Today I erased my girlfriends from my phone – there’s a sad finality.
Why am I so restless? Why am I so stupid? Gotta go!
28th Nov 2021 – I started some writing again in this beautiful leather-bound book that TLJ brought back from Europe in mid-2001. It’s ironic that this is the first entry in this book as TLJ would have been one of the girlfriends erased.
My head wasn’t in a good place at this time and for quite a while after. I’d managed to fix some things in my life whilst continuing to fuck up a few others. I was a little bit directionless and lacking in self-esteem.
Thank you for everything You gave me 1000 reasons To live my life to the full All that is gone now And I feel dead But thank you anyway
18th Oct 2024 – By this time, TLJ has, unsurprisingly, stopped communicating with me in any form. I was sad about that, feeling sorry for myself and depressed. I’m sure that she wasn’t particularly happy either.
Such a fragile thing Why do I want to break you? Touch your delicate face Afraid you’ll crumble to dust
I want to feel your warm breath In night-time clenches But afraid I’ll throw you away When you become too familiar
Maybe I should stay away But I feel a need to be saved A continual desire for a companion An ever-decreasing circle of self-fulfilling prophecy
18th Oct 2024 – Questioning myself about my pursuit of Lorraine as I was conscious of the deep love that I had felt for, firstly, Bronwyn and then for TLJ and what drama I had caused them. I had not been without a girlfriend for about ten years and TLJ noticed this as a weakness (particularly relevant to her, as I had transitioned my relationship from Bronwyn to her without a break). Although TLJ and I had broken up by this point I had been meeting Lorraine (outside of work) and we were figuring things out between us.
I’m pretty damn good at nothing Much at all Jack of all trades with no Trades to ever call
Everything must be in the right place Line it up, symmetrical and straight The sequence is so important too Each placement
Line it up, make it perfect Symmetrical and straight Dust it, dust it, dust it Now do you feel great?
Took you all day To make your muscles move Counting each one in sequence Got it wrong, start again Start again from the beginning
18th Oct 2024 – Feeling sorry for myself after a wild year in 2001. The crossed-out attempt at poetry was about my then-new (or soon-to-be) girlfriend, Lorraine, who suffered from severe OCD.
1994ever 