Watch out for the spiders of compulsion – 6th February 2018

As it was in 1994, my year of change is marked by death.  Then, it was my best friend Steve.  Steve would have been the first person I would turn to in times of sadness and self-doubt when trying to settle in Australia.  Now, it is my mother.

This is a bigger cultural change, a deeper more emotional challenge, moving to Thailand.  I wanted to share it with my mum and listen to her advice.  I know what her advice would be but I would still like to have heard it from her own mouth.  I will stay strong, continue to make her proud.

This afternoon I have a Skype interview for the CELTA course (English teaching) in Chiang Mai.  I have done one of these interviews before in Sydney and was accepted to do the course but that time I was under no pressure and was fairly relaxed about everything and I ended up not taking the course at that time.  This time I am more worried.  This is something I need once I get to Thailand so that I can find work legally there.  I am also, obviously, not in a particularly bright and cheery mood.

These days are dragging now,  I’m getting impatient to take my next steps.  Why can’t I relax, take everything in my stride, enjoy the free time?  I often seem to be striving for the next thing, constantly on the move.

The fear of numbered days makes them pass too swiftly.

You fight for your life
Held back by fear of falling
You fight for your life
Held back by fear of feeling
You fight for your life
Held back by fear of freedom
Your only fear
The fear of freedom

 

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