Tag: school

Sometimes a parrot talks – 7th March 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

In the 1970s, 80s and 90s, Arthur Deikman warned that many of the spiritual and utopian groups that had mushroomed out of the counter-culture were harmful cults…… He identified four signs of cult-like behaviour — dependence on a leader, compliance with the group, forbidding dissent, and devaluing outsiders. These four behaviours were particularly strong in cults, he suggested, but existed throughout society.

Jules Evans – The soulful psychiatrist (email newsletter)

When I read this I immediately became aware that the school system that I am working within in this country is cult-like. These are government schools where I work, so it makes some sense. Governments operate utilising these four behaviours too.

In this system, preferences are given to the leader, superior or elder, whether they are deserving or not. If they are found lacking machinations begin to move that leader along, often with a handshake to comfort the stab in the back.

Compliance within the group is essential. You must conform. Non-conformity will enable idle gossip, rumour and lies. This will dig deep into your soul until it becomes unbearable. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. (I am that nail, over and over. Yes, I am stupid but I hope to learn.) It is a culture clash that happens repeatedly as teachers come and go faster than they can be replaced. No one learns from this as each party shakes their fists as they walk away.

Dissent leads the same way. Any question is seen as dissent, any suggestion is dissent, opening your mouth can be taken as dissent. To make improvements trickster behaviour must be employed, backroom suggestions that may filter through as if the leaders had thought of it themselves.

And the old favourite – devaluing outsiders. In an environment of education, it seems like it should be essential for everyone to work together. However, here there is a palpable us and them. If you decide to follow the path of non-compliance and dissent you will be seen to have no value (‘you’re one of them, one of them’). The survival technique ensures devaluing yourself – it is too great a burden for many to take.

I am not filled with hope for education in this country. But I can hope that it is only my limited experience and that things are much better in private schools at least, but which unfortunately only the wealthy can afford.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #28

Music from Aburadako, Ween, The Fall, Ahleuchastistas, Steve Miller Band, Radio Palestine, Sajjanu, The Motions, The Letters, Abnorman Chaffy, The Ramones, Jimi Hendrix Experience, Girls Against Boys, Marmalade Butcher, Guzzlemug, Slight Seconds, Cinematics, Strange Changes.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to watch our trees sprout new growth. To see the birds fly down from the branches and pick up yummy worms.

To-do list

  • Practice being nicer to everyone ½
  • Upload and record TCRAH ✅
  • Check files and start grading ✅
  • More CD sorting ✅
  • Xbox Dance today?

I woke up a little hungover today despite only having two beers last night. I’m really not enjoying drinking as much now, though I think I’m not really enjoying anything at the moment. It’s just a feeling that I’m sure will pass soon enough. I feel like I’m going through the motions mostly.

I did get a few things done today and starting to refocus myself a little and after six days stuck at home, I am getting a little itchy to just go for a walk.

I really want to get up tomorrow morning and start playing that dance game. I must do it. I should dance – in my own unstylish way. It will at least make Amy smile.

I got bothered today because Amy mentioned that when I write to school or TLC my words are quite argumentative, or could be perceived that way. I need to become more aware of that and be more amenable. I must think more about what I write and hoping that will transfer to the way I speak too.

We got that attitude! – 28th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful to be able to afford to fly to visit my friends.

Hanlon’s Razor – never attribute to malice what be attributed to stupidity.

To-do list

  • Follow usual morning routine ✅
  • Wear make everywhere ✅
  • Meditate ✅
  • Find out about SIM card ✅
  • Enjoy time with Epit and his kids ✅

It was a terrible start to the day as Amy and I fought over money and my travelling. I was so upset I wanted to cancel my plans and not go to KL. I don’t feel like Amy’s frustrations are really about money or me travelling but more connected with her feelings about Thailand.

I want to suggest to her that she goes back to Australia later in the year and work there for three months and see how she feels. Something has to change.

My plan now is to try and enjoy 12 months more of teaching in the school and if I can’t get on with it then I will stop and just teach at home and online. I think Amy can go back to Australia and work if she really feels like money is going to be a big problem. It doesn’t have to be for six months at a time but that’s up to her.

Another possibility is that she really gets behind teaching at home. I feel like she hasn’t really invested herself into it to make it a viable income yet.

The other thing we should do is to sell the house. I’m sick of always having to think about money and if it is spoiling our happiness even when we live in a beautiful home then we can live anywhere. It doesn’t matter. So long as I can have a space to call my own and a happy Amy then that’s what I want.

谁他妈抽了我的中南海? – 26th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”

Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.

I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.

It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.

I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.

When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.

I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.

If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.

Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?

This is England….

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me.
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.

To-do list

  • Finish death course ✅
  • Read the Bandcamp article ✅
  • Staple exams
  • Write a blog post ✅
  • Practice eye gaze technique ½

A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.

I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.

It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.

In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.

I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.

Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.

We got that attitude! – 23rd February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful that we have drinking water in our house. Not everyone has that.

A man gets an answer to his questions in accordance with his fitness to understand and his one preparation.

The Food Of Paradise

To-do list

  • Remind yourself again that you may die now
  • Record another TCRAH ½
  • Spend 15 minutes planning Bruce’s lesson ✅
  • Register for Payoneer ✅
  • WDS spreadsheet ½

It was an enjoyable morning playing basketball and chatting with Bruno. Not so negative and I can tell he really enjoys teaching his students.

Time ran away way too fast today and somehow I managed to squeeze a lot of things in though no time to meditate today. This next week and a half is going to be busy too but I feel quite positive about the way things are going.

School should be easy this week and I’m taking things quite easy now anyway. I’m expecting to be working a lot more next semester.

I’m struggling a little with what to write here as I haven’t been sitting and thinking about things so much today as I was so busy. I do feel happiness though.

Back on the thought train tomorrow.

Your emotions make you a monster – 20th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to apply to a new school today. I’m hopeful I can make a good impression

Within that head of yours is all the reason and intelligence you need. Make sure your mind is in charge, not your emotions.

Daily Stoic Journal

To-do list

  • Print out the InFocus lesson plan content ✅
  • Listen and take notes at the interview ✅
  • Better prepare for Bruce’s lesson (30 mins) ✅
  • Check stoicism units on FB ✅
  • Write a blog post

I felt pretty good going into today and even getting thrown an extra class suddenly didn’t bother me too much.

The morning flew by enjoyably enough and the interview at CRPAO went well and then chatted with George for a couple of hours so by the time I got home I was feeling pretty good.

I still occasionally think about Kimi and it almost brings a tear to my eye (even as I write this now) but I understand that there is nothing I can do about this. I can acknowledge the feeling and carry on.

Whilst my mind has been a bit less scattered these last two days I still feel a little less clear and focussed. I think the possibilities of a new workplace can help me refocus and brush out some cobwebs.

I really want to pursue the meditation practice more fully as I believe that could have the biggest benefit for me. My mind is always full of things – I’d like there to be a little less going on in there.

Tomorrow, I think I will be happy and positive and looking forward to the weekend – as busy as it might be.

Have you got 10p? – 19th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful to my aching feet. They suffer but are still going. My aching hips, just working. My dodgy knee, my crooked neck, my weak wrists. One day so these pains will be gone. So will I.

What decides whether a sum of money is good? The money is not going to tell you.

Epictetus, Discourses

To-do list

  • Finish Kru Noon’s card ½
  • Start picture for Tian
  • Start spreadsheet for WDS tour ✅
  • Listen to Donald Robertson lecture ½
  • Plan to take Amy to OK@Chiang Rai ✅

In a much more positive frame of mind today. The knowledge of no longer working in this school has taken the pressure off but it is making me wonder why I can’t just think like that all the time? I’m hoping that the move to a new school and position will give me the fresh approach I need. I tried to do that this semester and was only somewhat successful. Now I have a little more experience under my belt.

I will have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully, that will go well. I should take a notebook with me and make notes. I don’t think I’ll ask too many questions and will suggest some ideas I have based on some textbooks I found useful today too.

I chatted for about 20 minutes with Fred this morning and we discussed the failings of the schools in Thailand and our different methods of dealing with it. I am quite aware that my method is not the best way. I must learn the way that can keep me calm and happy and at the same time try to do my best for the students.

I’m giving myself another 12 months to see if I can turn things around for myself. I will try to do this by remembering how George deals with things and consciously putting them into practice. I feel like some of the pieces of the puzzle are coming together today. I feel strong enough to be able to deal with things. I just hope I can maintain this when difficult situations arise.

Paycheck to paycheck, living for what? Every night I get drunk to get sunk – 11th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The continuum of Problem-solving:

You solve the visible problem.

You solve the problem that caused the visible problem.

You avoid the problem.

When solving visible problems, it’s easy to signal value creation to others. If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place. Instead, everyone thinks you’re indispensable because you’re so busy solving problems.

As you move toward avoiding problems before they happen, visibility decreases. Explaining what you do all day becomes harder and more subjective. Rewarding people for something that didn’t happen is very difficult. Thus, it becomes risky for the employee to avoid problems.

From Farnam Street’s Brain Food Newsletter

“If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place.” Reading this took me right back to my old IT office job.

I really loved that job when I first started. It was overlooking Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Opera House. I worked my ass off to learn as quickly as I could. Years later I was rewarded with a technical administration position, which was better than it sounds.

It was a steep learning curve which involved a lot of testing, installations, maintenance, programming and 24 hour support. The product was a top of the range piece of software. It had just turned the year 2000 and money was flowing freely through the institutions that were supported. Work was interesting and fun.

Slowly, money started to dry up and upgrades were delayed. Often the users would demand it whilst their finance departments would not agree to pay for it. These battles went on consistently for about a decade. During that time all that I needed to do was to make sure the thing kept running. My typical work day could be over after 5 minutes of checking emails. So I made good use of the super fast internet, the office supplies and the printers.

Eventually they started replacing the product I was supporting with a cheaper alternative. Of course users complained because now their minor problems were turning into major problems. To save money, costed money. But it was more cost effective for my employer to pay penalties to the customer for fuckups than it was ensure the fuckups didn’t happen in the first place.

Eventually, after 13 years of arguing for better planning and products, sitting quietly doing my own things on company time, I was made redundant. It was an amazing relief to be honest, and it changed the course of my life. Much for the better, I like to think.

Now, wherever I am working, I can see the same redundant systems in place. The ‘work smarter, not harder’ mantra hasn’t managed to infiltrate everywhere as yet.

It won’t work,
Won’t work no more….

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our beautiful house. It feels like a home.

I am so happy and grateful to make friends with these puppies, even though they ate my shoes.

To-do list

  • Reply to Kieran ½
  • Catch up with Stoa and Daily Stoic ✅
  • Search more about TOEFL for Bruce ✅
  • Write a blog entry ✅
  • Get more CD cases finished! All? ½

An easy two-lesson day that could have been easily disrupted when I was told I could no longer use the library so I had to think quickly about new lessons which wasn’t too stressful.

I was pretty quiet today, still a bit tired from the weekend. I even lost my wallet at one stage but that didn’t phase me and I figured where it may have fallen out of my pocket and sure enough they had found it in the cafe. That’s the first time I have ever lost my wallet or anything out of my pockets. That’s a pretty good record but hopefully not a sign of things to come.

Things I could have improved on would be to not join in when other teachers are complaining. I don’t do it too much but it’s easy to fall into it.

I feel like I got a lot done today but still like I have a lot to do. None of these things are essential but one I do have to start getting on top of is the WDS tour so I’ll get back on to that tomorrow. I also start teaching Bruce online again so that will be a bit of extra cash coming in too.

We got that attitude! – 10th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for all the friends I have made around the world so that I can go to places and meet them. I met Kyaw Kyaw and Zarni from Rebel Riot and Christopher Luppi, a long-time scene veteran in Thailand.

The more people you listen to, the more aspects of humanity you will recognise, and the better your instincts will be.

Kate Murphy, NYT

Hinoki Land

To-do list

  • Savour the drive back to Chiang Rai ½

I did savour moments of our drive back especially when we stopped at Hinoki Land, a beautiful Japanese site with great architecture and views.

One thing I noticed a lot though was how much Amy makes small complaints and negative comments. They didn’t alter my own mood but I notice this more and more when I compare it to how we were in Australia. It’s like she didn’t need to comment on each small petty grievance in Australia because she was generally happy and positive about life around her. My concern is that she is less happy now and that will have a longer-term effect on both of us.

I’m looking forward to sleeping tonight and whilst not looking forward to going back to school, I am positive about getting back into a routine again. When we talked about it on our drive I realised there are only about 4 more weeks of actual teaching left.

Kill confusion by killing options – 4th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Most disputes are a waste of time even if you’re in the right….

– Haters blog post by Paul Graham

I can recall a thousand arguments I thought I’d won, “That showed them!” Only now to realise I had lost.

Some people start arguments for an unknown reason. Why do we bite at it? Sometimes it’s something we just know we can easily win. An opportunity to show intellectual superiority. What did that achieve in the end?

Sometimes people just sound argumentative perhaps not eloquent enough to express themselves any other way. Being able to defuse situations like that takes a special skill, worth practicing.

Some people don’t argue at all and start with a closed fist. They didn’t like the way you looked. The air sizzles with violence. Mostly recognised from younger days, too old to be a threat to anyone now surely.

Another option often chosen is to simply run away from it, waiting until calmer heads prevail. But what if it didn’t come?

I hate arguing, it’s a waste of time and energy. That doesn’t mean I won’t stand up for what I believe to be right and true but those opportunities rarely actually appear in life. Most arguments are petty and ultimately inconsequential. So the aim is not to win or lose but to just not waste time.

I’m sick of emotions always tearing me inside
Watching things crumble, letting all things slide
A very temporary waste of time
Is there really such a thing as a waste of time?

Gray Matter

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my medicine. I didn’t realise I didn’t take it yesterday and I felt pretty down most of that time. Only realised this morning when I found the tablet on the bench!

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Buddha

To-do list

  • Take some new photos to use on the blog ½
  • Gym after work ✅
  • Play the listen and don’t complain game ½
  • Clear some Pocket articles ✅

It was a little difficult to play the listen and don’t complain game as Kevin and Said weren’t in school today and apart from courtesies I only spoke to Fred for about 3 minutes. I was able to do it later though when Kru Tam was complaining about Kevin not being organised to send things for printing. I just asked her what she would like me to do.

Similarly, taking photos wasn’t really an easy task either. I’m either sitting at my desk or teaching – not many interesting photo opportunities arising.

I rode my pushbike to the gym and met KP along the way which was nice – she has such a good heart. She was in a hrry though so not much chat but I hope I can ask her to help bring some students for us sometime.

I learned a lot today about social connection and just talking to strangers. A little easier said than done with the language barrier here but George seems to manage to do it quite well. I need to practice those skills. I guess I missed a little opportunity to do this at the gym as there was a white guy there. the gym feels a bit weird to do that though. Though, now I’m thinking of it, it is where George meets and talks to a lot of people so I guess I just need to bite the bullet and try it.

From the ground and in the air, it’s a fabulous spectacle – 2nd February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Oh! I went riding around in the hills and valleys again today and I savoured every minute of it. The cool morning air countered the sun and heat, the sky white with mist and smoke, though thankfully not the thick cancerous smoke that will soon be with us every day until rainy season. Every paradise humans have found required a garbage dump.

I’m surprised I’m energised this morning after a 7 hour drunken sleep, woken somewhere in that time by Indian indigestion. I guess the two coffees kick-started me well enough so as soon as I got back from the cafe I hopped on the bike, no destination in mind.

The locals stare curiously at this white-haired monster screaming through their quiet village daily life but return the big smiles I beam at them. Spread the love. I get stuck behind what may have at one time been a truck but has been mangled into a new form so as to navigate its territory. On the back, two old uncles cling on to the stack of metal merchandise, though one is drunkenly singing and dancing to the traditional Thai folk music blasting from the rigged up PA system. The audio system far more important than the vehicle, which drops bolts and parts to the ground as it bounces around. It’s just turned 10 am.

Finally, I turn off and deeper into the hills through dirt tracks, some familiar, others new to me. Besides the divots and bumps, sleeping dogs must be navigated, their nerve holding much longer than mine.

Eventually, time to turn back, sore butt yet soaring thoughts. For brief moments in time it is wonderful to be alive. Let’s seek them out.

Suitably invigorated I set about the task of finally moving the stack of bricks that has been sitting in the middle of the garden for the past two years. They had become so familiar that they were practically invisible now. Every now and then I would be reminded by the cats sitting atop the stack, surveying the garden, waiting for birds to fly into their mouths.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the garden and half the clothing I used to wear has decomposed, my sweat probably had eaten through the fabric. Stacking 12 blocks at a time into the wheelbarrow I soon regretted not having gloves but whatever, time to toughen up these dishwashing hands again.

Nearer the bottom of the stack, I started to notice discarded snakeskins so thought to be a little bit more cautious, particularly as the blocks have 3 deep pockets through them. And finally, in the bottom of the pile, a small shy snake tasting the air with its tongue from within one of the pockets.

I carefully removed all the other blocks, keeping a good eye on the snake in its home. At one point it decided to make a break which gave me chance to capture a photo which I could get an ID for the snake later on Facebook. The snake exchanged one pocket for another as there was nowhere else safe to go, just open spaces around.

I figured I’d give it some time to chuff off on it’s own accord but then realised the nearest place of solitude was in our room where Amy teaches. Not the best option. So it was, pockets facing away I carefully picked up the whole block and chucked it over the fence into the deep scrub and long grass outside. Situation dealt with.

Godspeed….

Through the Facebook group, I discovered the snake was a highly venomous Thai spitting cobra. In our ignorance of its existence until this day our cats and I had been lucky and likewise, today this shy, delicate yet deathly dangerous beast let our relationship end without grief. I just hope our relationship has ended permanently.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful at my ability to bounce back and be positive again. I remember a time a minor thing would play on my mood for many days.

The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times. The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.

Mihaly Csikszentmihali

To-do list

  • Hang washing ½
  • Cut grass at front ✅
  • Record new TCRAH ✅
  • Write blog entry as if abducted ½
  • Finalise more details for WDS

A quieter and much more enjoyable day today. Time goes too quickly though. I wrote a different blog entry today but want to explore that idea about feelings of loss of freedom.

Tonight I will savour more about my trip to Japan.

Tomorrow’s lessons are all planned out though I need to be prepared for the unexpected as always. Our daily schedule will be a little different in that we have to take the car for service and Amy can’t drive. We’ve planned ahead though so it should all work out. If anything does go awry then remain calm.

Things I could have done better today was maybe not going for coffee in the morning. I had told Amy I would hang the washing when I came back but she had already done it despite her busted arm. She wasn’t upset at doing it but I missed an opportunity to be helpful. Tomorrow I will try to consider more opportunities for acts of kindness.