The wind that came today and helped to clear some of the smoke. No doubt it will be replaced by new smoke by the morning. Everyone is hoping and waiting for rain. It’s forecast every day but never eventuates.

The best thing about today was:

I enjoyed watching the football today despite the Swans losing. It was a good game. My mood is slightly improved today.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Being unable to get to sleep was difficult and that made it hard to get up when morning came. When I did get up to feed the cats I wanted to sleep more but found I couldn’t properly and just tossed and turned and lucid dreamed for an hour or so. When I did get up I felt exhausted but awake, not sleepy again. I’m getting sleepy now in the evening and hope I can get a good night’s rest tonight. I want to go to the city tomorrow to renew my licences, do a little work at House and maybe do a little bit of shopping.

Something I learned today?

I feel like perhaps I didn’t learn anything that I didn’t already know. Some days that’s ok but I prefer to feel like I’ve learned something new even if it’s fairly inconsequential. I shouldn’t trap myself into a cycle of just seeing, reading and hearing things that just reinforce my beliefs despite how comforting that can feel these days.

What problem do I need to solve this week?

I need to get beyond this grief and sorrow. I know it’s coming slowly and things I have read have been helping. For example:

When you see anyone weeping for grief, either that his son has gone abroad, or that he has suffered in his affairs, take care not to be overcome by the apparent evil; but discriminate, and be ready to say, “What hurts this man is not this occurrence itself,- for another man might not be hurt by it, – but the view he chooses to take of it.” As far as conversation goes, however, do not disdain to accommodate yourself to him, and if need be, to groan with him. Take heed, however, not to groan inwardly too.

Epictetus, Handbook 16

I am the one weeping for grief and I must accommodate myself. Another is not hurt by the events in my life, and neither should I be. It is the view that I am taking. It feels harsh but true.

I am kicking myself too. I know that everything alive will die, why do I fight against this knowledge? In some ways, grief feels selfish.

I couldn’t get to sleep last night feeling hot when it was cold and cold when it was hot. My eyes stung from the pollution and my mind recalled recent events. I consoled myself by looking at photos of Kim, hearing her little purrs and feeling our nose rubs and smelling her head. I was teary but felt better but still not sleepy so I read more Khalil Gibran and was inspired by his quotes, many touching the raw nerve of what it is to be human.

“When either your joy or your sorrow becomes great the world becomes small.”

“The bitterest thing in our today’s sorrow is the memory of our yesterday’s joy.”

These were comforting for me and finally, I got to sleep though not long enough.


I took this picture because it’s unusual to find these two sitting together, both at the door looking out. I didn’t even notice them until I opened the door coming back from coffee.

Keep Blowing – 7th April 2023

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Keep blowing, the wind
Blow away the aches
Blow away the pain
Of all of my mistakes
Keep blowing and skronking
Blow in the chance
To fill the empty spaces
With a feverful dance

Today I’m feeling:

Better today but still flat and unenthused. I was able to write out some words, write a lesson plan and bash about on guitar. This all helped a little.

Today I’m grateful for:

Nong Nut bringing me a bag of food for which I’m very appreciative. Check the picture for one item plus bagels, yoghurt and dried mango. I also felt a little better after our brief interaction so I’m glad she came to visit.

The best thing about today was:

Just feeling a little better in general. Little Kim is still on my mind particularly as it was this time last week I took her to the vet. Though I miss her I’m starting to feel happy when I think about her now.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Tigger sat his fat body in amongst the stacks of flashcards that I’d been sorting through. Miraculously he was delicate enough getting up again that he didn’t disturb them. I have to finish sorting them out and packed away before he sits on them again or worse still, sprays on them.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video summarising The Infinite Jest and it reminded me how awesome it was to read and made me feel like reading it again but…. there are a couple of hundred other books begging me not to!

What are three qualities I appreciate about myself?

Perseverance, ability to be alone, caring.

Perseverance because I have learned to just keep going. I’ve learned the things that I am unable to do but if there is something I do but do not do well or easily then I will keep trying. Some of these things I get better at and others I just keep doing them. I used to give up a lot when I was young. Somehow along the way, I learned to enjoy the big challenges. I’m thinking about my first job working at an electrical wholesaler and we always had large quantities of different types of cable. Sometimes the reels would break and the cable would get into a terrible tangle. Everyone hated dealing with this, including me. But I would take the time and set myself the task to do the impossible and untangle it all, measure it and tidy it up. I got pleasure from the end result of this.

My ability to be alone is surely learned from being an only child to a single mum (after my father died before even knowing him). Even though there were always many people around in the places that I lived I knew I was alone and kept myself amused and entertained. Yes, I still don’t play well with others and never enjoy suffering their dramas but I’m at peace with myself this way. Sometimes I watch TV or videos and think how fun it would be to do this and that, to be surrounded by family, part of a gang, hanging with work colleagues etc but then I realise that that is not who I am. And that’s ok. I still feel all those things are possibilities that I may one day entertain and enjoy.

And caring. I know my personality has at times shown extremely uncaring attitudes but I have always felt an existential care for the disadvantaged and underdog. I tend to care more about those who are truly suffering than those who are complaining (knowing I can be just as much of a complainer).  I am a utopian dreamer and believe it is a government’s role and duty to provide care for all its citizens. I am only marginally philanthropic. I donate money where I can but don’t often donate my time. I often think about it but never take it further. I care about my close family immensely and I care about my student’s welfare, some would say more than I should.


I took this picture because Nut made this food for me and it was tasty and much appreciated. Middle Eastern and/or Indian inspired.