Tag: garden

Me And You, Talking – 14th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It was something that you said
I took it to my heart
You don’t remember it
Insignificant on your part

Those words always guided me
As you moved further away
I repeated those words often
It became a thing that I would say

Now I no longer speak it
Just as you have too
The language is forgotten
That made me me and made you you

14th Mar 2022 – I’m not quite certain what, or more likely who, inspired this poem. I had a couple of candidates until I got to the last stanza. I like the wordplay in the last line but don’t think I wrote the poem just to use it!
As for the quote below, I can imagine using this in reference to many people I have met or know but every time I do that with words of wisdom I remind myself that I should be applying this to myself.

It is impossible for a person to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows.

Epictetus

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the delicious-smelling flowers and tasty fruit and veg in our garden.

It’s so quiet at school without the students here. It makes me wonder why we are here when there is little to do. However, I came and sat in the teacher’s room and read my book before coming next door for coffee. As I was leaving, I heard that two of the teachers, who’d been in that room last week, now have Covid.

I woke up in a nightmare this morning. I was trying to get Hayden home. He was about six years old, but had to leave him to go and find the key, which I couldn’t, and then the world was conspiring against me to get back to him, and I was awoken by my alarm and felt quite upset. I pushed through a little workout and meditation, but felt quite lonely this morning.

I’ll call Hayden a little later and see how he’s doing. 

The New Pleasure – 11th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There’s a devil on one shoulder
And an angel on the other
Whispering in opposites
Whether I should even bother
One looks upon this as virtue
The other as if it’s sin
I’ve got to brush them away
If I’m ever to begin

To assume you are below average is to admit you’re still learning. You focus on what you need to improve, not your past accomplishments.

Derek Sivers

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our overabundance of mulberries. I picked a whole bowl yesterday and they’ve only just started (fruiting).

I felt like changing things up this morning and came to 22 Grams to sit, read, and drink coffee. This is still my favourite coffee, so I had a couple, even after having one earlier at House.

I dropped into school first and said goodbye to the few kids who were there. There was nothing else for me to do there, and I don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing next week either. I should put some new lesson plans together.

I almost convinced myself to go for a massage today, but it’s already midday, and I’m good to go home instead. Talked with Amy last night, and she is so happy. I miss her being around, but I feel happy too that she is so happy. Who knows what direction we will go in the future, but we have many choices, and we’re grateful for that.

Picked the first bowl of mulberries yesterday, and there will be many bowls more. I should put down a sheet and just shake the tree. I might try that today. Need to do some weeding, and maybe the grass at the front.

Also, I have to take Cap and Tig for vaccinations tomorrow. Running out of money already this month. If I have to pay a lot for the cats, I might be in trouble. At the same time, I got a big payment through Bandcamp for all the sales last week. I could transfer that in, though I’d like to use some of it to buy some more CDs.

Buzzing on these coffees now. Time to go. 

The Dark Empath – 9th March 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

He understands me
Says the right words to care
He says he loves me
But hides something not to share

His true intentions
Are on cards held close to chest
He uses my feelings
To ensure he comes out best

He compliments me
Yet somehow his words feel fake
He always points out
My every little mistake

Always a people pleaser
To get everyone on his side
The power rises against me
I have nowhere left to hide

I meet his needs
Through his mental manipulation
And he walks away happy
From every situation

His use of guilt
Always bends toward his will
Once I am discarded
He’ll be doing it still

He uses humour
Everyone laughs at his jokes
But it’s me on the receiving end
Of his vicious little pokes

He whispers lies
In believable words of deceit
His crown never slips
He already has me beat

And it is no irony
I recognise myself in him
That’s how I spotted
The dark empath within

Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.

Franz Kafka

I almost snoozed on this morning but forced myself up and stretched my aching hips again. I’m not sure what I’m going to do today. I clocked in at school and came out for coffee. I’ll go back and walk around the school a bit and then, maybe today – massage!

I want to buy some light bulbs and maybe some new stationery too. I mowed the rest of the back of the lawn yesterday which was fun. Fun? Maybe not, but I was happy with the resulting chopped weeds. Should be good for about six months now I hope. My whole body was vibrating afterwards and I struggled to practice guitar later – but persevered for 10 minutes at least. I’m really not good at guitar but I do really enjoy practicing a little every day.

My neck is totally sore from holding the grass cutter so this may finally convince me to go for the massage today! Back to some English Lit study and article reading, crank out a poem and savour the morning.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to not lie in this morning, get up and see a fierce red sun in the sky.

A Meta Verse – 27th February 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Would you volunteer for a fatal addiction
To an electrical pleasure, brain implant
The sum of all pleasure, constant highs
A simple flick of the switch would grant?

Would you sacrifice your suffering
The demons and devils of your daily fight
The needles that give you balance
Just to die tomorrow in orgasmic delight?

We own our own minds – and together, we can take them back from the forces that are stealing them.

Johann Hari

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch my garden grow and change over time. It’s amazing.

A contrast of days for the weekend. Saturday was a fantastic day of reading in the hammock, reading in the living room, watching YouTube and Netflix, playing guitar and savouring every minute as they appeared to rush by because it was soon time for bed. What a great day!

And this morning I knew a guy was coming to fix the camera setup around the house. He was due between 9 and 10 and he actually made it on time. Excellent, I thought. Can be done by lunch time and can take Aing and Now off for lunch and furniture shopping that Aing wants for her new shop. Through various mess-ups and requirements, we didn’t get out until 4pm and there was nothing much I could do except to be patient.

I took them into town to a few shops and we were all so tired after an hour or so that we came back and then it was time to bring washing in, do some watering and feed the cats. No reading yet, no guitar, no TV yet, and it’s almost time for bed. Still, it’s good not just to be enjoying every day to the max. Setbacks come from everywhere and it’s a testament to the nevermind attitude of Thai people that often annoys the fuck out of Amy and me but must also be practised often in order not to go crazy. I still enjoyed my day.

Guiding Light – 28th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Follow the North Star
A guide towards a future
Adapt to ever-changing skies
A night grows darker
Before it lightens again
Come and go like the moon
Like the wind, like the clouds
But the air is always there
Never seen, but always there

Struggle in the quicksand and you only sink deeper.

Eric Barker

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see a beautiful crescent moon and a bright Mars in the dark morning sky, bordered by the trees of our wonderful garden. Wow.

Quoting the Dispossessed

A scientist can pretend that his work isn’t himself, it’s merely the impersonal truth. An artist can’t hide behind the truth. He can’t hide anywhere.

I took note of this quote last year when I was reading Ursula Le Guin’s ‘The Dispossessed’ as it obviously struck a chord. And re-reading it, it still strikes a chord but I’m struggling to define it. Is it true? An artist can’t hide behind the truth? A scientist, I understand, doesn’t have to care that 1 = 1 and 2 = 2. An artist, even if faking it, still shows their truth. Or can a really good artist actually hide?

Perhaps I took note of this considering myself as an artist? Today, I’m doubtful, but whatever. I’m putting this out into the world as an artistic skill (good or bad depending on your opinion) but my tablet is a search for truth. I cannot hide. But what of the fiction writer – they are artists. They could write about unspeakable acts that they would never dare carry out. Are they hiding, or are they still showing a truth?

I don’t know. And I wish my friend Steve was here to dig into this deeper. It is exactly the kind of topic that we would love to discuss long into the nights and early into the mornings. Although things seemed murkier then, they somehow also seemed clearer.

Yesterday, got home feeling good. Had a really great class with the grade 8 TED-Ed students that had me feeling very upbeat. I made it into my room for more keyboard experimentation and a little guitar playing before Amy called me in as it was time for termite attack mode.

We poured about eight litres of the killing liquid into the hole and it all disappeared. I’m thinking that down there, they must have eaten through the concrete foundations and so it’s possible the liquid is getting soaked into the earth. It’s likely that the termites will be back again at some point, no matter what we do.

After that, I was just chilling and munching on Amy’s yummy tarts that she had made. I also started to feel some minor dread at her not being here. I have made some plans in my mind about how the days will be from next week but they could all go to hell in a handbasket quite easily once it comes down to actually implementing them. I guess I’m also preparing for that possibility too. Just relax into it. Things will be ok.

A good morning this morning. Cold and a beautiful crescent moon in the sky, with a crocodile-looking cloud right on the mountains on the horizon.

During my abs workout, I noticed a tightness in my thighs from the previous day’s leg workout and it all feels good. Working towards that target of ongoing good health.

I started my first class just by watching funny cat videos, which most students ignored cos they were looking at their phones – but it made me feel happy and calm. Subsequently, the class went well. Though they are not the best at English, at least they gave it their best. 2/9 continues to impress me and it’s got me thinking about if I teach them next year, then what the hell can I do with them? They are so good that they test me.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I don’t really think about birthdays and any celebration is minor and usually involves just going for a nice meal somewhere. I don’t feel any kind of excitement around celebratory days. For me, they are just another day.

I don’t mind celebrating other people’s special days and I would be in trouble if I didn’t partake in our wedding anniversaries! But again, these celebrations generally revolve around food and getting a nice meal somewhere.

Not Wank – 23rd January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Wank, wank, wank, wank, wank
I’m not voting for you
‘Not wank’ gets my vote
My ballot paper is true

Inspired by this true election story
5th Nov 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – ballot

People aren’t looking for something to read – they’re looking for something they can share with their friends to make it seem like they really care about what’s happening in the world around them.

Nathaniel Malt

Gratitude Journal

I’m so happy and grateful for our grass-cutting machine which destroys our long grass and my small plants when I’m not careful! If I do a little cutting each day/week, then I can save money on getting a gardener to do it.

15th Aug 2023 – I have become lazy and just let the gardener do it unless it is really out of control and they can’t come for a few days. I’ll cut for about 20 minutes and then give up exhausted!

Amy and I went for a great meal last night at a new Japanese izakaya near the clock tower. The food was yummy, though it made me wish to go to Japan again. I drank a bottle of expensive sake, which had me dizzy after almost the first sip.

When I weighed myself this morning, I was 1.3kg up on yesterday! Back to exercise in the morning again tomorrow!

Trying to push the chattering thoughts about what was said to me on Friday out of my head as I try to defend myself internally from harm. Not easy to submit and let go. I liken George to a fire – warm and comforting yet easy to get burned if you get too close. I wonder about his being Lebanese, which he is always keen to hide, about being raised Christian yet unable to forgive or even understand others, and wonder about being from the Middle East and why it is so fucked up there.

And ultimately wonder about my own prejudices and faults. They are the only things I can change. The only things I can try and change. Stop killing myself.

Concrete Action – 3rd January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Save the world by standing still
Triple and double the power of will
Only the world will live forever
It’s only ourselves that we can kill

Inspired by Brian Dunning’s Skeptoid piece on the concrete industry’s 8.2% input of world carbon emissions.

If you dwell with a lame man, you will learn how to limp.

ancient proverb

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have taken the time and made the effort to cut some of the grass today. The birds are here finding spiders and other insects to eat in amongst the cuttings.

Got up late, went off for coffee and a bike ride, which got me chilled inside. Even when I got back and sat in the sun, I still felt cold inside.

After a quick yummy lunch, I felt compelled to get the grass cutter and mowed away the long grass and now everywhere looks like a bad haircut. It’ll grow out soon!

Showered and now listening to one of the Pili Coit CDs I ordered recently. But I have a slight feeling of agitation – that old Sunday feeling coming back. Tomorrow – back to the familiarity if stress, the crazy kids, the cool ones, the lack of time (forcing me to fill the spaces appropriately). Keep my free time filled.

Breakout – 26th November 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The steeples point to heaven
Yet my feet are here on earth
The cities yield to the dirt
Whilst the woods exercise their mirth

Solace amongst the battlements
Whilst treading familiar paths
Breath deep the cool pine air
The sun sets upon our gentle hearts

United in our spiritual mores
This ghostly presence felt
Brings gladness to my heart
For these present tidings dealt

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to Bruno to be able to help me plant a tree from a branch we pulled off from the side of the road. It’s only the size of a flower at the moment but I will plant it one day and watch it grow.

Be thankful for life’s difficulties. Grateful for those who show you disrespect. Thanks to those who judge and criticise without knowing more.

Thank you, Champ. I’m grateful that you let me rant at you and you showed some understanding. I calmed down later and I realised that that is because of you.

Thanks, George, for being consistently rude to me despite my being polite to you. Your behaviour feels like a challenge I can rise above and I’m sure you have your own motives and difficulties to deal with that I don’t understand. I can’t control the way you act so it won’t make me angry. I can control the way I act and respond – that is the test for me. So, thanks!

Thanks to the parents who complain about me as a teacher. I cannot control their actions and they have judged me on the words of their children without any interaction with me, so who am I to assume to know what they are complaining about?

Thanks to this virus that has challenged me to come up with new ways and means to teach and to spend my days.

Thanks to my aching back and sore butt from sitting on wooden chairs all day. Reminds me to move.

Thanks to the difficult students, the lazy ones, the pretenders, they are a constant challenge for me to improve myself.

Yesterday, when I went back to the teacher’s room, I had a long talk with Kru Karn and she couldn’t stop talking! Her English pronunciation is very Thai and she has a limited vocabulary but we had a good chat about all sorts of things and I enjoyed it very much.

I’ll try to have more connective conversations with some of the other teachers too. It’s often difficult to do when there are many teachers in the room but if I can find them alone, I will try. I’m not interested in becoming friends with any of them. In fact, what I think is that I just want to improve their English abilities! My students have better English than some of them!

I’m sitting in Game’s new cafe that just opened today. Another place for good coffee in Chiang Rai. I’m pretty spoiled for choice here.

Weirdly, this has made me think that I want to get another tattoo. I have some ideas for tattoos but haven’t gotten around to following up on them. No hurry, I suppose. We’ve got forever.

I’m doing a free online course about Coleridge that is influencing my writing a little. I don’t like to read poetry much but I do like it when it is explained. Much like the couple of Shakespeare books I picked up. I’m curious about language and its use. Maybe if I study enough I’ll be able to enjoy it without explanation.

Or I can keep on listening to music and enjoy screaming along to the words. I’ve printed out some lyrics that I want to analyse and keep thinking of more, and I also have this stupid plan to review all my CDs, one by one, which will actually force me to listen to them. I estimate that doing one a day may still take me 4 or 5 years to complete. Never mind all the digital music I have!

I still haven’t sat down to listen to the Leopold CD again. Oh well – I have forever, right?

Beyond The Blind Spot – 12th November 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Seeing things as they are
Dreaming them as they could be
A dark forest, a wide sky
A landscape full of human history

A spirited manifestation
Flashes of insight, literary
The lyrical moment happens
There born, the epiphany

Inspired and mangled from Black Paper: Writing in a Dark Time by Teju Cole
30th Oct 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – epiphany

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch our jacarandas grow a few feet higher and the trunks a little thicker, every year.

Friday again already. It’s been great to be able to sit at House and keep up with lots of reading and writing. Next week I won’t have so much free time like this but have the pleasure of being face-to-face with students. I’m happy with all the scenarios at this stage. I’m enjoying everything. Is life too easy?

As with a couple of years ago, I’m kinda excited for Amy to go away for a while, leaving me to fend for myself and indulge in all my endeavours. I do know, though, that I will also get lonely and I will miss her a lot. Especially her cooking.

It looks as if Jess and Mei will be coming to Thailand soon too. It will be great to see them again and I know Amy will have a great time with them here.

The Week That Was – 18th February 1979

She’s Back – 27th September 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

I’ve had a long shower
And I’m snuggled up with a book
I can hear strange noises outside
But can’t be bothered to look

I’m about to fall asleep
The room is dark and black
That’s when the screaming starts
And when I know she’s back

She turns on all the lights
And dances around the room
Jumping up onto the bed
I hope she finishes soon

She makes me laugh and makes me mad
I’ll always love her to bits
But right now I need to sleep
And she’s really giving me the shits

Amy has turned much of our garden into a cactus oasis, not helped much by the long rainy season this year though. It was today I noticed that this delicate cactus was being held up by this tall ants nest, originally a stick in the ground. Ants will rule the world. They are also back in our kitchen building a small nest by the back door again.

Our neighbour’s dog, Tangmo, always enjoys coming to play but tends to go a bit nuts when he sees Kim Chi, who is usually behind a screen door inside her room. Today though, we’d just let her out when he decided to come visit and after a bit of chasing around the situation above occurred.

We worry that Tangmo could easily bite Kim Chi badly as he’s so much bigger and his barking and jumping around make her scared but usually, Kim will be the one chasing him away. Don’t fuck with our cats. Tangmo just seems to want to play but isn’t quite sure of the correct cat etiquette.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for LungChom and their delicious ice cream that I ate two bowls of last night in a state of overindulgence.

Feel good today after forcing myself to do my minimal daily exercise on the weekend (this morning is rest day so I did yoga instead). I also ate two bowls of ice cream last night – which were freaking delicious but perhaps a bit too much!

Oh stayed over last night, though I was in bed by then and didn’t see her this morning either. Amy is giving her a bread-baking tutorial. Amy also did a pre-order for her cinnamon buns and got inundated with requests, so much that she will be baking for three days instead of the planned one.

I listened to day 3 of the gratitude course this morning, which gave me two very important reminders. ‘I dismiss any thoughts that entertain feelings of comparison’ and ‘I embrace my journey because it is uniquely designed just for me.’ I think these constant habits of mine are slowly having the desired positive effect, though I am not particularly challenged these days, or at least I feel as if I’m not, which could also be because of these habits.

The semester is winding down now and I’m feeling pretty relaxed. I hope that students return next semester, as I don’t have anything else planned if we continue online and I also want to start my experiment with 2/9.

Last week I was getting a bit frustrated with my guitar playing but yesterday I got back into the flow, teaching me that it’s ok to relax, take a break if necessary and try again at another time. But it is not acceptable to give up.

I’m also working up the free time and courage to get back into learning the keyboard and music software and thinking about making songs again. I know I can do it but I’m also aware of what a time sink it will be.

Amy is still constantly frustrated with the situation in Thailand and I have to try and deflect or point out our positives so that it doesn’t get her too depressed. I am attempting to deal with the situation here stoically and I am happy to tell Amy that I am ok living anywhere in the world with her.

When she’s drunk, she will chide me with ‘you love it here, you can stay’ and whilst I wouldn’t say I love it here anymore than anywhere else, I am happily aware of how easy my life is compared to the UK and Australia. Even so, I will give it up if it makes Amy happier with herself and her situation.

The Week That Was – 26th August 1979