Super tired again. Yesterday I managed to resist an afternoon nap and I got to sleep OK, until Cap kept crying to go in and out of the bedroom and then to be fed. Happy to know that he has his appetite but I just want to sleep more!
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy and her family deciding to go for a fish lunch out in the rice fields. It was good to do something different though it was funny that they decided on the restaurant that Bruno and I went and tried as we were riding by a year or two ago.
Also to Kru Karn who offered me her shelf space in the teacher’s room to keep my things. I’ll do that for now but may move it to somewhere more suitable later.
The best thing about today was:
Reading more about the British Empire in Africa. It was interesting to read that there were people who abhorred the colonial treatment of other human beings at the time. Interesting in that nothing much has changed, sadly.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I haven’t been able to do any more lesson planning as I haven’t been able to get more information from Kru Mai about my classes yet. It’s a little frustrating as it is what we are supposed to be doing this week and now it means I will have to do more in the actual holiday time.
When I went to school just before lunch I found lots of people cleaning out the office space for Kru Puu who will stay in there in future. Unfortunately, this means moving my stuff out from there and also not being able to use it for one-to-one speaking exercises anymore. A lot of student’s work that I was keeping to look at later was also missing, presumably thrown out. Oh well. Nothing stays the same.
Something I learned today?
I just got sent a video by Noey. It was of me riding the wrong way at the traffic lights (to save time) as I was out getting a tub of ice cream at the 7-11. She must have been on her bike at the traffic lights going in the other direction.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I messaged a few more students today and had little conversations of encouragement with them.
I took this picture because this was the view from our restaurant table at lunch time.
I’m feeling weird and fuzzy again. I think maybe I have some Covid variation again. I got up at a reasonable time which was a bit difficult as Amy was still up and singing along to her favourite songs well past 1 am.
At 11 am though I slept again until 3 pm. Now I just feel like I have a stiff neck, blocked nose and little appetite despite knowing I’m hungry. I’m keen for more sleep and not excited about being back at work again tomorrow.
Today I’m grateful for:
Medicine, sleep and Sundays.
The best thing about today was:
Playing a little guitar and looking over old emails for information. I’ve done very little today and my brain is on strike. Despite this I was glad to do these little things.
Something I learned today?
Polluted air is mainly breathed indoors. We spend between 80 and 90 percent of our time indoors. Outdoor air pollutants find their way indoors and become trapped when there is no proper ventilation.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I complimented Noey on her shirt today as it was cute. She asked if I thought that she was cute and I said ‘No, just the shirt.’ She knows she’s cute, so she went off laughing.
I took this picture because P’ti was feeling very Sunday morning.
Better than yesterday but I slept really badly, waking seemingly every 20 minutes or so and feeling either too hot or too cold. When I went out for coffee Noey commented that I looked better today, that yesterday I looked about 60 years old and today I look about 20! I’ll take compliments wherever I can get them.
It felt good to work with Thiban this morning and get the order placed for the High Voltage/Speech Odd split 12”. We were able to get that done before Amy and I headed into the city to see Grandmum and get lunch.
Today I’m grateful for:
A surprise rain last night that did the watering for us and helped clean the air of the layer of smoke descending from the mountains.
The best thing about today was:
Still being alive. Many others didn’t make it today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy invited me into the room to see her grandmum. I didn’t want to go but felt obliged to. She looks like a skeleton, just bones and motionless except gasping for air. I couldn’t stay.
A minute later, Amy let out a scream and everyone came running. As mum comforts grandmum, saying it’s ok to go, but life wants to hold on. Shallow breath returns but how long can death be put off and is it worth it? There’s nothing to look forward to except another gulp of breath.
Another minute later and she’s gone.
I don’t know what the etiquette is now or how to help. I feel useless. This once vibrant body is off on its final disintegration and I don’t wish to acknowledge that this is my fate. Everyone’s fate. I feel empty in my stomach.
I don’t cry for grandmum, for Amy or her family. I cry for my own useless self.
Something I learned today?
It seems that the best option for the nomeansno book is to order it on Amazon but as money is short this month it will have to wait.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Of course, today took a turn and I did as Amy instructed without complaint despite still feeling dizzy and tired by around 4pm. Lots of running around picking up things for the temple. This will be the way for tonight and the following three nights before the last prayers and trip to the crematorium.
I took this picture of Grandmum’s photos that we took to the flower shop and will be used alongside the wreaths for her funeral. Her younger self; a beautiful Chinese-looking lady, though I think the Chinese heritage was on the grandfather’s side. The picture on the right was how I knew her. She always offered me food when I saw her. I held her hand when we went out to restaurants or visited the temple, her skin was so soft and smooth that it was hard to believe she was the age she was. She would have been 92 in March. A good run but as I approach my own end it doesn’t seem like it is even close to enough.
She said we can forgive him Because he is just a boy As she picked up the bottles Now empty of their joy
Without a thought or care For the wider world around When he needs to be somewhere He’s nowhere to be found
Anyway, cleaning is for girls A boy can’t do it well It’s a privilege to clean the piss Off the floor where it fell
Dressed in the body of a man The brain never adapted The childish mind, a selfish mind Remains forever distracted
Will he ever become a man? A real man of her dreams She’s always doing the best she can But never enough it seems
So, she sighs, this is her lot To be a mother of a peer When she weighs up what’s she got Just what is she doing here?
Today I’m feeling:
Super tired even after an almost ten-hour sleep. I felt tired around 10 pm last night but was excited to read comics and eventually went to sleep sometime after 11. On waking I still felt dizzy and had a stiff sore neck, both of which are persisting even now as I wait for my first coffee.
Today I’m grateful for:
The kale that Amy has been growing and she threw a handful of it into my lunch of fried rice today.
The best thing about today was:
Reading Roald Dahl’s Boy about his childhood whilst in bed this afternoon and then having a crazy nap. Woke up feeling tired for the second time today so have done next to nothing.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Doing next to nothing felt out of my control as I lacked motivation and energy. Handled by….doing nothing!
Something I learned today?
I found out that there is a Das Damen reissue of their first record that comes with a bunch of extra tracks. I will try to find that for sure. I think I heard that they may be making new music too. Could be interesting.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Noey was back from her holiday and in catching up she talked about going to Australia and I told her she could talk to Amy for help with going there.
I took this picture because Creme brought these two two-day-old kittens to school as the mother had rejected them. Unfortunately, neither of them made it through the week.
Raise a toast from the bottle of heartbreak Tears mist the eyes of dead teenage butterflies These wounds become a comfort given time Waxing poetic about the expected surprise
These are the happy things, preparing for grief The painful goodbyes in the rear-view mirror Bigger, brighter things are on the way to love Slowly, gently, this will all become clearer
A little lazy. I was going to get up with my alarm but still sleepy, Amy almost shouted at me from her bed, getting up, where are you going….? Jesus, let me wake up a little! I brushed my teeth, took a piss and got back into bed for another hour of sleep where I had a dream about us being able to drive on a piece of A4 paper as if it was a car!
Today I’m grateful for:
The trees that Amy’s mum planted on our land years before we came here and have grown to provide great shade from the sun but now have gotten so big that their roots threaten to cause problems to the foundations of our buildings. We will cut four and I hope the remaining three will be able to grow faster and stronger to provide shade again into the spaces that will be left.
The best thing about today was:
Having a tidy garden again once the gardeners had finished their work, the smell of cut grass wafting through the house.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve noticed (again) that I don’t really like being in my man cave so much – it’s not quite comfortable for me and whereas in the living room of our house I feel like I am centred, in my room I feel like I am on the periphery. It’s only a remove of about six metres but it makes all the difference.
I’m having to force myself to go there to get certain things done and figuring out ways to do other things back in the living room without having all my stuff scattered around. This is a compromise of Amy’s return to our home.
Something I learned today?
An avocado is a berry.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I wished Noey a happy holiday as this will be the last time I see her at Utopia until next year.
I bought an onion in the local market and thanked the lady who commented that I spoke good Thai.
I nodded appropriately to the gardener who explained what they would do to our trees though I only caught a few words. I could understand the gist especially when he pointed at some leaves that looked like they were getting eaten by some bug.
I did the washing this morning, hung it out and brought it back in in the evening.
I shampooed Tigger’s head as he is getting the scabs again that he got last year around this time. He wasn’t happy but accepted his fate well enough and of course, went outside as soon as he could and rolled around in the dirt again. He really loves our home.
What changes did I experience this year?
The biggest change has been at home of course, with Amy being back in the house, cleaning up and bossing me around.
Other changes have been more subtle, such as my slow improvement to health and fitness. Also my adjustment in confidence when riding the motorbike since coming off it.
And if I look closely I can see signs of my skin sagging a little around my cheeks and neck as my I struggle with gravity. Even lying down can’t help.
I took this picture because here’s one tree down, and three more tomorrow. It’s going to look so odd for a little while.
Pretty exhausted but happy to relax at home and doing bits and pieces in my room.
(Later) I’m tired but not sleepy, already in bed at 7pm and will do some Thai study, book and comic reading.
Today I’m grateful for:
Old cardboard boxes and, in turn, for online shopping that means we also have them laying around to use to pack on the rare occasions I get online orders through Bandcamp.
I’m also grateful to the guy at the car wash who helped me with the air pump to put air in my pushbike tyres. I was confused because it didn’t seem to work as normal.
The best thing about today was:
Playing guitar after a few days break. I sometimes wish I had learned when I was younger as now my old fingers easily forget and get lost on the strings and for not playing for a couple of days it felt a little like starting again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Nothing significant springs to mind.
Something I learned today?
Utopia will close for three days next week as they and the Daytripper staff all head up to Phu Chi Fa for a couple of nights camping. What about my coffee!? Actually, it looks like it will be Monday to Wednesday so I should be safe!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I chatted with Noey at Utopia for a while, encouraging her to talk with the farangs that come into the shop because she has never seen snow. Maybe if she can catch a farang he can take her off somewhere to see it!
I rescued P’ti when he escaped from Utopia and held him while he ate some grass and sniffed the air for a while. He seemed satisfied with that for a while before disappearing into the back rooms of the shop.
What’s the weirdest object in your studio/home/office?
Weird?
Office: A CD that comes in a stone package?
Home: Two King-size beds in the bedroom?
I don’t know… my weird seems pretty normal to me. I don’t know or much care what other people think.
I took this picture on Saturday at Wat Chaloem in Lampang. A beautiful day for a bit of a hike up this mountain.
These words are a photograph A fight against time Just a brief exposure Into this life of mine A snapshot, incomplete Make of it what you will It’s your story too This one I’m living still
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good again after a good cannabutter-aided sleep. My body is a little stiff but I was happy to see more definition when I looked in the mirror this morning. Slowly, slowly getting to the shape I might like.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s banana muffins, small, light and so delicious I ate three immediately.
The best thing about today was:
Starting a new book. This time it’s Wuthering Heights. I read the first couple of chapters and already have a feel for the story.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The internet is often not good in my room and today was a little frustrating as it it difficult to play guitar along with the app I use and then trying to prepare for my classes tomorrow. I just gave up and came inside.
Something I learned today?
It’s thought that this year China reached peak carbon. Maybe the first country to do so?
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Today has been a relatively quiet day with few interactions and mostly general acts neither good or bad.
I did go and wait on the bridge for Amy’s som tum food delivery.
A future good deed I’m considering is painting our house number on the bridge so delivery drivers can find us more easily.
27th Feb 2024 – Our bridge will be gone in the next couple of months as part of widening the road in our soi. Let’s see what it all looks like in the end and maybe I’ll have to make a sign.
What is a piece of advice that I would give to my younger self?
My ten-year-old self: Take every opportunity to try new things. Don’t worry about what other people think. (I wouldn’t have taken this advice as I was too stubborn and contrarian)
My twenty-year-old self: The way you are feeling is not normal, go see a psychiatrist. Also, stop using alcohol as medication.
My thirty-year-old self: Now you’re getting there. About time. Keep going with those adventures. You still need to learn to love yourself more, this will stop you from hurting and hurting others. Stop drinking.
My forty-year-old self: You’re almost there. Almost worked everything out. Keep doing what you’re doing. Stop drinking.
My fifty-year-old self: Look at you, slowly getting fit and healthy, mentally and physically. You’re understanding that life is meaningless but don’t tell the kids that! Give hope. Share goodness. Be wary of false prophets and the pedestal you put them up on.
What is your favorite part about your town or city?
Let’s think about the three main places I have lived. Wimborne, Dorset, UK. Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. Ban Huai Phlu, Chiang Rai, Thailand.
Wimborne: After my formative teenage years growing up in the countryside outside Wimborne, when both grandparents had passed away, we moved to Colehill on the outskirts of the town but still within walking distance if the weather was suitable.
One summer I scored ten cheap hits of acid and decided to spread them out over the weekends doing a half on Saturday and a half on Sunday. From there my mind was open to many things and I would often head off out for a random walk. I loved the fields and though I rarely went near it, also the river.
One Sunday afternoon I headed down the hill into the Stour Valley with pollen floating through the air as you might imagine in a fairy tale. I knew where I was without knowing where I was, following tracks and trails over fences and through fields, ending up at the river. I don’t recall which way I ended up coming home but I revisited this walk one time when visiting my mum in 2011(?) and it was still an enjoyable excursion.
Back then, though perhaps after that summer, I would also ride my pushbike around similar areas that led to discovering the old train lines and then trying to follow them from Poole to Ferndown. Perhaps it is these times that endear me to the countryside still.
Sydney: There is a walk from around St Leonards that goes through some bushland along Flat Rock Creek, down into a ravine that opens up into a park that then goes down to the harbour at Cammeray.
This walk is sentimental for me as it recalls the time of new blooming love, passion and understanding. Long lazy walks with TLJ found my mind opening to so many new things that I needed to replace in my life. It meant leaving some things behind, heartache for some and eventually for us all.
I recall one time, escaping home with the idea that a choice needs to be made and lying in the park alone in the warm spring evening that decision was finally made. My life took a new course from there. That was 1998.
Chiang Rai: It is comparable to the area in Wimborne, a valley that leads to the river. Beyond the bypass that takes me to and from work the valley opens out long and wide, the mountains on the other side seem far far away. The jungle here has long been cleared for rice fields and there have been times that I have been riding my motorbike here, crisscrossing the land to trying and understand how everything fits together, that reminds me of the walk in Wimborne.
The first time I rode here I was so excited that I returned again the next day. I’ve given it a little break this year because things change here quite quickly so will check it out again and find new surprises.
I took this picture because Noey wasn’t working today. When she is working and I’m late she always messages me asking where I am so today I sent her this picture asking where she was. Predictably, she has exams.
Imagination once so bright Turned toys into tigers Battered to death with culture That no longer inspires us
Today I’m feeling:
Tired and needing that Saturday morning sleep-in catch-up. Still stuck with this dry cough. My weight this morning is down to 78.45kg because of not eating much yesterday and no doubt contributing to my tiredness.
Today I’m grateful for:
Noey at Utopia changing my water to be room temperature instead of with ice after she noticed I was coughing a lot.
The best thing about today was:
A little evening ride around to check out new advancements in our little municipality.
Lots of new things going on and we ended up checking out a shop that we have been past many times where there are just a bunch of bean bags on a lawn with no cover. It stands out a little because the shop will have to close whenever it rains.
They serve some really simple food and speciality sodas. It’s a nice environment to chill out and is pretty popular now that things are back to normal after Covid.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Much of the day felt out of my control today but none of it was in a way that bothered me. Some days are easy to accept.
Tomorrow though there are things I want to do and I will push the time in that direction.
Something I learned today?
Hayden’s girlfriend Vashti will move in with him soon. They will have separate rooms so that they can get away from each other somewhat if necessary, which I don’t think is a bad idea.
I realise that it was at the age that he is at now when I moved to Australia.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
As usual I let Noey make my coffee at Utopia and despite it not being quite hot enough, it still tasted fine. I’m happy to let her improve her skills and be her taste tester.
After an afternoon snooze I was looking forward to going out to my room and playing guitar. Amy said ‘lets go for a ride’. Ok, I thought. It won’t be long before the sun goes down so there’s still plenty of time.
As we were riding around though Amy was looking for places to eat dinner. So even though it was now apparent that I wouldn’t be home soon, I happily rode us from here to there until finding a place to eat.
How do I practice patience and perseverance?
Well, as a quote-unquote ‘teacher’ this is an easy question to answer. I was fairly well practiced in patience before but even I have noticed that I have become far more patient these days.
As to perseverance I do remember as a child and teenager giving up way too easily whenever I found things too difficult. Somehow, possibly aligned with starting work, that changed. I started to enjoy working hard and to see a job completed, even if not always well done.
I believe I learned these traits from my mother who was always working and trying things. I’m grateful for that. Thanks mum.
I took this picture because this was the view from my beanbag at the restaurant this evening.
Couldn’t see the wood for the trees And couldn’t see the trees for the wood Just like counting to ten in threes Somehow it can never be made good But it will come and never stop Start at the left brick at the top
Today I’m feeling:
A mix between lively and tired. I forced my way through exercise this morning and it was a struggle. I need to get up a little earlier now to be able to get everything done and get to school on time too. This first week will be a little rough I’m sure.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Twinkl website for offering 24 hours of free lessons and plan downloads. I didn’t overdo it preferring just to stick with one topic about bullying. There was lots there and I’ll still have to look through it all and make it work for my kids. I’m slowly getting my head into gear again.
The best thing about today was:
The fried egg that Amy cooked for me for lunch, topping off fried rice with fish sausage. Something about that egg though… it had some zing from somewhere!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The kids came from next door again as I was working and stood outside my room until I came out. They asked me if I was going to water the garden again because they wanted me to chase them with the hose and get wet and cool down a little. Who am I to deny them a little fun? I got some watering done too. After a while, I told them that I had to stop playing and do some work and thankfully they understood and didn’t come back.
Something I learned today?
I dropped by Daytripper this afternoon to see if they were interested in taking some lanterns that Amy was going to throw out. When I got there the two girls behind the counter were busy preparing something with a food mixer and so I learned that they make their own Banoffee in-house. They’ll also take the lanterns.
What is the weather like right now?
Last night was the first night with no aircon and just a fan and this morning is cool with low cloud cover, making it a little grey and dreary but at least comfortable. It’s making for a very pleasant Sunday morning so far.
I took this picture because Noey insisted after I showed her the picture of Nong Pear from House. She has a lopsided swollen face today after having a wisdom tooth out on Friday.
With no subjects, you are no king Perhaps just the king of nothing No one to serve and bring To give your life the desired meaning
Addicted to looking on down From the belltowers of the town An arsenal of words to deploy The superiority for one to enjoy The minions though, now vacated The unknowingly abdicated
Today I’m feeling:
I managed to sleep around midnight but kept waking up, eventually getting up at 9.30 but not really waking up until coffee and breakfast at 11. Even so, I think I could sleep again now. I miss the times of long good sleep, about two weeks ago!
I got a photo from Noey yesterday of her and Art in Utopia without me, where we all usually are on Sunday mornings.
Today I’m grateful for:
Dave and Mai to pick us up and pick up Amy’s things that she can’t bring back to Thailand, drive us into the city and enjoy breakfast together.
The best thing about today was:
A general feeling of calm and well-being, noticed particularly when sitting in Three Wise Monkies as Amy drank a red wine and I looked out of the window as folks struggled with the sudden cold wind and rain.
Something I learned today?
Israel advised people to leave the North Gaza Strip before they would bomb there. That’s nice, isn’t it? Then, they bombed the people as they were out in the open leaving. There will be war forever in Israel. Even when Palestine has disappeared completely, the Zionist agenda has made too many victims.
I took this picture because I was quite impressed with this view from the top floor of Myer.Fatman report
1994ever 