“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
So many things happen in a day. Little tiny things. I sat down to write a poem. I wanted to write about something that happened during the day – so I started thinking. So many things. What do they all mean? In the end, I wrote nothing! Overwhelmed by quantity or underwhelmed by quality!! Haha!
Well, the last few months have been fine. Just recently though I have not felt so good but hope to start writing some more – will look back through some old notes – remind myself who I am – what I have become.
I don’t want to be lazy but I don’t know what real motivations I have at the moment. I started my Chinese studies at Uni in March and that has been going well though I sense I’m not ‘getting’ everything and really should study much harder.
God – I don’t want to give up on this – I’m sick of giving up – only being half good at anything – I want to be a genius at something! Haha!
5th Apr 2021 – In the early 2000s there was some way to do individual units of Uni courses for a very cheap rate, or at least affordable for me. Having become fascinated with China more and more since arriving in Australia and visiting in 2001, I thought I should give learning the language a go. Macquarie University was within walking distance from home and even though I didn’t understand how universities work I enjoyed walking around the campus and visiting the library when I was bored, especially I would now be able to check out books and videos, of which they had some classic fourth-generation director VHS tapes of movies that I hadn’t yet seen.
The class (Chinese Language 101) had about 20 students and I soon made friends with a young group of high school graduates, a couple of girls and a couple of guys. There was Lina, short, skinny and cute and Emma, plain but attractive and smart. There was Lina’s boyfriend, Paul, also plain and intellectual and then another handsome effeminate guy whose name I forget but was actually the most entertaining of the bunch. He reminded me of me when I was that age. Cocky and unsure with wild mood swings.
At one point during our classes, a pretty Chinese girl joined. Strange, as she could speak Chinese already. Some quirk of the system that allowed her to stay longer as a student and work illegally is my guess. I made friends with her immediately and pursued her as a girlfriend but the language and cultural barriers were too much and I wasn’t brave, smart or emotionally stable enough to figure it out. In short, I was an asshole. (Later in life I could identify this behaviour in some guys who would try and pursue Amy.)
I felt desperate and ended up chasing her away. I was really upset by it and felt worthless and hopeless for a time. Still constantly echoing in my head, TLJ’s words that I always needed to have a girlfriend and couldn’t be alone by myself, ie I didn’t love myself yet.
I always figured a twelve year age gap between male and female should reasonably align with maturity, as was the case with TLJ and me but actually she was still far more mature than me about the things that really mattered.
I can see from this writing I am able to express myself but still not able to find any solutions for myself. Right now, I think I’m blaming my alcohol consumption at the time as a default fallback self-medication.
Hey, I should tell how reasonably happy I am currently. Just a general feeling. I look back at some entries here and feel I’m sometimes melodramatic but you know – When I write those things that’s how I feel – so really I should counter those entries with some happier ones – however, I feel less inclination to write my feelings when I’m happy – it’s better to enjoy the happiness! Still – the world is on the brink of war – always something around to despair about!!
14th Mar 2022 – I’m glad I wrote this. Perhaps I did have some hopes left? I can more clearly remember the entry for Dec 26th than this one.
The idea of the west going to war with Iraq was just plain absurd to me. There was no justification in my mind. I wonder where the soldier and girl in the picture are now?
Jervis Bay, raining – it looks sad but the rain is good.
But the rain bothered me too. What made me turn around – the nagging doubt of having a good time? The comforts of home? The beer in the fridge? Anyway, the rain is enough of a dampener to truncate this little trip.
14th Mar 2022 – Christmas was never a great time for me when I was living on my own. No one else was around to do things with even though everyone was on holiday. In fact, if I could, I preferred to be working through these holidays, especially if it paid double. Christmas 2002 though I think I spent alone and I decided that on Boxing Day I would go a long drive, seeing if I could get down the coast as far as Victoria.
It was an attempt to dispel the dark within but on this day I couldn’t run far enough before being sucked back to my own familiar comforting hell. Rain played its part and whatever music I had loaded up in the portable CD player wasn’t enough to brighten my mood to continue. So, to home, I returned after a 6 or 7-hour turnaround.
It’s getting worse.
I see my whole life mapped out in descent.
All my mistakes stay with me.
I make them again.
I kill me.
I’ve betrayed everyone. But I betrayed one too many. The one I loved most. It’s hard to get back up from this one and it has been over a year now.
Beer is here of course – my friend for too long.
I kill me.
How long before I betray Hayden? Can I be that selfish?
8th Mar 2022 – Still in my darkness. The fallout of a betrayal to someone I loved deeply and hurt badly. There were reasons for the betrayal, possibly justified and I did try to handle it softly but in the end, I had to tell the truth. Asked if I regretted what happened I said no. But I did regret having to tell the truth to make things clear. I didn’t want that truth to be painful for her, perhaps because I knew that in time, and as such times as this, the truth would turn around and become more painful for me.
I missed her so much, but only when I wasn’t distracted with directing my affections elsewhere. She had understood that about me very early on in our relationship. She was way smarter than me.
So after this betrayal, and the one that led to that relationship in the first place, I began to wonder when I would betray my own son. I felt like I hurt everyone I loved. There were reasons those things happened. I’m still stuck on the pain of the end of that relationship even now. I don’t think I regret it though. We all learned some things and grew from them, whether we wanted to or not.
Something is wrong
Just so easy for me to get distressed – just some little thing
I hate it! Why?
Because I didn’t get enough sleep or enough to eat?
So I resort to drink – when I know it only makes it worse!
It’s just nothing but it changes the whole day.
I love my boy
But I can’t do enough. I really really don’t want him to end up like this part of me!
I know there is good inside me – how can I give this to him?
I’m drunk I’m gone – it’s just a waste of breath.
25th Feb 2022 – When I look back at this today I can see that I was obviously dejected and glum about my life as it was but it’s noticeable that I’m very aware of it. It was just that I didn’t have the tools to make the positive changes that I needed. It would be at some point in the next year or two that I sought out professional help again.
I was living just a short walk from Macquarie University and occasionally would go and check out the library to find interesting things to read. At some point, I also enrolled in Chinese Language 101 so was around the campus even more often. It was then I discovered that there was a Psychiatry Department and as part of final year student training was 60 hours of real-life consulting. The students got real-life experience and best of all, for patients, was heavily discounted rates. At the time I think it was $20 per hour, where the usual rate could be between $80 and $150 per hour. There was a limit of ten sessions but this was too good an opportunity for me to get some help.
Image is an AI interpretation of the first three lines of text – made at NightCafe
I don’t know what love is.
I know what it isn’t.
25th Feb 2022 – Well, here I am twenty years later and I feel like I understand better about ‘love’ now. Part of that is being with the right person, another part is my improved self-esteem. In the words I wrote, I feel that the word ‘love’ could be replaced with many things. It’s a sign of immaturity – which is fine – so long as it resolves at some point in your life.
Unfortunately, this post puts a particular song into my head, which I won’t mention, saving you from the same head worm. The clue is in the title though.
Image found through an image search using the post title.
Purely by coincidence, the next article I read contained this quote (or paraphrase) from Aristotle:
“To understand anything, we must understand what it is not.” Perhaps I was already on the way.
Strength through adversity. Fuck ’em all. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
That’s a ‘good’ fuck you!
13th Jan 2022 – The emotions are angry and the feeling is negative yet it’s clear that I had a positive approach. My head understood what confused my heart. I could be strong and independent, and at the same time, weak and wanting. Balance was on its slow path to engaging this scared little boy.
Bonus points for the connection between the picture and this post.
In 2001 I set myself on fire – now I’ll smoulder. I’ve got to learn to control it – direct my thoughts.
9th Jan 2022 – The calm after the storm. I knew what I had to do but it would be a long while before I actually could. Sometimes I’m a slow learner. More storms on the horizon.
Not my picture included but I have memories of seeing approaching storms at Bondi Beach, just like this.
I feel calm. I have a sense of loneliness with anticipation. Anything could happen. I’m calm but I want it to happen now. Right now. If I have to make it happen then I will. I know I can do anything – it just seems strange to have no one to share it with.
26th Dec 2021 – As we look back it’s strange to imagine that these words are from 20 years ago. The emotional intensity is still immediate, yet I’m now somehow detached.
At a low point, despite feeling calm, I was still agitated and anxious about the future. I had been through a handful of years at an extreme high, now was the time to deal with the hangover.
TLJ had often mentioned to me that I always seemed to feel that I needed a girlfriend or a partner and, despite my denials, it was true. I needed that female figure, that mother replacement, in my life and it felt like a constant search.
It wouldn’t be for another few years before that feeling would change and, at the same time, finding the long term partner that I had been seeking.
1994ever 