Strength through adversity. Fuck ’em all. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. That’s a ‘good’ fuck you!
13th Jan 2022 – The emotions are angry and the feeling is negative yet it’s clear that I had a positive approach. My head understood what confused my heart. I could be strong and independent, and at the same time, weak and wanting. Balance was on its slow path to engaging this scared little boy.
Bonus points for the connection between the picture and this post.
I feel calm. I have a sense of loneliness with anticipation. Anything could happen. I’m calm but I want it to happen now. Right now. If I have to make it happen then I will. I know I can do anything – it just seems strange to have no one to share it with.
26th Dec 2021 – As we look back it’s strange to imagine that these words are from 20 years ago. The emotional intensity is still immediate yet, I’m now somehow detached.
At a low point, despite feeling calm, I was still agitated and anxious about the future. I had been through a handful of years at an extreme high, now was the time to deal with the hangover.
TLJ had often mentioned to me that I always seemed to feel that I needed a girlfriend or a partner and, despite my denials, it was true. I needed that female figure, that mother replacement, in my life and it felt like a constant search.
It wouldn’t be for another few years before that feeling would change and, at the same time, finding the long term partner that I had been seeking.
Today I erased my girlfriends from my phone – there’s a sad finality.
Why am I so restless? Why am I so stupid? Gotta go!
28th Nov 2021 – I started some writing again in this beautiful leather-bound book that TLJ brought back from Europe in mid-2001. It’s ironic that this is the first entry in this book as TLJ would have been one of the girlfriends erased.
My head wasn’t in a good place at this time and for quite a while after. I’d managed to fix some things in my life whilst continuing to fuck up a few others. I was a little bit directionless and lacking in self-esteem.