Music from R. Stevie Moore, Alamaailman Vasarat, Kustomized, Sun City Girls, The Monkees, Flesh Narc, Beastie Boys, Cheer-Accident, Milk Burp, Different I’s, Logic Circuit, The Skatallites, Rebel Truth, GIRTH, Mahavita, Toy Dolls, The Woolies, Angelic Upstarts, Lost Nation and Bleach.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our visitors who fill our home with action and variation. It’s nice to be able to share our experiences with other people.
From commonplace book
I’m much more interested in being a hero than a professional.
Billy Childish
To-do list
Get out of your own head and talk to people ½
Compliment people ½
Do something nice for someone
Upload TCRAH ✅
Write to Kieran and Chrissie ✅
Write blog about making friends
A busy and productive day – time ran away too quickly.
Mam and her family enjoyed breakfast and within an hour we had students.
I feel more confident today and have mostly pushed the negative from yesterday out of my mind. This was helped a lot by getting down my thoughts when writing to Kieran and Chrissie.
I was happy to receive a reply from Jochen. Well-considered and thoughtful ideas to my questions particularly about children. I look forward to composing a reply. He has also agreed to do some recorded responses for the podcast which provides me with the challenge to prepare and execute that.
I didn’t manage to do all the things on my list today, perhaps overreaching. I need to take into account that recording a new podcast can take up to three hours.
My self-control was only minimally tested today when Amy wanted to go to a local shop to buy some clothes for the funeral tomorrow. I was fine with this, to be honest – it was necessary. I do feel a little that I am sick at the moment though but mostly just dizziness and not affecting my mood.
We have a 5 am wake-up tomorrow and I hope I can get some extra sleep on the drive to Chiang Mai. I’m somewhat prepared with things to listen to on my phone and things to read. I don’t anticipate any other free time tomorrow.
Something I could have done better with today would have been to help Amy more with things around the house. I’m very lucky that she cooks and cleans for me all the time. It gives me lots of free time and I often feel somewhat selfish for that.
Jimmy talked to me today and told me he had complaints from parents about me hugging the kids. I got a little defensive, unfortunately, as to me, it’s not a big deal. But I need to understand how the kids might feel if they are influenced by this culture and their parent’s understanding.
(Later) Fuck me, these kids drive me crazy. Fucking annoying obnoxious little brats.
What am I doing here? I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to teach them anything. Fuck – it was a bad day.
I felt a little better after looking at what I have prepared for them next week. I don’t know if things will go well enough but at least it has a little more structure than today. I need to try and concentrate on the ones who want to learn and ignore all the others.
I wish I could explain to the parents that their children (the ones who want to learn) are constantly held back by the rest of the class. I don’t know how much they would care. It’s a pointless thought anyway because it will never happen. So – I have to keep myself happy somehow and fuck everything else.
It’s not really contenting so I hope Amy and I can work out a way to get out of this position by developing our own classes – something that is somewhat fraught with danger due to work conditions.
Gratitude Journal
What a sunrise this morning. I am so happy and grateful to be able to view this every morning.
From commonplace book
…these fragments of musical expressions good as some of them were, stuck me as unpleasant because they were entirely unexpected and unprepared for. Gaiety, sadness, despair, tenderness, triumph burst upon the ear without any justification, just like the emotions of a madman. And, as with a madman, these emotions vanished just as unexpectedly.
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, pg 789
To-do list
Compliment everybody. ½
What you read – read deeply.
Write back to Lachlan. ✅
Write to Kieran – anyone else?
Look for nice things to do for others.
Smile a lot – do not complain.
Get books from Mohan.
I started today well by complimenting the teacher on gate duty. My first class went well too despite my initial worries.
Things got derailed from there though as Jimmy talked to me that a parent had called to complain that their daughter cried at home because I hugged her. Jimmy said not to touch the students or he didn’t know what would happen.
I put forward my case that it is my style and though I understood what he was saying that it could happen again. I know the benefit of hugs and haven’t come across any signs from the students that they are upset by it.
I tried to stay as neutral as I could but was infuriated, not listening or choosing to misunderstand me. I got annoyed when it looked to me as if he was pretending to take a phone call and just started talking to his phone, cutting off what I was saying.
I did notice myself quickly trying to think about the content of what he said and despite being a bit miffed I thought that I have to accept this if I want to stay working.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep it out of my mind and as I thought more I thought perhaps that no students had actually complained but that he (or another teacher) had made the complaint. This certainly made more sense in the context of the conversation as Jimmy was quite vague and evasive.
Still – there is the message that they want to give me either way.
I wrote out a few different thoughts and ideas and my approach at the moment is to push more to teaching students at home – no boss, no stupid systems to follow and kids actually interested to learn more. Teaching at home comes it’s own predicaments as it’s technically illegal without a work permit and I could get thrown out of the country. This left me anxious somewhat and unsure of which way to turn.
My thinking right now is to teach until the end of the semester and see where things are at. I feel like I have to be like a robot more now – which I think is what they want. Good little automatons that can be used when required.
My patience was tested and broke in my last class and that was quite upsetting but I have thought of a strategy to attempt to stop it from happening again. Let’s just hope it is acceptable.
I’m still thinking about all this so it’s not clear from my mind yet. I have the weekend to adjust.
1. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. Ask questions. Listen. Do not judge. 2. Do not correct someone. Do not one-up with a clever story. 3. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and focus on what they’re saying now. Tell yourself ‘I’m not going to say it!’ 4. Ask about what challenges people have. Ask for advice. 5. To make strangers feel at ease tell them you only have a minute. 6. Body language – smile slower. 7. If you feel someone is using you just ask them what it is they want and what they hope to achieve. Are you there for me or there for you?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the beautiful smelling flowers in my garden. When I walk to my car in the morning they smell so delicious. I am grateful to Amy’s mum for planting them for us.
To-do list
Sort lessons for KT for the weekend.
Clear emails.
Compliment another teacher.
Positive feedback for kids always.
Do not complain!
Organise Chiang Mai trip – where is the office?
Add to things to write about list.
Buy new pens.
Did it list
30 squats and weightless shoulder presses.
Found lessons suitable for Khawthang.
Did gate duty and smiled at all the kids.
Had to speak at assembly.
Got given an exam lesson to cover as Kevin was absent. Dealt with calmly and went ok.
Went to city to pick up books and pens.
Printed sheets for Prang/Sea and for Khawthang.
Read about 7 tips for good conversation.
Let people talk, ask questions, do not judge, ‘that’s interesting, tell me more’ etc – sincerely.
I ran out of time quickly today after having to fill in an extra lesson for Kevin’s class. His class had good kids though with good levels of English – so it was quite fun to teach them. I only got told about having to do the class during the assembly. I also had to speak at the assembly as Said wasn’t there either. I’m quite happy with the way I handled my emotions with this. It would have been easy to get upset and complain. I don’t think I complained today – not out loud anyway! I didn’t get as much done (reading articles!) as I would have liked but that’s ok. I need to get some other backup games and lessons up my sleeve in case I’m called on again. I’m not sure about doing an MEP class next semester. I think it could be more fulfilling but also a lot more work.
Thankfully, I didn’t drink much last night so woke up early and started doing a few things and the day has ended up quite well. A few ideas for more things I’d like to do this year. Slowly, my man cave is getting in order.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to my old friends, who are busy now, as we all are, but haven’t forgotten about me. I won’t forget about them either.
Weight: 80.5kg Resting heart rate: 47
My friend Rosie, in Sydney, posted on facebook an offer to draw/paint pictures to send to friends and so I picked Jochen (Hinterlandt), Kyaw Kyaw (Rebel Riot) and Lachlan (Art As Catharsis). I can’t recall if I arranged for her to send out the actual pictures too but they all received them digitally around this time. A great philanthropic idea for sure and I was very happy to take Rosie up on her offer.
To-do list
Dye hair.
Sort more old writing and things in room.
Next Thai video and Drops.
Find something for teaching KT.
Wix forum options.
Did it list
Read 3 chapters.
Got up early.
Dyed my hair.
Recorded another TCRAH.
Sorted through old writing and letters.
Streamlined more online processes.
Installed forum options to WIX – looks achievable to do what I wish.
Heard some great new music.
Posted Rosie’s pictures to Jochen, Lachlan and Kyaw Kyaw.
Watched next Thai video and Drops x2.
Had long lazy buffet lunch with Amy.
Reacted calmly when discussing having to go to Chiang Mai on Sunday.
It was good to get up early and take advantage of the day. I’m glad I didn’t drink too much last night and though I did;t hang out much with everyone celebrating NYE I felt contented reading comics by myself. I have to go to Chiang Mai next Friday to apply for my new passport and thinking about the best plan for going and coming back. This afternoon we heard that Ting’s mum had died today and we discussed about going to Chiang Mai for the funeral. We will have to go and come back on Sunday. it’s not optimal but as Ting took the trouble to come to my mum’s funeral, it is the best thing for me to do. Ting has to fly all the way from the UK.
You may not wake up tomorrow.
What did I do well today? What could I have done better? – where was my self-control tested? What will I do tomorrow? How can I improve? – what have I learned that will help me tomorrow? Savour a memory from the past.
Amy was in a bad mood yesterday due to PMT. She confided with me today that she is feeling lonely due to her old friends here in Chiang Rai not quite having the same mindset as her so finds them quite difficult to talk to and to understand. Whilst I am fine here in relative isolation, she is finding it quite difficult. She has to rely on me to go and do things together and sometimes I resent not having enough time to myself as I am working all the time.
We both understand each other’s situation well enough but it is also something that Amy needs to address for herself.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the year that I have had. I have grown and adapted to adversity. Hopefully, I can understand my reactions to adversity in the future and deal with it in a less emotional manner.
Did it list
Read 3 chapters.
Contacted KL venue for WDS tour.
Talk with Kimi and Rosie.
Recorded another TCRAH.
Very out of routine due to parties every other night.
I am so happy and grateful for everything that tests my patience. I have learnt to remain calm through most things and I think I’m getting better at it all the time.
This morning I am filled with a quiet happiness. Determined to get up early on a Sunday and to do something, whether it be a walk, a meditation, writing or studying, I rolled out of bed, fed the cats and opted to walk to my favourite local coffee shop, Utopia.
As I prepared food for the cats a light rain appeared. Unusual for this time of year but accurately predicted by our weather apps for once. Undeterred, I set out. The temperature still cool but the minimal exertion keeping me warmed I chose to listen to a reading of a Chekhov short story. The relative quiet around made for clear listening to the beautiful words of the story as I walked through small fields of wet grass and aspiring mud. Was I still in Thailand or transported to that Armenian village?
Before I knew it I had arrived at the shop but it was too early and as I waited on the porch I listened to a primer on Nietzsche and then an imagined conversation between Fred and Jane Austen where, despite their differences they arrived at a philosophical agreement and appreciation for each others works. Inspired by this I contemplated how everyone is different but we must be able to find some common ground.
The Nietzsche primer mentioned his text’s difficult reading but also highlighted his humour. Something which I had not been previously aware of. Friends have told me they preferred to read works about Nietzsche rather than his own. I will try this approach sometime. Sometime when I can add those books to my ever growing library.
The shop opened and I lazily drank through 3 coffees which produced a wonderful buzzing awareness of all the subtleties around me. Soon an acquaintance of Amy’s arrived, a Thai lady who runs her own English school. As this was our first meeting we talked about our shared experiences with teaching here in Chiang Rai.
Coffee and conversation
I lead the conversation for a while before realising it was time to let her speak and so I asked questions about her school and so the conversation flowed. I set myself a small challenge to try to talk to a stranger every day and thought to myself that I can cross this off today’s challenge list and it’s not even 10am.
Later though, as I was walking home, the rain a little heavier than before, I realised that I had failed in another of my personal challenges. Inspired by a Tim Ferriss article I read this week I have challenged myself to not complain about anything for 21 days. To remind myself about this challenge I have started wearing a bracelet, the purpose being that every time you complain you have to swap the bracelet to the other wrist. I have made this doubly difficult for myself by choosing a bracelet that is awkward to attach to oneself with one hand.
As the bracelet effect kicked in I thought back to the conversation in the coffee shop and asked myself if I had been complaining. Despite my mind’s protestations and justifications I sadly realised I had, indeed, been complaining. Perhaps only mildly but there is a fine line between stating the facts as they are and infusing a negative into the narrative.
In fact, the hardest part of this challenge is actually recognising that you are complaining. So long as it pushes to the forefront of my mind more and more it will help me become more aware of my own words and to try to understand how someone might feel whilst listening to me.
The walk home was still wonderous as I contemplated all this and listened to the description of beautiful Masha and the joy and sadness the narrator felt. This description was thought-provoking as I also was feeling so happy with life, despite the fact I was getting cold and wet in the rain. The walk crowned by the view of the feathery grass that spikes alongside our driveway, suddenly weighed down by the heavy drops of water, pointing towards the path home.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be inquisitive. To want to constantly learn and understand myself. This morning I listened to a primer on Nietzsche which was interesting as an introduction because I don’t know enough about his philosophy. I then listened to an imagined conversation between Nietzsche and Jane Austen where there two apparent so different writers end up agreeing on many things. I walked to Utopia this morning too. A nice gentle walk and gave me chance to listen to these articles.
To-do list
Prepare Lazada order.
Upload TCRAH and record new ep.
Check more Wix options.
Read 3 chapters.
Next Thai video.
Install WP App and streamline Chrome windows.
WDS t-shirt options.
Dye hair.
Did it list
Uploaded TCRAH.
Read 3 chapters.
Walked to Utopia.
Talked with a stranger at Utopia.
Wrote blog post.
Stayed calm despite Amy being in a bad mood.
Missed a couple of days due to having George and Bee over on Friday and being lazy and hungover on Saturday. Did not do anything on my Saturday list so moved all to Sunday and still only managed half of them, though the day is not over yet.
On Friday I kept my challenge of playing with the kids so that I would get some exercise. However, after a while, they asked me to calm down. I was a bit rough and too competitive. I felt slightly aggrieved at that moment but did calm down some. When I thought about it afterwards I realised they were right. It probably wasn’t as much fun for them as it should have been. I need to learn about the consequences of my actions – even the small ones.
Music from Sebadoh, Hilarity Ensues, Primitive Calculators, Bastro, UK Subs, Mofungo, Paper Mice, Univers Zero, Self Evident, The Bevis Frond, Snakefinger, Tar Babies, Alright the Captain, Matt Black and the Doodlebugs, Khaddash, David Bowie, The Clash, Small Faces, Bad Religion, Big Block 454 and Unstoppable Sweeties Show.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our beautiful house. I love living here with Amy. When asked if we have any more dreams for our life we don’t have any especially. Things we would like to do but not necessarily dreams to achieve. George said we are living our dream and that’s a nice way to look at it.
I am so happy and grateful to my son who often surprises need with flashes of inspiration. I know he is a good-hearted person and thoughtful about things. I will give him more positive feedback about this fact.
Yesterday I was completely lifted by having three good fun lessons which the students and I all enjoyed. Then I went to visit CRPAO again.
The feeling there is still not good (for me, anyway) but my old classes were very happy to see me and I was surprised at Simone’s students who smothered me in hugs and were very affectionate. I made a point to see Funfai – she’s so cute! She said she misses me and it was very lovely. I felt very much appreciated after that.
27th Dec 2023 – I just last week found out that this wasn’t Funfai at all but another student (Funfai and Lydia thought is called) Sugus.
I was still tired when I got home but felt more invigorated. Today is my easy day so everything has come back together nicely. I’m glad I didn’t let that glum feeling get me down at the beginning of the week
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have met the students at CRPAO and was very surprised at the reaction of Simone’s kids, they jumped on me and pulled me to the ground they were so happy to see me.
To-do list
No complaints out of your mouth.
Finish week 15 lesson – have lots of time.
Compliment another teacher.
Positive feedback for students.
Study next Thai video and more Drops.
Think about when can record more TCRAH.
Consider what to talk with Hayden and how he is feeling.
Did it list
Wrote to-do list in the morning.
Deleted all games off phone.
Stayed calm all day.
Noticed when I complained and stopped myself.
Read three chapters of book.
Stayed calm when I found out we’d be staying at Rak’s house for dinner even though I had hoped to return home.
Even though got home late, went and watched Thai video. Also did Drops today.
Rang Hayden and tried to sound positive without being overbearing.
Finished week 15 lesson.
Told students it was their decision if they want to do homework.
After reading an article I instantly deleted all games off my phone. The article was simple and direct. ‘Don’t play games on your phone. You are an adult.’ I got a message from Bronwyn in the morning saying Hayden was upset by the messages I was sending him, trying to help him and to call for Christmas. This message made me a little mad – why doesn’t he just call me and so what if he’s upset. He should be upset and be motivated to improve his life. I wrote a note to myself to think about later – ‘things I like about Hayden.’ I tried to think about how he was feeling and called him in the afternoon. He sounded fairly upbeat and was talking about becoming a firefighter. I’d like that to happen.
1994ever 