I am so happy and grateful that I teach first thing on Monday morning and the students are good fun. It’s a happy start to the week.
We got that attitude! – 20th July 2020
Tag: teaching
Can I have the key? – 17th July 2020
Wake up at night and clench my jaw when I stretch – stupid. Brain jukebox – Volcano Suns – Medicine Cabinet. What a brain! Five days habit morning – losing a little weight – now steadily under 80 kg – happy with that.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my long-running laptop. It keeps on chugging along.
To-do list
- Awards game all the time – play it!
- Turn the awards game into compliments
- Smile, talk less, listen more
I did play the awards game and turned a couple into compliments (on Friday) but forgot after that – why don’t I remember? Will try again.
Went out with Amy on Friday night and whilst she and everyone else were drinking, I decided not to – knowing what I would feel like on Saturday. Everyone was having a good time but I was super tired and went to the car to rest and listen to music. Despite being uncomfortable in the car I was in a positive mood and turned it into ‘getting to listen to my music’ instead of ‘having to wait for Amy’.
Needless to say, I felt good on Saturday morning and Amy struggled through the day! I even managed to get up early on Sunday and do my 5-minute exercise routine which made me feel great for the rest of the day until about 6 pm when I got tired and went to bed (to read).
I also didn’t eat much this weekend and got back under 79kg again. I want to keep going and burn off the rest of this belly fat.
I spoke to Hayden over the weekend and he sounded much better than before. His speech was clear and his ideas had more clarity too. He said he hasn’t smoked pot for 30 days now. That’s great to hear. I’m so happy to hear him sound more positive at last.
Classes have been going well. The kids are working me out and they make me laugh. I’m not taking things too seriously now – just try to enjoy our time with each other in the class.
We got that attitude! – 15th July 2020
Weird dreams – girl on bus wanted sex. I was taking care of a package but don’t know why. Ended up meeting old friends. I lost my bike – went to a record store that was also a bar. Az worked there – he got hit by a payphone that fell off the wall – I felt like it was my fault. He let me into a weird place with lots of people who wanted to dose me with drugs and kill me. I got this from reading the beginning of the Hendrix book.
Up early today – at school by eight, in new room. Tired but happy. Cats came to visit my room. Tigger wanted to spray. Maybe he did.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have any lessons today so I can plan for my next video.
To-do list
- Smile, laugh – listen, listen, listen ✅
- Compliment two people ✅
- Play the awards game in your head ✅
- Who can you connect with? ½
- Record for Bruce if time
I went to the dentist on Wednesday so didn’t get time to write here but it was a good cruisy day with some video-making and writing. I followed the same points above today and did OK but sometimes I think I still talk more than I need to and should listen more. I did remember to compliment people – two on Wednesday but only one today. I really really want to remember to play the awards game because when I do remember it makes me laugh inside and feel happy.
On Wednesday I connected a little with JJ and First but now everyone is busy with teaching so there is little time left to try and go a little deeper with people. I had a couple of difficult classes today though there were a few students who stood out. I hope I can encourage the others to open up and participate more. It’s early days.
Two students fell asleep in my afternoon class and I got the rest of the kids to creep out quietly and we let them sleep. They thought that was funny and everyone had a break.
We found that attitude! – 14th July 2020
Quick today – teaching today finally. Brain in gear? Brain in gear – ready to go. Stay with it. Make it fun for the kids.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be in the classroom again. It gives me some confidence, I know I can do a good job.
To-do list
- Compliment everyone you can ½
- Mantra and blessing ½
- Keep students happy – teaching is second ✅
- Smile, laugh, listen first ½
I was very happy today. Possibly a little too exuberant but I couldn’t help myself. I should try to reign it in a little bit though as sometimes I get too comfortable and forget about how I make other people feel.
I only ended up teaching one lesson this morning – and then made a video. Being with the students again made me happy.
Later, as we discussed the schedule I offered to take 2 lessons each from George and Dylan as they are the subject I’m supposed to be teaching anyway. This meant less work for them and more for me but I felt good about that because it means I can monitor the progress of the students easily. I’m also happy to be working in the class more.
Even the bad news that we now have to arrive before 8 am couldn’t get me down today. We’ve had it easy for a long time really – we’ve been very lucky.
We’re gonna carry on for another day – 13th July 2020
Quick pages. Dark and raining, cool and humid. Motivated this morning but teeth hurt. Dream? I know I had them.
Suck in deep breaths. Mini workout – my style – one day I’ll do more. Slowly, slowly is okay.
Busy day ahead? Maybe – let’s see – can face anything now right? You can, you can. Brain blur – meditate.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my new chair so I can relax outside and watch the football. I felt great.
7th Sep 2022 – I was trying to think what this chair was and suddenly remembered. It was a kind of comfy padded folding chair without legs so you could adjust it in many ways. It was good for a while but the arm mechanism soon broke and one drunken evening Amy kept tripping over it and picked it up and threw it into the yard where it broke even further. I think it must still be in my man cave, which is a place I need to visit and make sure has not been fully taken over by spiders and insects and hope that the roof has not leaked with all the rain. About 95% of my CD collection is still in there.
To-do list
- Compliment two people ½
- Mantra and blessing ✅
- Give Dylan positive feedback ✅
- Be vulnerable – open and helpful to other teachers ✅
- Record audio for Bruce in the evening
After a fairly relaxing day of making videos and preparing to make more, we finally got asked to teach in the classroom. Actually, I had already gotten a little bored and helped T. First in a couple of lessons already and I found them quite stimulating and fun.
Finally, we get to teach – it’s been so long! I felt good all day and fairly confident about everything.
We got that attitude! – 23rd June 2020
I am so happy and grateful that we have some work to do at school this week. It will fill the time.
We got that attitude! – 11th June 2020
Hayden in hospital – far away can’t see. Drama in his life. Girls – damn, was that always my problem too? Glad I found a couple of good ones in my time. What to do – what to say? Talk to him later I guess.
Head not too clear – last night say goodbye to Nu as he heads home. Couple of beers – no drunk feeling but slight blurry feeling this morning. Head with thoughts but not clear.
Cracking creaking neck. Stretch it better. Bleugh, alcohol. Fat belly breathing up and down. Try to clear.
Teach tonight. Talk more. Am I good at talking– good at listening?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that my son was smart enough to seek help when he really needed it. I hope he can work through his problems and lead a happy life.
To-do list
- Mini-zine for Nu – check his Facebook ½
- Positive – smile- compliment – wish ½
- Prepare for meeting Mike tomorrow ✅
- More Thai practice – this is a great opportunity ✅
- Try to talk with Hayden more ½
As Hayden had had his phone taken off him it was hard to talk with him today but he called me at lunchtime and he sounded much better today. He thinks he’ll be there for a few more days and I hope they can get him on the right path. I think he knows about this but is finding it difficult to get away from what he is familiar with. He has also struggled with the idea of change but could give himself more credit for how well he has actually dealt with it in the past.
I was a little quiet today but actually quite happy, just wanted to listen more than speaking today.
I tried to do the mini-zine in the morning and I put all the ideas together but the execution was awful. I’ll work on a proper version and send it to him. It was fun to put together though and I’d like to do it for more people.
I vacillate a lot or maybe not so much – 10th June 2020
Alice Donut on brain jukebox today. Workers here already dig, dig, digging. Young fat Chinese-looking guy or maybe sumo.
Thai was tough this morning brain not ready. Stretch stretch stretch – feels good – my muscles are for a smaller body – muscles – 5 foot 10 my body 5 foot 11.
Making bed, so happy and grateful – imagine that I live in this house – wait! I do! We own it but in the end, we are just renting – we are not going to live forever. How lucky we are to be here. I have my room, my books, my CDs – everything. I love it. I have my health (just about!). Can I live to be 300? I feel like it might be possible! There’s things to do.
Wow, many thoughts seem clearer each morning now – maybe I’m not awake yet, need that coffee. Dream… Oh, wait I was dreaming about school I remember but now not sure. The more I try to remember the further away it gets. Time to meditate I bet when I do my mind will fill with ridiculous thoughts. Trying to remember that dream. Oh well, let’s practice.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for everything around me in my life. I’ve been so happy with our wonderful home and with my time together with Amy.
To-do list
- Find smoking video for Bruce ✅
- Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
- Listen – respond with understanding ½
- More Thai practice ✅
- Actually draw mini-zine
Another simple, easy day with no real problems at school. George is still talking about conspiratorial faked moon landings and I can’t work out if he is really believing in these things or just trying to be provocative. I think it’s a bit manipulative to try and generate some discussion but it seems somewhat at odds to me with his usual calm and clear-headed thinking.
In the afternoon we met Kevin, Ben and Mike (three French teachers – teaching English) and I felt a little bit in conflict – particularly with Mike who I can’t help but be competitive with. He says things that make it seem like he knows things about me that he thinks are secret or don’t want him to know but actually, I don’t really have that feeling until he mentions them. I need to stop feeling like that at all and not play into that game – difficult as it is for me. I can realise my shortcomings, but can I act to improve on them.
In the morning Hayden contacted me and said he was in the psych hospital after having a panic attack and meltdown. He sounded very upset and it was a little difficult to try and find the right words to say to him. I can empathise with having negative thoughts and self-talk but personally never got to the point of panic.
He talked a little about what the causes of it were, though they are all external and are obviously upsetting for him to deal with but I don’t have a clear view of the whole picture.
I blame myself somewhat for not being a good enough role model and being absent in his life. I do think that I had given him my perspective on these things based on my own life experience but it can be hard for someone to comprehend until they go through it themselves. He shows many of the same traits I had at that age – self-doubt, low self-esteem etc. These are things I struggle with even now.
After talking with his mum to get more background it seems the stem of the current problem relates to his girlfriend who does not seem to be a person who brings him up but puts him down. There’s obviously some conflicting emotions going on for him and he’s struggling to deal with that.
Amy gives me her pointed advice and shows some frustration with me in not giving him a better foundation on which to build and when she asks me what I can do to help him I really don’t know what to say and then, what to actually do. Tough love is probably not the best option right now. His mum may wrap him up in cotton wool again and he still won’t learn how to deal with things for himself.
I hope he can accept that he might need medicinal and therapeutic help and arrive at the right conclusions for himself. I feel a little helpless and useless. I couldn’t be a good dad – just a person with the name, dad.
Nu and Aing came for dinner as Nu will leave on Friday. One by one our friends are leaving. I have just tomorrow to make some small gift so I really must make a mini-zine for him tomorrow and give it to him.
I like it when your eyes get big – 9th June 2020
Tuesday 7 am – no workers yet, cancelled two days running. Sabai sabai. Just do a good job – a long lasting job.
Hot Snakes in head today. Mild-mannered Froburg, last night podcast – couldn’t get to sleep from tension in my legs – eventually, did – XOX – all Hot Snakes songs are great but sound the same
Why am I comfortable to sit cross-legged? It fucks my back but feels better at the time. Bruce, work today, visit bookshop – I love books – take another for Bruno.
Evidence – I am a believer in what can be known – not so much what isn’t known. Will argue with George over this for sure – but keep it good-natured.
What did I dream? I don’t recall. Talk with Andrew on Sunday – what about? What method – work it out. A Dinosaur Jr. riff – always different always the same – my head is full of musical trivia – nonsense – but so it is.
Finished my jigsaw – meditate on that. Observe. Sounds and light.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all the people I have met in my life, good and bad, they made me into who I am.
To-do list
- Update document for Bruce ✅
- Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
- Find 5-10 minutes to meditate
- Scan some pictures
- Draw mini zine
I took some time today to learn more Thai and didn’t get to do so much else. Another very chilled day with no real work to do as such. I felt happy and contented and tried harder to listen and get more understanding from people. George mostly.
He started talking about fake moon landings and I didn’t argue against him but asked what it is about these types of things that interests him. I gave him my reason for not believing in the conspiracy and we both understood each other.
The lesson with Bruce was good despite my being a bit tired – it ended up an enjoyable discussion.
I did spend many times concentrating on the feelings in my body – when walking, when driving and there were also a couple of moments during the day when I just felt very contented. I want to learn to hold on to those – especially when we actually have to work in class. We talked (me, George and Dylan) about making classes fun and enjoyable for the students and I have to remember this more as I fell I am a more serious and sombre teacher.
We got that attitude! – 21st May 2020
I am so happy and grateful for opportunities and choices. Last night Takky asked again if I would be interested in teaching with him and Alan at Tessaban 6. It’s good to have options.
To-do list
- Enjoy the day again – not much for me ✅
- Meditate and exercise – get up early ✅
- Can you do morning pages? The quiet voice?
- Drink more water ½
I got up early and did some weights and stretching, as well as a quick meditation. I felt pretty good but was a bit down and subdued when I got to work. I was still thinking about last night and my worry about Amy drinking too much sometimes.
I was a bit snappy with George too. He has been so helpful for me and Dylan and introducing us to the school. Today I got a bit annoyed at him telling us the best way to do something and felt like I wanted to assert myself a little so I can show a little independence. That was all well and good but I’m not as good a subtle craftsman with words and expression as he is and I worry that I upset him a little.
I still struggle to think carefully about how my words come out and how they might be received. I’m not yet quick enough to work out a better way of expressing my assertions.
I also think that my grumpiness is caused by the discussion last night about the possibility of working with Takky and Alan. They make a good option for doing meaningful work in their school but it would mean working a lot harder than I do right now and my preference is to work less and less! It is nice to receive praise from them but I also still doubt my own abilities.
Ellen has also been talking about teaching online through students she finds for me and she talked about how competitive it is now. She asked me what my main skills were and I really wasn’t sure what to say! I don’t really know what they are!
I often feel like I can’t really do anything until I’m actually doing it and even then when I get praise, it’s still not enough to give me confidence.
I met Kru Tang this morning and she mentioned that Kru Boe missed me a lot and Tang said Boe cried about what happened with me at the school last year. One thing that has come out of that is that things seem to have improved there quite a lot and it seems to be a result of my efforts and sacrifice there.
I did feel good about that but it’s not the kind of situation I want to find myself in again and the offer to work with Takky and Alan could prove to end up the same (or is that just my anxiety speaking?).
George says I like to play mind games, implying that I think too much about some things. I don’t know. I guess I’ll think about that too.
Tomorrow I’ll try to think how to be assertive in a more gentle manner – and listen first, in full, before deciding what action I want to take.
1994ever 