*Operations – 6th September 1998

Email with TLJ

T: how’s your day been so far? hope it’s going well. apparently, sheera’s real name is princess adora – hah! pat wrote and told us all. anyway, sorry for keeping you up last night. still want to hear everything you did last night. real tired, only had about 5 hours sleep – how about you. anyway, how come you haven’t emailed me yet?
just doing sdd stuff. got a timesheet to do. email me babe.

S: Only just got here sweety. Remember I went to the doctors this morning. I have to have an ultrasound and may need surgery! Not sure if the Workers Comp will cover that and worried they might want all the money back. I’m real tired too. I wish you were here.
Missing you. Need coffee.
I mean REALLY missing you. Not the normal every day missing you that I day but a long heart aching miss of your breath on my cheek…..

T: i’m sorry you have so many things wrong with you (though i think you’re perfect!).
anyway, had the weirdest dream….I was supposed to meet my SDD group at 11am, and mel (from my sdd group) had sent invitations for this dinner/party at her house, that started at 1, and she didn’t want anyone turning up later than 1. anyway, in actuality, i don’t know what mel thinks of me, cause when we were doing sdd, we weren’t really on the same wavelength in understanding each other – but we were the two that knew and understood the most about it, but i left it to her to compile our documentation together – so the fact she invited me was weird – and i was really eager to see what her husband looked like – (just curious, because she talks about him sometimes).
anyway, when i got to uni whilst waiting for the sdd meeting, i went to see this performance, and they were giving out free magnums (the iceblocks – the food had to come in somewhere) and I saw eric and told him i couldn’t sell his friend my SM textbook. he said it was ok.
then i realised it was 2pm, and i had missed the sdd meeting AND mel’s party – but was still keen to go to mel’s.
also, i didn’t have anything to take to mel’s and thought she’d resent me even more if I didn’t take anything along – so i went to shop for wine, and met some other people on this grassy hill (kathleen was there for some of my dream).
anyway, that’s not the wierd part. i was phoning you from outside your office – like at csc when you ring from the phone just outside the door, but our lines crossed and i started talking to your boss jacqui and you.
anyway, she sounded like a real bitch and really sarcastic, so I decided to muck around with her a bit – being a real smartarse. and she was sarcastically asking for paper for the printer or something, and i was feeling pretty smug saying shit back to her.
then she hung up, and i got a scare because she burst out the door and grabbed hold of me and told me i was never going to work at csc ever!!!!!!!!!
i think it was a premonition. anyway, sorry to bore you with my dream, but it was so vivid, and funny that i dreamed it. i even remember what jacqui looked like and was wearing!
anyway, please explain it to me. i couldn’t write anything raunchy last email cause i was talking to the first year who thinks i am a militant lesbian, and well, i couldn’t ruin the fantasy for him!!!!!!

S: Not sure I can explain but it’s funny as fuck! Lucky you not having to ever work at CSC!! Not sure I like you being someone else’s fantasy. I think you should be just mine – actually I guess you are my reality (as you help me with my fantasies). Anyway – don’t want them thinking funny things about you. Tell them you have a mean mother of a boyfriend who’ll come beat him up. You never bore me sweety. Oh yeah – I’m still missing you.
Lots to say but too little time and also brain is on go slow due to tiredness. Mail me all day though!!

S: Ahh, yr the sweetest little thing

T: i remember after she came and yelled at me though, that i’d blown my chances and i’d never be able to work at CSC – and i was real disappointed. do you think jacqui would do that to me?

S: Anything to get things the way she wants them – watch out babe this is the real world and prepare to be crushed.

T: will keep emailing you. hearing from you is fun. missing you too babe.

S: I love the ding of new mail

T: just physio tonight?

S: Yes. and sleep at last.

T: i think our family is living on the edge and perhaps going indian tonight – cause nat’s bored with chinese.

S: Well, that’s what i was thinking last night while I was talking to Dharmini!!!! ONLY JOKING – DON’T HIT ME – well not til I’m ready.

T: we didn’t get mum anything so i feel bad, but i hope the party we throw her will cheer her up.

S: Is she unhappy – how can you tell.

T: anyway, i’ll keep looking. dad made croissants this morning, and kath got her chocolates and dried apricots or something (though mum made it pretty clear to her she didn’t want chocolates or flowers this year!) but dad
doesn’t seem to get the message – how could anyone not want chocolates and flowers i ask you? or kitchen appliances for that matter – or irons………..

S: Someone to iron too hey

T: real tired as well, though my fingers aren’t keeping up with the brain so well (what’s new) – and there’s so much i’d like to tell ya. notice the length of my mails to yours – mine’s longer – but what’s new? – ha!

S: I’m sorry but I’m happy. Thanks for your beautiful time

T: i’m full of energy babe, full of you, tlj

S: I’m full of you and I’ll be full of energy too if you come right here and sit on my lap.
Soon, sooner, soonest

T: that dharmini comment’s the funniest thing i’ve heard all week – can’t stop laughing – i look like a git. man that was such a good call…….you bastard!

S: I’ll take that as a compliment!

T: love the name. also love ari for a girl.

S: The singer in the Slits was called Ari Up.

T: anyway, if you’re that bored with chinese, try something else.

S: Well, I’m not, so there!

T: now you tell me, what’s irish and spanish cuisine like? heard an awful lot about the tapas and paellas – fiery!

S: Jeez, man you the one who watches all the cooking progs on TV. Din’t you see Iain Hewitson (or whatever his fat name is) do his tour of European cuisine. Only remember Italy actually but sure they went to Spain too. As for Irish they just eat anything and potatoes and you have to drink ten pints of Guiness at lunch time then it doesn’t matter what the food tastes like.

T: love to try them all one day, won’t stop til i’ve tasted all the nations – i’m very multicultural.

S: Watch out for Pauline. Yes – we’ll try them together – you go the meat I’ll go the veggies (cos I’m cool and yr not)

T: quick thinking – i thought you were tired, but you’re just crude.

S: Don’t understand this comment

T: i hate that in a man, and in english food – getting fucking tired of just plain old bangers and mash!

S: What the fick are talking bout sweety. PLEASE EXPLAIN!

T: better keep me satisfied babe, tlj.

S: Well, howm ah doing?

T: ps – HA!

S: PS HA2! Loving ya sexy

T: well, you vague little thing – you say you’re getting bored with Chinese, so I’m a gonna get bored with english. get it? you were talking bout girls (I was talking about food)

S: Ah, well now I understand you see cos you are always thinking bout food and I’m always thunking bout girls and in particular one little cute girl on the end of these mails, namely you , you understand.

T: so know i’m talking about both – men and food (bangers and mash and you). still don’t get it? i’ve gotta go.

S: Yr gone.

T: have fun, love tlj. ps – you’ve kept me entertained this morning. thanks babe.

S: The same!

*How was your night? – 21st August 1998

Email with TLJ

T: email me baby.

S: OK

T: i miss you.

S: When does your lecture start? You get all yr work done?

T: want to spend some time with you on the weekend – maybe go for a drive or picnic if it’s sunny,

S: Sounds good. let’s do it. Let’s go to the art gallery…

T: but i just remembered that i’m working on the next development task, and will probably be flat out.

S: Oh well. We got plenty of time ahead of us….

T: damn, hung out the clothes this morning and now it’s starting to get cold and rain! and i’ve only got a jumper and t-shirt on!

S: You need a cuddle? Come and get it.
Missing you too. Something I hoped to achieve at work today didn’t work. Damn. Shitting me.
Love ya too babes

T: i didn’t want to wake up this morning (apart from being tired)

S: Me too – I had to catch the train – i hate that.

T: because I was having a vivid and bizarre dream about andrew (from school).

S: why you no dreaming bout me….?

T: cause andrew’s cuter!

S: bbbllllleeeeeeeeuuuuuauuaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh! Me cuter!

T: He was cheating on his girlfriend with Aren!. ANd his girlfriend was this blond chick.

S: I think you got a thing about blonde chicks. I don’t.

T: no, i’ve got a thing about blonde himbos.

S: I’m dying my hair and going to the Gym.

T: Check out some of the lyrics to “summertime” “Romantic piscean seeks angel in disguise, Chinese speaking girlfriend
with big brown eyes”. Pretty cool huh?

S: Me like

T: but i don’t speak chinese, and i don’t have big brown eyes – so which chinese speaking girlfriend with big brown eyes are you talking about.

S: You are more beautiful than the most beautiful things in the world. You are the One!

T: also babe, i’m really sorry, but i may be busy saturday. Marty is having a party saturday night, and sue, di and tu want to get together for a girlie, movie night (not girlie-movie night!)

S: Well, that gives us all afternoon. I don’t unnerstand – Marty is having a party so you’re going somewhere else? I’ll come too – I’ll put on my skirt and lippie and pretend OK. Where’s it at?

T: and they want to watch some chick flicks – damn! exactly what is a chick flick? give me an example.

S: Beats me. Maybe Clueless or Sleepless in Seattle – shit I don’t know. Wanna take a copy of Apocalypse Now!

T: catch ya babe.

S: You better… And wish yr Dad a happy birthday.

T: he says thanks – he wants you to stop seeing his daughter as a b’day present. how bout it?

S: You heard him wrong – he knows what a great guy I am and asked me to marry you for his birthday. So how bout it. Seriously – do YOU want to stop me seeing you (sounds like it?) Don’t break my heart babe – I’m too far gone.

T: i just finished typing up the timesheets (but i haven’t got all of them from them laxzy fuckers!)

S: Kick butt sweety

T: yeah, yours

S: Like to see it. You can whip it anytime.

T: and printed out the minutes (huge waste of paper – i’m feeling guilty over it) and now i have to go meet the
data systems design people – damn. how come your mail comes with the header from your .csc.com.au account? just wondering.

S: Our Notes internet mail goes through that gateway now. CSC owns it now instead of Connect.

T: “well it’s you and me in the summertime, we’ll be hand and hand down in the park” can’t wait for summer, tlj

S: You’re driving me nuts – I can’t wait either. You better make plenty of time for me (cos I’m a demanding sonova…)

T: Is that because of the insanely fast way i think and converse, and you can’t keep up with me? or what?

S: No it’s cos of yr gorgeous body. All my lovely love
PS My night was cool – I fell straight to sleep (after dreaming bout you)

T: thanks babe, tlj

S: Do you love me?

*Nice dreams – 8th June 1998

Email to TLJ:

TLJ
I hope you had nice dreams last night and not an SM nightmare. Are you all finished now? Happy with your work? It was hard to getup and out of bed this morning, just felt like laying in bed and reading comics and drinking cups of tea while the rain beat down on the window…..if I think about it hard enough I’m there. Maybe I’ll use up some more of those sick days. Toodle-oo
Shauny

Something’s gonna crack on your dreams tonight – 16th November 1994

Woke up this morning all excited because last night was the first time since Steve died that I’ve dreamt about him. Not some mega fantastic meaningful dream with some deep message (well, maybe not) so this is what happened.

I’m in the front room of a wooden shack type house and the front wall isn’t there, it’s like a big verandah and immediately outside it’s like a BMX dirt track, all rolling mounds and hills and there’s Steve riding on his bike up and down and around. We say hello and talk to each other like nothing has happened and I’m really pleased to be able to talk to him again.

It’s time for lunch and I turn around and Chrissy and Broni are sat at the table with lunch all prepared so I go to sit down grabbing an extra plate for Steve on the way. Chrissy realises what I’m thinking immediately and says “Steve’s not really here, you know”.

I woke up then and thought about getting up and writing it all down but opted, in my laziness, to try and get some more dreams in, which I did but no more about Steve. It could mean something, it could mean nothing but it felt great just having a moving image of Steve in my mind again.

This was after an exhausting day yesterday which involved us going to the pool, which we found is only a quarter of a mile away, to practice that thing I’d vowed never to learn some years ago, thinking why would you need to know how to swim in England, not knowing then my future and heading towards such wild and pretty beaches and rivers and ocean in Australia.

So for an hour we swam up and down and under and round just having fun, getting our bodies slowly into shape, not some long haul 100 length job, god forbid, I can’t even manage one length in one go yet! But I will, just you wait. And maybe all that exercise jogged my subconscious that Steve used to play football and do some weight training and always looked incredibly strong. In fact I’ve got some lead for taking up indoor soccer (yes, it’s called soccer over here) which I may persue when I get a bit more stamina.

Destiny – 17th August 1994

What mad destiny brought us here?
Deluded dreams and corners turned
What courage fought away the fear
To see the many paths we burned?

We look behind to see the past
Happy that it is where it belongs
Those times were never meant to last
And today we sing much happier songs

And dance we shall, jump and leap
With friends we have found and made
And when the time comes to sleep
We’ll dream what part destiny played

If ugliness is all you see you can just tear out your eyes – 16th August 1994

Five days is often too long a period of time to recall some events and with the blur of the weekend that passed, anything beyond is lost without a struggle, ‘cept I remember Broni had the Friday off work and we went into town. I remember the bookshop and that’s it! Lettuce and coriander also trigger those memory cells. Aha – recall we got stoned in the evening and a bottle of sparkling wine! Needless to say, we fell asleep after that!

On Saturday we found ourselves back in Southampton with the intention of sorting through poems with Rob but we got diverted by music and cooking for the bands playing tonight’s gig. Time flies by with some way cool conversation concerning certain columns for the next S.T.E. gig bulletin (and Rob’s cool one for the current bulletin).

Me and Broni go via Selinas to drop off our gear then give her a lift to the gig. Lots of people, lots of noise, standard gig by the S.T.E. standards, unfortunately, no bands really shine out except maybe Thirst who now sound much fuller with Phil moving over to second guitar and Crispin coming in on bass. More practice and confidence and they’ll be cool for sure.

Sooner or later (and me much drunker) we head back to Selina’s with support band Travis Cut in tow and things start to liven up and develop into a mini raging party with various people dancing round the dining room table to Rocket from the Crypt. The last time I see a clock, it’s about 2am, I’m sure I crawl up onto a bed in the middle of a conversation and curl into the fetal position only five minutes later but find out next day it was nearer 4 o’clock.

Awake at nine we find Rob crashed at the top of the stairs, no blanket, no nothing – mad boy! Rich at the bottom of the stairs claiming victory over sleep with a 6 o’clock touchdown after chatting to Selena through the last couple of hours. Johnny on the floor, who I take pity on by farting in his sleeping bag, much to Rich’s amusement and poor Johnny got relegated to the floor cause I wussed out on his bed, Broni joining me soon after apparently – I was out for the count!

Time doesn’t stand still for us anyway and before you can say Canned Heat we’re on the road again, this time too Welham Green, a tiny pretty village near St Albans, to meet another of Broni’s cousins, Purdy, her boyfriend, the strong silent softy Duncan, along with Piers and Isobel. We are zombied to some extent and the day takes on a very relaxing shape with a salad and quiche in the quiet garden while next door’s racing pigeons practice circle manoeuvers overhead and little ones running around keeping us entertained.

And here we got our first wedding gift – a beautiful blown glass bowl that we can only guess the expense of – amazing subtle colours that sparkle in the sunlight. And then, after Piers and Isobel depart, we walk off our lunch across fields, woods and streams, sun glorious in its life-bringing, the fields open up and reveal the earth and its true freedom (imprisoned and abused by man for most of us). Life couldn’t be simpler and lost I was in the beauty of it all.

And now as I write and in my dreams last night, one phrase repeats round and round my head, “If ugliness is all you see you can just tear out your eyes” (Flag of Democracy).

We get home after a 2 1/2 hour drive and slip-slide in the warm soothing waters of our bath before dozing off into dreamworld. Our minds reliving each second of each day to try and catch a memory and keep it and hold it forever (save writing it down), lost in the blur mostly. Write your book of dreams, friends.

Your thoughts are chosen, your world is advertising now – 25th March 1994

Here you are again dear reader.  I’m currently sat here in the van waiting for my physio appointment.  Some old man politely hassling me about how long I’m going to be parked here cos he wants to put his car here.

Had a weird dream last night that involved a known paedophile and bestial man who I saw running naked down a street chasing a pig.  I was with a bunch of youngsters (11 to 12-year-olds) and to show them that this man was wrong I beat him the ground and pissed all over him!  Knowing he’d be mad at me I ran to the next town and went to where I lived (?) with Martin B(!) on a houseboat(!!!).  The man had got there already and had stolen Martin’s dog!  Jeez, what does all that mean I wonder?

Me and my baby are often in dispute these days and I wonder what it is that’s changed.  We are both of strong character but very forgiving so most arguments are laid to rest quickly but what is it that creates them?  Is it being together every night?  Is it how I am busy in the evenings and Broni just wants to relax?  I can’t help busying myself, it’s the only time I get to do things that I like (ie reading, writing etc).  I know these things are mostly to do on my own and in some ways that’s not fair but I do also take time and trouble to make Bronwyn happy.  It is difficult living with someone even if you are as madly in love with each other as we are. 

I wonder if things were any easier a hundred years ago when the men ruled the roost?  I honestly don’t think I could do that in this day and age, though it seems plenty of people still do.  I’m increasingly appalled by man’s treatment of women.  Why is there a page three girl?  Why so many (any) pornographic magazines?  Women blatantly used to sell everything.  Where in the world can I go to get away from it?  Where do people live in some sort of harmony?  With respect?

Sometimes I feel myself falling into these traps because they are ever present, bombarded at you from every media angle.  What future for our children?  So many decisions are made by few people who believe they know what’s best for the majority.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about Rich and how it’d be nice if he loosened up a bit!  He and Rob have their fair share of arguments I understand, and they live together.  Rich tells me some of the tales but I must confess to not being very sympathetic.  He’s on holiday in Europe right now so maybe that’ll relax him up a bit. 

Mostly the other things on my mind involve Australia.  Everyone’s wishing me luck for when I go. (Hey, I caught up with Little Crabby in Safeways and heard the latest gossip!  His parents got divorced!  Wow!  Murray’s still the same and Jasper’s a pothead!  Double wow!  I remember he wouldn’t touch that stuff when I had it!).  I can’t wait to get to Australia – I think it’s going to be a great adventure and a turning point in my life.

I heard someone talking about their destiny the other day and whether they put their success down to luck but he said it was just about making choices and he was positive in his thinking and therefore made the right choices.  This is the way I will be and I know I’m making the right choice in going to Australia.  I know that this country has little to offer me unless I want to work my ass off for the next 50 years (dying in the next 10 from stomach ulcers).

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I’m in search of that harmonious world, not expecting to find but just happy searching.

I want to mention that Kerry has given up drinking and has slimmed down considerably over the last four weeks.  I mention this on looking back at previous entries when she was drunk!  Just wanted to put that straight.

Dreamscape and Delusions – 23rd March 1992

Woke up pretty groggy this morning, but soon revived with tea and toast. Alan and I got a lift into Birmingham with John and Ghita (after a little trouble starting their car) and we said goodbye before catching our respective buses out of town.

I had the horrible task of getting back to the service station where my car was. I first got a bus to Walsall, where I attempted to hitch up the M6 at junction 7, but to no avail. I caught another bus into Walsall town centre and out again to junction 10. After about 3/4 hour in the freezing wind, a cool chap picked me up just before it pissed down!

Got to the garage at the service station to see my lovely car and the wreckage of my clutch! They were still waiting for new parts and said it probably wouldn’t be ready til tomorrow, so I now had an overnight stay in the services – oh what fun!

DREAMSCAPE & DELUSIONS: I just can’t think straight. I’ve been up all night and my mind is floating all over the place. My body’s here – I know this cos it’s hurting. This is hard to write. The food in here smells great. It’s sixty pence for a tomato. Do you think they are special? The floor seemed nice – shame I didn’t get to sleep on it. I could make a life-size maggot out of the plaque on my teeth. That girl over there looks nice – pity I can’t see her without my glasses, not that I’d be able to focus my sight anyway. Oh, it’s a boy! Small noises are erupting around me from everywhere. It’s a cacophony. A symphony of knives scratching porcelain, lighters lighting, cups clattering and that chap over there chattering. Concentration is this big, no, this big. Maybe, this big. What am I talking about? Is this madness or is this me? Now that was definitely a girl!

The Week That Was – 21st January 1979

Highest Entry – Blondie – 6

18th Oct 2021 – It seems to be around this time that I was really starting to pay more attention to the charts and leaning further away from pop and disco tunes and towards louder raunchier music.

21st January 1979
Horray no school tomorrow
WO

22nd January 1979
Boring day
WHAT

23rd January 1979
Great, school bus didn’t come so I ain’t going to school

18th Oct 2021 – Already sarcastic, aged 11. Just looking at these words, they could be read as positive – ie – Awesome, no school! But I know that is not what I meant. The school bus didn’t come but I was still up and ready and waiting for it when I could’ve been sleeping in or getting up to whatever other nonsense I usually did on free mornings.

24th January 1979
School today
BLURP
Leeds 2-2 Soton (League Cup semi-final 2nd leg)

18th Oct 2021 – I’m pretty sure these were times when I could tell you all about football teams, players, scores etc even those I didn’t really follow. I think this was the time of Allan Clarke (Leeds) and Mick Channon (Southampton)?

25th January 1979
(1) Hit me with your rhythm stick, hit me, hit me
ID and the Blockheads
(6)
Once I had a love and it was a gas, soon found out had a heart of glass
Blondie

18th Oct 2021 – I loved that this Ian Dury song was number one, after 1978’s What a Waste was a favourite. Somehow I convinced my mum to buy me this single and I was thrilled that the b-side title was “There Ain’t Half Been Some Clever Bastards”, finding it very daring to have what was then considered a swear word in the name.

Blondie’s ‘Heart of Glass’ wasn’t my favourite song from Parallel Lines, which would have been one of the first albums I owned, again, after convincing my mum to buy for me. Anything that featured Debbie Harry and saw the chance of seeing her beautiful image on TV again was wholly supported by my imagination, which had already run wild after seeing the video for ‘Presence Dear’ where I was certain she was talking directly to me from the screen.

I dreamt that she was waiting for me by a particular tree in the woods and hurried that morning to go and meet her. I waited and waited, trying to feel her presence, almost ecstatic and a tingling in my pants that I was only just learning about.

I limped home ever so disappointed as my youthful hard-on waned in my tight pants but I didn’t give up hope.

26th January 1979
Got a new magazine called Superpop
HEYYY!

27th January 1979
Ipswich 0-0 Orient
Hey Nerds!
Rly
Tes

18th Oct 2021 – There are many codes in my diaries that I was sure I would remember the meaning of because they were ‘really important.’ A couple I’m still able to work out and I also left deciphering clues elsewhere in the pages but this entry I don’t know.