My fear of life is necessary to me, as is my illness. Without anxiety and illness, I am a ship without a rudder. My art is grounded in reflections over being different from others. My sufferings are part of my self and my art. They are indistinguishable from me, and their destruction would destroy my art. I want to keep those sufferings.
Edvard Munch
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our wheelbarrow and shovel. They helped me move rocks around Amy’s cactus garden. Sometimes I can’t believe I own a wheelbarrow. All the other components of being grown up seem minor in comparison. A wheelbarrow!
For the end of term celebration dinner I thought it a nice idea to write a haiku for each of the teachers I work with – an artistic test for myself. I printed them on A4, laminated, cut, hole-punched and cut and tied ribbons on each. I enjoyed the whole process.
Kru Fluke
UNO champ, waiting Watching the new Thai drama Quiet achiever
For a while, at the end of the working day, teachers would gather to play UNO before heading home. Fluke would sit in quietly, watching some Thai drama series or other on her iPad at the same time. With a sweet and lovely smile she was a vicious backstabber when it came to the game and often won. It was best not to sit next to her round the table!
Kru JJ
Lipstick, mascara You make it work, you go girl Swing those hips wildly
All the male teachers in our building (and in most of the school) are gay and love getting dressed up for special events. They can be so spectacular and outrageous that it’s difficult not to get swept up in the occasion. JJ is, of course, one of them. A smart young guy who should’ve been born a girl.
Teacher Dylan
Sleepy ginger boy Wake up; the world wants you now So, wake the fuck up
Dylan is from Northern Ireland and is here in Chiang Rai along with his many brothers, cousins and other relatives I’m sure. The brothers look so alike that they find it difficult to meet girls that other members of the family have not already met, Chiang Rai being a pretty small town to start with. Anyway, Dylan arrives at school each day well before he has actually woken up and being young he attracts the most attention from the other similarly aged female teachers.
Kru KT
Silky voice, smooth tune Loud and proud; but wait, what’s this Big boy is sleeping
KT, or Kate, is another male teacher, though not quite as outrageous, he loves to sing loudly and play fight with the female teachers. He is a big (and big hearted) guy and because of this he has a problem where he stops breathing in his sleep so wakes up all through the night. This affects him at work as he often nods off, sometimes mid song. There are many pictures and videos of him snoring away.
Kru Champ
Stress, happiness, stress Working hard for the future Your reward will come
Champ is our hard working coordinator who gets a ton of (nonsensical) work dumped on him whilst also trying to implement things in a better way, hence his ever-swinging between stress and happiness. If efforts were truly rewarded in this world, he will achieve a lot. Lives with his boyfriend and supports the many LGBTQ+ kids in the school.
Kru Amp
Dance under the moon The wolf is crazy; no sleep Sleep when you are dead
Amp, along with First, JJ and Tee, was one of the student teachers from the local university. She taught Chinese and her English was the best when it came to speaking but her understanding was very good. So good that she could play along well with jokes and she loved having a fun time, especially dancing.
Kru First
Face reflects the moon A laugh and smile; gone too soon No more UNO now
First had a face that reminded me of a childhood story-book moon. A genuine personality and diligent worker it was sad to see her leave at the end of the term.
Kru Gratae
Love is in your heart Impatient; where is the one? Wait, don’t try so hard
Gratae is a loud, funny and self deprecating girl always looking for love advice from anyone. She is not so pretty on the outside but once you get to know her there is a sad vulnerability hidden there and when she is not hiding herself behind her defenses is a very nice person.
Kru Tee
Soft and gentle girl Turns out tough; always goes hard Life of the party
Tee introduced herself as ‘Tee, as in PART-TEE!’ She is a chubby happy girl that I believe hides her abilities and real personality. Very likable, I’m glad she has stayed on here as a teacher.
Kru Mai
Purposeful, thoughtful Watch the students dance with joy Always going forth
Mai has a striking looking feminine posture with a mushroom haircut. If you see him you will wonder what he is about. As far as I can tell he is a well respected teacher among the students, particularly as he will often play music and encourage dancing in his classes. Obviously he coordinates a lot of the stage show events the schools here seem to love. Mai is always the most outrageous cross dresser in the school. He is unrecognisable in a blonde wig and tight black dress.
Kru Aomsin
No accident stops Her from happiness and play Another round, yes?
Aomsin recently had a motorbike accident that smashed one of her front teeth but that didn’t get her down. She will always be the first to want to play UNO.
Kru China
Tag team with Gratae Keep fighting, fighting today Who talks the loudest?
China (pronounced Sheena) and Gratae appear to be best friends and once they are in a room together the volume is cranked to 11. This can be funny most times, but others, when trying to concentrate, becomes very distracting. One of China’s favourite phrases is to keep fighting.
Kru Feung Fah
A secret boyfriend The sporty type? Shy? Humble? Liaisons out of our sight
Feung Fah is a skinny, sporty girl that seeks to deny the fact she has a boyfriend for some reason. Her English is not the best but I can feel she has a good personality.
Teacher George
Good morning teacher Big smile, warm welcome, let’s go Seven-eleven
George greets everyone happily each morning, showing his face to let them know that he is here at school before quickly sneaking off to get coffee at his favourite cafe. Going out of school is not always accepted unless it is to the 7-11. So, whatever it is that needs to be done outside school, going to 7-11 is the default answer.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my creativity and ideas – they pushed me forward and I realise I can still do these things – even if I’m not very happy with them – I feel a little bit of that artistic streak again. It’s good. I’ve been writing a lot so I can combine that with presentation and push myself in new directions.
We all have to start somewhere. I was always interested in art at school because it appealed to the part of my brain that could utilise imagination rather than drier subjects that required adherence to some sort of order. Weirdly I did well enough in those subjects though. Anyway, art just felt like the easy pass.
Of course, painting wine bottles and flowers didn’t really appeal and I wasn’t mature enough or my imagination broad enough to conjure anything worthwhile. I think I actually ended up doing more artistic things at home more than in class. Two pieces particularly stick in my mind and I don’t recall doing either at school. My most prominent memory of my three years of art class was finishing off a bottle of vodka and leaving the bottle in the classroom for other people to draw in the future. That was first year of high school – we were 13 years old. 1980 or 1981.
Like the other times I’ve had to draw on my education, such as Maths and English tests when applying to University, I’ve been able to dig deep into my memory and apply myself somehow. So, now I’m sketching when I have the chance and I’m digging into those art lessons I honestly don’t remember anything. What I learned about perspective I got when studying photography back about 12 years ago and watching YouTube videos about pavement artists and force perspectives.
Now, what I really learned, and learned from punk rock and my mother, is about just doing it. Getting on and doing it. When I look at these sketches again I can see the imperfections, the incorrect spacing etc. But when I look with kindness I think, wow, that’s pretty good (for me!).
Rather than set my expectation too high and demand perfection or failure, I choose the middle ground. Do it, finish, move on.
These sketches are from my morning coffee spot, House. My enjoyment with these was due to the very strong perspective of all the straight lines in the room.
First sketch
After making each drawing I gave them to Guey, the owner, and, if working from a photo I took, deleted the photo so all I end up with is a digital file of my sketch. I will do the sketch within 30 minutes, not as a rule but more that I have found the feel and if I went any further I would be getting down into detail that would take it beyond a sketch. Through these 3 sketches (over 3 or 4 days) I could feel improvement each time and they made me really happy and gave me a small sense of achievement.
Second sketch
When I find some more free time and inspiration I will do more but I think I’m done with House now, though they have a cute dog and a challenging garden that would be fun to draw. Hmm….ok – tomorrow!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I have been able to continue this gratitude journal app every day for more than a year now. I will switch to writing in a diary from now. I am so happy and grateful for the unusual big rain today and the fact that our roof holes that I plugged have held up fairly well – just a few leaks. Our plants will be happy for some water.
The best thing that happened today was being able to read whilst eating my lunch. I was late to eat so there was no one else around.
Other little nice things included many students being smiley and happy with me and trying to communicate as much as they could.
There’s a big storm hanging around today and there’s been a lot of rain. It’s funny – the dull drabness of the sky reminds me of England. Here it is a nice interlude to sunny warm days. In England, it would feel much more oppressive as those days would last for weeks on end.
I am so happy and grateful to have been invited to go on a one-night camping trip by Art. That made me feel included in this little society here. I am so happy and grateful for my long love interest in weird and exciting music. Every day out makes me happy. Even reading about it makes me happy.
I am so happy and grateful to my work team because they help and support me.
To-do list
If your words don’t improve the conversation then don’t say them ½
Find a dog picture to draw for Champ ✅
Smile under your mask – practice it ½
Today went ok. I had to record my video in the morning which was a good option in the end because some of the other teachers were taking forever. George and Dylan both helped me but I felt somewhat at a loss for ideas, so I’m glad they were there for support.
There was so much confusion and disorganization but I didn’t let it bother me. I tried to speak less and most of my talking in the afternoon was about tech stuff as we tried to get MS Teams working, which we did.
There seems to be way more attention being put on making these videos that on being ready to teach online on Monday. I’m ready, as such, but still waiting for a lot of the pieces to be put into place. If that can’t be done by Monday, it’s fine. I already built in some slack with my planning.
Looking at how MS Teams works made me realise how much more suitable my brain is towards strict and specific disciplines such as IT or organisation. I’m slow at art and flowery thinking now.
I am so happy and grateful that my hair hasn’t completely disappeared off my head yet! I can just about look like I have a full head of hair. I am grateful that I can cheaply dye my hair too so I don’t look like the old man I feel.
If beautiful art does not express moral ideas, ideas which unite people, then it is not art, but only entertainment. People need to be entertained in order to distance themselves from disappointment in their lives.
Immanuel Kant
To-do list
More 1994ever ✅
Another drawing ½
Another lesson (finish?) ✅
More CD sorting ✅
Friday (as of writing). Wednesday and today I didn’t bother to go to my room but on Thursday I got a bunch of things done.
I heard from TLC that I need to go to school on May 7th to work out how we are going to teach online. I’m guessing I will have to make a few adjustments to my plans, so I’m not too worried about writing more plans at the moment.
Amy and I went for a long bike ride again yesterday. I really enjoy just riding around and seeing how the land changes over time.
I am so happy and grateful for having the chance to sleep in this morning. Now, for the busy day ahead.
To-do list
Compliment as many people as you can.
Talk to a stranger.
Study more Thai.
Enjoy the kids party and and music in the evening.
Talk more deeply with Aing, Gus and Nu – think about what to talk.
Start booking plane tickets for WDS.
Get up early and walk to Utopia?
Read three chapters. Finish Countdown.
Did it list
Busy day! Great kids’ party.
Talked to a stranger.
Complimented Utopia staff, Nu, Amy, little kids.
Studied more Thai – video series.
Enjoyed a long evening with the kids and Amy.
Read more Anna Karenina.
Encouraged Khawthang and Phuli.
Updated plans for the WDS tour.
Very busy today with preparing for our students’ party so I feel like I didn’t get so much done. Took the luxury of sleeping until 9.15 am. Showered and vacuumed as Amy continued preparing for the party. Went to Utopia and Art introduced me to his friend whom I spent most of the time talking with. He has lived in Perth but is now a pilot in Bangkok. It was good to start the day talking with talking with a stranger. Only managed to squeeze in a quick read as we prepared for the kids’ party. I blew up and tied up about 30 balloons. The party was fun and time flew by. A lot of Amy’s effort went into it – many more hours than the event itself. The music in the garden was not really my thing but I still enjoyed being there. I rested in the car and had wild dreams.
8pm – northcote social club, melbourne – supporting the rogers sisters and love of diagrams
despite numerous phone calls and cat’s crying we wake up well rested and enjoying the sensational sunshine as we, again, lazily head to the city and wander around cafes and stores. there’s a strange tension as i’m sure everyone is thinking about the shows tonight and how important they are.
mark takes us up to the northcote social club and we get acquainted with the setup and introduced to everyone, band members, organisers and staff. limited express (has gone?) do a quick soundcheck and make sure everything is perfect.
the merchandise table is setup and the doors open – it’s great to see a big turn out for a support band – something which has been worrying me about the rogers sisters support slots. it soon becomes obvious that everything will be fine as the band put extra effort into special showtime and the crowd love it. it’s a short fast set and everyone is happy.
the merchandise stall soon becomes very busy and remains that way through the night except when the bands are playing.
love of diagrams, despite worrying about how to follow limited express (has gone?) pull off a nice tight set – the sound in the venue is extremely good.
the rogers sisters put on a good show too and the sold out venue is packed with happy punters. the merchandise stall is still busy for limited express (has gone?) even 30 minutes after the gig has finished and we are trying to pack everything up – occassionally having to run to the car to get more cds for people! amazing!
2am – the pony (late show), melbourne – with the new
but the night is young for us.
mark drives me and the gear to the pony while everyone else gets some food.
at the pony the japanese grind band palm are still playing their show despite it being time for the new to load in and get ready. the pony is packed with people – many who have come from the northcote to see limited express (has gone?) again and after getting all the gear up the stairs and passed all the people myself, dan (singer in twitch) and our friend darius start blowing up balloons in anticipation of extra special show time!
the new play some cool emo punk rock and enjoy themselves in the hot sweaty confines of the pony. a mad scramble to swap out gear ensues and soon people make their way to the front to see what all the fuss is about.
a quiet start with the quirky plinks and plonks of donuts as i hand out party poppers and kick around the balloons before it’s straight ahead into aloha and a set that includes a couple of new songs with yukari taking the mic stand into the crowd to sing right up close and personal. the drunken throng respond and it’s party time at the pony.
yukari finishes off with ‘thank you – i love you’ and dives headfirst into the drumkit while jj’s feedback staggers to a halt. and it’s all smiles for crowd and band. it takes us another hour or so to load out through the mob of drunks – still going at 4am! a few of us wait outside chatting with the new and sipping coffees to keep warm and stay awake.
we eventually get home and to sleep as the sun comes up.
frequency lab with grey daturas, hit the jackpot, vincent over the sink
waiting waiting waiting at the airport – finally a customs guy finds us and wants to know why jj, yukari and koji have equipment with them – i just tell him they were recording before and have come back to sydney for one night before flying back to japan.
eventually limited express (has gone?) come out and we sheepishly load up the car and drive into the city to frequency lab.
we take everything up and vincent over the sink start pretty soon after – these two guys are great but we only get to check out a couple of songs before hunger calls.
we make it back to see hit the jackpot who are another wonderfully simple band – playing with a complete disregard to anything at all – they’re cool! i’m running around wondering if everything will be ok as the place fills – it looks to me as though the equipment is ropey and the drumkit will fall apart but it’s all there is…grey daturas manage to crank everything up a notch and chris on sound manages pretty well with the noise.
the place is packed now and no one else should be allowed in but it seems the place is getting more and more full as people squash right up to the microphones. a 10 second soundcheck and limited express (has gone?) special show time begins once again with ‘free style riding’ and ‘aloha!’
the grins are wide on everyone around and people are climbing over each other to get a view. the enthusiasm is running both ways as the band crank up the tempo, heat and intensity. jj makes his way into the audience during stop-go and yukari during tiger rock.
limited express (has gone?) finish special show time with another crazy run through ‘talk to me, all right’ and a ripping version of spy which disintegrates into a squall of noise before a jj jump to full stop.
the audience won’t let them go though and beg for more so get treated to a beautiful rendition of ‘drawtoborn’ and another quick run through ‘free style riding’ after which jj and yukari get carried through the crowd to rapturous applause.
everyone is happy! everything is good! limited express (has gone!).
jj – “thank you sydney audience! thank you punk rock! we are rock and roll! certainly we will come here again” yukari – “it is no problem, language or different country, music is great!” koji – “tonight we rose to the occasion and the last show of the tour was a great show”
builders arms with grey daturas, young prfessionals, bug girl
we get very little sleep as we have to get up early to make an apperance on the japanese program on 3zzz – the host koji being a recent convert to the wonders of the special show time – the band feel very comfortable being able to talk in japanese and all goes well with many laughs.
we split up later as jj and koji go to the city to buy some bits and pieces and yukari heads up to 3cr for a radio interview on the ‘girl’ show (sorry – forgot the name of the show) with another recent convert, larissa. yukari gets to introduce limited express (has gone?) and her other band ni hao! to the listeners and does well for a solo interview in English.
we all converge back at robert’s place and fall asleep for a few hours.
we make our way to the builders arms around 7pm and pretty soon bug girl are up the front bashing out some nifty rock – the small room makes for a nice atmosphere and i have a good feeling about the show tonight (as each band plays the room fills more and more).
next is young professionals who were fantastically amateurish and entertained us all no end – my kind of music!
grey daturas crank the volume with some huge slabs of noise and big pounding beats and most everyone has their fingers in their ears but enjoying it nonetheless.
the room packs full as limited express (has gone?) set up and with a gambatte, break into a familiar start of ‘free style riding’ and ‘aloha’ which has the audience boogying with big smiles. tonight is the culmination of an exciting few days and the band excel themselves (yet again!) with a lot of guitars held high, jazzy craziness and bouncing bass players (‘4-7-3-5-8-1-0-tiger rock!’ (or something!).
the crowd refuse to let them leave after ‘talk to me, all right’ and they rip through one of their high energy, high intensity tracks from the new album with such a ferocity it’s impossible not to just laugh at the absurdity of the amount of pleasure that is being connected and interlinked between everyone in the room. even the landlady and door guy come back with favourable comments and surprise at the size of the crowd for a sunday show.
limited express (has gone?) conquered all tonight and the merchandise box is favourably lighter for the trip to new zealand. we make lots of new friends and contacts yet koji can’t overcome his shyness around pretty girls! packed up and home – the excitement keeps us up until 2am despite having to get up again at 6.30am.
yukari – “i promised myself i will come back to melbourne because so many people enjoyed with us – that was my pleasure too” koji – “i was happy for many people coming and i could do my best. i appreciate melbourne people” jj – “thank you melbourne! thank you melbourne’s punk rock! we are rock and roll!”
1994ever 